We’ve come to that time of our program where I start to lose my mind.
It’s not dramatic or particularly concerning, really. It’s just that between the kids, selling the house, work, and getting married, my brain is full. People ask me questions and I stare at them blankly. I have a stack of mail I keep stuffing in a box (because the house is being shown, and no one wants a house where there’s mail visible!) even though I know there’s things in there I should probably be paying attention to, like bills and paychecks.
The kicker, of course, is that everyone else retains their regular mental capacity, while I find myself staring and drooling and—when pressed—exclaiming things like, “I’M GETTING MARRIED! WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A HOUSE?” It’s a wonder anyone is still talking to me.
To wit: A friend of mine with curly hair (this is important) went on vacation last week. Given that I recently decided my stylist hates me but I would sort of like to have nice hair next week, I decided to ask said friend for her stylist’s number. I then proceeded to call her. Repeatedly. Leaving ever-more-frantic messages on her answering machine, until I remembered that she was on vacation. Then I stopped calling.
Until I figured she was back. Then I resumed my calling, now leaving messages like “And if you don’t call me back I’ll have terrible hair and it’ll be ALL YOUR FAULT.”
Today she called, and I got the stylist’s number, and dialed her immediately. All I had to do was say that I wanted an appointment, right? That’s what a normal person would’ve done. I was all “HI! You cut my friend’s hair! And she is pretty! And I would like to be pretty! But my stylist is mean and I think I want to break up with her but I’m getting married next week and my hair is grey and can you please squeeze me in even though I can’t seem to stop talking?”
She will squeeze me in (tomorrow) but I think she was probably very glad when we got off the phone.
[Digression: We took down the twists in Chickadee’s hair this morning and she looked like Diana Ross after a drag race in a convertible. It was frightening. I had to put her hair in two braids just to be sure she’d fit on the school bus, and then the kids missed the bus! Because I temporarily forgot how to tell time!]
And then I called the place I thought I’d take Otto’s ring for engraving, to check and see if they would be able to do it in time, and the guy on the phone didn’t understand my precarious mental state.
Me: So, I need it engraved, but how long will it take?
Him: Oh, a long time. Maybe a month.
Me: A MONTH??
Him: I’m kidding. When do you need it?
Me: Before next Friday.
Him: You really shouldn’t have left this for the last minute, you know.
Me: I had to order the ring from Ireland! And it took a really long time! Can you do it before then or not?
Him: I dunno… probably not.
Me: Really??
Him: Just kidding!
Me: I am struggling with an intense dislike of you, right now, but I am willing to put it aside if you can get the damn ring engraved before next Friday.
This had all taken place while I was doing my normal thing: working in my pajamas. It was nearly lunchtime, so I decided to pretend to be an adult and take a shower and get dressed. And my legs needed shaving. So I put a new razor in the shower.
And proceeded to slice off half the skin on my legs. Because I have only been shaving my legs for 23 years or so, and I need more practice.
The shower only took 15 minutes, but it was another 15 minutes to put band-aids all over my knees and ankles, afterwards.
Then, of course, I had another showing this afternoon, because there is no more popular house in the area to come look at and then NOT BUY. I ran around cleaning up and realized that I had a basket full of black bananas. So being the good (and desperate) seller that I am, I whipped up a batch of banana bread, both to get rid of the unsightly bananas and to fill my house with an inviting scent.
The kids came home and I forbid them to touch anything other than the banana bread. I let them have some for snack and then hustled them out the door to go grocery shopping. They behaved like caffeine-addled ferrets at the store so I brought them home and locked them out of the house. Inside, I put away groceries and marveled that a house that smelled SO GOOD could still be on the market.
I vowed to get the kids to bed early and then follow suit, myself, but it’s 11:30 and I’m still up and I have no idea what I did all evening.
Pray for me. Or, at least my hair.
Sending happy hair thoughts. Happy like sexy, not silly. And look at you whipping up banana bread in the midst of chaos. I’m impressed.
oh you poor dear. don’t worry, the insanity won’t last much longer. i promise. two weeks, tops. you’ll make it, really you will. because you’re so pretty. and smart. :)
Glad that the ring arrived safely, but even more excited to know that you can make curly hair for Chickadee. We know all about that in our family. I’m trying to imagine what it’d be like if I had a daughter who requested I help straighten her hair. Hmmmm.
Get some of those frozen chocolate chip cookies–less messy than having to whip up banana bread. We did and we swear that’s what made our house sell after nothing for 3 mos.
You will be stunning with the prettiest, nicest hair ever. Promise.
Your post title made me think of that great book “Parts” but his brain were leaking out of his nose. My husband just read me an article about a real estate agent showing a house and finding the dead body of the owner in the bed. The smell was barely noticable over the other trash in the house. Makes me wonder why I’m bothering to get my house ready. Good luck and shame on all those people who kid around in your state. You will look exceptionally pretty at your wedding, for sure!
You will be beautiful, it will be beautiful, the house will sell. All in that order or so. Anyway, in some order. You will be beautiful on The Day!
And that’s what counts.
(And the ring will be engraved by the crazy, not-funny guy.)
Brains grow back don’t they? The brains that have leaked out your ears you could sell them on e-bay?!
With it taking so long for the house to sell. Play the pretend game and say you are keeping the house. It will sell for sure!
When this is all over a new chapter in your life will have begun. Then you can put your pretty feet up and relax.
best wishes on your impending wedding!!!
nice to meet you finally, i’ve heard so much about you all over the blogosphere. (we’re going to be founding bloggers together at babble’s new product blog-is that okay to say publicly? hmmmm, i haven’t read that contract citymama sent me yet).
anyway, be cautious with your hair, but he’ll love you no matter how you look. i was balder than britney last year from breast cancer chemo, no eyebrows either + men still gave me compliments at home depot, so you can always shave it, if the new hairdresser makes a mess.
your homeselling situation reminds me of a story my cousin told me about going to look at the house she finally bought. the owner didn’t answer the door + the realtor had a key + let my cousin + her husband + 2 sons in to look around. they walked around for about 30 minutes while the realtor gave them a tour of the house + finally opened a closet door + there was the homeowner hiding because she didn’t have her makeup on.
This is the well known phenomenon of “stress baking”. Some of us turn to drugs or alcohol when under stress. Others bake our way out of it. It happened to me when my husband had got a job interstate leaving me to pack up the house and manage the move alone, I had a miscarriage (at 15 weeks) in the middle of it, and a friend came round hours before the removal men arrived to find me clutching the last baking tray saying “I’m just whipping up a quick date and walnut cake”. I thought I was alone, but the exec officer at my work suffers the same thing. There was a security breach at work involving an armed offender, which she had to handle. Next day there was a big collection of cakes and pastries in the tearoom.
Hi, good luck with the hair and the house.
BTW, you should now with having kids, that your brains don’t come back at least until they are 18 (or so I’ve heard–my kids are still younger than that, and my brains are totally gone–I think they went south for the winter and haven’t come back.)
The phrase “Diana Ross after a drag race in a convertible” has made my day. I’d send you a thought organizer if I could find one. :D
What about double french braids for Chickadee? It would look sweet with the flowers woven in, and yet somewhat sophisticated. Barring that, you could put the braids in wet on Thursday, and on Friday you would have lovely waves.
As to the rest of it, well, at least it will be over soon, right?
The Diana Ross phrase had me laughing, but my favorite is “caffeine-addled ferrets”. Because ‘ferret’ is always a word that can make me laugh. (Yeah, yeah, I’m an easy laugh. But my children have sucked any intelligent brain cells from my body, so I’m left with being amused by the word ‘ferret’.)
Crossing my fingers for the ring engraving, hair, and house.
You’re pretty. And it will all be over soon.
I think my brain would’ve exploded long ago. Roll Chickie’s hair in sponge rollers tonight (you can buy them at the grocery or target). They work like a charm.
Sounds like things are going swimmingly, all things considered! Everything is going to be FINE. I promise. Hang in there sweetie, Otto will be by your side soon and make everything all better! :oD
Deep breaths, deep breaths…
“Diana Ross after a drag race in a convertibleâ€
Man, I’m gonna be holding on to that phrase!
Any chance of Chicky getting her hair done with you on the big day? My girls got fancy up-do’s for their uncle’s wedding a couple of years ago and they could barely contain their glee.
“…like Diana Ross after a drag race in a convertible…”
Oh. My. God. The mental picture this has given me is going to sustain me all day today.
You are pretty and will be even prettier on your wedding day. And your pretty-smelling house will sell very soon.
And Chickie’s hair? That’s how my hair looked through much of junior high, when I grew my super-curly hair all one length and then washed it at night and brushed it into frizziness every morning. It’s not a good look. There’s a reason only one picture survives.
And you are still bringing the funny, so that part of your brain hasn’t leaked yet.
Two weeks before my wedding is when I realize I’d run out of Xanax. I hadn’t needed any in months… I never did get that prescription filled in time, but I was JUST getting married. I’m in awe of all you are going through.
Hang in there, soon you won’t even care what people think of the nuttiness!
Oh my god. It seems the more stressed you are, the funnier you are! I will pray for your hair for the next few weeks!
OK, I’ll pre-forgive you for any upcoming blog entries that look like:
“ulycfGHKCTrs78hbj,hbv li;igu HH jIKM0- QA@#ty uu BLZZZZzzz”
Oh my gosh, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard at one of your posts. Chickadee and her Diana-Ross-after-a-drag-race-in-a-convertible hair made me lose it entirely. I’m going to be laughing about that all day.
I agree with Melanie Marie: increased stress=increased funny. That’s good for us, but unfortunately not for you.
oh man! I almost want to buy your house just so you don’t have to worry anymore – but I’d only be able to buy it if it were free, and sadly I know that’s not the case.
Keep up! It’ll all come out in the end and you’ll be happily married to Otto and living the good life soon enough!
And! Can I possibly use any more exclamation points?!?
Anyone who can “whip up banana bread” is alright in my book.
The ring thing: Don’t you hate being lectured by someone who knows better? Gahhhhh.
So, I’m really, really, really far behind in my reading. I just saw in my freakin’ April issue of Parents, or was it Parenting — I can’t remember, I get both — that your blog is listed in it! Too cool, Mir!
And I know your hair will be beautiful. Seriously, stop fretting because your making ME nervous!
I am loving your blog makes feel like I am not alone in my mentally faulty days. Hugs to you!!!!
I think I’ll pray for your kids instead. It’s 11:30 and they’re locked out of the house.
Repeat after me: “One way or another, in ten days we’ll be married.”
Can’t help with the house thing. We’re 0 for 2 on trying to sell them — once we give up on selling, we rent them out. We’ve decided to start referring to it as an investment strategy so we don’t feel like such losers.
BTW, if Otto’s ring isn’t done before the wedding, you can just go back and pick it up and use it un-engraved (have it done later if you like). So no stressing about that either!
What about trying hot rollers on Chickadee – use the middle size (not the biggest ones, not the smallest ones) and spray with hairspray. Leave in for 15 minutes. Remove rollers and let the hair cool for another 5 minutes. Carefully style with your fingers – don’t use a comb or brush – and spray again to finish. The spray is key to holding the curl.
Ahhh, you make me feel so much better. With all the insanity at my house, it’s nice to know that your house is equally outrageous. I like the idea of locking the kids out of the house while unpacking groceries. I get irate when trying to put stuff away and they’re foraging through the bags and scattering items I’ve carefully organized into appropriate bags all over the kitchen.
your hair is going to be so HOT!!!
Keep in mind that the guy that bought my house saw it at its lowest hour and didn’t care. That whole thing about how you should be able to eat of the toilet seat for someone to buy is just ridiculous.
He, of course, is now taking me for thousands of dollars in repairs.
Disregard everything I said, except the part about your hair looking HOT!
Here’s wishing you and Chikadee the very best NON- Diana Ross like hair on your big day! Congrats!
caffeine-addled ferrets. that’s PERFECT!!! I totally know what you mean!
And that is sad.
Wishing you well with the wedding planning and the temporary insanity.
You and your crises so crack me up. I feel bad to be sitting here laughing out loud at all the insane things going on in your life, but I can’t help myself. You’re too funny.
Hang in there!
HA HA HA just found your blog and I love it! Especially love the “Planet L” post. Too cute!