Search me

By Mir
June 17, 2006

It’s been a while since I dipped into my keyword logs to see just what people are hoping to find here.

It turns out that a few universal truths are still holding firm:
1) Most people are dumb.
2) The ones who aren’t are scary.
3) But they all make for good entertainment.

Welcome to Woulda Coulda Shoulda, your repository for all sorts of wisdom. Got a question? Find your answer here.

my stinky feet
I’m sorry, could you please phrase that in the form of a question? Or better yet, just go away and take a shower?

pictures of my feet
Ummm… let me get this straight. You came HERE, looking for pictures of YOUR feet? Do you misplace pictures of your feet often?

born with no legs
I’m… sorry? I’d be happy to lend you some pictures of my feet…?

popcorn kernel in nose out eye
No, that’s not possible. Stop putting things in your nose.

should i run an air conditioner while having strep throat
No, you should give your air conditioner some antibiotics and plenty of fluids until it feels better.

hostess found a staple cake
I am not familiar with staple cake. I specialize in pie.

mastitis porn
That would involve… what, exactly? A three-way featuring one of the women screaming “DON’T TOUCH IT! IT HURTS!” or what?

how to thaw cool whip
Oh, this one I can actually help you with. Put it in the fridge. Moron.

third date
According to the Book of Mir, this is traditionally when you figure out that your date is batshit insane. (Have dessert. You probably won’t be going out again for a while.)

common complaints following sonohystogram
Um, how about “Hey, you just shot a bunch of salt water up my twat” for starters?

chiropractic muscle stapler

brazillian men wear thongs
I could’ve gone my whole life without knowing that. Thanks a lot.

When everything slides down the tubes again and my self-esteem begins to drip I strap on my fake boobs again and literally give myself a li
Looks like you got cut off, there. Thankfully.

why did victoria s secret discontinue secret crush
Well, people found out about it, and then it wasn’t a secret anymore. Duh.

use clairol to get a perfect shade of red hair
Uhhh… no thanks. Given all the mistakes I’ve made attempting to stay a brunette, I don’t think venturing over to red would be a good idea.

dyed hair too dark
Yeah, well, join the club.

how to breathe gooder
I suggest starting with a few English classes, and seeing how it goes from there.

Please join the study group with the previous guy.

useless people
Hello! We meet here… ummm… pretty much every day.

And just for fun… Extra! Special! Bonus! spam mail header from this week: “Your wife prefers your dog’s penis to yours?”
Still laughing. And a little bit wondering how THAT conversation happens….


  1. bob

    #’s 1 & 2: you DID just do a post exclusively on feet. including a picture of yours (although it was a chaste picture, no toe cleavage). no wonder these resulted in hits.

    #’ 3 & 4 – Tom Cruise doing bad frat stunts?

    # 5 – you do run an advise blog, notwithstanding it is about thriftyness (by the way, your advise about using half the amount of detergent – does that go for liquid detergents too?) you seemed to have provided sound medical advice, one would think you’d treated air conditioners for years.

    # 6: always the quest for the next twinkie

    #7 – you were extremely descriptive of your recent mammary problems after all.

    # 8 – another request for advice – have you considered applying for Martha’s job?
    #9 – Geez, I’m tired of this.

    useless people: DING. I guess that includes me – I got all the way to #9 before giving up. Or maybe I’ve had just enough sangria to suspend the critical decision-making centers of my brain. Oh, look – the pitcher’s half full. Time to go……

  2. Lena

    OW. This was actually painful to read. I don’t know which was more frightening.

    Too bad you can’t get them to hang around here and chat with us.

    We could hook up the a/c chick with strep throat to sympathize with the guy who needs to breathe gooder.

    And that third date googler? Totally needs whip cream.

    There’s two couples right there. See? We’re not completely useless.

  3. Melissa

    In the words of Larry the Cable Guy, That’s funny right there, I don’t care who you are. I cried a little.

  4. Leanne

    It’s been a while since I’ve done one, too!

    You have some really interesting arrivals there, Mir.

    My mama always says “muddle creates more muddle”. hahah! Shutting up now.

  5. Heather C.

    Oh my… those are… very very very weird. This world is just far too scary.

  6. Crazedmomof4

    What, no panda porn?

  7. Carol

    OK but wait…your website was returned as a reult of those search queries. How weird do that make YOU?!


    I don’t even want to know what kind of searches take people to my website. I posted ONCE about breasts and now I have 435 comments in my queue awaiting approval!

  8. Amy-Go


  9. Ashley

    And here I thought that I was the only one who used the word “twat” to describe my nether regions. Regions, that at this point, will never, ever be properly used again based on the bottom feeders who use on-line dating services.

  10. Dawn

    What is this “third date” of which you speak?

    I need to learn to date gooder.

  11. InterstellarLass

    I’m amazed people that stupid even remember to breathe.

  12. Zuska

    I can’t BELIEVE you used the T word – your FATHER reads this blog, young lady!!! Sheesh.

    Of course, I got it very quickly. This was too funny!!!

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