And now, the minutiae

I may have sort of kind of forgotten what a colossal pain in the ass it is to move. Perhaps I blocked it out, much like labor. (“See, I have a beautiful child here! I know nothing of this searing pain and ruined anatomy of which you speak!”) Like that.

The phone has become my constant companion. I need to talk to lots of people. They are not interested in my pool or my gazebo, but they would very much like to make sure that their bills follow me wherever I may go, so we’re spending a lot of time making sure that that can happen.

Also Otto and I need to talk approximately twenty times a day to go over important matters such as WHOSE SILVERWARE SHALL REIGN SUPREME (mine) and SHOULD WE GET NEW DINING ROOM FURNITURE RATHER THAN MOVE MINE (yes) and WHAT COLOR IS THE PAINT IN THERE (beige). Already our marriage is all about timeless romance.

I also spent some time talking to folks about the whole School Situation (capital letters… that’s like going into orange alert) now that I can proudly proclaim that we have an address in the correct district now, so can we talk about how we really really really really want this other school that the children weren’t assigned to? And how it would be ever so much better in particular for Monkey, who has a 504 Plan, which is supposed to mean they have to accommodate him because he is Special and Preshus?

Part of what I found out is that Monkey is second on the waiting list for the school we want. You’d think that would be good, but there’s rarely any movement OUT of that school. Also, it’s unclear if—should we successfully state the case for Monkey to be moved—that then gets Chickadee a free pass for placement as well. (The policy is that siblings stay together unless you ask for them to be separated, but no one seems to know what that means in cases of exceptions.) I’m sure I could think of a few things I’d rather do than have my kids in two separate elementary schools… like… ummmm… well… I’m sure there’s SOMETHING… but in general I’d have to say I’d rather they stay together.

I mean, really, who is Chickadee gonna beat up on the bus if Monkey isn’t there with her?

Also today I called up LL Bean to ask some questions about their rolling bookpacks. (Don’t be jealous of my exciting life.) You see, the handle was recently redesigned and we have the old design and the handles are SATANIC. They are impossible to put down. Chickadee has given up on rolling hers and only wears it on her back, rather than wrestling with the handle. Monkey rolls his but leaves the handle up, which is rather inconvenient in the car or when I’m tripping over it in the mudroom. So I called to see if the new handles work better.

Of course, Bean is awesome, and the CSR answered my questions and listened to my plight and then happily reminded me that under their unconditional guarantee, I can exchange the defective packs at no charge. So we’re getting new ones! With handles that hopefully function!

And as that was pretty much the highlight of my day, I may have told the nice lady on the phone that I wanted to have her babies. Then I rushed to clarify that I was just kidding, you know, because I don’t have a uterus anymore. And then I wrapped it all up with a suave, “Okay, so, I’m going to stop talking now, but THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP!”

After a long discussion with my realtor I’ve decided to burn this house to the ground. HAHAHAHAHA. I’m just kidding. Because obviously if I was going to do that, I wouldn’t write about it on my blog. Writing it means I am just fantasizing about it. In reality, I’ve decided to assume this house will never sell, and instead focus all of my attention on being as annoying as possible to Otto about getting HIS house sold. I think that’s practical.

In other news, my cordless mouse seems to be going supernova; it ate through a few sets of batteries before I figured out it was behaving strangely, and now it doesn’t work at all. I had to steal the (corded) mouse from the kids’ computer and they’re quite annoyed with me. I ordered a replacement and then realized it might’ve made more sense to, I don’t know, go to a STORE and BRING ONE HOME. But that would’ve involved leaving the house and the fifth round of “I don’t know, what sort of patio furniture do YOU like?”


  1. Otto

    (She thinks she’s keeping her silverware. I think it may be lost by the movers. Mine’s way cooler.)

  2. Mir

    I think your silverware is awesome, honey. The kids can’t wait to use it as dive toys in the pool. Love you!

  3. Contrary

    After carefully reading every word of this post, I have one thing to say.

    How can someone’s silverware be cooler than somebody else’s silverware? Is it, like, Nascar silverware? Maybe Studio 54 silverware? Ooh! Star Trek silverware?

    I think the internet needs to vote on the silverware issue.

  4. Melissa

    I agree, post some silverware photos here, folks.

    Also? I’m betting you don’t want to know who Chickadee would beat up if Monkey wasn’t on the bus.

  5. Marvo

    I know a guy who can “burn your house down.”

    To the insurance people, when I say “burn your house down,” I don’t mean it literally. It’s just an inside joke Mir and I have.

    Seriously, I got a guy.

  6. becky

    we’ll probably move halfway across country sometime in the next year or so. in anticipation, i’m feeling your pain.

    ow, i think somebody just poked me with the darn silverware!

    btw, my parents have two sets of everyday silverware. the ones my mom liked (and we kids used) and the ones dad liked. he was the only one that used his silverware (unless the other was all dirty, which was pretty rare in my mother’s house). and they’ve been married 42 years. i think there’s hope for you two.

  7. Amanda

    Welcome to my world, Mir. Moving is SO MUCH FUN!

    Trust me, though, it is MUCH MUCH better when you’re newlyweds than it is after ten years of marriage. Consider yourself lucky!

  8. I0naFiona

    Silverware .. a big issue when I fused homes with my new DH too. My stuff was labelled “legacy” silverware and was not to touch his lips. Although it now sneaks out when we have a BBQ.

  9. Cele

    I learned a very long time ago, having two sets of silver ware is much better than having just one. wait, you’ll see.

  10. carrien

    My man is picky about the silverware too. Something about the weight of it? Anyway, so glad you have a house, and a pool and casino.

  11. LadyBug Crossing

    Hope Monkey gets the school he needs… and that Chickadee gets to slide right on in there with him…

  12. Kimberly

    Ack, the silverware question!

    Your romance had almost lured me out of my willful spinsterhood, but now that you’ve gone and reminded me that I would possibly have to consider someone else’s design aesthetic, the fantasy is over.

    phew. close call that!

  13. Brigitte

    Silverware? All we have is a mish-mash of eating utensils from several sets of low-budget department store utensil sets, cheap and nothing matches. After the internet vote, you can send the losing set my way! :-)

  14. Judy.

    Yes… you have to post pictures of both online. After all, we got to vote for the blog category (sort of). Good idea on buying new furniture, btw… saves on moving costs. And, you get to have something new for your new house! I love saying that…. “new house”…. :-)

  15. BOSSY

    Bossy leaves you with these two pieces of sage advice she can never seem to follow:

    1. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
    2. It’s all small stuff.

  16. Jenny

    Since my husband and I each had well-established households of our own before we … merged, so to speak, we also have two sets of silverware and the blended design aesthetic *really* doesn’t work. But, he prefers and uses one kind (which is, surprisingly, the lighter and frillier of the two) and I prefer and use the other, and I guess our silverware drawer is just destined to remain super-heavy. I’ve always thought that was pretty strange of us, but it’s nice to see that apparently we aren’t alone. Keep ’em both!

  17. Sara

    Okay, I’m ringing in on the silverware issue (seiously, are we really all commenting on the silverware? seriously?). I say keep ’em both. You can never have too many spoons. Thus sayeth me.

  18. JamieLee

    Ok – I’m not sure which was more entertaining…your post, or the comments.
    So, it’s a cage match for the silverware? I agree – let your faithful readers decide. Share pics!
    And three cheers for LL Bean. I can always count on them to make me feel better if I’m having a bad day. They are like a fairy godmother granting retail wishes. Hooray for new handles!

  19. Jodi

    Call both of the possible elementary schools and ask their policy on rolling backpacks. My son’s elementary school won’t allow them. Not even if the kids carry them.

    Of course, the school is run by a Nazi, but that is a whooooole ‘nother story and you don’t EVEN want to get me started.

  20. Jenni-nifr

    I see some sort of battle royale/UFC/IFL match with the silverware in the new casino – uh, I mean gazebo. Honestly though, keep ’em both! When my sister decided to have everyone over for Thanksgiving the year before last, she realized the night before that she only had a set of 8 for silverware, plates and glasses. Needless to say, she called my mom in a panic and asked if we could bring our own place settings and the 3 extras we had, and that still wasn’t enough!!! They will come in handy at some point.

  21. Nancy R

    I second the ‘never too many spoons’ advice. We’re constantly fishing them out of the dishwasher as soon as it’s in the dry cycle – ouch!

  22. Contrary

    Ok, so everyone has great advice on keeping both sets of silverware (Pookie and I did), but I still think we should have a vote. Because what could beat a silverware cagematch in a casino for pure silliness?

  23. Kristen

    that bad boy is going to sell the weekend after you move out. I can feel it.

    And we know how good my feelings are…

  24. Kris

    I’m incredibly jealous of anyone who has 1) a pool, 2) a huge house with a pool, and 3) not one, but two full sets of silverware and a pool.

    We had two full sets (identical so when there’s company, you know, we don’t have to make them eat with their fingers), and somehow pieces have been lost over the last five years or so, and we’re down to less than a complete set. Still, the huge serving spoon and “jelly knife” that came with are still sticking around, in spite of *trying* to be lost. Go figure.

  25. shining

    WHAT? you mean everyone doesn’t use the plain ‘ole walmart silverware and plasticware? I’m not buying anything nice until my kids are grown up. Because too many of them find their way outside to dig in the dirt. Same reason why all of my dishes are PLASTIC.

  26. Liz

    Once again, you have convinced me NOT to move – oh, and…um…I agree with “shining’s” comment – plastic reigns supreme!

  27. Rachel May

    I agree — keep all the silverware! There are three of us in this house (two adults and a three-year-old). I am CONSTANTLY having to pull dirty knives and spoons out of the dishwasher to wash them by hand because the dishwasher hasn’t been run yet because it isn’t full. We make a lot of PB&J’s and eat a lot of cereal. :P

    And, because you don’t have enough phone calls to make, I also second the call-the-school-about-the-rolling-backpacks. Lots of schools don’t allow them these days (mine included). Good idea, Jodi!

    Sending many house-selling vibes your way (and Otto’s, too)!!

  28. Taylor

    Hmmm…I just read the words “Monkey, who has a 504 plan” as “Monkey, who has a 401K plan” and was very, very disturbed that he already had a retirement plan.

    I may have though you were entirely crazy for about .5 seconds.

  29. The Other Leanne

    In this house, I AM the dishwasher and it’s true, you can never have enough silverware. Or glassware. Or dishes.
    The abundant banquet of life requires numerous utensils.
    Dang, I’m poetic.

  30. Susan

    Wade brought home new patio furniture last night. I looked at it, said, “I hate it,” and then spent TWO AND A HALF HOURS assembling it. I went to bed still hating it, but! lo and behold! when I awoke this morning, refreshed and rested, and had some very strong coffee, I decided that I really like it.

    Because I am never assembling patio furniture again. EVER. And if we return this, we will have to assemble SOMETHING ELSE.

    That is all.

  31. Sara

    Who needs haiku smackdown when you can have silverware cagematch?

  32. MomCat

    Sell the set of silverware which loses and use the cash to buy new furniture. Soul of practicality.

    I’m glad it’s the picky details now. The question “which silverware will we use?” is so much easier than “will we have somewhere to live?”

  33. Summer

    Mir, I would have thought that you would have selected a husband who would automatically agree that the kind of patio furniture he likes is the kind that’s on clearance and ships for free.

    Of course, lounge chairs with cushions are nice. Scratch that, you’ve got a pool, lounge chairs with cushions are ESSENTIAL.

  34. ScottsdaleGirl

    I had 4 sets of silverware at one point in life.
    1 set from prior marriage
    2 sets inherited from mother
    1 set brought by boyfriend

    Only one set survived the great garage sale of 06. One of my mother’s sets.

  35. Heidi

    Did someone say haiku smackdown?

    shiny silverware
    so many spoons to choose from
    whose WILL reign supreme?

    pretty casino
    so round and so loverly
    keep poker chips dry

  36. jenn

    Maybe you could use Otto’s silverware in the casino?

  37. Beth

    I hear you with the moving being a colossal pain — I’m in the midst of it, too. You’ve got all the good thoughts I can spare going your way (you can have the rest after Tuesday – gotta keep some for myself!) ;-)

    Oh, and I seriously agree with the “can’t have too many spoons” camp. I thought my mom was insane when she suggested we register for X sets of flatware and another X teaspoons… I will never doubt her household wisdom again!

  38. Barb Cooper

    Dudes, I can’t believe you’re urging Mir to adopt Otto’s silverware without even asking the question, “Who picked that silverware out?” Because if it was an ex –as in someone the man used to sleep with –that silverware needs to be donated somewhere so that every time Mir sees it, she doesn’t want to impale nice Otto’s hand with a fork.

    Um, I mean… hypothetically speaking, of course. But trust me on this.

  39. Bob

    silverware? sporks from KFC. two for one.

    problem solved.

  40. Jennifer

    I’m voting to keep both sets that way:
    1. You don’t have to wash dishes as often.
    2. When your kids accidentally throw them away (often on a paperplate in my house) you have spares.

  41. JAY

    Hi from the UK
    I’m loving your site. Soooo funny! Don’t envy you one little bit. I had my fare share of moving horrors 2 years ago and don’t plan o doing it again any time soon. Good luck

  42. dad

    This is all great stuff…but what happened to Love Thursday?

  43. Beth

    Ummm… Dad? With everything that’s happened so far? I think this IS Love Thursday ;-)

  44. chris

    Oh Mir, look over there at that shiny thing!

    Shhhh Otto, I am planning on swiping the silverware. It’ll be our little secret.

  45. Zee

    I vote for keeping whichever silverware is actually silver. The rest you keep in the attic to give to one of the kids when they get their first apartment. :)

  46. Pastormac's Ann

    Maybe you should let your bloggy friend take a vote for whose silverware is the best. ;-)

    Hope the school stuff gets straighten out without headaches and that the move goes smoothly.

  47. littlepurplecow

    I’m very impressed that Otto came with silverware, whether you ebay it or not.

  48. Christina

    Bob has the right idea, who needs more than a spork??

  49. rudolf

    Otto must have kick-ass silverware. I don’t hear of too many men living alone who would think theirs stood a chance :-)

  50. Jen

    Totally laughing at Marvo.

  51. Nicole

    My husband had giant size silverware – the small forks were the size of my big ones, the soup spoons are like serving spoons. I thought it was specially made or something. He loves it and having two sets is pretty convenient when your battling over who was supposed to run the dishwasher.

  52. the Mater

    I feel like I just descended into an alternate universe … Holy Hannah, I’ve been away far too long! New house, new hubby?!! Must find time to catch up. In meantime, sounds like congratulations are in order! You go, girl.

    As to the silverware, can’t you guys publish a photo of both place settings and let the readers vote (as suggested earlier I think)? Come on, show us what you’ve got!

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