The tragedies of your rotten life

By Mir
January 23, 2008

Once upon a time, your life was perfect. Ideal! You lived in a nice house with an intact nuclear family. Everything was flowers and rainbows and sunshine, and no one ever yelled, and the food was always exactly what you wanted, and you never did anything wrong because everything was exactly the way you liked it.

(Well, you were both under 5, back then. I’m SURE it’s not that your memory is hazy or wholly manufactured; it was really JUST LIKE THAT. Obviously.)

Then, of course, everything went wrong. Your parents got divorced and life went to hell, because now nothing was perfect anymore and your horrible mother was constantly placing these ridiculous EXPECTATIONS on you, like that you would LISTEN TO HER and FOLLOW THE HOUSE RULES and EAT WHAT SHE COOKED.


To add insult to injury, after a few years she remarried a horrible, rotten man who knows how to fix everything you break in your carelessness, who is now your preferred chef (master griller, at your service), who takes you places and teaches you things and sometimes even keeps your mother from beating you senseless. THAT JERK. Some say that your evil stepfather even loves you, which would be a fate worse than death, I am certain.

Life just hasn’t been the same since those halcyon days you can’t even remember. And to say that you are suffering a righteous indignation over this state of events would be an understatement.

Why, you are expected to get up in the morning! And get washed up! And dressed! And to come downstairs and eat the breakfast your mother has prepared for you! You then have to take the lunch that was packed by that same monster and PUT IT IN YOUR BACKPACK! It’s a wonder you don’t lose the will to live before the clock strikes 7, I tell you.

After school you are offered fruit and cheese as a snack, when CLEARLY only cookies or donuts will do. Is she trying to KILL you? And after THAT injustice, why, you have to do HOMEWORK. You know, the other kids in your class often just don’t even DO their homework, and THEIR parents don’t even care. And then to be reprimanded for going on and on about how unfair it is, well, that’s just the icing on the craptastic cake, isn’t it?

Last night at dinner some of the food was TOUCHING, and they KNOW how you HATE that. Stew, schmew; they should know better. You were COMPLETELY justified in making those gagging noises and pretending to expire while everyone else was eating peacefully. Isn’t that what one does when being murdered? And when you were excused to go get ready for bed… well, the crocodile tears were only logical. Thank goodness, too, that you went upstairs and played with Lego instead of changing into your pajamas, then acted all wounded when discovered. That’ll show ’em!

Why can’t they understand that when you return from a weekend with The Greatest Parent Ever that you cannot possibly be expected to behave like a human? That your blood has turned to sugar and you’ve had four hours of sleep in three days? How could you be expected to actually PICK UP YOUR THINGS, under the circumstances?

And the consequences. Oh, the consequences! How you weep. It’s so sad. When the treasured items tossed to the floor like garbage are removed from your care, OH, how the wailing reverberates throughout the house! When the umpteenth chair-tipping episode results in loss of chair privileges, and you must eat your breakfast standing up, OH, how they will suffer under your wrath! When the hand idly flipping the lightswitch on and off and on and off and on and off is removed from the wall, OH, amputation couldn’t be more painful!

They clearly do not care about you in the slightest.

If only everything could go back to the way it used to be—you know, imaginary.


  1. MomCat

    Poor, little Chickadee! Her mother has clearly lost her mind. And one day she will thank you for it.

  2. Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck

    HAHAHAHAHA! Wonderfully stated…sadly, I have a 21 year-old sister who acts like this lately! :)

  3. Dina

    Oh that is just PRICELESS! I think that child lives at my house too, only the child is in that prison world CONSTANTLY since they don’t get the honor of a weekend away with the Greatest Parent Ever. This child is stuck with both parents at home all of the time. THE HORROR! Plus same child has 2 other siblings to deal with, or suffer with as the case may be.

    LOVE IT!

  4. Megan

    Years after the event my daughter confessed to me that she, at an early age, hated having her food touch and she never told us. Why? Because she knew we wouldn’t care and maybe, just maybe, she might have been lovingly and gently mocked. That was one of my proudest moments of parenting. Ever.

    Maybe I should add that she is now a bright, beautiful and exceptionally loving teen? She did survive the touching food and the mocking! She really did!

  5. Sara

    Actually, I’d like to go back to those imaginary days too. At least there wouldn’t be so much whining. It’s been awhile since my children have used their normal voices. I’ve forgotten what they sound like. Yeah, imaginary would work for me right about now…

  6. mamalang

    LOL…It doesn’t get better when they turn into teenagers. Then it’s “the other place lets me have boys spend the night, why isn’t it appropriate?” and “they let me go to the mall and roam for hours with just another teenager.” Yup, not more fun.

  7. chris

    Ah yes, I have a son who recently said that he wishes he were an only child because he was SOOOO happy back then when no one messed with his stuff. I had to tell him, Man it sucks that the first 15 months of your life were the happiest since you CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER THEM!

  8. Melanie Marie

    bacon flavored vodka??? wow… I love coming here for the comments as much ast the posts! :)

  9. Jennifer

    Did you move into my house while I wasn’t looking? Why, just this morning my darling boy was made to sit on the floor because he could not resist the supreme temptation of poking holes in the couch with a pencil. I was then declared the most hideous of beings not worthy to exist in his presence. Sadly, he too has no escape. Dad will be home at 6 and he has a nightstick (yes, he’s a cop. If we had time or energy to be that kinky, I’d try to keep it to myself) !!! Mwa-HAHAHAHAHA. . . .

  10. BethR

    On Sunday, we were trying to get ready to go to a party that my five-year-old son had been looking forward to attending. I asked him to go find and put on his shoes. A goodly number of minutes later I found him wandering around in the hall playing randomly with various objects, and I asked him how the shoe-finding was coming along. His response was, “You treat me like a SLAVE.” This apparently is what my son got out of a week’s worth of Martin Luther King Jr. Day education at kindergarten; there were people called slaves, and other people unjustly asked them to do tasks, and that it was very, very wrong. Hey, just like when Mom asks me to find my own shoes so that I can go to a party! Let my people go!

  11. All Adither

    You are truly a horrible mother.

  12. Tammy

    You’re definitley the Meanest Mom Ever. Good for you!! ;)

  13. Julie Stiles Mills

    Teenagers. They know not what they do. I a recent discussion regarding teenage boys, a friend of mine said, “I love teenage boys! Someone has to.”

    It takes all the energy I’ve got to say, “I know you’re not mad at me, so I’m going to give you grace. If you can, please give me grace too.” When I really wanna smack ’em.

    Not to say that when my kids tell me I’m mean, my response can just as easily be: “Yet oddly, I’m ok with that.”

  14. divorce sucks

    Nothing sucks worse than having divorced parents. Have a little freaking compassion. No kid would choose this. You chose this. Don’t blame your kid for missing her dad.

  15. Mir

    I\’m editing my comment here, actually, to say this, instead:

    \”Divorce sucks,\” there are MANY things that suck worse than having divorced parents. And despite your attitude, I hope you never experience them.

  16. dcfullest

    Yes, divorce sucks for everyone involved.

    BUT, living with unhappy parents is far worse. In some ways, my parents divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. I moved to a much better city, with great schools and now have two great step-parents.

  17. dad

    The child that lived in that house once lived in my house.


  18. Laura

    soooo….good night?

    When my 8 year old daughter has a night like that I always remind her that great artists are practically *required* to have tragic childhoods, and that she can thank me in her Oscar acceptance speech. If the strike is over by then, that is.

  19. Karate Mom

    Wow, obviously “divorcesucks” doesn’t read here much, eh? Lovely little troll-y lurker, jumping from the woodwork to spread some poison around! Nice.

    I loved this post because it sounds so much like the angst I endured yesterday when I actually dared to try to teach some MATH to my (homeschooled) second grader. OH, the HUMANITY!!!! The weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth! It was so much fun. Really. Made me want to poke my eyeballs out.

  20. Bob

    OH THE HUMANITIES! Tell him since his life is over, you’ll get him a coffin and he can lay down in it to save you the trouble of having to pick up his dead carcass as he is DYING. Ask him his favorite flower so you’ll know what to put on his grave and what should be written on his tombstone.

    Or you can just give him a good swat on his keester and tell him to get his act together.

  21. Bob

    I hate it when I leave a comment without having read the others. now I feel like a copycat.

  22. Ei

    Thanks Mir. I totally needed this today.

  23. Susan

    It must be catching. This morning my #3 threw an ungodly screaming fit because the butter had melted on his malt-o-meal. How dare it!!!

  24. Lisa- domestic accident

    Interesting. My kid’s parents are not divorced, and yet he suffers in a similar way.

    What was that about bacon flavored vodka?

  25. Therese

    I actually got told by older teen brother when younger teen brother whined about not getting to stay overnight at friend’s house, “Hey, Mom, Hitler called and told you to take a chill pill.” Luckily for them, they are both still alive to laugh about it!

  26. Jamie AZ

    So true, so true. We actually had a good morning at my house, which is rare. I didn’t even have to raise my voice at all. They must have been taken over by aliens…

    I’ve heard from other friends whose children split time between parents that the kids are always a little “off” when they get home from spending time with the other parent. One friend said it takes two days to get her son back into shape after he’s been with his father. You’re not alone.

  27. Jenny

    Yeah, that kid lived in my parents’ house, too. Kids are such little punks sometimes.

    I’m off to make bacon vodka. The only thing better than that might be bacon vodka with chocolate. Hmmm. Chocolate-bacon martini, here I come.

  28. Lynda Hitt

    I love your blog. I too have a child that thinks that his parents are the meanest of all (although I escape some of the censure because I am nicer than my husband, but still mean) and he thinks it is horrible that we make him do his school work and don’t let him sit in front of the computer all day playing games and/or watching movies. How Dare WE!!!

  29. Zuska

    Ha! Like Lisa, I’m here to tell you that even in a home that hasn’t been hit by divorce, my kids still do this!!!

    Lately the question: “What’s for snack?” is followed with: “and please don’t make me eat fruit, vegetables, yogurt, cheese or any other healthy stuff? Please?”

    I hear ya’!!

  30. gorillabuns

    i have to say, i have a problem with my food touching.

  31. Lou


    Divorce sucks for EVERYONE. Mir has been there on the child-side herself. Did it occur to you that her VENTING on HER blog is rather harmless?

  32. Cele

    I found the solution to lightswitch flipping was eating in the corner. Boring.

  33. saucygrrl

    There were days when I was younger that I was beside myself because of my parents’ divorce. Once I got a little older (and consequently a little bit more of a trouble maker) I counted that divorce as a blessing. The things I did that my mom never told my dad… pshaw, probably one of the reasons I’m still alive to this day.

    Therapy would be so BORING if they didn’t have something to talk about. You know? ;)

  34. Libby

    Oh please, divorcesucks, don’t come here talking about compassion. The best thing my parents did for me was get divorced when I was very young. That was the most compassionate (also responsible and mature) thing they could have done. I thank them all the time for it. As a result I had a much happier childhood/teenagehood (I am sure that is not a word) and two wonderful parents that are the best of friends. Also? a set of awesome step parents. So don’t try to speak for all the children of divorce.

    And you know what else? I’ve been happily married for almost 11 years and our 5 year old daughter acts this way as well. She calls me mean on a regular basis because I expect her to do her homework, pick up her room and brush her teeth. So there goes your argument.

    Mir, you are awesome. And trust me, Chickie and Monkey will thank you one day. You’ll see.

  35. Burgh Baby's Mom

    What do you mean some kids actually sit down when they eat? Interesting.

  36. jennielynn

    Dear lord, Mir, you make me laugh. We had the same struggles with Drama Queen for years. Even now, she gets a little melancholy after returning from Dad’s house. I’d love to zing divorcesucks but it sounds like they have enough grief in their life.

  37. elizabeth

    is the full moon today – kids were crazy this morning.

    I remember the decompression that happened when my older boy would get back from dad’s. luckily he grew out of it to some extent. the little one doesn’t have the luxury of getting away, his dad lives here. and we are just too mean.

    saucygrrl: I always say I’m not saving for their college, I’m saving for their therapy!

  38. peanut

    You are HILARIOUS, pretty Mir.

  39. Heather

    My favourite line to use on the kids at the daycare where I now work is, “Life’s rough.” You’re so funny, Mir! :-) (I am sure the children will manage to survive with a minimum of therapy :P )

  40. pam

    Dear Divorce Sucks,

    You are ….. never mind. I”m not going to compound your stupidity with my wrath. But thank you pretty Mir for your genteel response.

  41. Flea

    How did you get into my house?!? And what are you doing posting about MY KIDS? Shame on you, coming in when I’m not here. :)

    Yes, divorce sucks. And we go through the same scenario here with an intact, original-to-children mom and dad. My parents divorced when my brother and I were 4 and 3 and it was probably one of the most difficult, traumatic, but also best things my mom, brother and I went through. I’m glad to be alive (thank you, bio-dad), but glad to have had a dad who loved and cared for me the way he did.

  42. BOSSY

    There you go talking about Bossy again.

  43. Sheila

    Mir, your dad gave you a bit of a smackdown there, didn’t he? Don’t you hate it when your parents are right about stuff?

  44. Nancy R

    Oh heavens how I hate the question, “What’s for snack?” after school. It’s like they expect some lavish buffet of frosted goodness. My oldest has taken to rejecting popcorn with a, “No thanks. I’ll just have a piece of gum.” Which tells me they’re NOT EVEN HUNGRY!

    Not long ago I railed for a good while about how I HATE the after school snack, I wish there was no such THING as the after school snack, because the after school snack MAKES ME CRAZY. They were stunned. BAH!

    Down with the after school snack!

  45. Debbie

    I have it on good authority (my boys) that M-O-M stands for M.ean O.le A title I hold proudly. Hang in there.

  46. crockpot lady

    I think margaritas are in order.

  47. carson

    My daughter came out with “I’m not your servant, Mooooom!” today. What foul business was I making her do?

    She asked for a cup of milk. I told her to get the milk out of the fridge and the cup.

    Beastly mumsy. Simply beastly.

  48. Stacey

    I think someone needs to tell “divorce sucks” to grow up. Just a hunch they could use the advice to take responsibility for the choices they’ve made in their life and quit blaming their parents for everything too. Just sayin. Sadly, my children don’t even have the happy childhood under 5 to reflect back on, as I don’t seem to have the capacity to make food that doesn’t touch and the food is certainly not always what they want! However, I have managed to escape being called mean thus far…at least to my face. Thanks, you brighten my days.

  49. Amy-Go

    Someday, your children will have children. And then they will apologize to you. Profusely.

    I cling to this thought. When I’m not drinking up all the bacon-flavored vodka, that is.

  50. kate setzer kamphausen

    Pretty Mir, I adore you and your tolerant ways!! Go you with the patience!

    I did want to ask, though – and if this is inappropriate, PLEASE forgive me, as it isn’t meant as criticism but really as informational query – why it is that you don’t spank? I always got spanked as a child – not for mistakes but for temper, bad attitude, and various similar failings to govern myself. Isn’t a swat on the keester (as Bob says) a useful thing from time to time?

    (N.B.: I don’t have kids yet. I’m trying to learn a little something ahead of time!)

    Thanks for letting me ask…..

  51. Vane

    My princess used to act like that after coming back from spending the day with her dad … luckily, we are well pass that, however, there’s still plenty of reasons for her to call me mean and unfair, including making her take a shower last night after 2 hours of cheerleading practice … go figure …

  52. Wendy

    The horror of life as a child.

    FYI: This happens with parents who are together as well. I am chopped liver compared to my hubsand who gets to go to work and only sees the kids when their lovely quiet heads hit the pillow. I am the horrible beast that demands they clean themselves, eat their food and stop bitching already. We all have it rough, just in different ways.

  53. Kay T

    You know, I never had snacks after school. !!! Can you believe!? When we moved to a new neighborhood my best friend had things like entire cans of tuna made into a tuna sandwich after school!!! I was stunned (at our house usually a can of tuna fed four). So, I am scarred. And I am sure I let my mom know about it.

  54. Amy S.

    My 8-year-old has the same horrible, rotten life except without the divorce stuff, but with FORCED piano practicing and NO POODLE SKIRT TO WEAR ONCE A YEAR FOR FIFTIES DAY AT SCHOOL.


  55. carolyn

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE days like that…not. But they happen, and you inspire me with your self-control and your good attitude and your consistancy.

  56. Flea

    You hear that, Mir? You have self-control, a good attitude and consistency. I knew it wasn’t just me who saw it. ;)

  57. Lady M

    Life is just so, so, tough these days. Sometimes we make Q EAT DINNER when it is so clearly time to play air guitar instead.

  58. Tracey

    There are plenty of children of non-divorced parents who could do with the firm, loving and consistent parenting you give your kids. I think all of us recognise days like that – and I’m sure there are a few others like me who are thankful that our protesting children don’t have the divorce excuse to try on as well!

    “Divorce sucks” should get a reality check. I can’t help but give an example because it has been reality check day for me. My daughter’s friend’s mother is not only divorced, but incapacitated by a muscle wasting disease (we were visiting her today) and permanently in hospital. This 12 year old is raised by her grandmother (and grandmother’s third partner), who is also helping out before and after school, and holidays, with her son’s TWO SETS OF TWINS (girls aged 10, and boys aged 5), because their mother was some sort of flaky, and inconsistent and I think drug addicted person, who could never decide whether she wanted to have the kids or couldn’t. Despite the madness of her life, which includes trying to get into the hospital (half an hour away) as much as possible to be with her mum, this girl thinks she is LUCKY because she knows that her mother and grandmother love her, AND it is very obvious that she has been raised with a loving yet firm discipline, even if Nan is pretty stressed a lot of the time.

    Which reminds me… all the kids I actually LIKE have firm and consistent parenting, no matter what is happening with their marital state of their parents. And the little sh***s? They are the ones who even if they have two apparently happily married original parents, have both parents letting them get away with way too much, and using “excuses”.

    Stay firm and true, Mir. And post away when it drives you nuts because it resonates with all of us!
    (Sorry.. I don’t often comment, but when i do I get carried away!!)

  59. MaryP

    Oh, poor Mir. Wonderful post, horrible day. You have all my virtual support and hugs. Would Chickie like to come to Ottawa for a sleepover, maybe?

  60. Heidi

    AMEN TO THAT SISTER! I was laughing the whole time reading this. I plan to read it outloud to my husband and stepson too. I was just reading the other day about mean mothers and I ran across this wonderful poem about them. So forgive me for posting a link, but you have to read it.
    PS Found you site from Jill

  61. carrien


    I’m so relieved to know it’s not only my kids who do that. and that I’m not the only one who bites back the sarcastic commentary that immediately springs to mind.

    The GH likes to tell them, “Yeah, this is the best it’s ever gonna get for you. It’s all downhill from here. Just wait until you have to make your own food, and pay your own bills, and take care of your own kids, hahahahahaha!”

    You are a truly wonderful blogger.

  62. barb

    Mir – my 6 yr old, when really frustrated with me, will say through gritted teeth “Oh! You are just the….” and I quickly say “best damn mom YOU are ever gonna have!”

    Hang in there, Chickie will appreciate you some day. Like when she’s 33 and has 2 boys of her own. Oh, wait! That’s me and my appreciation of MY mom, sorry!

  63. kathy

    I can’t speak for Mir, but I don’t spank any of my four because it only teaches that violence is right and that if you are bigger than someone you get to hit them. I want my kids to do the right thing because they recognize it is right from within themselves. While I was hit and I turned out “ok” it also took me many many years to undo the “lessons” I learned from being hit and it was a very long and costly lesson plan. I also want a better relationship with my kids than I have with my parents. I love them, but there is a distance.

    Basically, I can’t see any good that can come from hitting a child other than immediately getting their attention and possibly stopping them from doing something out of fear of retribution. (I say possibly as a child who is really intent on doing whatever you’re hitting them for will find a way) And that isn’t good enough for me.

  64. Chris

    Divorce Sucks–

    Grow the hell up and quit whining. If you’re a kid posting, well, same advice. Honestly.

  65. CathyC

    Knock on wood I know nothing about divorce, but I do know about that attitude. That was me until my sisters took over the role, and I’ve spied that same woe-is-me in my niece, too. Kids! Thank goodness for a good sense of humor like you have. I’m sure it will help you survive.
    Have a better day! :)

  66. Belinda

    I am totally in favor of going back to imaginary-land. I have my own, thank you, and none of these ingrates I live with is invited.

Things I Might Once Have Said


Quick Retail Therapy

Pin It on Pinterest