On notice:

By Mir
September 1, 2009

[Alternate title: You Damn Kids Get Off Of My Lawn.]

[Alternate alternate title: No, Seriously, Knock It Off.]

[Alternate alternate alternate title: You Really Might Not Want To Tick Me Off Right Now.]

I’m willing to cop to being fairly irritable. I’m easily riled. It’s true. I try to take it in stride. I also try to recognize when I’m overreacting, even if only to justify having more chocolate (“It’s my MEDICINE!”) or whatever. But sometimes too many annoying things happen in too short a span of time for me to digest them in a calm and rational way.

So here are a few things I feel the need to vomit back at the world this week. You’re welcome for that appetizing metaphor. You are now in the perfect frame of mind for this!

My bank. Once upon a time I could access all of my accounts in one place and do all of my banking online, and it was Very Good. Then my accountant made me convert my business account to a Super High Tech All-Official Business Account, and now it’s impossibly borked. I can not transfer money between that and my “regular” account anymore, or at least I can’t do it online. And if I wanted to go to the bank every week I’d be driving a horse and buggy. Plus do not even get me started on the fifteen layers of security I need to go through to even GET to my business account now. I have a SUPERSECRET TOKEN! I have to press the button on this little gadget and enter the 6-digit code on the screen in under 15 seconds or it explodes! Or, okay, maybe it doesn’t explode, but it doesn’t let me in! Seriously, now. I understand the need for this sort of security for a big business. Anyone breaking into my business account is going to be sorely disappointed. I mean, unless they really want one of these supersecret token thingies.

Motherf*^$%$ contact lenses. I am now using prescription eyedrops that cost more than my car, and I still cannot wear the stupid things for longer than about 5-6 hours. Yet I still try, because I am a moron.

Del Monte No Sugar Added Fruit. Del Monte fruit cups are buy one, get one free at Publix this week. I like to keep some in the cupboard for emergencies; the kids like them, and having shelf-stable fruit is handy either when we run out of fresh or it’s the middle of the winter and I tire of explaining to the children that, no, we’re not paying a billion dollars a pound for fresh peaches grown on Mars. Imagine my delight to discover that Del Monte now makes a version with NO ADDED SUGAR! Perfect! Fruit is ALREADY SWEET, so I’ve never understood that, anyway, and I merrily set to loading up my cart. Until I realized that there’s teeny, tiny fine print that says “Splenda added.” So, there’s no sugar added, that’s true. Just a buttload of chemicals. NICE. This offends me deeply. Repeat after me, Del Monte: FOOD SHOULD BE FOOD. Very good.

Doctors’ office staff who know they have the power. No, I am not calling again specifically to make your life miserable, ma’am. Not that I haven’t considered it, by this time, but no, really, I am just trying to jump through the prescribed hoops in the proper order to get to where I need to go. Yes, I know I need your help. Yes, I am trying very hard to be cordial. No, I will not stop calling until you do your job. Thankyouverymuch.

People who don’t return phone calls and then don’t apologize. Look, life happens. I get that. But if you can’t be courteous, at least pretend like you’re sorry. A simple, “Oh, I’ve been so swamped, sorry I haven’t gotten back to you” is sufficient. I don’t even care if you ARE sorry. Pretend. Then I can pretend not to be irked. It’s part of the social contract, people. If you don’t pretend to be at least a little sorry, I’m going to have a hard time pretending I don’t want to punch you.

My name. Okay, this one is a lie. I don’t hate my name. I hate people who cannot remember/pronounce/spell my name. My name is not Miranda. My name is not Maryanne or Marion or Myrrh. It is not Mariah or—and this was a new one—Mariana. And yes, I’M SURE. Why do people argue with me about what my name is? Do they think I’m confused? The mind boggles.

Waiting. Waiting for a call back. Waiting for a meeting. Waiting to hear a decision. Waiting for an appointment. Waiting for things to change. Waiting for things to get better. Waiting for results. Waiting for anything I want RIGHT NOW, not later. Which is just about everything.

That should cover it. Consider yourself notified.


  1. Jean

    I hate days like that…and I agree with you on every point. How hard is it to spell Jean? Why do they always default to GENE!!! That’s a boys name!

  2. Jeffrey Levine

    I hope you dont mind us getting a chuckle out of some of this – we are laughing WITH you (though I’m not sure you’re laughing). Anyway, I wanted to add a frustration that I experienced this last week – I have power of attorney over my mother’s affairs (she has Alzheimer’s). Her bank, issued her a credit card, and then authorized a monthly charge for some “insurance” thing (actually a scam). Meanwhile both the bank and the credit card division of the same bank are blaming each other and neither is taking responsibility – offering that my mother gave her verbal approval, and received info in the mail. Is this legal? I mean, I know it isnt ethical, but sheesh! Anyway, thanks for listening and keep up the great posts.

  3. susie

    So sorry to hear it’s been a rough time. Anyone of those things is annoying all by itself but put ’em all together and you have a right to be cranky. Can you pass the chocolate now?

  4. Randi

    Aw Mir, I totally hear you. (I love the vomit phrase, btw). I had a HUGE fight with a woman who was a very close friend but who suddenly agrees with her significant other that I’m a horrible human being who apparently isn’t fit to waste her time with.

    Think some unsweetened peaches would help the day?

  5. Megan

    Yup, sounds like utterly reasonable spewing fodder (oh dear. yes, that WAS an unfortunate metaphor you chose). It’s all those little pin-pricks that just build up into one ginormous life-pin-cushion of suck.

    Hmmm… that metaphor actually wasn’t any better at all.

  6. Crisanne

    I fell for the no sugar added ones once. My kids wouldn’t even eat them, they tasted to terrible. Once I read the label more carefully, I knew why. Why, Del Monte, why???

  7. Ani

    Emergency chocolate delivery is obviously called for.

    One round of Hershey bars all around, on me.

  8. Ani

    And…LOL, if you follow your DelMonte link, the next item on the list is

    Kibbles ‘n Bits® Wholesome Medleyâ„¢
    New Wholesome MedleyTM dog food contains a full offering of quality ingredients like poultry meal, brown rice, apples, peas and carrots. There is no wheat gluten, no artificial flavors and no artificial preservatives. Each bite offers great taste and wholesome nutrition without compromise!

    So, hey, the DOGS get FOOD, the people get chemicals. What a country.

  9. bethany

    for shelf-stable no-sugar-added fruit try natural applesauce. It’s truly no sugar added, just apples and water. I let my kids sprinkle a little cinnamon sugar on theirs and they think it’s cool.

  10. Brooke

    We received some dog treats recently because the previous dog had died. So, my 10 year old daughter was looking at the ingredients and found high fructose corn syrup in the dog treats and said “maybe that’s why the dog died”! I’m still laughing.

    I fell for that “no sugar added” lie once too. (Splenda gives me flu like symptoms) Now I try to go grocery shopping alone so I can read all the labels all the time! I would really love to buy FOOD at the grocery store. Is it such a hard concept????

  11. Jen

    Amen. And pass the chocolate over here…

  12. bad penguin

    I’m a diabetic who hates fake sugar products like Splenda, and I too am bitter that “No Sugar Added” frequently means “but we’ve added plenty of other unnecessary crap instead.”

    The thing that is frustrating me today is that it is free if I let the bank take my mortgage payment out of my account automatically, but if I would prefer to be the one to initiate the transaction, there is a fee. If it doesn’t cost them anything to take the money out of my account electronically, why should I pay them $15 to send them the money electronically? And the woman was annoyed with me when I said I’d send my payment in by mail! I’ve heard too many stories of them taking out double payments by mistake to sign up for automatic payments.

    I hope your week gets better from here.

  13. Justin

    I’m thinking of trying this http://www.gentlemolding.com/ contacts you wear at night that correct your vision.

  14. Lucinda

    I ran into the thing with the fruit cups too just this last week. Pissed me off. Seriously?????? And they wonder why we don’t trust them. Sheesh.

    Sorry you’ve been having such a craptastic time lately. Hope it settles for you.

  15. Half Assed Kitchen

    I’ve gotten bad about returning calls. I often don’t have the energy. Especially when there’s email.

  16. Kate

    Add another vote for the whole “no sugar added” or “less sugar” scam. Would they just make stuff with less sugar?? If they do, they fancy up the packaging and charge more for a “natural” product. I just want oatmeal or a cup of yogurt that isn’t going to give me a sugar crash half an hour later. I gave up and started learning how to make things from scratch.

    Oh, and I can’t wear the fancy expensive contacts either. Especially if I’m somewhere where there is dust. I’m sure you can imagine how well avoiding dust goes.

  17. ChristieNY

    :( i hope your week gets better and you start getting answers and appointments and all that good stuff.

    in the meantime, thank goodness there is chocolate. hugs!

    (okay i can’t resist the rant – i am forever being asked if i’m sure my name isn’t christine or chrystal or christina or if they actually get the name right then they spell it kristy, kristi, christi, crysti, it’s incredible. lots of people say, “what is the name ‘christie’ short for? that’s just a nickname, right?” OH you’re right, i don’t know my own name… thanks ;) LOL)

  18. Nancy R

    Count me in on the “no sugar added” thing. Having to read labels for my daughter’s peanut allergy has really opened my eyes to the amount of crap in food. Don’t even get me started on added food coloring…

    My husband’s knows someone named Brian who “let an employee go” because he continually spelled his name wrong…”Brain”…complementary at least, right?

  19. Chuck

    I saw T-Mobile is now charging people to send them a paper bill. I don’t use them any more, thank goodness…and I could rant on about WHY for many paragraphs…but it still sort of annoyed me.

    Hope your week improves, but I’d buy some extra chocolate just to be on the safe side.

  20. Sara

    I’m sort of having a week like this too, thanks to a neighbor offering “friendly” advice to me first thing Monday morning. I’m ready to tell people to knock off the passive/aggressive crap and just be aggressive. I’m ready for a good old fashioned throw down! (This from a peace-loving girl who has never had a physical fight with someone other than with a sibling when I was a child.) Bring it!!
    Also, I am waaaay past the helpful chemicals in chocolate. Shall I save you some booze?

  21. Patricia

    I’m with you on the name thing. With a name like Patricia — I get many people (most of a certain age) who think I MUST be called Pat. I’m not a Pat, never been one and don’t intend on starting. What amazes me is that when I say things like, “I don’t go by Pat” or “I prefer Patricia” the person gets offended. I’m not allowed to be pissy that they just called me by the WRONG name, oh, no…I must endure them being angry at me for not allowing them to continue to call me the wrong name.

    Here’s a thought people of a certain age who think all Patricia’s like to be Pat — If I introduce myself as “Patricia” perhaps that is what I really want to be called. I don’t know, try it sometime.

    And um, I tell my mom all the time that I’m going to the courthouse and changing my name — I’m guessing you wouldn’t suggest I chose Mir, huh?

  22. meghann

    I am so glad I am not the only one offended by the no sugar thing! You get the same thing shopping for jellies and jams too. SIGH.

  23. Jennifer

    I think there must be something in the air. I’ve had a
    crap-tastic week and it’s only Tuesday. Maybe that’s why this rollerderby librarian has totally INSPIRED ME….I need a legal reason to pound someone. So okay, I’d probably take one hit and be done but still….I could at least have a cool nickname!

  24. Katherine

    I’m so with you on the no sugar added bit. Why, oh why, can’t they just let the natural sweetness be enough. And why do they assume that if you want low fat, you must also want artificial sweetness??? I like the Publix fruit on the bottom yogurt, but its too sweet, so I cut it with plain yogurt.

    I agree with Patricia. If I wanted to be Kathy, I would introduce myself that way. I don’t! I generally just refuse to hear people who call me Kathy. I’ve lost track of the number of different ways people can misspell Katherine though – the craziest was one where they managed to put 4 ‘e’ s in there – I no longer remember how.

  25. Stacia

    Someone once argued with my grandpa about the pronunciation of his own name. My grandpa was in his late 60’s so if he was pronouncing his own name wrong, he had been doing it for a very long time. Hope your week gets better!

  26. pharmgirl

    Do I owe you a call?

    Hang in there, Dearheart. This too shall pass.

  27. Lylah


  28. Niki

    What Mir said.

  29. Frank

    True Story: a few days ago my wife had some important intracompany email chain come across her desk. In that mail they addressed her direct to get her input, only they called her a totally different FIRST name. She didnt make a big deal out of it (tho I enjoyed calling her the wrong name for about 10 minutes). Later that day the person who called her the wrong name in the Email called her on the phone and asked her…. if her name has ALWAYS been (correct first name)…!!!??? Ummm. no. i changed it in the last hour just to confuse you, dumbass. But I see you didnt need my help…

  30. Frank

    .. and, I second the WTF for “Myrrh”….

  31. Brigid

    I was supposed to get MRI results today for my 2yo. No results. No call saying the results would be back tomorrow. So, of course, I called them. And you would think I showed up at their house in the middle of the night. Grrr. So I self-medicated with chocolate and now my belly hurts.

    Don’t get me started on names. I usually spell Brigid a minimum of three times before they just look at me with a blank stare and I shrug and say “Whatever.”

    Here’s to a Wednesday of good news, returned calls and naturally sweet fruit.

  32. KSM

    I second the all natural applesauce.. it’s good! And actually natural! And they have fun flavors like mixed berry, which I thoroughly enjoy.

  33. Crista

    Oh the name thing! I have grown up correcting my name and spelling it. Now I don’t even give people a chance. “Crista C-R-“…And probably about half the people still spell it wrong! Not to mention getting called Christina, Christy, Kristen, or any variation of the “Chris” names. Not that there’s anything wrong with those names, but they’re not *my* name!
    /end rant. Thank you :)

    p.s. I also love “Are you sure that’s your name?” !! I have gotten that one, too!

  34. WaywardGoddess

    Oh my, the name thing… My daughter’s name is Leigh. Simple enough, right? Apparently not. She gets called Leah, Leanne, and our personal favorite League. Seriously?? LEAGUE!?
    We currently have a teacher that flat out refuses to call her by her name. I’ve told her it’s Leigh, not Leah. My daughter has told her. Leigh has even taken to writing (Not Leah) on her classwork, but this woman still calls her Leah.

  35. Brigitte

    At a very young age, I gave up on bothering to tell people how to spell my name. I’ve even had people go “Oh, what a lovely Irish name!” and I just smile vaguely. Whatever.

    I’ve been tricked by a few “No Sugar” or “Reduced Sugar” products. Once it took until I tasted it (Bleeah!!) to figure out it had the chemicals in it. Never again.

  36. Mary

    I was waiting for a “kids on the lawn story” and since I didn’t get one, let me share mine – LOL!

    We’re far from fanatical about people on our lawn though we do like to keep it nice. Years ago, we had planted grass seed along the side of our house and put up string between the property lines in an attempt to keep the children next door off of it while it (hopefully) grew in. Imagine my surprise when I looked out the window and saw the kids doing cartwheels over the string!?!?!

    Then, when the grass did finally grow in, I looked out the window on a nice hot, bright sunny day, to see them playing twister on the lovely grass! This, of course, because THEIR parents could give two hoots about what their lawn looked like so they, basically, didn’t have a nice soft place to play in their own yards.


  37. Diahn Ott

    Oh, I hear you on the name thing…My name is Diahn. No – not Diane or Dianne or DINAH for heaven’s sake. And yes, it is spelled correctly. Don’t you think I’d know if it wasn’t?

    (it’s like dee-on, btw)


    Hope the end of your week improves…

  38. NotLynn

    I knew someone in college who thought it was hilarious to call me by the wrong name. Until I called him “Edgar” in front of all our mutual friends. (Not his actual name. No offense to the Edgars of the world.) And then suddenly he remembered my name.

    Now people have issues with my last name. Like it couldn’t possibly be “Lynn,” that’s a girls first name. I must have made a mistake and given them my first name. “No, dear, what’s your last name?” Sigh!

  39. elizabeth

    YEAH! And my name is Elizabeth, not LIZ! Unless you are my preceptor who is directly responsible for my grade, then I will sigh and answer to Liz.

  40. el-e-e


    Me too.

  41. Aimee

    Oh, I so feel your pain. My life lately is a sea of people who don’t return phone calls and don’t even pretend to be sorry that they haven’t. And the name thing? I know my name has an unusual spelling. But when it’s right at the top of the e-mail I just sent you (and at the bottom, fercryinoutloud!) there is no excuse for addressing your reply, “Dear Amy.”


  42. mamalang

    Must be in the air. My husband is Larry. He had a teacher that insisted on calling him Lawrence, and that isn’t his name. She sent him to the principals office because he refused to answer her. The principal told him to take the rest of the day off to let her cool down and he would talk to her, then drove him home. (gotta love the 70’s).

    My name is Tamara. Imagine what I get with that one!

    ANd here’s my rant. When someone is out sick for 3 weeks, do not tell me that they are the only person in the entire world that can handle my request, and too bad if it cost me an extra $600 because she wasn’t in.


  43. Javamom


  44. Heather

    Customer service no longer exists especially at banks or doctors offices. I was trying to find out something that happened in my account at the bank and getting snippy help – when I said that I didn’t like her attitude toward me (the customer) – she said she didn’t like mine either – I asked for her supervisor – who of course wasn’t available. I would have understood had I been cursing or screaming but at that point I was using sarcasm. I work in the customer service industry so I just want to be treated the way I treat irritated people. Nicely without attitude.

  45. Katie in MA

    Perhaps all those silly “what’s your name?” people have had their minds messed up from too many “sugar-free” products. My bank – who doesn’t even have online banking, but I use for debit-items and direct-deposit anyway (my banking life is complicated, don’t ask) – has started charging ridiculously high s&h fees to mail new checks. Now, I don’t order checks that often since the only ones I write are to daycare once a month. BUT, I had signed up for free checking, which turned into free-checking-if-you-pay-us-$5/month, which has now turned into Not-Free-at-all Checking. And they wonder why I want to close the account.

    Wow. You probably didn’t want all of us bitching back about OUR problems today, did you? :)

  46. mama speak

    Put everything down & get emergency chocolate now! NOW!!!

    Dude, I’m so there w/you, on all of it. Hang in there & listen to Javamom’s advice.

  47. Laura

    People like to question whether my name really is Laura. It isn’t Linda, or Lisa? No, I checked, and it’s really Laura.

  48. Tracy

    Ok, now that ALL of that is out of the way. Happy Love Thursday, EVE!

  49. Miriam

    TOTALLY understand the name thing…it’s NOT rocket science people, and besides haven’t those people ever been to Sunday School?! ;-)

  50. Little Bird

    I too, have one of those names. The kind that give receptionists fits. I have been told I have spelled my name wrong. When going to a new doctors office I bring as many official forms of ID as I can, because, invariably, I get told “No, sweetie, we need your given name. Not your nickname.” I used to get told “You’re named after the presidents daughter!” Despite the fact that I am nearly ten years older than her. AND I spell it differently. I use one “n”. And now you can figure out my name.
    I feel your pain. At least in that regard.

  51. Dawn

    I have to choose the sugar-laden foods because all of the artificial sweeteners make me quite nauseated. Which fits in nicely with your vomit comment.

    Hi. My name is Dawn M**** D-A-W-N.

    That’s how I give my name to receptionists. Saves a boatload of time, and I avoid getting called Donna (which, while a lovely name, is not my name) and prevents subsequent mail to Mr. Don M****.

    As for the last name, during one year of high school, it took our homeroom teacher until FEBURARY to be able to stop confusing the pronounciation of my last name with the girl who was next after me on the class list. There is one more letter in her name (a doubled consenant that changes the pronounciation of the first vowel). EVERY DAY for almost SIX MONTHS, she’d say, “Dawn M*ss**” and I’d say, “It’s M*s**.” Then she’d say, “Sandra M*s**” and Sandra would say, “It’s M*ss**.” This was made even more annoying by the fact that my last name is the name of a trade AND “a fraternal organization whose membership has shared moral and metaphysical ideals” that EVERYONE has heard of. She had to be a complete MORON not to have known how to pronounce it. Finally, one of us lost her patience and said, “For God’s sake, you’ve been misprounouncing our names since September! It’s just not that difficult!” and she started saying them correctly.

    Gosh. It would appear I have name-related issues. Anyhoo, I feel your pain.

  52. Nicole

    Man, how I hate days like those. But that is what blogs were invented for, really, to vomit out the grumpy shit for other people’s amusement. Ahhh, blogs.

  53. joaaanna

    Despite my little ‘comment-name’ up there – it is JoAnna. Yes – I know, that is a capital ‘A’ thrown in there just to mess with you. Talk to my mom about it. But while we are on the subject of the letter ‘A’ – let’s look at the SECOND ‘A’ in the name. It is not an ‘e’ or invisible.
    Jo A nna. Sound it out. Put it all together… there you go! Very good! (Makes me want to sing that Ting-Ting’s song – THAT’S NOT MY NAME, THAT’S NOT MY NAME!)

    As for Splenda? It’s right up there with HFCS for me. Why is sweet stuff added to FRUIT?! Why can’t you even get YOGURT that doesn’t have that crap in it? Splenda makes it takes WAY too sweet. My husband picked up some of the all-natural, good-for-you, rice yogurt… gag. I’ll just do without.

    Hang in there Mir! (speaking of your name, can you give us any background on it? I’ve always been curious.)

  54. Debbi

    YEAH Mir!! i agree 100% about the “no-sugar added” crap…I am soo tired of picking up things and then finding out it has splenda or some other crap in it. JUST DON’T PUT SUGAR IN IT and we will be fine! Sigh…

    That is why I look for organic, mostly just to keep the nasty chemicals out of my diet. There are some great applesauces out there like someone mentioned above, that doesn’t have sugar or splenda!

    Hope your days have improved!

  55. Kemi

    I have name issues too. Or, rather, others have issues with my name.

    Yes, my name is Kemi. No, it’s not short for anything. Really. No, it’s not possible that I’m in eighth grade and just don’t know what my full name is. My full name is Kemi. It’s Japanese. It’s not Kimmy or Kami or Tammy.

    It’s MADDENING! I’ve learned to spell it after I say it. “Kemi. K-E-M-I, like ‘chemistry’.” Sometimes it helps. Not always. :)

  56. Kelly

    I have never understood why there can’t be shelf-stable fruit just in juice other than pineapple tidbits… or at least somehow not floating in syrup. And I won’t give my toddler splenda or other artificial whatever at this point if I have a choice…

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