I am so tired of our embarrassment of a country and the casual cruelty that has somehow become not just acceptable, but exciting to so many. I need a vacation from reality.

Also, our air conditioner died. And it’s fine—it’s been replaced, and the new system is about a billion times better—but as someone who is just a weeeeeeeeeee tiny bit mentally ill about money (you hush, Otto), having just spent an enormous chunk of money is also not feeling great.

As (cheap) retail therapy is often my solution in times like this, and as all the kids are about to move, I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time on FB Marketplace, trying to score various requested items at “you won’t even believe me” prices. Most of the time, patience pays off. I’ve found a number of things they wanted/needed. And I like being helpful.

And sometimes I even score a little something for myself. To wit: Chickie bought some Birkenstocks a while back and will not shut up about how great they are. I’ve come around from “wow, those are ugly” to “maybe,” sure, but would I ever walk into a store and spend $130 a new pair of Birkenstocks? Probably not unless I won the lottery, no. Would I walk into a thrift store and buy myself a used pair of Birkenstocks? Ewww, no. But would I spend half an hour in the car and $20 on a brand new pair of tags-on Birkenstocks? HECK YES. (It’s true. I’ve been assimilated. Cheaply, but still.)

In-between the triumphs, though… well, I’ll let you judge for yourself.

[Side note: The following is intended to be a lighthearted diversion from more depressing matters, and while it IS poking a little fun at people, it is NOT meant to be mean. I just found the following funny and thought you might, too.]

Facebook Marketplace is helpfully broken into categories like “Furniture” and “Automotive,” but after many, MANY hours combing through its treasures, I think that these categories are… incomplete. I submit the following suggestions for your consideration.

Incorrect

These people are—sorry, not sorry—just wrong.

I mean… sure, this is a TV stand in the sense that you did, indeed, choose to place your TV on it. I can understand the logic. But I could put my TV on my dresser, too. Or a chair. This is a cubby storage unit, friend.

THIS is a TV stand. If I’m searching for a “shelf,” that means I’m looking for something that hangs on the wall. Mayyyybe I’ll look for “shelves” if I really want a bookcase and I hit my head earlier in the day, who knows. But this is definitely a TV stand. (Maybe this guy and the cubby guy could get together and talk…?)

I briefly considered that being married to a photographer has made me more hip to industry terms, but no, everyone I showed this picture to correctly identified it as a tripod. Please call it a tripod, especially if you, oh, I don’t know, want anyone who is searching for a tripod to be able to find it.

This can be called any of the following: a breakfast tray, a bed tray, a lap table, a lap tray, and I’ll even allow “laptop table” because I’m feeling generous. I have never heard of a “low sitting table” and I kinda see where you were going, but… no. Stop.

I almost didn’t include this one because I feel sorry for the seller—this was clearly a case where the picture (and price) were misleading, and they thought they were ordering an actual desk. (How do I know? Oh, there’s an entire novel in the item description.) And no one likes being duped, so I get the frustration. But. It’s still definitely not a “small table desk,” and also, SIXTY DOLLARS?? You definitely got ripped off, and I’m sorry, but absolutely not.

Sir. This is a nightstand. A small dresser is still so much larger than this. Also this picture is giving “will murder you in my storage unit” so no thanks.

THIS is a dresser. (See how much bigger it is than the nightstand?) So: points for that! But those things are called drawers. Doors are… entirely different. Just sayin’.

Well, this guy at least knows the difference between drawers and doors. I guess. Still. If I was looking for one of these, I’d probably search on “dresser,” no? I mean, at the very least, make it drawerS for accuracy.

I know; I know. You’re thinking “Mir, c’mon, that’s a desk! It’s okay!” And yes, it is. But I will bet you a million dollars it’s not made of ceramic. I will bet on my children’s lives. And it made me laugh.

In fairness, I don’t know what the heck this is, either. Storage of some sort, sure, but it’s not a dresser. It’s… like a little office sorting center or something? Putting it in your bedroom doesn’t make it a dresser. Also either this person is a terrible photographer or this piece of furniture has a mighty lean going on.

Awwww, close!

These people are doing their best, and their best is… not good.

Did you mean… snowpants? I would’ve also accepted: snow pants, snow bibs, or snowbibs. (Also: we live in Georgia. REALLY??)

Did you mean… chifforobe? I would’ve also accepted: armoire or cabinet. But also there’s this picture (the handles appear to be broken) and then a slightly blurrier version of this picture, so I strongly suspect this thing is thoroughly busted and/or haunted.

Did you mean… cabinet? I would’ve also accepted: console, credenza, buffet, or even just about anything with the word “storage.” This was the only picture provided (no, you couldn’t click to see the whole thing; that’s the whole thing), which I think is a bold choice when you don’t even know what to call it.

Did you mean… chest of drawers? Or does the new owner need to spend some time learning about your very special relationship with your pal Chester before the load up? (This one is a representative example of something I saw over and over. Our education system is failing.)

Let’s play a game!

I know that I shouldn’t poke fun at other people’s spelling, because the ability to spell is not correlated to intelligence and some people struggle with it. Also I know that sometimes spellcheck goes rogue. But I just invented this game called “spellcheck or stroke?” and I thought it would be fun to play.

Let’s start out with an easy one: I’m pretty sure this is a credenza. Or just a cabinet. Verdict: spellcheck fail.

Moving on: Ah yes, the ubiquitous “4 cube storahe” piece no home is complete without. Good luck finding this one! Verdict: spellcheck fail.

Again, I feel slightly guilty poking fun, because all signs point toward this being a listing by an elderly person: the run-on sentence title, the incredibly blurry picture (but don’t worry—there is a second, EVEN BLURRIER picture, too!), and the fact that this person thinks anyone is going to buy an analog wristwatch. That said, I do feel like spellcheck would’ve flagged “I have a which for sale” as an issue, and I am worried about this lady. Verdict: Definitely a stroke. Someone please check on your Meemaw in Nicholson.

I cackled for longer than I should admit over this one, because it takes SKILLZ (yes, with a Z, because that’s different than regular skills) to mess this up so completely, TWICE. First it’s a “glass accent paper” and then in the description it’s corrected to “glass staple.” I mean, it’s a nice-looking table, and it’s too bad no one is ever going to find it. Verdict: spectacular spellcheck fail.

Perhaps this poster had already imbibed before writing their ad? I know you can brew beer at home, but I have no idea what drewing a deer might look like, and I feel like the deer wouldn’t like it. Verdict: laying 50/50 odds on spellcheck/stroke.

Not gonna lie; I feel like an adult (even one who struggles with spelling) should know the difference between clothes and close. But also this is such a terrible picture, I feel like maybe they MEANT close? As in, look out, it’s right there! BE CAREFUL! Verdict: honestly I can’t even blame this on spellcheck.

I feel like it takes real talent to write an add for a two-word item and misspell BOTH words, but this guy nailed it. That said, maybe call 911? Verdict: I think perhaps a small stroke.

Seating is SO CONFUSING

Perhaps there’s a reason I kept stumbling across so many head-scratchers relating to places to sit, but I don’t know what it is. Apparently chairs and couches are just COMPLEX, man. Whaddaya gonna do? (I’m gonna laugh about these. That’s what I’m gonna do.)

Allow me to begin with a gem of an example. In fairness, I do feel like I should point out that this listing was originally for a table AND chairs, but was later modified to be just the chairs. That said, this is the cover picture for the ad, and no, it does not show more when you click on it. But wait, you say! There are two more pictures; I can tell from the dots! And you are correct. This listing has three pictures. They are ALL THE SAME—a picture of the tabletop from above, only. But remember, CHAIRS ONLY. Make it make sense.

This one could’ve fit into multiple previous categories, but because—say it with me—seating is SO CONFUSING, I elected to put it here. This is (obviously) a rectangle chair. I mean… it looks like a recliner, to me, but what do I know?

This is a listing for a couch, and this is the only picture. In truth I’m not even sure what this is a picture OF; it could be part of a couch? Maybe? (Maybe an electric recline button. Or an eject button!) But… I just feel like it was a bold choice, is all.

Um. I’m going to hold your hand while I say this: This is a chair. It’s okay; we all get confused sometimes. I mean, usually not while listing a perfectly common household item on Facebook, but whatever.

Could you… uhhh… point to the half for me? No? Is that because… it’s just a chair? Oversize, sure, but still just one chair. I promise.

I’m doubly confused by this one. Is it a quantity of two, for a thing called a seat sofa? Or is it sofas with two seats apiece? The first isn’t a real thing, and I can see with my eyes that these are chairs, sooooo… yeah. Good luck!

Let’s all just take a moment to admire this poster’s enthusiasm. Gimme an S! Gimme an O! Gimme an F! Gimme an A! WHERE YA GONNA SIT?? Sofa! Sofa! Sofa! (This is less confusing than joyful, but I feel like it goes here because who is this excited about an old sofa??)

STAAAAAAHHHHP

I do not expect every Marketplace posting to be a beautifully curated photoshoot. Life is messy, and sometimes you can’t spend a million hours staging before you snap your listing pics. But. BUT. Don’t be gross. I’m begging you.

So, yeah, you’re giving it away for free. That’s nice. Or maybe it’s you being too lazy to rent a dumpster. Who knows? But if you want to entice someone to come get your free furniture, maybe use a picture that doesn’t make it look like said furniture will give you bedbugs. It took a while for me to figure out that this is a chair (?) with all the pleather peeled off, and maybe it was that color underneath already, but… it’s making me itchy.

ABSOLUTELY NOT. Straight to jail. Go! This cat tree is covered in dust and fur and lord knows what else, and all of the sisal is disintegrating. It’s gross and no one who loves their cat(s) is going to touch this with a 10-foot pole. Also one of my grandcats loves to eat string, so my first thought upon seeing this listing was “INTESTINAL BLOCKAGE GUARANTEED.”

Again, sure, you’re still using this piece of furniture, but either empty the drawer before the picture, or just don’t open the drawer. I don’t want to see your random junk pile (including—I am intrigued—a glasses case labeled with a name entirely different from the name of the poster).

Bold to label this particular item “white elegant bed frame” when you couldn’t even be bothered to make the bed before the picture, my guy. I tried really hard to overlook the… tissue (?)… up by the pillow, but then I realized it got worse. It might be hard to see at this size (and YOU ARE WELCOME for not giving you an enlargement), but peep the floor on the righthand side of the bed. I’m pretty sure that’s a dirty plate. Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s a plate that used to have spaghetti (some sort of pasta/sauce, anyway) on it. In the bedroom. Next to your “elegant bed frame,” because all the swankiest people eat pasta in bed.

Is a cast iron, footed cake stand a thing? Because cast iron seems like a weird choice for that. Regardless, this one is covered in a layer of bubbling, mint-colored paint, studded with spots of rust. It’s not every day you get served a yummy cake with lead AND tetanus!

There’s too much stuff on and around this table, first of all. Maybe that’s a nitpick, but I don’t care. If you want someone to buy the table, maybe let them SEE the table. Setting that aside, WHAT are those brown nugget-y things on the floor to the right? Kibble? Rabbit pellets? I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. In fact, I’m pissed off you couldn’t spare five seconds to remove them before taking the photo and that I’m thinking about this at all.

I have SO MANY questions

Mostly my question is WHYYYYYYYYY???? But there are other questions, as well. Take a deep breath; let’s dive in.

Does this mystery mattress (no additional information is provided, and my best guess is that the picture is displaying maybe three square inches of it) come with the cat? Asking for a friend. Who wants to know what you were thinking.

I know it sounds like I’m being snide, but I MUST know: does the poster not know that there is an accepted order to the English language to determine which objects are being modified by which descriptors? Did they not understand that reversing that order—putting “Cow Hide” first and “Faux” after it—means something else entirely, or is this a REAL cow hide made into a FAKE rug? The world may never knows.

I had to read the description to figure out that this is a listing for a parcel of land. Why is the title “Yes” and what does it mean?? Why is there a person in the picture? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

The grammar (or lack thereof) of this title had me flummoxed right from the start. But then I thought about all the adjectives. Wooden? Yes. Small? If you say so. Funny? Uhhhh… does it tell jokes? Wear clown shoes? I need more information. Also I’m a bit stuck on “very useful” because: not just useful, but VERY useful. Hmmmm.

Yup, this is the only picture (technically there is a second pic, but it’s the same). And I’ve included the comment in the description about how it “just need to be repainted.” Sir, are we looking at the same piece of furniture? Because I think you may have misspelled “just needs to go in the dumpster.” That dresser has SEEN some shit. “Some paint” is gonna fix this the same way “thoughts and prayers” are ending gun violence.

This dresser is listed as “used beautifully.” That seems… unlikely, to be charitable. And an interesting choice, to boot. But are we really going to look at this falling-apart pile of MDF and woodgrain stickers—half of which have, apparently, been ripped off one of the drawers—and tell me with your whole chest that there is a “small blemish” on the front? Because… nope. I don’t know what this person was thinking, but I imagine it may have involved a blank look and a cartoon animated “BUFFERING” indicator.

Good news on this one: I only have one question! Can you guess what it is? THAT’S RIGHT—my question is simply, “Excuse me, what the hell is this??” And I have that question because… the title of the listing is “For sale” and the description was left blank. No, really. I’m begging you. What is this? I’ve narrowed it down to 1) a bed frame or crib, 2) a baker’s rack (??), or 3) maybe some sort of baby gate system. And it might be something else altogether. (Did you notice from the dots that there’s a second picture? It’s identical. *whomp, whomp*)

And finally, perhaps my favorite sale ad ever. It’s labeled “goes with bedroom set” and I’m willing to forego asking why it doesn’t say the name of the item in the title, even, because I have so many OTHER questions. First, why is it only a dollar? Second, are you selling the cabinet thing or the TV? Or both? Third, why is this the only picture (because we can’t see the whole thing and I wish we could)? And fourth—and perhaps the most pressing issue of all—WHAT BEDROOM SET? I did my due diligence, friends. I checked thoroughly. This poster does not now, nor have they apparently ever, had a bedroom set for sale. It’s a mystery for the ages.

In conclusion, FB Marketplace is terrifying, but also good for a laugh if you’re sitting around the house in your cheap, new Birkenstocks (trying to break them in) and feel like taking dozens of screenshots to share with the Internet. And THEN you may find yourself wondering if anyone will find it as amusing as you did, but it’s too late now, so don’t even worry about it. You’re welcome!