On the seventh day, we pigged out

So, um, I never quite know what to say after a post where I’ve worry-vomited all over the keyboard and the majority of you are so sweet and kind about it, holding back my hair and assuring me that it’s okay. I want to follow it up with OH HEY FALSE ALARM, IT’S ALL GOOD! but that isn’t really how it goes.

On Saturday morning, Otto left at the crack of dawn for a work thing, I packed the children off with their dad for the weekend, and then I spent the entire day being responsible to no one and not talking about anything. Not solving any problems! Not discussing my feelings! Just being silent. Blessedly silent. And possibly shopping for shoes and watching bad television.

So Saturday was kind of a break from being “on” and it was just what I needed. Eventually the dog and I crawled into bed and when we woke up on Sunday morning, Otto was back! Hooray!

Otto is concerned about me. You see, he knows that when things get rough with the kids I have a hard time letting it go (HAAAAAAAA!) (something I crack myself up with the use of my subtle understatements) and I may be just a little, you know, kind of depressed. So he was ready to ask me how my Saturday was and also TALK ABOUT FEELINGS to make sure I was okay. But that was not what I wanted to talk about.

I wanted to talk about COFFEE. And also bacon. Because—like any red-blooded American female—I believe in sublimating my angst in food. So I thanked Otto for his concern, asked him how his workshop went, and then demanded that he take me out for brunch because BACON I NEED BACON FIND ME SOME IMMEDIATELY.

Otto is a man of action, so in very short order I was sitting in a cafe, slurping coffee and waiting for my bacon. This is why I married him, readers. (Well, that and his health insurance.) We had a lovely brunch and then I was prepared to return home, so that I could resume doing nothing and speaking to no one, but Otto had the brilliant idea that we should go get frozen yogurt. So we did that!

As we sat outside, enjoying our dessert, there were two young women sitting at the table behind us with their food from a nearby sub shop. I assume they were college students. And as one of them ate her little package of Doritos she went ON AND ON to her friend about how GOD IS SO GOOD and HIS BLESSINGS ARE ENDLESS and how following him seems hard until you realize EXACTLY HOW AWESOME HE IS and Otto and I sat there, eating our yogurt, trying really hard not to laugh.

Now, I’m all for personal beliefs. I’m kind of… well, I’m on the fence about evangelism. I tend more towards the “be a shining example” side of the equation than the “shout it from the rooftops until the heathens repent” kind of thing. But this young lady was 1) really loud, 2) eating Doritos (I’m sorry, I can’t take you seriously about how God calls us to perfection while you’re eating neon cheese dust, I just can’t), and 3) saying… absolutely nothing. I mean, she kept talking about HIS INFINITE BLESSINGS and THE WONDER OF RIGHTEOUSNESS and I began to wonder if maybe she was on drugs. No examples were given. Never did I hear her say, “And here’s what happened as a result of that choice.” She did, however, spend fifteen minutes talking about HOW AWESOME it is to know that I NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT KISSING MY BOYFRIEND, THANKS TO GOD and then another half an hour expounding on her roommate search, because in the past her roommates have been “Christians who are really still just finding their way” and that was “interfering with having a home that’s a haven” and I went from being amused to just thinking that her roommates must’ve spent a lot of time fantasizing about killing her in her sleep.

Hers is the path of righteousness and meaningful cheese dust.

As we headed back to the car I confided to Otto that I am probably a terrible Christian because I derived waaaaay too much amusement out of that conversation, and he kind of patted me and said that the young lady in question seemed happy, and I had to agree that this was true. But then I kissed Otto in the middle of a busy block and said “YEAH BUT SHE’S NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT WITH HER BOYFRIEND” and then I felt quite smug. So. (Then again, Otto and I are married, so I think we’re allowed. Or maybe we’re not. I’m not sure. IT’S SO CONFUSING.)

Back home again, Otto brought all of the leftover snacks from his workshop into the house, and suddenly there were snack-size candy bars everywhere, luring me with their siren song of chocolate deliciousness. I resisted for about an hour, but then the Reese’s Minis and I became… very close.

Today I still don’t have a plan or better outlook on life, but I do have a nice little sugar hangover to remind me that food doesn’t cure problems, it just makes them slightly more delicious, temporarily. Or something.


  1. Aimee

    You know, if any foods COULD solve the problems of the world, those foods would be bacon and chocolate.

    So saith the Lord ;)

  2. Lynn in Mass

    I have a friend who about 10ish years ago became a “Born Again” and occasionally I know she starts with her beliefs. After a few I hear Blah, Blah, Blah. Until the conversation switches.
    I’m glad you were feeling up to blogging today and I’m glad I am on the computer a little bit more lately to read your blogs.

  3. Amanda

    I would have been laughing out loud. You show great restraint.

    Bacon and Coffee…..and then chocolate sound like a great day!

  4. Andrea

    I just read your last post, and I kind of want to come to Georgia so I can hug you and then we can have a beer and cry about our boys until we feel better. Superman had a horrible melt down Saturday, and afterwards my husband wanted to talk about it, and I just..couldn’t. I put him off until last night, and then I sat and cried for about 3 hours. Today my eyes are puffy and my boy is sweet and funny and well-adjusted. We’re going back to the doc tomorrow to see if we can get any info on a sensory or developmental disorder or…something. The sad thing is, I’m terrified that they’ll say, “Sorry, there’s nothing wrong with your kid. He’s just a pain in the ass.” ha! (sob)
    Anyway, I’m so glad you had a good weekend, and you have a good Otto!
    Hope your week turns out to be full of Wonderful Monkey!

  5. hollygee

    Bacon. I think I might have to go cook some.

    Did you talk about anything else?

  6. Em

    Breakfast dessert sounds like something that should have been invented a long, long time ago. I also admire your restraint. You and Otto should have done some heavy petting right there at the table interspersed with a “Hot Damn!” or two. I don’t think that girl will be finding the right kind of roommate any time soon. Sounds like her standards are kind of high.

  7. Beth R

    Thank heavens you’ve got Otto! He seems to be very good at understanding when it’s time to just feed the mama and not try to talk about feelings :)

    And I think it’s only ok to kiss your husband to procreate, and since you can’t, … hmmm… I dunno. Maybe those rules only count while you can still produce more converts?

  8. Megan

    I totally do the angst=food thing, but I think I’m secretly a spartan at heart because my angsty foody thing is not anything delicious and hedonistic and, you know, reasonable like bacon and chocolate – nope, it’s Lipton noodle soup. Family crisis? Red box. Upcoming surgery? Salt and cardboard noodles. It makes no sense at all, but is oh so comforting!

    Hey, at least it makes more sense that REALLY REALLY BLESSED CHEESE DUST. I wonder if she knows the inventor of Doritos recently died? Maybe she was working out her sorrow from that…

  9. Chuck

    Coffee, bacon, and chocolate. Sounds like a winning combination to me. Mmmm….bacon. Now I’m hungry.

  10. Katie in MA

    Strike my comment from the last post. I wish to replace “venting” with “inhaling.” Vent…inhale….whatever it takes to find the next surge of “I can do this.” No one said mommying wasn’t a messy war; sometimes you gotta fight dirty. :)

  11. ste

    Oh my gosh this made me smile for so many reasons! But especially the evangelism. I live in a rural, conservative area and the only mom’s group I was able to find is based in an evangelical church – I listen to various contortions of that conversation while walking through a haze of cheese dust constantly! (I think of myself trying to do the shining example thing, too.)

  12. Gaylin

    After months of eating oh, so correctly, I had Cheetos for dinner on Friday. Maybe God was trying to find me!

    I sat on the grass yesterday holding a complete strangers hand while she got through a panic attack. I think that had more to do with being a good person that expounding the lord over Doritos . . .

  13. addy

    Yes you are correct, it does not fix anything. However, the right combination of foods and drinks makes it all more bearable. Coffee – ice cream (fake ice cream included) will make any situation so much better.

  14. EmmaC

    This shall be my new mantra: food doesn’t cure problems, it just makes them slightly more delicious. So mote it be.

  15. elz

    We went to the beach with friends this weekend & they were in charge of the food. Until Saturday morning when they made breakfast with TURKEY BACON. What the what?! It doesn’t even smell like bacon. Why have bacon if the whole house doesn’t end up smelling like nice fried pork fat?! My husband then drove 15 miles to bring REAL BACON for the next meal. Seriously, turkey bacon. (Also, turkey bacon only has like 70 less calories when you cook bacon properly so it’s hardly worth it. It also ISN’T bacon). Um, sorry for that soapbox.

    Yay for eating to disguise the worry. It’s my patented strategy. Seriously, just wait until you see what I plan on eating at the State Fair this Saturday to deal with my stress and worry.

  16. dad

    You realize of course that you are very close to the edge here.

    Gluttony, with a gold leaf cluster for bacon, coffee and ice cream as well as heresy, for amusing yourself at someone elses euphoriic utterings are both frowned upon and last time I checked were still sins.
    You run the risk of being hit by lightning for either cause.

    As an aside, it has been a really long time since I checked the going list of sins.

  17. Liz

    Mir, I am going to move to Georgia just so we can be real-life friends!

    I spent Saturday evening with really the most lovely group of women you can imagine. They all go to the same church (or used to before it had 40 billion members and started broadcasting services to remote locations – very warm & fuzzy); I’m in the group because I am the lifelong friend of one of the girls – the token sinner as I like to think of myself: divorced (now remarried but lived with my honey IN SIN for 7 years before that) and not even part of the C&E church crowd anymore.

    I somehow got involved in two different discussions about how women should submit to their husbands.

    One of them started with “I was only really happy when I lived to serve the Lord and dedicated my life to the Lord and lived through the Lord.” No details about what that entailed – then she went on to say that she has really struggled with submitting to her husband and that you can’t think of yourself, it has to be all about your husband, and he is smarter and better than you.

    My other girlfriend was talking about a CD series on parenting, and said she got stuck on a particular CD because unless it was a sin, the wife had to submit to the husband as the final say on everything. The example she used was going to the same place every year for vacation.


    I went to Catholic grade, high school & college, got engaged, married, procreated all in the correct order. Then my ex-husband decided he didn’t want to be married anymore & left me with the almost 3 year old, the house & oh yeah – he didn’t want to actually pay for the divorce or file for it – I was supposed to do that.

    I. Don’t. Think. So.

    I had my “City Slickers do-over” moment. I had followed my mother’s list, the church’s list, and everyone else’s good girl list – and look where it got me.

    From now on, I follow MY list. I learned what I like, and what I don’t, and what I’m passionate about, and what I want (and will learn to tolerate) in a relationship. If you are on board with that, great, but I am NOT contorting myself around anyone else (except occasionally my daughter) ever again.

    Fast forward 7 years – I am married to the most wonderful man on the planet (sorry Otto) who considers my daughter his own (and there are times they are so similar, I’m thinking there was a drunken night somewhere 9 months before she born that neither one of us remember…..), and who backs me publicly on everything I do.

    Privately, we aren’t afraid to tell each other to F-off or that the other is being a dumbass (usually me, and he is pretty much always right). We understand it’s not going to break if we don’t hold back & actually let our real feelings fly (that’s why we (read: me) waited 7 years to get married).

    So I’m sitting there with these lovely, lively, intelligent women who are MISERABLE following the tenets of some old white guys who have convinced everyone that They Know What God Wants.

    And the girls then look at me, because I’m not saying anything.

    And a couple of the girls know my feelings on organized religion, etc. so they are interested to see how I am going to respond.


    I’m pretty sure God gave us more intelligence than the average Labrador Retriever because we would know what to do with it. Why not use it?!

    If you’ve been single until age 39 & have a credit score in the 800s (am I the only one who didn’t even realize the scale went that high?), then no, I don’t think it’s a good idea to merge bank accounts with your possible-husband-to-be who has not been as diligent, and I sure as heck would not “submit” to his money management style because you’re now married.

    If you don’t want to be his shadow, then don’t be. If you are miserable waiting on him hand & foot, hire a maid and go rediscover what make YOU tick and what YOUR passion is. You don’t have to share a skin – two totally separate people can co-exist happily in the same space. Chances are he fell in love with your brains, personality & drive for life – if you shut those things off, then……what is he going to be in love with?

    I’ve done fishing tournaments with my husband at the end of October in the upper Midwest (read: 30 degrees with 30 mph wind on open water – yay!) because if I don’t, he will win the dang thing and keep all the prize money for himself. He does not understand my fascination with horses, but when I needed backup on a humane investigation I was on, he was in the field with 6 green broke horses all crowded around him wondering if the camera was edible.

    Bottom line: Whatever higher power is running things probably doesn’t want us to ignore basic common sense in our zeal to talk about Him or Her.

    ((Hugs)) to you, Mir :)

  18. Brigid

    I went to my son’s first special needs soccer game. It was overwhelming, and wonderful, and overwhelming. AND I’m on a diet, so I couldn’t even medicate with chocolate.I did medicate with bacon, because bacon is totally a protein.

    I will admit to having a Dorito-eating Bible-thumper babysit my children on occasion, because her nights seem to be free. :)

  19. Tracy B

    I’m so sorry you are having a hard time. Whenever I’m down (and believe me I’ve been down more than I care to acknowledge), I remember Psalm 37:5-7. It always, I mean ALWAYS, makes me feel better.

    I hope you have a better tomorrow, Mir. {{{hugs to you}}}

  20. Little Bird

    Bacon makes everything better. And I miss it terribly. That and chocolate and wine. Those are the things that are worthy of adoration that borders on worship!

  21. Donna

    When I was in college, a born-again couple got engaged. They prayed to God that she would find the right wedding gown, and do you know what? THEY DID!!!! Hallelujah!

  22. Tenessa

    Oh, gawd, I need a break like that, too!

  23. Stimey

    Those Reeses minis are not just delicious, but ADORABLE.

  24. mamaspeak

    I’m pretty sure, we’re all going to hell for a lot worse than gluttony Mir’s dad. I’ll save you a seat, as my g’ma used to tell me, “it’s where all the fun people are going to be.” She did have a point.

    Mir- I admire yourself restraint. I’m pretty sure I would’ve busted out laughing. But, as Brigid pointed out, great babysitting potential. I’m going to go check out an evangelical, as we need more babysitter options. ;-)

    Next time, maybe a bacon flavored yogurt could cut down on trips. ;-)

  25. Brigitte

    My friend was just saying yesterday how she hated being woken up from a dream about Daniel Craig, and I confessed MY interrupted dream was about . . peanut noodles. Even in my sleep, I love food.

  26. Rachael

    @ Liz — you wouldn’t believe the whole group of women (and men) that have no concept of what it means to submit to your husband. Most think of it as being subservient or allowing themselves to be meek and stepped on by your spouse. The guys think of it as it’s a dictatorship and it’s my way or hit the highway. But it’s not. We were created to be a a helper to our husbands. They’re supposed to love us as they love themselves. So if that ain’t happening, then the whole equation is wrong. It’s more about us showing respect to them in the way they need it. Okay, leaping off my soapbox now.

    Mir, I think it’s easier for me to deal with my LD and MR kids with ADD because they’re my step-daughters and I don’t have the same emotional connection with them as my bio kids, so my emotions are less likely to get tangled up in the hurting crappy part of it. I’m able to make those tough decisions for them because it’s kind of like being on the outside looking in. But on the other end, some days it SUCKS. And some days I really do hurt for them because I know it’s not fun having to be in special ed and not getting how the world works.

    But I still think that bacon perfume would be an awesome thing for you for you to spray around the house on stressful days. But don’t spray it on you. ((HUGS))

  27. Anonymous

    Funny, how you seem to have such “tolerance” and an open mind towards everything and everybody EXCEPT people who have a deep belief in God. I’m sure you’ll say you do “tolerate” them but you still make fun of them and that is just well, uncool. What will be really interesting is your attitutude the day you find out they were right the whole time. I bet you won’t be laughing then. I mean, you said the girl talking wasn’t giving any examples of how God is so awesome etc. but the conversation wasn’t for you. I’m sure the person she was talkiing to understood perfectly what she meant. Instead of mocking them, why don’t you try to understand where they are coming from….just like you do for all the other groups that you are so tolerant of. I love reading your blog. You are an awesome writer…so funny….and I can see that you love your kids and your family life so much and for that I truly admire you. I just can’t understand why you make it sound like it’s ok to be anything in the world you want to be EXCEPT a truly strong believer in Jesus Christ. Why do you pick on them and what they believe in? I just don’t understand…

  28. Jan in Norman, OK

    Tangential thought: This morning in staff meeting, someone mentioned that last year at the Texas State Fair, one of the “food” offerings was Deep-Fried Bacon covered with Chocolate Sauce.

    Not quite sure what that says about American culture. Or anything else, for that matter.

  29. Liza

    Wow, Mir, I had no idea you had such judgmental readers.

    Apparently you are allowed to be witty and funny and joking about your fence, your dog, your kids, and your community, so long as no one is talking about God. Good thing the people who built your fence weren’t talking about God while (slowly) building (or not building) you a lousy fence.

    I happen to believe in a loving God who also has a sense of humor. Why else would there be chocolate covered bacon?

  30. Kathy

    I discovered a REALLY easy recipe for pasta carbonara and made it last night. I might gain 100 lbs. with my new favorite comfort food!

    Just sayin’!

    I get ya, girl!!


  31. Carolie

    Mir, I don’t know for sure, but I have to guess, especially when you said you were on the fence about evangelism. I bet you’re one of us Episcopalians! I say that because as an Episcopalian, I know we love Jesus, and we believe in Jesus, but some of us seem to have a very difficult time talking out loud (and not in unison) about Jesus .


  32. Carolie

    Awww damn. It left out my *whisper* and */whisper* tags.

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