(A drama in way too many parts.)

Part One: May-ish:
An auto insurance premium notice arrives, with a due date in July. I am horrified at the amount, but reason that surely it must be the premium for an entire year. Nope; it’s the payment for only 6 months. I pass out cold. When I come to, I call my insurance agent. He is unavailable, on account of he is never available.

Part Two: June-ish:
My agent still has not called back, so I call him again. We go over my policy. We make the startling discovery that your insurance finally figuring out that you’re divorced and taking away the multi-car discount makes things way too expensive. We play around with reducing my coverage. It sounds like this:
Me: Well can we reduce my Bodily Injury coverage from a gazillion?
Him: It’s really better to keep it at a gazillion.
Me: Okay, just for kicks, tell me what the lowest amount I can have that at is.
Him: *sounds of furious typing in the background* You can lower that to $5,000.
Me: Great, let’s do that. How much does the reduction from a gazillion to $5,000 save me?
Him: Let’s see, that will save you… *more typing* $2.14 a year.
Me: No, really, dude.
Him: Sorry. Please don’t call me dude.

Part Three: Still June-ish:
My agent promised to “look into some things” for me after the last call, and calls back a week later to cheerfully inform me that I need to continue paying his country club dues. But! He offers that I can lessen the bi-yearly shock and anxiety by paying my policy in monthly installments. In fact, they can set it up to automatically deduct the payment right from my checking account, if I like. Okay, that’s fine. Let’s do that. Losing medium sums of money each month rather than gigantic piles of cash twice a year may soften the blow. I give him all of my financial information, social security number, shoe size, and number of sexual partners. (It’s 7.) (That’s my shoe size, you pervert.) I am informed that the first payment will be deducted in July.

Part Four: July:
The payment is not deducted when it was supposed to be deducted. A week passes, then two. I figure they are running behind. Then I receive a nastygram informing me that my car insurance has been cancelled for non-payment and I smell funny. I cry. I call my insurance agent, who is–surprise–not available.

Part Five: Still July, but barely:
My agent calls back and says he’s not sure what happened. (Duhhhhhhh.) I give him all of my information a second time. He assures me that all will be fine now.

Part Six: Augustish:
One day while checking my online banking, I see that a double-payment has been deducted. That would be July and August, I’m assuming. Okey doke. All set.

Part Seven: September:
I receive a nastygram informing me that my car insurance has been cancelled for non-payment, I smell funny, and on account of my “delinquency” I will no longer be allowed to make monthly payments. I bang my head on the desk repeatedly.

Part Eight: Yesterday:
I call my insurance agent. I leave a message with his lackey. I inform him that I am shopping around for new insurance coverage, because I am a patient woman but this is just ridiculous. Lackey sucks up to me but knows absolutely nothing.

Part Nine: Today:
Lackey calls back. Where is my agent? Oh, he’s working on it. He just needs to gather a wee bit of information from me, if I don’t mind. Now, was this regarding my homeowner’s insurance or my auto insurance? I talk very quietly and very slowly, and find myself thinking about cheating on my boyfriend, even though he’s been really good to me. I was deep in a fantasy about this annoying little guy, so that shows you exactly how close to the edge this entire drama has pushed me.

Part Ten: Stay tuned!
(On account of it’s so darn fascinating. For my next trick, I’ll be waxing poetic about my gas bill.)