Dear Chickadee,
This week you have lied about all manner of things both important and inconsequential, insisted on wearing overalls two sizes too small to school, tormented your brother, and generally driven me insane. So it was with some trepidation that I asked you to put napkins in the lunchboxes, this morning, while I ran upstairs to get dressed. I cannot even explain to you how I felt when Monkey’s teacher pulled me aside to let me know that you’d tucked a little note into his lunch. It is that seed of unbounded love that I pray will become the mainstay of your behavioral motivation. In the meantime, these little glimpses may just keep you from being sold to the gypsies. For now.
* * * * *
Dear Mom,
Thank you for passing along the Tinkerbell shirt. I grabbed it out of my closet today after my shower, just as the doorbell rang. It’s very soft and comfy. It wasn’t until I was done dealing with the guy from the Industrial Drying and Cleaning place and happened to walk past a mirror that I realized that something was horribly wrong. Tinkerbell was either tweaking me or checking out my biopsy scar. Either way, I feel violated.
* * * * *
Dear Guy from the Industrial Drying and Cleaning place,
Sorry about the shirt. I didn’t know. Your lack of eye contact makes a lot more sense, now.
Also: $120/day for dehumidifier rentals? I sort of wish I hadn’t been wearing a shirt at all. Maybe that would’ve helped.
* * * * *
Dear Camera,
I’m not sure what it is about the pictures you take at close range. Seriously. My boobs just aren’t that big. Thanks, though.
* * * * *
Dear Rain,
Christ almighty. ENOUGH already.
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Dear Clothing Manufacturers,
I have long ago accepted the silliness that is your method of sizing pants. But can you explain to me why the SAME pants in the SAME cut in the SAME size but a different COLOR are sized completely differently? Nevermind. If I understood, I’m pretty sure the earth would fly off its axis.
* * * * *
Dear Moron in Front of Me at the Dunkin Donuts Drive-Thru,
Put down the Coolatta and listen to me very carefully. The drive-thru is meant for DRIVING THROUGH. Shocking, I know. You place your order, you pick up your order, you drive away. That’s the way it’s supposed to work. You are NOT supposed to place your order, pick up your order, start to drive away, then throw it into reverse while yakking on your cell phone. Did my laying on the horn startle you and interrupt your conversation? Your car crashing into mine sort of put a crimp in my day, too.
* * * * *
Dear EZ-Pass,
Thank you for not listening when I bitched that the sensor unit which attaches to the bumper is ugly and cumbersome. That sensor is the only reason my bumper is still intact. Also the only reason the ditz who rammed me is still alive. (Just between you and me, if the car had been damaged? I would have lost it but good.)
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Dear Teenager Working the Dunkins Window,
I think you may have wet yourself. I’m sorry.
* * * * *
Dear Amy-GO,
You are pretty! Thank you so much for tonight’s dinner. It’s not everyone who 1) can bake a mean pie, 2) will send one halfway across the country, 3) send ANOTHER one halfway across the country, and 4) knows how to make that already generous gesture even better. I would sort of like to stop having life suckage, now, but I also really like it when you send me pie.
I had all sorts of smart-ass things to say, but then I got to Amy-GO and her PIE and OH MY GOD the world is such a GOOD PLACE.
Amy, you rock. Come here and let me kiss you.
(Also–Mir, can I borrow that camera? Just for one minute, I promise. . . )
She’s Tinkerbell – she’s mischievous. That’s her job. And the shirt looks great on you!
If you get a reply from the clothing manufacturers, will you please share with the class? ’cause I really REALLY want to know the answer to that one too.
I hope the upcoming week is not even the teeny-tiniest bit sucky. You deserve a good week. Pie is a good start! Yay Amy-GO and pie!
Dear World,
Fercryin’outloud get off Mir’s back, willya? What am I going to read if you cause her to have a nervous breakdown?
*****
Dear Amy-GO,
You are AWESOME! Please come over to my blog and be my friend, too.
Whoa, a pie! Amy-go, you rock girl. Like is much more bearable with a tummy sated by pie.
Tinkerbell is even more bust-enhancing than Fussy!
I can’t believe after all you’ve been through recently you have to deal with people backing into you. On the plus side, that looks like a great pie!
Jeesh, you could buy a de-humidifier for $120.
Way cool, Amy-go!
Is it the shirt or the camera? Whichever it is, I want it!
If your camera can do rack magic like that, next week can only get better!
thank you for taking the time to bring the funny in the middle of your hell…you rock.
If everyone ate more Pie, the world would be a better place. Pie fixes everything…or at least makes you care about the crap a little less. This is my theory! Mir, I hope it’s just the first tiny baby step toward a MUCH BETTER week.
And P.S….Nice shirt! Nice CAMERA! ;)
Tinkerbell? *looks closer* Oh, sure ’nuff. So, um, nice shirt. D’ya reckon it could be the pixie dust? *grins mischievously*
The pixie dust is the magical way you can turn disaster into high comedy and let us laugh along with you in the middle of all the chaos!
Baby, I think you got some Polish genes in you somewhere. A sterling pair :>) Tink is just giving you her blessing.
Do you think the Dunkin Donuts dunce is related to Ramon?!
Keep shining! And bless Amy and all good friends who don’t ask but do the deed! You’re gonna be okay.
Mir, I think you mean a dehumidifer and if rental is $140.00 a day, you can buy one for about that, its not a bad thing to have running in the basement in the summer. So sorry to hear that your still are having a run of bad days things are bound to turn around soon. Have a great day:Skob
Nice Rack!
Nice Pie!
I am seriously drooling over here. Hell, I’ll buy you a dehumidifier if you’ll wear the pie. No, the shirt. No, either one. I may have just wet myself ;)
We can put the dehumidifier in with the humidifier and let them fight it out.
You’re so funny! And that pie looks mighty good. What a thoughtful friend. Mmmmm….Pie…….
Ohhhh, sounds like you had a rough day. I think I would have lost it too at the incompetent idiot who backed into you at Dunkin’ Donuts. WTF???
Mir!
You are the greatest! I just love to read your posts, they make me lol! :-) Funny thing is, I don’t even know how I ended up at your site.
Ooh…must’ve been a God thing!
How I would love to have a friend like you hanging around…your wit is amazing!
Keep up the great writing!
“can bake a mean pie, 2) will send one halfway across the country”
I kept visualizing 1/2 of a pie flying around the country. I was confused. Why would someone send only 1/2 of a pie?? Huh? Huh?
Must be those muscle relaxers.