Resetting clocks and hiding bodies

By Mir
March 10, 2008

Well, it’s been a pretty wild weekend. Otto returns later today, and I still have some cleaning to do before he does. For example, I need to clear a path to the office, so that the DSL guys can come hook me up this afternoon.

Also, I need to hide the cookies. Oh! Wait—I already ate the cookies. Well, then! One less thing to do.

Honestly, I had big plans for my weekend, what with the BEING ALL ALONE for two whole days, but in the end I remained the uneventful bore that I am. The only difference, really, was that without Otto here, I was free to watch as many stupid programs on TLC as I wanted without him making fun of me. And I do loves me some TLC trainwreck programming, it’s true.

You know, there is some damn fine TV out there. It’s EDUCATIONAL, I keep telling him. But he’s not buying it.

For example, there’s Jon and Kate Plus Eight, wherein you get to watch the world’s most anal-retentive woman deal with 8 small children. This show is a hit, I’m convinced, because nearly every mother watching it gets to think “Yay, I don’t have that many kids! This is easy!” and also “Yay, I’m a lot nicer to my husband than she is, even when I’m sort of being a bitch!”

And then, of course, there’s Say Yes To The Dress, where everyone gets to enjoy watching spoiled princesses talk about how you really just cannot possibly put a price on happiness, and that’s why it’s totally okay that they are spending $12,000 on a gown that makes them look like a stuffed sausage with lace casing. That is quality television programming right there, I’m telling you.

(Although I do still prefer my wedding dress method, because I’m never going to tire of telling Otto’s brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law that I plan to wear MY WEDDING DRESS to their wedding. When you buy a cocktail dress off the rack at Nordstrom you can do that, whereas when you go on national television having a hissy fit at Kleinfeld’s, I’m thinking probably not. See how much more versatile mine is?)

I have also become totally obsessed with Mad Men, although Otto likes that one as well and so does not make fun of me when I watch it. Instead, we just talk about how you could make a damn fine drinking game with it if you had to drink every time someone on there lights a cigarette. And I discovered I had three episodes of it on the DVR, so I parked my lazy self on the couch and watched that for a while.

But, umm, I didn’t spend the ENTIRE weekend watching TV. Nope. On Saturday night I had some friends over, and it was a totally wild party. Yes. We, um, drank some wine and ate some snacks and talked about the PTA.

And then the police came and asked us to keep it down, you know, because things were really getting out of hand. Personally, I blame the crab dip.

Yesterday I decided to go TRULY nuts and went out shopping for a little while, as I live in a perpetual state of needing new clothes because every shopping trip is like the one I had yesterday—I spend a few hours browsing and trying things on and eventually come home with nothing. It’s a special talent. And despite having watched the requisite number of What Not To Wear episodes before I went, I still feel that if I go shopping for THREE HOURS I ought to be able to find something reasonable which 1) I can afford and 2) fits me properly. Sure, I could just go buying every single pair of pants I try on where the waist gaps out six inches and get them tailored, but I have this crazy idea that SOMEWHERE, SOMEONE is making pants that fit actual human women. It’s a little fantasy of mine.

The whole thing was so stressful, I had to come home and watch some more television. And then I stayed up too late because my body is not liking the clock change, and then I got up late because no one was here to force me up any earlier. Also, I slept in the very middle of the bed! Woooo!

Yep, I totally maximized my weekend of solitude. Hooboy.


  1. Megan

    If I spent $12,000 on a dress I wouldn’t just wear it to every damn wedding I attended for the next 10 years I would wear it to the grocery store as well. Also I would have a tiara and I might make myself a sash and I would definitely greet the butcher with the beauty queen wave my sister and I practiced in the back seat of the car during long road trips.

  2. All Adither

    I wish I had that talent for shopping and not buying. I end up lugging home huge bags full of stuff because I try something (anything!) on and if it fits even remotely well, I’m like, I have to get it. It would be a crime not to get it . And then once it’s here in my closet it feels like a big mistake.

  3. Leandra

    Ooh, I love “Say Yes to the Dress.” There’s this one heinous dress that ALL THESE WOMEN keep buying that makes them look like a saloon girl about to walk down the aisle! Yikes!

    Yeah, I did the “walk around the mall thing forever and come home with nothing” thing the other day. I’ve also recently done the “order stuff online thing and still had nothing fit” thing, which is worse in some ways because I paid shipping, too. And why is it that I can wear a 10 in some things and not in others. Do designers have any idea how much simpler ALL our lives would be if they would make things a standard size??

  4. bogartg

    Talk about wild parties Saturday night…my two kids and I (daughter-3, 11-son), were hitting the karaoke pretty hard Saturday night, when I got the GREAT IDEA to hook it up to the stereo receiver instead of just the TV at about 10:45pm. I was quite impressed with the sound of our melodious (well, we thought so, anyway) voices booming over our home theater system until about 11:30, when, in between sets, we heard, “TURN IT DOWN!” quite angrily from the backyard.

    Turns out, we forgot to turn off the speakers on the back patio…

    We tried not to die of laughter AND embarassment as we promptly turned off all the lights and jumped in to bed!

    I think I’ll act like I wasn’t home or something…

  5. Nancy R

    I love Jon and Kate Plus Eight. Partly because of your note – YaY- I don’t have that many kids! But I’m also fascinated by it. There’s a couple of episodes that have been running recently – the ‘behind the scenes’ one, and the ‘viewer email answered’ one that have done a lot to feed my fascination. Yes, she seems anal retentive…but I think a person would have to be to manage that many kids at home…or go insane, which is probably the path I would have fallen down.

    I think my favorite thing ever on the show is when they answered a viewer’s joking question about whether they’d ever considered getting a dog and Jon says if they had land he’d like to get a big herding dog. BwaaHaaaHaaa! Not a bad dream with that many kids running a round, eh?

  6. Headless Mom

    We should go shopping together…I, too, can never find anything and it is such a let down after trying things on and coming out empty handed. Maybe we could go straight to the bar-then we might have something to show for three hours out of the house!

  7. Amy-Go

    Wow, Tulip, you really know how to have a good time. ;)

  8. saucygrrl

    I’m tellin ya… you’ve gotta go JCrew, sign up for their credit card, and shop the clearance rack (is it insane to pay $98 for jeans? Yes, but their jeans on sale are, often times, down to $20). Free alterations for any card member AND you don’t have to use the card at all to get the benefit. It’s the only place I can buy pants.

  9. The Mom Bomb

    I have the same free time experience. Whenever the inlaws take the kids, I think: This is it! We’ll get together with friends! We’ll take a trip into the city! I’ll finally start that Russian novel! I’ll finally paint the baseboards! Productivity! Grownup time! Fun!

    And then I spend the whole weekend reading blogs and watching Project Runway reruns.

  10. Shalee

    I had a Saturday ALL TO MYSELF! After an hour at Barnes and Noble, I found myself wondering when they would get back home. I tried to shop, but even alone, one thing remains the same: I hate shopping.

    I finally went and ordered Chinese to take home, watched a movie from the library and revelled in how much I love my family, even when I think I need a break. (I did rejoice in being able to eat my Wok Roasted Chicken without having to share. So the time was not a complete waste.)

    Enjoy your free time with Otto. We’ll get ours starting on Thursday. (I’m sure to miss the little buggers by Saturday, but we’ll find some way to pass the time!)

  11. jennielynn

    Sounds utterly delightful. If I could just get rid of my family…

    I’m with you on the whole Jon and Kate thing. I love the show and find the mom hilarious. She makes me feel so much better about myself. I only thought I was a bitch. Yay!

  12. susan

    I’m also partial to “Big Medicine” on TLC, the one where they focus on gastric bypass patients. There’s also another show called “Kids by the dozen” where they feature large families. I can’t look away. Makes me feel like I should be able to deal with my kids since I only have three.

  13. Sara

    I love my husband, but man-oh-man, do I luurve sleeping in the middle of the bed!

  14. Summer

    That’s exactly what I did when my husband left me alone in Florida with a kid with an 8pm bedtime and a TV with cable. Girly reality crap, with no man making comments in the background! I play the field, though, and watched lots of Bravo and Style Network as well as TLC. Oh, it was grand.

  15. Cele

    I am one of those women who didn’t get the mall shopping gene. Nope! I got the online shopping gene. Try Sillohuettes for jeans. Not genes.

  16. Katie

    I love guilt-free TV time. I find myself watching a lot of crap on E! too.

  17. Amy

    I’m with the J. Crew suggestion, but at the Atlanta J. Crew you don’t have to have a J. Crew card for alterations (or at least I never have). Just don’t go see the lady who does the alterations, because if you didn’t have body image issues before going you will afterwards. Hope you enjoyed the Georgia weather this weekend.

  18. Lar

    Oooh, I love “Say Yes to the Dress,” and I think the dress Leandra mentioned is the one I hate most–the one that looks like underwear on the top with a big fancy skirt? The first time I saw it I just *knew* that they had a top for it somewhere, but no–the top really is a sheer corset. Because every groom wants the world to see his blushing bride half naked.

  19. Wendy

    I am totally jealous. And I, too, spent time shopping and not finding anything for my body. I did get some new shoes, but nothing to write home about.

  20. Vane

    Overall, I say it sounds like a good weekend, hope you got lots of rest and relaxation time :)

  21. Lulu

    I think that I can recite episodes of all of the shows that you mentioned in my sleep. But only if I’m in the center of the bed.

    Say Yes to the Dress is one of my favorites. And I must say that I’ll be soooooo happy when that be-yotch Claudia gets a clue that she is not meant to sell wedding dresses. Or anything else for that matter.

  22. liz

    Hey, did you notice the Google ads that showed up? Date Lonely Housewives Near You, Bang Married White Women and Affairs Made Simple? Google clearly (mis)interpreted more out of this post than I did.

  23. Damsel

    My guilty pleasure is Judge Judy, and my husband absolutely can’t stand it. Her voice grates on his very last nerve. So… (here’s my other guilty secret) I DVR IT. *sigh* There, I said it. Out loud.

    Somehow, watching those poor schmucks makes me feel better about myself. Except that I’m the one wasting time WATCHING THEM.

  24. Sheila

    Hey, I had a King-sized bed to myself this weekend, too! Alas, I cannot sleep in the middle of it because it is a partial memory-foam mattress, and due to the dents from our two bodies in their usual locations on either side of the bed, there is an actual raised-up highish sort of area directly in the middle. (I call it the Speed Bump, as in: “Whoa there, mister, slow down!”)

    So I slept on my own side. And then, this morning, had to wake my sleeping kids, who definitely did NOT show me any love for getting them up a whole hour early. I’d say you picked the right week to ship off your kiddos.

  25. Andrea

    Ooohhh…I LOVE me some TLC. I love What Not to Wear and Jon & Kate Plus 8 too!! Sometimes I mix it up by flipping it over to HGTV or whatever channel has all the house flipping shows. Good stuff! :)

  26. StephLove

    Goodness, that Jon and Kate Plus Eight Show website almost makes me wish we had cable. I can see how it would be addictive.

  27. Karen

    I am pretty sure Kate has to be that anal because her life would fall apart with that many kids if she relaxed for a second. She does treat poor Jon like crap though.

    I am addicted to Bravo instead of TLC. And there is nothing educational about Bravo. Oh well.

  28. Janssen

    I TOTALLY sleep in the middle of the bed when I’m home alone. It’s pretty much the best part of my husband being gone.

  29. Heather

    I miss WNTW but it’s probably for the best that I don’t have that channel!

  30. Andrea

    I love Jon and Kate Plus Eight, for precisely those reasons.

  31. Lady M

    I’ve worn my (big white) wedding dress a few times, but we used to go to a lot of costume balls, so it didn’t even stand out. Granted, we’re a little strange.

  32. Denise

    Add Flip This House and Take Home Chef and you’ve listed all my favorite shows! TLC is where I get ALL my educational programming…who needs PBS? However, like you, I have to reserve the majority of my TLC viewing to those times when my hubby is away, he just doesn’t appreciate a good Kleinfeld drama or understand the nail biting suspense of watching Stacy and Clinton transform someone stuck in the eighties into a modern glamour queen…go figure.

  33. Deb

    bogartg: that was probably the funniest thing I have ever read!! That is something I would have done! Thanks for the smile!!

  34. Shannon

    If you ever find those jeans that fit actual women, please give me a call and let me know.

    We don’t have cable but I watch Jon and Kate every Monday night while I’m on break at work. And I think, no I don’t have kids, but I also do not have 8 kids, and that is a very good thing because I would go insane.

  35. dabbler

    Pretty, pretty, Mir. You are hilarious. I, too, consider TLC a guilty pleasure. Only I go for the baby shows, how many times can you cry while a complete stranger gives birth? Appartently, countless times!

  36. merlotmom

    I LOVE Mad Men! Is the male lead not a total hunk? Even styled for the ’60’s? That and Damages was on around the same time and I was glued to the tv set for weeks!

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