I love to have a clean house. I love clean towels. I love clean sheets. I love floors clean enough to eat off of (not that I'm in the habit of eating off of floors, but you know). I love a clutter-free living space, and I wish everything in the world was lemon-scented. Clean is good. Unfortunately, Clean has a kryptonite. And that kryptonite likes to call me Mama. Let's be clear: It's not that cleaning was my favorite activity, pre-children. I am a basically lazy human. While I like things TO BE clean, I wasn't necessarily all that interested in ACTUALLY CLEANING THEM. I mean, I would do it,...
My children have discovered this World Wide Web thing, and my life may never be the same. We were riding along in the car today, on our way home from grocery shopping, and Chickadee piped up from the back seat: "Mama, when you were a kid, and you didn't have computers, what did you DO if you wanted to know something about something?" I suggested that I was going to need just a WEE BIT more information to go on, to answer that question, and she continued: "I mean, what if you wanted to find out the state bird or whatever?" When I told her we would go to the library, she LAUGHED AT ME. "They...
... right before I blew up the site, that is, I had promised to tell you about my awesome Saturday and the inappropriate involvement with strangers which it contained. As you know, I usually like to limit my inappropriateness to the shiny box on my desk and all of the nice imaginary people inside of it. In person, I am much less likely to run over and accost you. Stop laughing. But the thing of it is, I went for that really long walk and I think it may have waterlogged my brain. I cannot be held responsible for what happened afterwards! There's this funny thing that happens when misery and...
Although the forecast is calling for heavy rain (oh! something new! we haven't had THAT in a while!) through the weekend, I can pretty much guarantee you that it won't be raining at all. Any time in the near future. Or possibly ever. Nope. Gonna be nothing but clear skies from here on out. How can I be so sure? Why, my sump pump has been installed, that's why! Completely obliterating any chance of further rain! No need to thank me. Using Murphy's Law to redistribute meteorological events is just another service which I offer. But let's back up, shall we? Yes, let's. My contractor (he of the...
It's been a while since I dipped into my keyword logs to see just what people are hoping to find here. It turns out that a few universal truths are still holding firm: 1) Most people are dumb. 2) The ones who aren't are scary. 3) But they all make for good entertainment. Welcome to Woulda Coulda Shoulda, your repository for all sorts of wisdom. Got a question? Find your answer here. my stinky feet I'm sorry, could you please phrase that in the form of a question? Or better yet, just go away and take a shower? pictures of my feet Ummm... let me get this straight. You came HERE, looking for...
In case you haven't heard, it's never actually going to stop raining. Ever. Thanks, global warming! Thanks, every bitch I knew in middle school who used an entire can of AquaNet every morning to prop up a wall of bangs! Now I have PermaSwamp in my basement and it is ALL YOUR FAULT. Hmph. And I know, I KNOW, you are all looking around and exchanging glances and backing away just a tad and muttering under your breath, "Um, are we still talking about THIS?" To which I respond with a hearty WHY YES WE ARE. We will not stop talking about the basement until the basement stops being full of water....
So late last night I got a phone call from someone at FEMA, and he asked if my refrigerator was running, and when I said yes, he told me to go catch it. Not really. But wouldn't that have been great? Actually, he said he was going to be in the area today, and could he come by the house and survey the damage? Why certainly, I replied. You bring your boots and I will supply the swamp! And so the date was set. Lucky for me, it was pouring again today, and nothing puts that crazed gleam of desperation in my eyes like RAIN THAT WILL NOT END, EVER. When Mr. FEMA showed up with his associate, I...
I'm still chuckling over this post by sweetney at BlogHer, which is about confessing and embracing our dorkitude as bloggers. The thing is? I was a ginormous dork 'wayyyyy before I started blogging. And more and more, as I evolve in my role as Actual Mom as opposed to Idealized Mom, I realize that there is just no hope for me. Sure, I can dress up and take out the Mature and Parental Mommy, but there is always another side to me. Just tonight, for example, I took up the mango seed I'd carefully extracted from the pit of a mango we three enjoyed a few days ago. It had been soaking in water,...
I'm working on the score right now. I anticipate a smash hit, actually. There are lots of catchy songs, and I dunno, they just CAME to me. Almost like I already knew them. Let's see. There's "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Lung Fungus." And "Try Ev'ry Sump Pump." Oh! An adorable number for the children, of course, called "Doh! Wasn't Me!" There's one with puppets, called "The Lonely Blogger." What else... oh! A big production number, "Go Wrong, So Well." There's also a soft ballad (for variety, you understand) called "Dandelions." And a cute little romantic number, "Thirty-Four Going On...
