A little green to soothe me

So far today I have:

Forgotten to dole out allergy medications and vitamins at breakfast, been called to come bring something in to school on a day when it would make me very happy to never leave the house, managed to be in the shower when people came to the house needing me, become convinced that I somehow managed to get myself hired for a project that will never ever end (Everybody sing: “This is the job that never ends, never ends, never ends!”) and eaten everything in sight that I’m allowed to have on this new elimination diet I’m trying to get my skin and my mood and my life back on track. Those allowed foods, by the way, amounted to a cup of tea, some leftover bean soup, a handful of spinach, carrot sticks, and an apple. There was no delicious SUGAR or DAIRY or WHEAT in any of it, and I’m not sure I can go on living.

I am hungry. And grumpy. And even though you’re my favorite, I’m probably not being very nice to you right now. I’m sorry. Do you have any cheese?

In other words, my mood isn’t much improved over yesterday.

So I went outside to look at the garden, because that generally picks me up a bit.

The zucchini and the bush beans are poised to take over the earth, but what I was interested in checking was the green beans. We have six green bean poles, and the kids have been marking off the plants’ growth with a Sharpie.

The bean vines appear to grow about four inches every day. Which is nuts. I mean, CRAZY.

And first it was “but how will they know to go around the poles?” and then it was “how tall will they get?” and now it’s “but what happens when they get to the top?”

The answers to those questions are: “They just do,” “I have no idea,” and “Beats the heck out of me.” You’re welcome.

Well, based on yesterday’s growth, I had a feeling I would get a new answer to one of those questions today. And I did.

Today still sucks; I still feel tired and stupid and slow and cranky and there’s nothing I would like more than to be able to sleep for a day and then just sit around for a day doing absolutely nothing at all. No one would ask me for anything, there would be no bickering, the work wouldn’t mount up on my desk, and unicorns would fly out of my ass. It would be a thing of beauty. And it’s never, ever going to happen. Hence the cranky.

Now the answer to “What happens when they get to the top?” is…


In my next life, I hope I come back as a plant. (Preferably one that isn’t eaten by slugs.)


  1. Megan

    I’ll be a plant too. I’ll be a big ol’ nasty poison oak is what I’ll be.

    You know, in a karmic sort of, you will be what you was sort of way.

    Does it count as “the week is nearly over” if it’s only Wednesday? Because I’m counting it.

  2. Rosie

    Actually, I think unicorns flying out of your ass would be rather unpleasant.

  3. JennyM

    I looked, and the only cheese I’ve got is very, very moldy. And that is yet another small domestic tragedy.

    Glasses of wine and Magical Ass Unicorns for all!

  4. Jennifer Joyner

    I had several days in a row like this last week–I was grumpy and nothing I tried improved my mood. One night, I had had enough: my husband came home late without calling me to give me a heads up, leaving me to do bed and bath alone. Once I got the kids down, I went straight to bed myself and DIED. I slept like 10 hours and felt SO much better the next day. Here’s hoping you find a similar solution!

  5. Tracy

    I think it must be in the weather. This rainy, dreary and yucky days without sunshine makes everyone’s mood bad. If I were you, I’d say the heck with the diet, grab some chocolate (OR if you prefer cheese)and head to the garden and watch the beans grow. You might need the umbrella though.

  6. Mama Bear

    I had a time frame like that here not too long ago. It was called winter. And then magically we had a little bit of sun, and I got to go outside in it. I danced and sang and realized once again what was missing and why I was SO crabby. It was warmth, but mostly it was sun! Is the sun out where you are? (Originally I typed “is the sin out where you are?” and maybe that would help, too. Heh) Anyway, thought I remembered you blogging about SAD, and maybe you need a sun-fix to help speed your way to less crabby.

  7. Patricia

    It’s not unicorns flying out of your butt exactly, but it never fails to entertain me and lift my spirits, at least a little bit.

  8. Kelly

    Oh big sunny hugs Mir… I know the weather can’t be helping (its dismal out here in midtown). Hopefully the sun will return soon and we can all cheer up. Maybe the kiddos will do something so wonderful you will have a great night.

  9. MomCat

    Make a to-do list comprised mostly of things you already did – cross them off. Never fails to lift my spirits.

  10. Brandy

    I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, so I’ll just send good thoughts and hugs your way.

  11. Half Assed Kitchen

    The thing that saved me on my elimination diet was rice pasta with olive oil, olives and a pinch of salt. And spoonfuls of honey. Can you have those/

  12. hollygee

    Get some almonds. Unfortunately, I think that the Paleo diet frowns on legumes, so no peanuts [or bean soup], but I think almonds, raisins, dates, dried apricots, etc. are good to go.

  13. Lisa

    I always have cheese. You are welcome to come over and have some any time.

  14. Sheila

    Mother’s Day is just a few days away– a day when you’re contractually obligated to sit around and do nothing at all, and kids are not allowed to bicker. Hang in there.

  15. Gaylin

    I have good cheese made out of sheep’s milk, easier on the lactose intolerant!
    Come to Canada, I will feed you cheese and make you flourless cookies.
    Drink lots of water!

  16. Tammy

    Um, aren’t unicorns, kind of, well, pointy?? In that case, it’s a good thing that it’s never going to happen.

    I’m not sure that I agree with the whole methodology of how eliminating things from your diet is supposed to make you feel better (do they allow bacon??) so if you’re not feeling better by tomorrow, I’d say screw the diet and get some cheesecake. Works for me. ;)

  17. The Other Leanne

    Me too, me too! I am so tired and intolerant and fun-less. I read this recently and recognized myself immediately:
    “Sleep-deprived people lack reason. They are dark shadows of gloom. They become tetchy and irritable. Everyone seems an idiot, and the world is hostile. One friend says he gets into a sort of murderous rage, and he doesn’t realize that his fury is directly caused by his lack of sleep until he finally gets some rest.” (Tom Hodgkinson, quoted by ? in Slate magazine)
    How ya sleepin’ Mir?

  18. Aimee

    It must be going around. I am a big crankypants lately, too. Extra sleep does help, if you can get some. But my thing this week, which seems to be helping a bit, is just finding ways to make things feel NEW. There are things going on that I can’t control (sickness in the family, etc) but it’s so easy to fall into a routine that becomes consumed by worry and devoid of anything fun or even different. My husband and I are trying to do something different or new every night, even if it’s just something small. Like tonight, we’re going to eat out on our little patio. We never do that, but we rearranged some stuff and put a little table out there yesterday, and so… yes, it’s small. But it’ll be different, and the weather’s beautiful. And I bet it’ll help, at least a little.

  19. barbara

    oh, me too. details are just too sucky, so “me too” will have to do.

  20. Scottsdale Girl

    The tired is what is killing me. Not sure if it’s the sudden onslaught of summer and 100 degree weather or the fact that I am old and drink a lot and don;t exercise. I’m bettin on the weather.


    And I am sorry but how does eliminating CHEESE make things better? Really? CHEESE?

  21. annette

    Is this the woman to woman diet? I was thinking about trying it out…

    BTW, you did and are doing what the little plant did, twice with your children, and every day that you post something for us all to read…it is bearing fruit:)

  22. Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck

    I say, elimination diet be damned, you need a glass of wine (or two). And a looooong nap. Good luck, chin up. I hope this passes soon.

  23. Flea

    Mmm. Cheese. Let me know when you find some. I’d like a slice, please.

  24. meghann

    We have tons of cheese, you should come down. Fancy cheeses even that cost like $20/lb. Although be warned that anyone who comes to visit right now will probably be forced to help us paint for the impending in-laws’ visit. But we pay in cheese!

  25. RuthWells

    Did you plant basil? When you’re allowed cheese and wheat again, and are overflowing with homemade pesto, I’ve got a snacky recipe for you…

  26. Pam

    I hate to rain on the little parade your brave upward-reaching bean plant has given you, but you’re going to have to decapitate that sucker. Otherwise it’ll go loopy (too). Pinch it off above a leaf node, and then more shoots will start to grow from the base, and you’ll get more flowers and more beans. It may be reaching for the stars, but you have to cut it down to size. You’re welcome.

  27. Kim

    Sorry that you are grumpy. Hope you get some rest, some sunshine, and some decent food soon. {{{hugs}}}

  28. Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

    Ooh, if I came back as a plant, I’d totally be one of those thorny looking Dr. Seuss trees that produces cotton-puff things. I have no idea what they’re called, but my neighbor has a couple and they are SO COOL. Those trees are badasses.

    And I’m pretty sure the slugs don’t eat them, so BONUS!

  29. Brigitte

    The unicorns! I was trying to sell my daughter on a movie at the library, telling her a boy adopts a pony that’s going to be a mommy. When she has the baby, it turns out to be a UNICORN. My 4-year-old just screwed up her face and asked “But wouldn’t that poke her butt?”

    Here’s hoping your unicorns don’t poke your butt.

  30. Katie in MA

    I think, perhaps, you should take a nice long nap. I know you don’t have time for it, but just do it anyway. You’ll feel better and I promise the sky won’t fall. And maybe a deep breath. And some yoga. It will be okay, pretty Mir.

  31. djlott

    When I am sleepy, I do crave more foods, especially sugar. My body is trying to get more fuel, because I am insisting that I keep working instead of what it really wants… zzzz!
    Yesterday I got a nap in the morning, and had a much better day food and cravings-wise. I think I was nicer to kids later, too!

  32. TC

    Can’t read your bajillion comments right now, so if I’m repeating, I apologize. But what I do to solve the ‘what happens when they get to the top’ question is to create a kind of string maze/canopy between the various bean poles in my garden, which gives them a horizontal plane along with to creep one they hit the top of the pole. Sometimes I’ll do it at more than one level (i.e., halfway up the pole, then again at the top).

    I love green beans.

  33. Kelly

    So I just planted some seeds with my toddler that I got off Cool Mom Picks for snap peas. And I’m realizing that crud, they grow tall? Like I need a stick for them? That never crossed my mind! I should’ve gone with the broccoli. Oh well. We’ll see if they even grow since half the time I had to convince the not quite 2 year old not to eat the seeds.

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