Tales of the Interloper

By Mir
August 15, 2011

(Subtitle: Licorice’s account of The Trauma.)

It was bad enough that they had so many PEOPLES here, milling around, and the puppy-ones were all splashing in the Wet Pit Of Despair and shrieking, probably because being all wet is so horrible. I was dealing with that. I was just trying to stay out of everyone’s way, just eating a little grass, wandering out to my run and sniffing along the fence and everything, but then IT happened.

The Interloper appeared. I don’t know who he thinks he is, but he’s big and drooly and my people are acting like he’s wrapped in bacon or something, just because he’s old. He may be old, but he’s still trouble. I can tell. I tried to protect my family from him, bravely hurling myself between them and him at every opportunity, but whenever I did he stuck his nose all up in my lady-business like a total cad. Fresh!! Finally I was so stressed out I just had to go back to eating grass in the corner.

I was keeping my eye on him, though. Just in case.

Do you know what that big dumb dog did? He went into the water. ON PURPOSE. Can you believe how stupid he is? All of the puppy-people screamed and screamed, probably because they knew that next he’d be shoving his nose in their nethers, only this time it would be all wet and slimy.

Eventually he found his way out of the Wet Pit, but he just seemed so HAPPY. It was disgusting. I had to sulk for a long time while he was basking in the sun on the porch, after that.

Once most of the people went home, MY people had the audacity to leave, too, and they left me with HIM. And I had to go in my crate, but HE got to stay out. THIS IS MY HOUSE. I never! And when they came back, everyone smelled like food and his people kept trying to pet me but they smelled like him and I was still sulking.

But then his lady-person sat down with an apple and everything just faded away for a little while. It was just her. And me. And the ZOMGANAPPLE. She shared it with me (of course). I made my best “I am starving” face. Works every time!

But all good things must come to an end, and once the apple was gone, THE BIG DUMB DOG WAS STILL HERE, and worse, he came outside with me to sniff all of my favorite pee spots. By the time I went to bed (I snuck into Mom and Dad’s room and they let me stay! SCORE!) I could only hope he was leaving soon.

I kept falling asleep. But then waking up! Because I heard something! IT WAS HIM! BREATHING!! Well, I wasn’t going to let that go. I would sound the alarm! And then my people would say bad words at me, like they didn’t appreciate my help at ALL. Didn’t they know I was just letting them know he was still around? Sheesh. I mean, I only did that four or five times in the night. I was keeping them informed!

This morning? Yeah, that’s right. He’s still here. I stay as far away from him as possible, because he can’t move very fast, but he still seems to always find a way to get fresh.

See what I mean? The boy-puppy held me there and ALLOWED THAT TO HAPPEN. I have to go pee on his pillow, now.

I don’t know how long I’ll be forced to endure these indignities, but I’m working on a plan. It involves that one being left outside… permanently.


  1. Angela

    That is hilarious! I’m positive that’s how doggies think, too. All my friends have male dogs so my poor little Ginger poodle has to deal with this all the time, she always tells me that boy dogs are SO dumb :-P And then jumps in my lap so I have to fight them off. Happy Birthday week!

  2. Aimee

    Oh no. I can practically hear the weepy violins that are scoring The Trials of Licorice. Poor baby.

    PS, you are funny.

  3. Laura

    That’s hilarious! Poor Licorice!

  4. Another Dawn

    I’m not sure my dog would react that way. She loves EVERYBODY regardless of species.

    But my cat? He TOTALLY thinks that way. My daughter moved back in with two kittens and my cat promptly declared one of them ENEMY NUMBER ONE. The other one is okay in his books and allowed to play with and groom him. But ENO must be hissed and snarled at with every encounter, even after two years of living here.

    I can no longer let my cat into my bedroom because he will pee on my bed to prove, “It’s mine, SUCKAS!” He makes the “I’m just a poor, wee helpless kitteh!” face at me but I’m not caving any time soon.

    Go get ’em, Licorice!

  5. MomCat

    Puppy people…hilarious!

  6. Sarah

    Licorice sure is clever to be able to tell the difference between “puppy people” and regular people. My brother’s dog, Lucy, (also a black miniature poodle) spent months staring at her favourite toy in the new “puppy people”‘s lap, and waiting for him to throw it.

    (Silly 5 day old Andrew didn’t oblige her).

    She would try several times a day – dropping her toy on his lap, then staring at it and willing Andrew to play fetch with her.

    Luckily, Lucy had the last laugh – Andrew is 18 months old now, and he will not only throw toys, but he shares his people food too! (Of course, he also steals her kibble from time to time, but no one is perfect)

  7. Kristi


  8. brian

    Interlopers need luv, too.

  9. Tracy B

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!! I’m not laughing at you, Licorice..just with you! I know you aren’t laughing now, but one day, you’ll read this when your older and think how silly you are! ;o)

  10. Beth

    Fantastic! We always give the dog “people voices” but your story takes the cake!

  11. Billie

    Love it!!

  12. Katie in MA

    Pssst….Licorice. I can help you. Just go get a very big stick, hold it in your mouth, and approach That Big Silly Other One and say, “Hello! I am Licorice Montoya! You invaded my space! Prepare to die!” Or, you know, feel free to substitute that last bit with “go home!” or “stay outside!” or whatever strikes you.

    Trust me. It might not work, but your mama will think you are adorable and probably feed you something very nummy.

  13. s

    send the interloper home with fleas or something, that will fix him!

  14. addy

    See Dumb Ass’s puppy is now 21 years old now and preparing to leave AGAIN for college – he is simply beside himself. What with all the hullaballou and moving stuff around. And hey aren’t you forgetting one of those furry quadrapeds? Hey you cant leave THAT here? Right-right-RIGHT???!!! Hey HEY when ya comin’ back? Last time was too long. Hello hello HEYLLLOOOO!!!

  15. Anthony from CharismaticKid

    I had to go look up the word interloper in my computer dictionary. Now I ain’t so stupid no more!

  16. Anna

    Oh, dear. Did she really keep you up all night and pee on Monkey’s pillow? Poor girl.

  17. Reb

    I’m impressed. If my cat kept me up all night and peed on a pillow, I wouldn’t be so funny about it!

    I love the reasoning about why people scream in the pool. Perfect.

  18. mamaspeak

    Mir–I’m not sure if I should laugh or be concerned for you. ;-)
    Sure would love to hear the “interloper’s” version of this. If said, interloper was inclined to write or not.

  19. jean

    Wet pit of despair!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! You kill me, Mir. So funny.

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