Call me if you need a microwave

We have entered the final week, and that means that by the end of this weekend, 95% of everything I own must be packed, given away, or trashed.

I sort of hate packing, so I’m mostly getting rid of stuff. Do you need anything? Air conditioner? Dining room set? Some toddler-sized clothing that I still have for reasons unclear even to me? How about some maternity clothes? (Why yes, I was last pregnant over seven years ago. What’s your point?)

Chris definitely started me on the right track and now if you stop by my house you will certainly leave with a carful of stuff. So. Come on over.

I went ahead and listed some of the big stuff on CraigsList, and there’s more to go, yet. The very first thing I listed got me one of those ridiculous scammer emails within an hour. I feel so special. Why YES, Mr. Bussy, I would be DELIGHTED to accept your cashier’s check for $3000 more than my asking price, and then just wire you the overage while you arrange for a shipper. That’s no trouble at all, because I was on my way to the post office to pick up that bridge I bought last week, anyway.

The Actual Real Life Person who came to check out some of my furniture was over two hours late, gushed about how much she loved it, and then never called me again. So, you know, so far I am really enjoying this entire process. I am thinking of listing my kidneys, next.

In the meantime, it’s not as though I’m experiencing any other stress in my life, so I’m free to focus all of my attention on this. HAHAHAHAHA.

Oh, I never told you about the inspection on the new house. That went really well. It’s absolutely perfect! Except for the roof. And the air conditioning. And the water. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, it’s splendid. And really, who needs those other things?

So that was a lot of fun. We knew, heading into the inspection, that the sellers were already selling us the house for less than they owed on it. (To which I sort of want to ask, PEOPLE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? But who knows what their situation is, so I’ll try to keep my Judgy McJudgerson comments about financial responsibility to myself.) So after the inspection when we had a list of several major and a dozen minor issues, we had our realtor go back to the sellers and say, “Hi, yes, it’s all fine, but we sort of assumed when we entered this contract that the house would be coming with a roof, so perhaps you could pay for that, okay, smooches!”

And the sellers did just exactly what we thought they would, which was to send their realtor back to say, “Hahaha, you’re set to close in three weeks, you know and I know that you are not going to walk away from this deal, besides which, my clients are already completely broke. So here’s some change they found underneath the couch cushions as a show of good faith, and really, we think our contribution of $2.81 towards the new roof is generous, so suck it. Smooches!”

And our response, of course, was to say, “Thanks so much. Please, sir, may I have another?”

That part was actually not so bad, because we knew it was going to happen.

The part that sort of WAS bad was that there was a “miscommunication” in our mortgage paperwork—which has since been straightened out, obviously, or I wouldn’t be so jovial—wherein we had said “we are not interested in buying any points” and the mortgage agent heard “howzabout you try to charge us for a few points and hope we don’t notice and then claim you thought we really wanted them?”

It really is quite funny, now, because we caught it, and because no matter how old I get it never ceases to amaze me how sleazy most people who work on commission can be. The whole “oh it was an accident” thing is so ridiculous I can’t NOT laugh. It’s also funny because Otto did most of the dealings with the mortgage company (being as how he’s down there and I’m up here) and was so patient with me, every time he called, as I became more and more indignant.

“YOU TELL HIM THAT I USED TO SELL MORTGAGES!” I demanded. (I really did. For a brief period of time, during my divorce, out of desperation. And my soul started to atrophy and I stopped.) “TELL HIM THAT I’M ON TO HIM! TELL HIM THAT I WILL WRITE ABOUT HIS COMPANY ON MY BLOG!” (Otto wisely pointed out that threatening him probably wouldn’t bring our rate down any. He’s so logical. And cute!)

Now the mortgage is ironed out and we’re getting roofing quotes and everything is still on track for me to throw myself into the pool, fully clothed, shortly after we close. I also plan to make Otto carry me over the threshold. I hope he’s building up his biceps, because I am going to be heavy with all those wet clothes on.

Anyway. That is all the news here, except for that other thing I’m trying not to think about (but thank you for the comments, and especially the emails, which were a great comfort), and the fact that I went to the dentist this morning for a cleaning. I thought I was SO SMART, scheduling a cleaning a week before I leave, giving myself a leisurely six months to find a new dentist in Georgia. Clever!

I didn’t feel so clever when the hygienist was poking away and said, “Hmmm, little stick here, feel that? I think you have a cavity.”

“NO I DON’T! I FEEL NOTHING! IT’S FINE!” Oddly enough, she was not swayed by my persuasive argument. So now I have to go have my stupid cavity filled on Monday because I have absolutely nothing else to do.

I think I’ll bring the dentist my toaster when I go.


  1. Nichole

    I do need toddler clothes! And maternity clothes! But I think it would take about 15 hours to drive to your house.

  2. ScottsdaleGirl

    Um because you have all this free time and what not *snirk* perhaps a bigass garage sale? No? ok then.

  3. Crisanne

    Ok, I’m guessing the pool is in the back yard (though I have seen one in the front one time…I digress) Have Otto carry you across the threshold first, then go jump in the pool. Much lighter that way. Any less messy in the house!.

  4. MomCat

    I plan to have a bonfire when we move, utilizing the earlier guidelines, which roughly stated that if I didn’t marry it, give birth to it or adopt it, it burns. Helpful advice, that. I’ll save a fortune on boxes and moving companies, which we can use for a new roof.

  5. ChristieNY

    I need a dining set! But, uh, I’m in NY. Rats.

    Sounds like everything is moving along swimmingly in this Year of Living Changerously!

    I wonder what next year’s category will be, Happily Ever After, Under a New Roof (literally)? ;)

  6. julie

    As someone that just tonight accepted a contract that is leaving us a God-awful amount of money short on clearing our mortgages, I can only say, situations drive people to desperate measures. Housing markets fall, jobs require moves earlier than expected, and sometimes you just get screwed. Call me screwed.

    Good luck finishing the move.

  7. Eve

    I know nothing about about mortgages, and it’s a good thing my realtor is like a second Grandma because we would have been TAKEN. I can’t believe you had to sell mortgages?
    This is your true calling. Good luck with everything!

  8. becky

    um, yeah, i could use maternity clothes. but i don’t think i’ll be able to drive over from cali & pick them up.

    and the roof thing? aaargh! can’t wait to start looking for houses. wheee!

  9. Cele

    Oh that is a new thought, toaster to the dentist, microwave to the trash guy, outdated modem to comcast your load will be lightened in no time.

  10. carrien

    I got 4 fillings done the day before I last moved. It was hell, and people helped me pack random bits of garbage while I was gone to the dentist, twice in one day.

    The good thing about a blog friend moving is that we’ll still see you everyday so to speak. None of these promises that you’ll call or write and visit and then we never hear from you again

  11. Judy.

    Yay… Mir’s almost on her way to God’s country ;-) I vote with Crisanne… threshold then pool… hmmmm.. maybe he could carry you right through the house and dump you in the pool. That would work….

  12. Sara

    I’m still laughing. Why? Because when I read your response to the hygienist, I misread it as “NO! I DON’T FEEL NOTHING!” and I heard this line as read by Sargeant Schultz from Hogan’s Heroes.Then I thought, “Poor Mir. She’s losing it. I’ve never seen her use a double negative before.” Then I read it again. And now I’m thinking that a sip of something caffeinated might be a good thing.
    Yeah, the dentists totally deserves the toaster. And I hope it’s slots are too small to hold bagels.

  13. Brigitte

    “Thanks so much. Please, sir, may I have another?”
    Ha ha ha! (in a sorta bitter way, it’s sad how often that has to be done in dealing with others).

    We could use soooo much stuff, but I don’t think I could get hubby on board for the road trip in the pick-up, even though it’s a mere 3 hours or so.

    Foisting free “parting gifts” on everyone IS a good idea!

  14. Rachel May

    Now you’ll be even prettier without that cavity. How will Otto ever stand it?!?!?

  15. jenn

    smooches, heh heh. For some reason that strikes me as hilarious. I’ll be saying at random points of the day, then laughing like a loon, while people cross the street to avoid me and people usher their small and elderly to protection. Thanks, Mir.

  16. Randi

    I’m in VT – if you’ve got a portable air condition I’m in :)

  17. The Other Leanne

    Remember: “here in Futureworld…nothing can go wrong…gowrong..gowronnnnnnnnnng…”
    A gold star to you for catching the mortgage “error”!
    When I bought my house, the sellers wanted ME to pay for half of the new roof. I said, looky here, I’ve offered you the full asking price and there is *no further negotiation*. Besides, you end up putting money into all the other things that weren’t covered in the house inspection…like getting rid of ugly wallpaper and ratty carpet and water heaters that don’t.

  18. Shnoodle

    Two years ago I left the job I had been in for 6 years, sold all my wordly goods, and moved from Germany to Washington State to get married. And while emptying the contents of my first apartment seemed like a serious loss of liberty (not to mention a pain in the tuchus) at the time, it just seems inconsequential in retrospect.

    It’s obnoxious to try and minimize your current difficulties with the “try and get some perspective” approach, so I’ll just say that it’s hard to remember the difficulties with all this HAPPINESS crowding around in my head now! Good luck, Mir!

  19. tammy

    Toddlers wear clothes?!?!


  20. She-Ra

    try (to find local group) for anything you’d like to have disappear for free.

  21. JoyLynn

    Microwave? No. Toddler clothes? Would LOVE [cause my boy LOVES Monkeys and yours is a Monkey, seems like fate to me].

    It will all work out in the long run, I know, but the road to happiness is sometimes a bitch to drive.

  22. Lady M

    Do you have any suitcases like Mary Poppins had, where the insides were much larger than the outsides? We just went on our first house tour. Seven houses, and Q was actually quite well behaved. We’re just starting the process and it seems quite overwhelming. Good luck with the rest of the packing!

  23. Pam

    Not knowing specifically what part of Georgia you are moving to, I can recommend an excellent dentist on the north side of Atlanta- “They cater to cowards”. And also a pediatric practice that caters to paranoid mothers.

  24. Susan

    I just want to know when the casino will be opening.

  25. Krisco

    Ha! You’re so funny. I’m thinking that would be hilarious if you showed up with a toaster at the dentist’s. “Hi, I’m moving. Here’s some of my stuff. Thanks!”

  26. Pocket Cathy

    No matter what the roof is like, you can still drown your woes at the Mellow Mushroom, for which I am extraordinarily jealous.

  27. Amy


    I guess I’ve not actually been paying attention or missed a post, but congrats on the move to Georgia. I live in Atl and one of my co-workers and I read your blog everyday. Glad to hear you’re on your way south.

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