July 31, 2008 | What do I do all day?

It turns out that you can get a lot of laundry done on about three hours of sleep. Also, you can pay all of the bills, do a small amount of work, spend some time with your children, make a billion phone calls, and spend an inordinate amount of time just staring at your computer, trying to remember what in the world it was you were supposed to be doing.

Otto is now up in Boston with his mom and the rest of his family, and they are all waiting up there and we are all waiting down here, and I’m really not sure which one sucks more. In fact, I’m just going to go out on a limb and say that it all pretty much sucks, here or there, up or down; even Dr. Seuss could not find a way to make this anything other than what it is, which is just plain rotten.

Otto is—like most men, you know, the ones from Mars—a fixer. I tease him about it all the time. Never before in my life have I wanted so badly to just fix something that is so completely unfixable. (more…)

July 30, 2008 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Health is overrated

I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.
— Mother Teresa

I am no Mother Teresa. Just in case you were wondering.

Otto’s mom is in the ICU, a thousand miles away; and while God may trust us plenty, quite frankly I think He’s being kind of an asshole right now.

July 29, 2008 | What do I do all day?

Sometimes there comes one of those times when all of my neuroses and stressors and fears bubble up and boil over here, and I write a heavy post and I cover my eyes and hit “Publish” and wait for the scolding that I’m sure will ensue. And then all of you are so sweet and kind and supportive, leaving nice comments and sending encouraging emails, and then I feel so lucky and loved and—dare I say it?—NORMAL again.

It’s a beautiful thing. Truly.

Until the next day… when I realize that a post like that and the resultant outpouring of support is a very tough act to follow. Because really, what’s a reasonable follow-up to the laid-bare frustration of wondering if I have somehow completely ruined my children? The mood must be lightened, but is it somehow sacrilegious to do so? (more…)

July 28, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Oh, there’s so much else I’d rather talk about. Like how we’re having company for dinner tonight, which I love, because it means I get to show off my dining room (but I’m TOTALLY SUBTLE about it, you know, just saying offhand things like “Tell me the plaster is pretty or I’ll cry”) and also that I get to experiment with new recipes.

Sure, I could do new recipes just for my family. And I DO, sometimes. But on a Monday I’m not terribly likely to start planning dinner at 9:00 in the morning unless we’re having company. SUE ME. Nevertheless: Maple-lime glazed salmon! Basil-lime sorbet! Let’s pretend this weekend never happened! WHO WANTS SECONDS?

And I struggled with this, because I have no desire to impugn my kids when I relate stories about them. But this was A Very Big Deal and I suspect a landmark event for our family, so I’m going to go ahead and lay it out and put some extra money in the therapy fund. (more…)

July 26, 2008 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Parenting 101, Intro to Parenting: Feed, diaper, soothe, burp.
My grade: B
My feeling: Relief that we all survived.

Parenting 201, Continued Topics in Parenting: Teach, read, watch, shape.
My grade: B+
My feeling: Mostly amnesia, with a vague sense of accomplishment.

Parenting 301, Discipline in Parenting: Expectations, rules, consequences.
My grade: C
My feeling: A on homework, D on tests. More work needed.

Parenting 399, Advanced Discipline Practicum — Family Vacation Lab: “Last warning: If you don’t stop, we are going home RIGHT NOW.”
My grade: A+
My feeling: Is this what success feels like? Because it feels an awful lot like we drove all day and dropped a wad of money on proving a point.

July 25, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Ottomatic For the People

When I was a teenager, I LIVED on the phone. My father used to joke about how it was permanently attached to my head. I can remember calling friends so that we could watch television together (over the phone). I was All Phone, All The Time.

And then the internet happened. The lovely, lovely internet.

I’m still a big fan of constant connection, but the advent of the internet changed things for me. Oh, sure—when I haven’t talked with a friend in a long time, nothing but an actual conversation will do, but in general? I much prefer email. Or chatting online.

I was trying to figure out why this is, and I realized it’s because I’m actually incredibly rude: While emailing or instant messaging I can ALSO be talking to the kids, emailing/instant messaging someone ELSE, and/or eating lunch. The multitasker in me is not interested in a singular phone conversation when I could be doing five things at once. (more…)

July 24, 2008 | What do I do all day?

Can I tell you something I consider one of my dirty little secrets?

I love crappy food.

You may be shocked to know that, because anyone who knows me knows that we almost never eat out, and also that I’m quite vocal in my disdain for the lack of nutritional value in most take-out food. But the truth is that there was a long period of time when I was a kid where my dad hadn’t yet learned to cook and my mom was working nights, and my brother and father and I lived on McDonald’s and Kraft Mac and Cheese and Spaghettios and such. We were hardly unique—it was the 70s, and everyone was digging “convenience food”—and even though I hardly ever eat the stuff, now, I still see comfort in a blue box of macaroni or occasionally need some salty fries from McD’s.

(Mmmmm… salt and grease.)

As I feed my own family, now, I’m trying really hard to make the kind of memories that center around good food choices, with the occasional trip to Sonic being a treat of shocking proportions. (more…)

July 23, 2008 | Friends, Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

I have a new(ish) local friend who is, like Otto, a professor, and therefore is free to do all sorts of things in the summer which she will be far too busy for once classes start up again. Me, I’m all slacker, all the time, but I’m coming to the realization that summer is a mystical time for most people here in Universityland. For one thing, most folks are working a lot less in the summer. For another, you can actually go downtown for pizza or whatever and FIND A PARKING SPACE. It’s lovely.

Anyway, my new friend—let’s call her Foodie, because it will make her laugh—and I have been engaged in an educational project of sorts. Yes. The education is mine, and it has to do with the fact that I’ve lived here for over a year and yet I’d only been to maybe three different restaurants in town, because we hardly ever eat out. But it’s SUMMER and she’s not teaching and there is parking to be had, so we are studiously touring many of the finer local eateries for lunch. (more…)

July 22, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Okay, so, I mentioned in passing that after deciding to get the kids a real piano that I thought I’d had the situation taken care of, and then there was a little snafu. But I didn’t tell you the whole sordid tale.

And CLEARLY, you need the whole story. Because my life is JUST THAT FASCINATING.

To recap: The kids started taking piano lessons a year ago, and all we had here for them to practice on was a small keyboard. This keyboard not only lacks some of the keys they needed, it doesn’t have hammer-action (weighted) keys, and so according to the piano teacher, forcing my children to use this inferior instrument was tantamount to child abuse. The only thing that would’ve been worse was a piece of cardboard with the keys drawn on it, apparently. And so after some soul-searching I set out to buy the children a Decent Instrument. (more…)

July 21, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

The children are home! The children are home! The children are DONE TRAVELING for the summer! AND ALL GOD’S PEOPLE SAID AMEN!

Hey, it’s nice that I don’t have any strong feelings about whether or not the kids are around, dontcha think? It really enables me to just go with the flow and relax. I can just totally enjoy the time while the kids are gone…

… biting my nails down to the knuckle and crying on their pillows.

Anyway! They’re home! They appear to be more or less in one piece! They are quite huggable and kissable and—as we discovered last night in the pool—throwable! And very little says “I love you so much” like tossing someone into the deep end. I’m just sayin’. (Dude. They were both wearing their goggles with the strap so low that their ears were all folded over like elves, and it was nibble said ears right off their heads or toss them. I tried to choose wisely.) (more…)