I’m not sure how to write about this, and I’ll tell you right now that I have no idea how it ends.
This is about a dear friend of mine, someone who has seen me at my best and seen me at my worst. Someone who has been a part of my life for years and watched my kids and held my hand through my divorce and offered to kick Otto’s ass when he broke my heart years ago and was amongst the first to celebrate when we got back together.
This is about someone who is going to be very angry at me for a long time, most likely.
The background, the history… it really doesn’t matter. I have had concerns for a long time. I have been let down by her for a long time. I even stopped speaking to her for a while, when I just couldn’t take the disappointment and worry anymore. When she (finally) came back to me to apologize, I asked her point-blank if things had changed. She said they had, and I believed her.
She was lying to me. Hell, she was probably lying to herself. It took less than two weeks for the old patterns to reemerge.
I’ve been busy. Busy with work, busy with packing, busy getting ready to leave. Maybe I should’ve done something earlier, maybe I was too busy to really realize. Maybe I just didn’t want to see.
I’ve been trying to reach her. I’ve been leaving messages (unanswered), I’ve occasionally managed to reach her and make plans (all of which she’s broken, usually by just not showing up). She’s not there. Even when she’s there, she’s not there. But she says she’s just busy. She’s so busy that she has no time to see me. Or talk to me on the phone. Even though I’m leaving in less than two weeks.
I finally did what I should done a month ago (or maybe a year ago, I don’t know). I called her husband.
She doesn’t know yet. I assume she will find out. I further assume she will feel horribly betrayed, and that she will hate me for a while.
I have to assume that I did the right thing. That she will get the help she needs. That I will not have to live with the guilt of something happening and me never having tried to stop it. That she will get through this.
That she will someday realize that I did it because I love her.
But most of all, I need to believe she will get better. Even if she never speaks to me again.
I could deal with that—with losing her forever—if it meant she came back from the place she’s trapped in right now.
This Love Thursday, I wish you enough faith to get through the love that doesn’t feel like it.