Bon voyage letters

Otto and I are departing for Boston this morning, to begin the wild extravaganza known as A Family Wedding. (Having recently married, myself, in the most low-key of arrangements, I must say that watching my brother-in-law and his future wife navigate these treacherous waters has prompted a sympathetic “HAHA!” from me several times, already.)

Anyway, it’s the usual flurry of arrangements happening here, and I just have a few brief notes I believe need to be shared before we go. After this, I have to go finish packing and strategically place something like my expensive hair serum somewhere so that I will ABSOLUTELY REMEMBER TO PACK IT and then leave it behind so that I can spend the entire weekend berating myself for forgetting to pack the one thing I was most worried about packing. Also, there aren’t any stores in Boston, so it will be a MAJOR IRREPARABLE TRAGEDY when this happens.

I am a REAL JOY to travel with, by the way. I can see that you’re shocked.

Dear Bic,

While my usual beef with you is limited to the whole gender thing at the highest level—because, really, do men feel more manly with silver razors while we silly little females require pink ones?—today I have a different issue. I don’t go through razors all that quickly, Bic. I will buy a package and use each one until I realize that the hair is being PULLED out rather than cut. So honestly, I don’t have much brand loyalty. I think it was back before Christmas when I last purchased a package of Bic Soleil razors, and my guess is that they were on sale. Sure, they’re “girly” razors, but I was glad for their cheerful red and orange colors rather than Pepto pink. And they worked just fine.

Yesterday I realized I was out of functional razors, and so while on a run to the store I picked up the Bic Soleil Pivot razors because they were on sale and I figured they were just the next iteration of the razors I’d been using these last months.

Bic, I did not read the fine print, so I take the blame. HOWEVER, here is what NO ONE should EVER be putting in the fine print on a package of razors: “Citrus scented handles.”

Seriously, Bic. What the hell? Who was your product tester for this—Strawberry Shortcake? Since when do I need shaving to be a scratch and sniff experience? I am hugely perturbed that instead of engineering a razor that doesn’t cut my kneecaps all to shit, you’re busy making the handle smell like lemons. Not cool, Bic. Not. Cool.

Yours,
Mir

* * * * *

Dear Push-Up Bra,

Thank you for your many years of service, including waiting patiently for me in the bottom of the drawer all this time. When I was packing last night and remembered that I might like to have actual boobs at the wedding, it was very satisfying to find you there, ready to go. You’re swell. (Get it? Get it??)

Gratefully yours,
Mir

* * * * *

Dear cute little tree frogs,

Look, I know we’ve had this conversation before, but I’m about to go out of town and so I think it’s important that we go over this, again. Down that way is the pond. You’ll recognize it because it’s large and wet and full of life-giving mud and algae. Up HERE is our pool, which you’ll recognize because of your magnetic attraction to it despite the fact that chlorine is not your friend. You KNOW that if I was here I would continue my early morning rescue missions to fish you out, but I’m not going to be around with your favorite friend the skimmer. And I really just want you to be safe in my absence.

Also, I really don’t want to come home to a filter basket full of suicidal amphibians, because that’s a bad way to end a vacation. Just sayin’.

Play safe out there,
Mir

* * * * *

Dear tomato plants,

You are pretty. I love you. Please don’t die while I’m gone. I promise to water you first thing when I get back.

Salsa forever,
Mir

* * * * *

Dear maple flooring,

Thank you so much for waiting patiently this last month. Although we have enjoyed your tenure as a stack of boxes behind the front door, I believe our relationship can only be enriched by your new position as actual flooring, you know, ON THE FLOOR. I trust you will have no difficulties with the transition and look forward with great anticipation to seeing you in your new role when we return.

As for me, I have started a twelve-step plan to face my addiction to placing my water glass on the floor next to the couch while I’m watching television. The first step is admitting that I am powerless against my propensity to knock over said glass, and I feel that things are going well and I will soon be ready to work with you without a roll of paper towels and a string of curse words.

Soon we shall both be living up to our full potential. I see sock-skating in our future.

Regards,
Mir

* * * * *

Dear contractors who will be installing the flooring,

I know that we will be out of town, and that you know that we will be out of town. Still, this is our home and we trust that you will respect that even in our absence. Thankfully, I feel confident that we won’t have a repeat of the no toilet paper debacle because I have stocked the bathroom well, but listen to me closely: The bathroom here in the office? The only one without a bunch of furniture blocking the door? THAT’S FOR YOU. It’s not an accident that our entertainment center is blocking the master bathrooms, nor was it an oversight that the upstairs bathroom is closed. THIS BATHROOM is the only one I want you to use. Please.

Also, if you so much as ding the dining room walls I will kill you all. Slowly and painfully. And I am not even kidding.

Okay, then! Have a great week!

I’ll just leave my checkbook on the counter,
Mir

* * * * *

Dear Delta,

Please don’t lose my suitcase. My boobs are in there.

Thanks,
Mir

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41 Responses to “Bon voyage letters”

  1. 1
    suburbancorrespondent July 9, 2008 at 9:17 am #

    Yup, I think that just about covers it. Have a great trip!

  2. 2
    balconygal July 9, 2008 at 9:17 am #

    Oh my gawd, I’m laughing so hard. I hope your trip up here to Boston is fantastic. It’s hot here right now so I hope your boobs don’t droop when they hit humidity. Safe travels.

  3. 3
    Nelson's Mama July 9, 2008 at 9:32 am #

    Might I be so bold to suggest that you WEAR your boobs on the plane and not dare put them in your bags.

    Also, ask the floor guys to do a frog check for you! But if you have time, take a gander at this website: http://www.froglog.us and order a life-saving device for them!

  4. 4
    Leandra July 9, 2008 at 9:41 am #

    I like Nelson’s Mama’s suggestions. Some boobs could come in handy at the security check. And maybe you could stick your hair serum in your bra, you know, so you won’t forget it.

  5. 5
    Jeni T July 9, 2008 at 9:53 am #

    Oh my goodness Mir, you had me about spit out my breakfast more than once. Thanks for the laughs I needed those this morning. Hope you & Otto both have a wonderful trip . Only suggestion? Tape a sign to the bathroom door so they know which one to use. I’m almost tempted to say put them on the other bathroom doors for them NOT to use but Lord knows you’d come home w/ the signs on the floor & the paint coming off the doors & I just don’t think you are ready to pick back up the paintbrush just yet. :O)

  6. 6
    All Adither July 9, 2008 at 9:55 am #

    You give good correspondence.

  7. 7
    Daisy July 9, 2008 at 10:07 am #

    Isn’t it amazing, all the preparations necessary to take a short trip? I’m still laughing at the razor thing. My husband ran out once and I offered him a Daisy razor. The expression on his stubble-covered face!

  8. 8
    Ann July 9, 2008 at 10:14 am #

    Oh, too funny! I am at work at a stodgy bank, laughing out loud from my desk in the middle of the lobby! Thanks for a great start to my day and have a great trip.

  9. 9
    Amy-Go July 9, 2008 at 10:23 am #

    *snort*

  10. 10
    Nancy July 9, 2008 at 10:29 am #

    Welcome back to Boston! It is hot as hell here – whoops, you are used to that now. My daughter just got married, a small family affair, but still a lot of work. She said that they should let you have a trial wedding so you learn everything you need to know – then you can do it again without fuss. I told her I think that is called divorce.
    Have a great trip.

  11. 11
    Aimee July 9, 2008 at 10:32 am #

    Citrus-scented HANDLES? Wow. Just wow.

    Have a great, safe, boobalicious, hair-serum-not-forgotten, floor-laid-without-a-hitch trip; and a suicidal-frog-free return!

  12. 12
    Burgh Baby July 9, 2008 at 10:42 am #

    Posts like this are why you make me SQUEEEEEEEE uncontrollably.

    Have fun at the wedding! (I know that there sentence is an oxymoron if ever there was one, but humor me.)

  13. 13
    Rebecca July 9, 2008 at 10:44 am #

    Heee! That is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time!! Have a great trip!

    And really, scented razors? BIZARRE.

  14. 14
    Marissa July 9, 2008 at 10:49 am #

    That was hysterical!!!

    On packing- I am a chronic over packer (you never what we might need “just in case”). I brought 2 huge suitcases and 2 carry-ons on my 10 day honeymoon, where I wore the same two bathing suits, one pair of short, one skirt and one dress the WHOLE time.

    My new packing mantra – We are not going anywhere that there aren’t stores. There will be target within 10 miles of our destination. It is ok if I don’t bring every toiletry I own or have ever owned.

    Have great time!!

  15. 15
    mommytherobot July 9, 2008 at 10:51 am #

    how long are you going for? who is going to watch over your plants? pick the slugs off????? are wearing a hat to this wedding?

  16. 16
    Em July 9, 2008 at 10:54 am #

    I knew something was different around here. Mir is in the air. Smells citrus-y.

    Feel free to send up a signal if your car breaks down or you would like to experience *really* testy children in their natural habitat.

    Have a safe trip!

  17. 17
    Amy July 9, 2008 at 11:03 am #

    I was laughing so hard my kids came to see what was going on! Have a safe trip!

  18. 18
    Andrea July 9, 2008 at 11:16 am #

    THANK.YOU. for verbalizing this non-sensical gender differentiation in razors. My gawd. It seems impossible to find a pink razor that pivots (aka won’t shred your kneecaps) yet they come in all shades of navy and silver. I go through razors as often as you do, Mir, so when I do have to buy them, I go to the razor section and just fixate on the word PIVOT. Must find me some pivots.

    I must add that I enjoy the Intuition razors for traveling…no shaving cream to pack and less things to leave behind in the hotel shower.

  19. 19
    Ani July 9, 2008 at 11:51 am #

    D’ya mean we’re not supposed to use the manly ones? Cause I used to have a men’s razor for years before I discovered Intuition. No more nicks and cuts, woo-hoo!

  20. 20
    Dawn July 9, 2008 at 11:58 am #

    Have a great trip! Hope your boobs and hair serum arrive when you do!

    *glares at the frogs*

  21. 21
    Mother of Two July 9, 2008 at 12:11 pm #

    Mir-

    You’re a hoot! However, the Frog Log… that is hilarious! I too used to fish out TONS of dead frogs when I had a pool… I would have totally purchased this just to save the trip of emptying the frog graveyard (you might call it a skimmer basket)… anyhow… great idea!!

    J

  22. 22
    Kimmers July 9, 2008 at 12:16 pm #

    Maybe the pushup bra should go in your carry-on bag… you might get some weird looks if you get searched at the airport, but at least you’d have boobs for the ceremony. Priorities Mir. :)

  23. 23
    Kemi July 9, 2008 at 1:21 pm #

    Perhaps you should consider an extra purse for your boobs? You could be like that Bridezilla you referenced a few posts ago… only instead of fried chicken and daddy testicles, yours could hold boobs and expensive hair serum.

    You are my favorite blogger… EVER.

  24. 24
    Little Bird July 9, 2008 at 1:50 pm #

    I feel your pain on the forgetting the expensive hair care product thing. I too tend to forget mine. And I also forget that other cities have those magical places called stores.
    Remeber, if you forget your boobs, I bet they have a store there in Boston that sell ‘em.

  25. 25
    Crisanne July 9, 2008 at 1:51 pm #

    A good dose of Mir humor was just what I needed today. Thanks!

  26. 26
    Mike Golch July 9, 2008 at 3:41 pm #

    been there done that! I hope you guys have a good time at the wedding. that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Hugs and Blessings.

  27. 27
    Jen July 9, 2008 at 3:53 pm #

    Ha-ha! Awesome letters!! Have a safe trip.

  28. 28
    Jaime July 9, 2008 at 3:53 pm #

    oh my word that is the funniest post I have read in quite a while!! have a great trip!

  29. 29
    Tammy July 9, 2008 at 4:37 pm #

    I’ve had a very busy day running hither and yon…this was the best mid-afternoon present ever!!

    p.s. Try the Schick Intuition Razor. It will change your life. 4 real.

  30. 30
    susie July 9, 2008 at 4:56 pm #

    Scratch and sniff shaving! Maybe that is what has been missing from my life! Say “Hi” to Boston for me…

  31. 31
    Tootsie Farklepants July 9, 2008 at 5:46 pm #

    Here’s to hoping your boobs make it to Boston.

  32. 32
    elizabeth July 9, 2008 at 7:44 pm #

    the contractor has access to your home while you are away? that would scare me more than anything. even more than the frog graveyard purge on returning. true bravery.

    have a good trip. =)

  33. 33
    annette July 9, 2008 at 9:50 pm #

    What are the restrictions on flying with hair serum these days? The last flight we made I ended up throwing away some toiletries because I wanted to carry them on as not to lose them and then they did not meet with the flight restrictions. What a bummer it would be if you succeeded in remembering it only to have to throw it away !

    Have a great trip:)

  34. 34
    liz July 9, 2008 at 10:01 pm #

    I think you should definitely wear the boobs on the plane. They could probably double as a flotation device, although I DEFINITELY hope you don’t need that. But, you know, couldn’t hurt to have a little extra help.

  35. 35
    ellen July 9, 2008 at 10:23 pm #

    You are just hilarious! Regarding the walls, as we prepared our home for sale we noticed some dings in our bedroom walls. They have the same finish you just applied, and I found that a pin-point size dot of paint on my fingertip could mask the ding and no one except me would notice:) Dot the paint on the chip and then smear it.

  36. 36
    Trisha July 9, 2008 at 11:48 pm #

    Hee hee! This ALMOST pulled me out of my cranky mood! I absolutely LOVE your letters and would like to add something to Bic – I am allergic to all of their fancy moisturizing strips that are on EVERY SINGLE RAZOR now produced and sold anywhere in the world. Yes, I know they are supposed to be hypoallergenic but . . . they still make me break out in horrid little red bumps that take two weeks to go away. Can’t they just make a simple razor??????

  37. 37
    Lil July 10, 2008 at 7:14 am #

    I’m a bit of a loyal lurker here, but I just returned from my own trip (a birth, not a wedding) and caught up on a week’s worth of posts, and can I just say thanks for the reliable source of quality giggles and bursts of laughter? After a trip involving a cross-country flight with a 6 month old, the flu, a trip to the ER, and a whole lotta family DRAMA, this was good medicine for me. Bon voyage! You deserve it if for no other reason than payment for making me laugh!

  38. 38
    Cele July 10, 2008 at 12:35 pm #

    I knew a lot of smart people read your blog.

  39. 39
    Sheila July 10, 2008 at 1:51 pm #

    I’m thinking that “Salsa forever” may not have been the best choice of words to close the letter to your beloved tomatoes. I think you might have scared them.

  40. 40
    Flea July 13, 2008 at 7:10 am #

    My brother has a bullfrog which lives in his pool. It’s the coolest thing to see that sucker swim across the pool in the lights at night. The nieces keep catching it and it keeps coming back, leading me to believe that chlorine causes brain damage in frogs, but not death. Hope you don’t find any floaters on your homecoming.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Woulda Coulda Shoulda » Chaos in cooler weather - July 11, 2008

    [...] My sister-in-law and left the boys with our husbands and went out for pedicures, yesterday. It was very fancy—the place we went to actually had massage chairs, so in addition to the swirling foot bath things, we got to have a nice back rub while getting all pretty. The only snafu was that earlier I had nicked my leg while shaving (damn citrus scented handles!) and the band-aid came off when I put my legs into the whirlpool. That was fine; I grabbed the band-aid out of the water and figured it was no big deal. But then the nick started to bleed again. And it wouldn’t stop. And the nice lady making my toenails pretty kept dabbing at it and then got me a new band-aid and then when I bled through that one got me ANOTHER one and then she started joking about calling 911. So I was looking for a relaxing outing that ended with us driving home feeling all refreshed and pretty, and instead my sis-in-law had to drive us to CVS so that we could waddle inside with the foam toe-separators still wedged on our feet so that I could buy some styptic and not have to go to the hospital. Fun! [...]

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