Or, This Is What Happens When Otto Isn’t Here For Me To Yammer At.
Or, Things I Thought About While Stretched Out Right In The Middle Of Our King-Sized Bed This Morning.
Or, If It Wasn’t Really My Life You’d Think It Was Crappy Fiction.
Hey, I’d come up with something more meaningful, here, but I’m too sore. I am the venetian plaster’s bitch, y’all. The walls have triumphed, and I no longer care what they look like, I just want to be DONE. Soon. I only have to prime and paint the area under the chair rail and trowel on the topcoat on the plaster and Oh, HI! Don’t mind me! I am just going to curl up underneath my desk for a while.
Anyway. I have a few questions, today.
On the work done yesterday:
* How is it possible that doors that cost as much as cars come without handles?
* How is it possible that the contractor doesn’t notice this (or think to mention it to me) until the installation is “done” and he needs to leave?
* Do you like my new door? Sorry it doesn’t actually open, unless you want to peel back the blue tape where the HANDLE SHOULD BE and put your fingers through the hole, there, to use it.
* When the contractor said they wanted to rip up the floor today, but that they’d go ahead and “clean it up afterwards,” was that a figure of speech I just didn’t understand? Because when I walked into the (now flooring-less) dining room and got half a dozen chunks of wood debris and a NAIL wedged into my foot I was sort of thinking it wasn’t very clean in there.
On the flooring company:
* I’m not complaining, you understand, but if I got a shipping notice from a company in Massachusetts on Tuesday and then 32 boxes of maple planks show up in Georgia for me ON WEDNESDAY, does that mean the company has a proprietary wormhole their truckers use?
* Why does a trucking company able to traverse 1000+ miles in less than a day send their poor delivery guy out with a bazillion pounds of cargo and no hand truck??
* It’s normal for some of those boxes to be munged at the ends and I should NOT be hyperventilating about damaged pieces, right? They will just cut those ones and I’ll still have an entire floor? RIGHT??
* Why did the nice delivery guy spend an hour walking those boxes ONE AT A TIME into my house and then try to REFUSE the tip I gave him? Was he the last nice guy on earth or does having money in his pocket mean he can’t go back through the wormhole?
On my garden:
* Yes, I vanquished the slugs eating my banana pepper plants, but it may have been too late. I have but two actual peppers growing on one of the plants, and none growing on the other. Technically this is not a question, just a sad observation.
* My jalapenos, on the other hand, are going to TOWN. I am going to have enough jalapenos for a small country. But I just realized this morning: How do I know when they’re ripe? They’re already green, so I can’t base it on color. Anyone?
* Why are my “Early Girls” barely producing fruit, whilst my Romas have far outrun them? Didn’t I buy the EARLY Girls so that I could have tomatoes before the Romas were ready? To whom shall I complain about this lack of truth in advertising??
* Why did I plant parsley? I don’t think I even LIKE parsley. And, um, I have a LOT of parsley. Anyone have a good recipe that uses parsley?
* After a week of wondering why my mint (MIIIIIINT!!) was looking strangely squashed, I caught a neighborhood cat sleeping in it. That solves that mystery, I guess. Can I still use mint that once served as a cat’s pillow?
* My basil runneth over. What should I make with it other than pesto?
On being all alone here in the house:
* Is it a sign that I really need to get out more when leaving the bathroom door open seems like a luxury? I’m… a little worried.