Offspring: ecstasy and agony Articles

Monkey: *loud, prolonged snuffling and snorting* Me: Ack, STOP THAT! Do you need a tissue? Monkey: Not anymore!

My Chickadee is something of a perfectionist. I, of course, have NO IDEA where THAT comes from. Ahem. She walked late, which may have been partially due to her poor vision, but I think was more symptomatic of what would turn into her typical pattern: She doesn't like to do things until she can do them flawlessly. She had a very short period of time as a wobbly, lurching Frankenbaby. She waited and waited until I was convinced that she had cerebral palsy and I'd just never noticed, somehow, and then she got up and just... walked. Same thing with reading. She was clearly smart, and capable,...

Sometimes, I get a wild hair and decide to make a nice dinner. Sometimes, I am not very bright. (Also? Wild hair? Just one? I mean, I have a dozen or so wild hairs on a GOOD hair day. That expression was clearly coined by a man. Perhaps a bald one.) The children are having a Rough Week. The transition back to routine and school after vacation is always a painful one. They are slumping into the house at the end of the day as if they've been away at boot camp, crawling on all fours under barbed wire before scaling a 40-foot wall, and collapsing on the couch. Then they either watch television...

I know we're all really enjoying how it's All Oozing Mammary, All The Time 'round here, but for a change I'd like to focus on something other than my Very Famous Misbehaving Boob. I KNOW! It's craziness, what I'm suggesting. But sometimes I need to talk about other things. Like yeast infections! But lucky for you, I am the picture of health right now, other than the boob thing. [And tomorrow I'm going in to see the surgeon and be checked, so we can return to our favorite topic if that yields anything interesting. In the meantime feel free to google atypical ductal hyperplasia, which is what...

At a rough guess, I'm going to say that we have no fewer than 500 children's books here in the house. Perhaps more. There is no shortage of books around the place, is my point. And lord knows I have combed through the shelves and piles and pulled out the appropriate-level phonics books and tried in vain to get my son interested in fat cats sitting on mats and Tog the dog who meets a hog on a log. About two month ago, I concluded that he would simply have to do his best at Princeton 1) in nighttime pull-ups and 2) with all assignments given orally or via pictures, because he surely will never...

There are times when I think our little school system gets it exactly right, and I know that our decision years ago to move to this little town in Nowhereville was a wonderful gift to our children. And then there are times when I think our little school system is run by amphetamine-addled monkeys who've never met an actual child. When I am ESPECIALLY lucky, I get to experience both of those convictions within the space of just a few hours! Which is like the excitement of a rollercoaster ride except without the fear of heights and thinking I might puke! But there are no funnelcakes, which is...

How very fitting that on a day like today, a day when I'm JUST SO EXCITED to tell you WHAT A FANTABULOUS MOM I AM, BlogHer decides to finally publish the Day Two schedule of events. You may happen to notice yours truly scheduled along with Alice and Tracey to talk about why Mommyblogging is a radical act. Hell, voluntarily deciding to be responsible for another human is radical. Blogging about it is just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, methinks. ANYWAY, the bottom line is that I am thrilled to be headed to San Jose this summer, and I hope to see you (yes, YOU) there. I will be the...

I feel I'm in a holding pattern, and it goes like this: Get up. Get kids off to school. Walk. Shower. Work. Run errands. Get kids from school. Do chores and/or make kids do their chores. Supervise kids. Cook. Eat. Do the evening thing. Get kids tucked in. Watch television. Sleep. Lather, rinse and repeat. You'll notice that nowhere on that list is anything like "worry about my boob," "take a nap," "misread various commercials in potentially confusing ways" (Aveeno lotion has soothing OAT essence, by the way... I would never recommend a lotion containing soothing CAT essence, but to each her...

Any veteran mom is used to dodging the slings and arrows of the child who complains that she is the meanest mama ever, or that all the other mamas are better, or that she revels in making her children miserable. Most of my compadres adopt the same attitude I do, when this happens: We feign great glee and comment that our dastardly plans are finally coming together! (Bonus points for a crazed glint in the eyes and fiendish hand-rubbing.) I am accustomed to such rantings from my kids. Such comments truly no longer bother me in the slightest. I expect them and know they're a good indication...