As I’d already predicted, this was pretty much the week I lost my mind.
(That’s about all I’m going to say about that, for now.)
The natural fallout from this, however, is that I am perhaps A LITTLE STRESSED OUT, and the children react to this in different ways. Monkey reacts to it by giving me extra hugs and kisses and telling me that I am the very best Mama in the whole! wide! world! right before he runs off to do whatever he was planning to do anyway. Chickadee reacts to it in two ways: She either gets a stomach ache (or at least says she has one) or she clowns around until she gets a laugh from me.
Needless to say, I prefer the latter.
For whatever reason, she does her best work in the car.
It’s the end of the month, so there’ve been a lot of police cars on the road. Whenever we pass a cop car I am prone to call out “Hello, Ossiffer!” It makes the kids laugh, although I don’t know if they’re sure why it’s funny.
So we passed a patrol car that had pulled someone over and I bellowed my traditional hello. While Monkey giggled, Chickadee announced that she needed to make a phone call. I was about to ask her SINCE WHEN does she need to call someone from the car, when she held her hand up to the side of her head like a phone.
“Hello? Hello! Ossiffer! I am having an EMERGENCY, and I need someone RIGHT AWAY. Can you help me?”
“You’re having an emergency?” I asked her.
She held her hand out to shush me in an exact imitation of the way I do it to her, when I’m on the phone at home. I stifled a giggle.
“Ossiffer,” she continued, “This is a BIG EMERGENCY. There is a piece of CHEESE in the road. I REPEAT, there is a piece of CHEESE in the ROAD!” Monkey was laughing so hard I tried to remember if he’d been to the bathroom before we left the house. Chickadee appeared to be listening to a voice at the other end of her phone. “Yes. Yes. Uh huh. That’s right. The emergency is a piece of CHEESE in the ROAD. Aaaaaaaaand…” she paused dramatically, then took a deep breath and continued: “I NEED SOME CRACKERS. Please hurry!”
Now I was howling along with Monkey, and Chickadee “hung up” her phone by removing her phone hand from her (very large) grin.
“But… wait…” I finally managed to get out, “it’s so HOT outside. Don’t you think that a piece of cheese on the road would be all MELTED?”
“Oh!” she exclaimed. “You are RIGHT! Just a minute, please.” She flipped her hand-phone open again. “Hello? Hello! Ossiffer! I am having an EMERGENCY, and I need someone RIGHT AWAY. There is a piece of CHEESE in the road. I REPEAT, there is a piece of CHEESE in the ROAD. But it’s all MELTY. You need to come RIGHT AWAY, because I need some TOOTHPICKS and those little cubes of BREAD, please. ALSO, I would like some crackers. Okay. Thanks!”
I don’t know how I kept driving through all of this. Monkey was laughing so hard he was making little choking sounds, and I was gasping for breath.
“Let me get this straight, Chickie. You’re going to eat… ROAD FONDUE?” She met my gaze in the rearview mirror and shrugged.
“Only if the OSSIFFER hurries up with my LITTLE BREAD CUBES!”
“WAIT!” screeched Monkey, “Call him AGAIN! Tell him there’s a STEAK in the road!” He laughed and laughed, and Chickadee and I looked at each other and at him.
“A steak?” she asked him. Monkey nodded, still guffawing. “Monkey, don’t be silly. You don’t have crackers with STEAK.”
Right. Let’s not be silly.