I thought it was high time I gave my children’s father something new he could tuck into the “Reasons Why The Mother Of My Children Is Actually The Spawn Of Satan” file. Why, just a few months ago when we were in court he expressed his belief that the problem with the kids being here during the summer was that they would end up “watching television all of the time,” which made me laugh out loud because I’m sort of the TV Nazi. I keep a tight rein on that remote, you know, because I gots to watch Mah Shows while I’m eating Mah BonBons. Obviously.
So, no, it’s not an endless stream of unsupervised, horrible television, here. It’s QUALITY TIME. Whether they like it or not.
The few days between when school ended and the kids left on their first trip really didn’t count, because I somehow managed to blow off all of my work and spend that time with them, unfettered. But this week, I actually have work to do. And Otto is still teaching. Needless to say, this has resulted in UNPARALLELED JOY on the part of the children.
Why, let me outline a typical day for you. And by “typical day” I of course mean “yesterday,” because has it only been one day so far? OH MY GOD yes it has.
7:00 Children wake up. They read in their rooms.
7:15 I get up and marvel at the fact that the children are amusing themselves quietly.
7:16 I sit down and start working.
8:00 Children stumble downstairs and give me hugs and kisses.
8:01 I love everyone and everything.
8:02 Children commence fixing themselves some breakfast.
8:03 I break up the first squabble of the day.
8:05 Children eat their breakfast and head back upstairs to get dressed.
8:15 Children grab their New! Bikes! and go outside.
8:17 I break up the second squabble of the day. Apparently the driveway isn’t big enough for both of them.
8:20 Everyone comes back inside in tears.
8:21 Much stomping.
8:23 I lovingly suggest everyone go play outside, maybe out back! Without bikes!
8:25 More stomping.
8:26 Monkey asks if they can go swimming. I remind him that we’re waiting until the afternoon.
9:15 It occurs to me that it’s AWFULLY QUIET.
9:16 My head explodes. The kids have been playing dress-up… with the entire contents of Chickadee’s dresser! I lovingly suggest they clean up before I stroke out.
9:17 More stomping.
9:23 The kids head back outside.
9:47 The kids return. “It’s tooooo hooooot!”
9:52 “Can we go swimming now?”
9:53 More stomping.
9:54 I suggest they go practice piano for a while.
9:56 The dulcet tones of the keyboard float down the stairs and once again, I am at peace.
10:16 Hot cross buns. Over and over and over. I put on my headset.
10:22 “We’re huuuuuuuungry!”
10:24 Snacks are distributed.
10:35 Every board game we own is spread out upstairs. I decide I’ve seen nothing and go back downstairs to work.
11:03 “Now is it time to go swimming?”
11:05 I get up and chop vegetables and slice chicken and put dinner in the crockpot.
11:17 I hear the water running. Then it turns off. Then it turns on. Then it turns off. Then it turns on. Then my eyelid starts to twitch.
11:18 “I KNOW THAT NO ONE IS PLAYING WITH WATER UP THERE!”
11:19 “Yes Ma’am.”
11:22 I break up another squabble. I fantasize about year-round military school.
11:58 “Can we watch some television?”
12:00 SpongeBob Squarepants starts. I set a timer for half an hour, and try to type faster.
12:30 SpongeBob Squarepants ends.
I go snort a line of coke, because that’s what half an hour of television leads to. I push back from the computer and make us all some lunch.
12:31 I’m the greatest mother ever, because there are blueberries! Yay!
12:43 “Can we go swimming now?”
12:44 I send the children back outside so that I can finish up what I’m doing.
01:20 I break up another squabble and announce that children who can not get along don’t get to go swimming.
01:22 Everyone cries.
01:48 The children are playing nicely. I tiptoe away and cross my fingers.
02:45 It’s the longest stretch of amicable play between siblings to ever occur. And I have to interrupt it to get them to piano lessons. I punch myself in the face a few times.
04:01 We are home from piano lessons and Otto is home, too. Yay!
04:02 “Can we go swimming?”
04:03 I am finally the greatest mother in history because I say yes. Swimsuits are donned in a flash.
04:04 I break up the first squabble in the pool. I resist the urge to drown them both.
04:05 A contractor comes by to discuss flooring. We look at samples while watching the kids in the pool, from the deck.
04:25 The contractor leaves. The children have taken out every pool toy and foam noodle we own. The pool barely has room for them.
05:20 We make the kids get out of the pool and tell them to go take showers.
05:22 I break up a squabble over who will shower first.
06:10 Everyone is showered and delicious-smelling, and we sit down to dinner.
06:40 Chickadee mouths off, then Monkey follows suit.
06:41 I express my displeasure. Monkey apologizes immediately. Chickadee glares at her plate.
06:42 Dinner is over.
06:43 I get ready to leave.
06:44 Chickadee comes crying into my bathroom, “Don’t go, Mama! I’m sorry!” We have a discussion about Her Attitude. She promises to do better. I try to act like I believe she’s sincere.
06:49 I kiss everyone goodnight and tell them to be good. (Otto tells me he’s always good, and it’s true, too.)
06:51 I leave the house to
score some drugs go see a movie with a friend, leaving the children with their horrible stepfather. He, no doubt, locks them in the crawlspace after beating them senseless.
I’m hoping today will be JUST AS AWESOME.