Archive | February, 2008

You can’t have idiom without id

by Mir on February 29, 2008 in Ottomatic For the People

Chickadee was sitting at the breakfast table this morning, trying to finish the homework I’d cruelly sent her to bed before completing, last night. She was to bring in a list of at least twenty idioms and what they mean, and was on number eighteen and struggling to finish.

Monkey was spinning in circles, being a general distraction, and Otto had retreated to the office to get away from it all, I think. I was trying to help, but running out of expressions. Plus, it had taken entirely too long to get her to understand what the “can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear” saying means.

Of course, I was also sort of busy mediating the bickering that was happening.

“Otto!” I called into the other room in exasperation. “Do you have any ideas?”

(more…)

Comments { 30 }

Sometimes love is a laughing cow

by Mir on February 28, 2008 in Growing

I have a pretty complicated relationship with food, for a non-eating-disordered normal-weight female. I always used to joke that I was a fat girl trapped in a skinny body. Once I became post-menopausal at the ripe old age of 33, I had to stop saying that—my metabolism no longer allows for the wanton consumption it once did. (Alas.) But there’s no denying that I see food as way more than sustenance.

What do you see in this picture?

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The bonds of many words

by Mir on February 27, 2008 in Friends

Hey, I have a friend who is having a birthday today. She is turning… awesome! Stupendous! Magnificent! And—most importantly—OLDER THAN ME. So I will nod sympathetically and pat her hair (or at least try to, from afar) all the while hoping that she will be nice to me when I reach… the birthday she’s at now.

Maybe you know my friend? Joshilyn Jackson? Seems like perhaps some of you know her. And perhaps you know that her new book just came out. Why, I’m stalking my UPS guy daily, waiting for my copy. Although, who am I kidding? I will end up going to the bookstore and buying a copy because delivery is taking too long, just like I did with her other books. And then one of my OTHER friends will get the other copy for one of THEIR birthdays.

It’s good to have friends who write books you can’t wait to read. I’m not entirely sure what Joss gets out of her side of this relationship, but damn if I haven’t already gotten some awesome reading material. (more…)

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A choose your own tragedy adventure

by Mir on February 26, 2008 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Remember those “choose your own adventure” books? I remember how excited I was when they first came out. And then I realized that no matter what I did, I always picked wrong.

You’ve come to a fork in the path! Do you go left or right?

*I choose left and turn to the page directed*

Too bad! You walk three more feet down the path and fall into a trap, breaking every bone in your body, and are then eaten by a pack of hungry goblins. Sorry!

Story of my life, man. STORY OF MY LIFE. (Somewhere in the back, Otto is now going, “HEY!” Okay, I don’t ALWAYS pick wrong. But let’s just say I manage the most circuitous path to the right choice, then.)

And yesterday… well, yesterday was NO DIFFERENT. (more…)

Comments { 53 }

I caved, and I got what I deserved

by Mir on February 25, 2008 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Do you remember a while back when I decided that I wasn’t going to let my children have any sleepovers until they were, I dunno, TWENTY? Actually, I think I’ve decided this MULTIPLE times, on account of sleepovers are a tool of the devil. Children are lured in by promises of extra-big fun—surely far huger than a normal playdate, because there’s a decent chance of a sleepover involving bacon—and then something tragic inevitably happens.

You doubt? Allow me to remind you of Exhibit A. Sure, that was years ago, but the point is that SLEEPOVERS ARE A TOOL OF THE DEVIL. I know I said that already, but it’s totally true. And I’ve been pretty good at avoiding them, so far, but then my daughter went and befriended a kid who lives about an hour away.

And suddenly a sleepover sounded less like “tool of the devil” and more like “much-desired playdate for the children and an evening out for us grown-ups.” (more…)

Comments { 39 }

Just now

by Mir on February 24, 2008 in Ottomatic For the People

Me: I’m taking out a loaf of beer-cheese bread to bring up with us later.
Otto: Wow!
Me: What?
Otto: That’s awfully generous of you!
Me: Um. It’s BREAD.
Otto: No, it’s BEER-CHEESE BREAD.
Me: Yes. Well. I thought I should bring them something.
Otto: But it’s BEER-CHEESE BREAD.
Me: I WILL MAKE SOME MORE FOR YOU. SHEESH. They’ve had our children for an entire day and night!
Otto: You’re sucking up so that they’ll take the kids again.
Me: Yes.

Comments { 14 }

Yes and no

by Mir on February 22, 2008 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience", What do I do all day?

Yes: Monkey was a gem at the dentist yesterday, and charmed the pants off of the entire staff. (Note: That’s hyperbole. I’m pretty sure everyone was still wearing pants when we left.)

No: Apparently our craptastic dental insurance will consider itself maxed out for the year as soon as we submit the orthodontist bill, which means we get to pay for all cleanings and anything else for the rest of the year. And by the way, the dentist recommends cleanings FOUR TIMES A YEAR for children with orthodontic devices.

Yes: It’s not snowing.

No: It’s 35 degrees out and pouring.

Yes: Chickadee wisely decided to get out her rain boots.

No: Flipper Foot strikes again; her worn-twice boots (purchased big! right before we moved!) are too small. Does anyone in town carry rain boots in her size? No. Go ahead, ASK ME HOW I KNOW THIS. (more…)

Comments { 30 }

And here is why

by Mir on February 21, 2008 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Yikes. I appear to have, um, struck a nerve yesterday. I’m well aware that people do what they have to do; heck, I did the single mom thing for four years, so you don’t have to tell ME. I get it. I am just sometimes amazed and overwhelmed by everything that needs doing (and how much of what needs doing involves me living my life in the car).

I also feel like perhaps I wasn’t clear in pointing out that I can ONLY manage all of this, now, not just because of my flexible job, but also because of Otto. The kids have wanted to take piano for YEARS. It just seemed like too much, to add another activity, before. As for the dentist/orthodontist appointments, I don’t know that I’m willing to count those as optional activities. Sure, we have lots of appointments clustered up right now, but on the whole, things are manageable—they each do one sport and take piano lessons. And I thank Otto on a regular basis for helping out, and he says “That’s my job,” and then I melt a little, and then he totally gets lucky that night. He’s a smart man. (more…)

Comments { 28 }

I don’t know how normal people do it

by Mir on February 20, 2008 in Job? Huh?, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I’m one of those people… you know, one of those annoying “Everything happens for a reason!” types. Now, I never use it as a means to deny the inherent suckitude of a situation, and in fact when I miscarried my first pregnancy I entertained many intricate and violent fantasies of what I’d like to do to the nosy old biddy who was our landlady at the time, every time she assured me that it was fine because “everything happens for a reason,” but on a grander scale, yes, I think things do tend to come together as they’re meant to. (Even when that means ending a sentence with a preposition, apparently.)

So that means, for example, that as much as I sometimes wonder how much less stressful my life would be if, say, a certain person I used to be married to didn’t exist, the bottom line is that I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is how my life was supposed to go. And that can be very comforting, at times. (more…)

Comments { 86 }

Handy tips for a busy day

by Mir on February 19, 2008 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Don’t wake up with a stomach ache.

I said DON’T. You already did? Geez, you don’t follow directions very well, do you? Fine, then.

Do dig around until you find some chewable anti-gas antacids to take.

Don’t wonder why the wrappers are sticky. You probably don’t want to know.

Do drink some water to get the nasty “tropical” taste out of your mouth. Yech.

Don’t be grumpy with the children, just because you’re not feeling well. Speak softly as you wake them up. (Don’t worry; they’re grumpy enough for all of you!) (more…)

Comments { 25 }
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