So, um, I was doing really well with my whole Wii Fit exercise regime right up until I got sick. And then I didn’t work out for a couple of weeks, because first I wasn’t well enough and then I just didn’t want to overtax myself while I was recovering. And then I wasn’t working out because I’d just been sick for two weeks and I was verrrrry far behind on work and needed all of my time to catch up.
And then I wasn’t working out because I was out of the habit and also I prefer being lazy and y’know, I’m pretty sure that Mercury was in retrograde and also that my magic 8 ball said ALL SIGNS POINT TO SLOTH.
(There is something wrong with my magic 8 ball, I’m aware.)
Anyway, somehow it had been… ummmm… maybe a month since I’d allowed the Wii Fit to mock me. But at least I was eating really well, in the meantime.
And by “eating really well” I of course mean “stuffing food in my mouth like there’s no tomorrow.”
You know, I hear that some people really just cannot function without their daily exercise fix, and I really admire those people even though I strongly suspect that they smoke copious amounts of crack. That’s just not how I work. At all. Pretty much when I catch sight of my cellulite in the mirror, it makes me want to go lay down and watch some trash television until I forget about it. (What?)
Anyway. I exercised yesterday.
If I could change ONE thing about Wii Fit, it would be how it makes you CHOOSE A REASON for your weight gain when it determines that you’ve gained weight. (1.8 pounds; approximately 1.75 pounds of that is cookies, in case you’re wondering.) Is it not enough that I’ve clearly fallen off the wagon? Do I have to tell you WHY? Do I have to pick a single reason, when the answer is truly ALL OF THE ABOVE, I SUCK, I DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE? Yes, Mr. Animated Smarmy Balance Board, I gained weight. Possibly because I ate too much AND didn’t exercise AND because I’m not worthy. Thanks for pointing that out. Also, I really love how you’re SCOLDING ME right after you graphed my weight and my little Mii did a victory fist-pump at discovering that my BMI is still well within the normal range for my height. Which is it? Should I go drown myself in the bathtub because I gained 1.8 pounds or are you going to shut the hell up because I’m still a perfectly healthy weight? HMMMMM?
[Digression: The last time I wrote about this, some random commenter gave me a lecture about obesity being no laughing matter. I totally agree. When you’re a size four with junk in the trunk, however, I beg to differ. Cottage cheese thighs are a tragedy no matter your dress size, people.]
I’ll tell you a secret: The real reason I’m exercising again this week is because I have an appointment with a new doctor in a few days, and when she asks if I exercise regularly I want to be able to say “of course” and to technically not be lying. I mean, she’s going to LOOK at me and know I’m full of it, but I enjoy the charade.
[Another digression: I made an appointment with the new doctor—finally, as I’ve hated my current doctor from day 1—and then called my insurance to switch to her. They insisted that the change would take a month to go into effect, which was going to be problematic as my appointment was in just a couple of weeks from the call. Then the rep told me that they do a “once in a policy lifetime” instant switch, but that I’d already exercised that option. Some back-and-forth finally revealed that yes, they had AUTOMATICALLY assigned a doctor to me and the kids when Otto added us to his policy, and that doctor didn’t actually, you know, TREAT CHILDREN, and the kids needed to be seen and their immunizations verified before they could start school, so I’d switched us all to a family doctor and apparently used up my ONE get-out-of-stupidity-free card. To rectify a mistake that THEY made. After I pointed all of that out, the rep went ahead and switched me, but made it clear that this was the VERY LAST TIME. So, um, I guess I hope I really like the new doctor.]
I have no idea where I was going with this. (Exercise! Bad for the brain!)
Where I was going was here: After a month of not exercising at all, I broke my Super Hula Hoop record and apparently found myself enough rhythm to suddenly rank as a “Calorie Torcher” in Advanced Step. But I’m still utterly incapable of keeping my Mii from crying at the end of the ski slalom, because I have no balance whatsoever.
Well, I probably had some balance, once. But then I ate it by accident.