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It’s been a while since I dipped into my keyword logs to see just what people are hoping to find here. It turns out that a few universal truths are still holding firm: 1) Most people are dumb. 2) The ones who aren’t are scary. 3) But they all make for good...

Hello, I am in big trouble

Do you know what day today is? Do you? Today is the day I realized that the 3-Day is going to chew me up and spit me out, and I am going to have to figure out how to get home from Boston with only bloody stumps left at the ends of my legs. Do you remember how I was...

No batteries required

Monkey is officially a kindergarten graduate. He has a diploma and everything. The kids put on an entire circus which was so stinking cute it made my teeth ache. The ringmaster kept saying things like “Aaaaand nowuh. Pwease put yowur hands togevver for da...

The Jesus discount

In case you haven’t heard, it’s never actually going to stop raining. Ever. Thanks, global warming! Thanks, every bitch I knew in middle school who used an entire can of AquaNet every morning to prop up a wall of bangs! Now I have PermaSwamp in my basement...

Pivotal

Question: How can you tell when I’ve written about having a really great day? Answer: The NEXT day, the following occurs: A) A child dons mud-crusted shoes and clomps through the freshly-vacuumed house, B) My new website is hyped on a larger site and oh, by the...

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