Goats gone wild!

By Mir
April 23, 2007

I cannot stop with the goats. Goats, goats, everywhere. My hair is like a flock of goats, and my children, they are like a herd of goats. I was surveying the state of my house this evening and didn’t feel even a little guilty about accusing them of being a herd of goats. Actually, that may be slightly insulting to goats.

I’m pretty sure that goats eat EVERYTHING, so if they were TRULY goats, instead of eight empty cups and two pop-tart wrappers and assorted popsicle sticks being strewn across my family room, they would just eat it all and leave the area tidy. That might be good. (But then they’d probably also poop on the floor, and thank goodness we’re past that stage.)

Because do you KNOW what this week is? That’s RIGHT! It’s SPRING BREAK WEEK! Because it was such hard work having almost no school LAST week on account of all the flooding! So we are enjoying much more family togetherness than I think I can handle.

Oh, I shouldn’t say that. I love having my kids home. I do. As long as there isn’t anything else I need to be doing. And that happens… um, never. Having them home when I still have to work can be a little challenging. I try not to give in to the temptation to let them sit in front of the TV or on the computer all day, but it’s so much more effort to grab a broom and chase them outside….

(The irony of telling them that sitting in front of a computer all day isn’t good for them is not lost on me. But at least I get up and stretch periodically. The kids, they get on Webkinz and it’s like they’re smoking crack in there. It’s the longest I’ve ever seen Monkey sit still.)

While I tried to complete a day’s work today, one or both children did the following:

* Trashed the family room.
* Trashed the playroom.
* Refused to eat breakfast.
* Complained of starvation and needed lunch THIS MINUTE and were not amused when I pointed out that eating breakfast could’ve prevented that.
* Limped around complaining of injury.
* Begged for Tylenol.
* Ran down the driveway, miraculously healed.
* Asked to stay in pajamas all day.
* Asked to get dressed.
* Complained about getting dressed.
* Wanted to go outside.
* Complained it was too hot outside.
* Begged to come inside.
* Got into a fight in the driveway.
* Came inside to tattle.
* Came inside to refute the tattler.
* Came inside to ask for the walkie-talkies.
* Came inside looking for the sibling who’d claimed to be inside.
* Came inside still unable to find said sibling.
* Came inside to ask me if I could hear sibling on the walkie-talkie.
* Came inside to ask me why I’m yelling STOP COMING INSIDE!
* Begged to stay out when I said it was time for lunch.
* Left muddy footprints all over the house and claimed to not know their feet were so dirty.
* Washed feet and hands in the sink and somehow managed to get mud all over the bathroom.
* Complained about lunch.
* Ate up all the lunch and complained that there wasn’t any more.
* Complained about running errands.
* Did a half-naked dance in the little changing stall at the dry cleaner’s while the adorable little seamstress promised me in broken English that yes, she can fix my dress and my boobs won’t fall out, but Monkey’s suit jacket will just have to be a little big because it would be too hard to make slimmer.
* Wondered loudly in front of the other dry cleaning patrons why I need to have boobs sewn inside my wedding dress.
* Took turns reading to each other in the car.
* Tried to hit each other with the book in the car.
* Complained it was taking too long to get there.
* Complained they wanted to stay in the car.
* Asked what was for dinner.
* Protested that they HATE that for dinner.
* Finagled a deal whereby if they showered QUICKLY they could have blue box for dinner.
* Bickered over the bathroom.
* Left a trail of sodden towels and dirty clothes in their wake.
* Begged to stay up late.

Needless to say, I got SO MUCH WORK done today. Truly, I did. It’s just that I did it all in 30-second increments, and now I have a small facial tic. And do not even remind me that it’s only Monday, because I still have several popsicle sticks with which I could probably stab you in the eyeball if nothing else.


  1. Anna

    Check with the school, surely they need makeup days for those missed due to flooding. Prayers are with you. Remember popsicle sticks make excellent instructional tools, of course goats would probably eat them.

  2. becky

    gee, mir, i can’t WAIT for my rugrat to arrive. you make it sound so FUN. ;)

  3. Sandee

    Blue box?

  4. Jenni

    Just while I was reading this, my 2 year old poured milk on all of his battery operated Thomas the Tank Engine toys. He claims they needed it to make steam…..

  5. Cele

    You make having children look so inviting…to a grand parent. Is there a patron saint of at home working mothers?

  6. cce

    Had Spring Break here last week and can soooo relate to the whole working in 30 second increments and muddy footprints all over the floor thang. Look on the bright side, the weather is incredible and they can be outdoors ALL day. Just leave a bowl of water and package of PopTarts by the back door and tell them to get lost for a few hours or days. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

  7. Sara

    “Actually that may be insulting to goats.” Heh.
    And Sandee, Blue Box is the ever-handy, ever-delish, ever-neon Kraft macaroni and cheese (known as Kraft Dinner at my house).

  8. Juliness

    Hmmm, I have to stop and think when I read a post like this…is this a club I really want to join?


  9. MomCat

    I confess. If I’m busy with something vital I will let mine sit on Webkinz or Neopets till her brains ooze out of her ears.

    I usually try to make it up the next day by scheduling a 2 hour hike. Usually.

  10. Contrary

    We call it Mac and Cheese at my house, because we are original and also, we like cheese.

    I was thinking last night about how nice it would be if the 4 year old were twins because, built in playmate! Then I read this and remembered when my two oldest (now 19 and 17) were little. Oh yeah, built in playmates. Or built in evil nemisis. Or built in patsy. Or built in I’M TELLING MOM WHAT YOU DID AND SHE’S GONNA KILL YOU AND PROBABLY GROUND YOU TOO!

    Yeah, never mind.

  11. Aimee

    Wow. I… wow. Good luck.

  12. Wendy

    I say kick them out of the house and lock the door. Then you will need headphones so not to hear their cries of the door being locked.

    And why so many holidays for these kids? School should be 24/7 from Sept-June. No fun for the kids, but oodles of fun for the parents.

    Good Luck

  13. jenn2

    Oh my goatness. And it is only Tuesday. I am so very sorry. Look at it this way, at least you’re not trying to plan a wedding …oh, wait. Never mind.

  14. Liise

    The food will never taste good to a child if he/she does not first condemn it. Unless it’s chicken nuggets or chocolate cake. Those are “condemn free” foods.

    :) Deep breaths Mir…Deeeeep Breaaaaths.

  15. Sheila

    Too late for you now at this house, but perhaps a tip for the new house in the Land Of Sweltering Heat and Humidity:

    Install a bubbler outside.

    (Whoops– sorry only your Wisconsin readers will get that. I’ll try again:)

    Install a drinking fountain outside.

    Yes. My neighbor did it, and it nearly eliminated the tracking in of the sand and the sneaking out of the popsicles and the screaming of the “Get OUTSIDE!!!”. Seriously. Her kids, my kids, kids from blocks away came to marvel and drink of the water from the Baker Bubbler. Of course, Mr. Baker had to return to the hardware store a number of times during the installation, and one time after the installation because the Baker Kids at first refused to drink the waterdue to it tasting “rubbery”, but a new hose purchase cleared up that problem.

    Get yourself an outhouse to go with it, and the kids will never need to enter the house again! (Just tell them it’s how Laura Ingalls lived or something.)

  16. Erika, Plain Jane Mom

    I identify with everything you said, but this one made me SNORT with laughter:

    “Came inside to ask me why I’m yelling STOP COMING INSIDE.”

    I have to do that every freaking day…

  17. Hathery

    Kids are baby goats.

  18. TM

    One of the seldom mentioned benefits of homeschooling: Your children get used to being locked out of the house regardless of the weather.


  19. Daisy

    Your goats could cut the lawn for you, too. If you get a female, you could really milk this one for all it’s worth. And cheese! Make cheese!

  20. Alissa

    Wow. I totally relate to you. Mine are 5, 3 and 1. I was hoping it would get better. I think I’ll go stab myself with a popsicle stick since it’s clearly not going to improve for at least 17 more years.

  21. Mom101

    Wow you just got me so excited to have two kids that will one day be your children’s ages.

    It’s really uncool to follow a sentence with “not” these days…so I’ll just hope the sarcasm came through.

  22. goatlady

    OMGosh.. sounds like You DO have a predicament….hehe.. I think I have less trouble with my kids.. (a houseful of goats too.. only mine are the hoofed kind.. ) yeah they do poop on the floor but they are such cute little berry-like poops.. and no unfortunately goats don’t eat everything..they are very Finicky eaters.. (try eating an apple and offering the remaining part to a goat after you had YOUR dirty mouth on it.. YUK they won’t touch it. hehe) I feel for you.. Hey.. maybe you should trade in your “goats” for Real goats.. less back talk, never stay out late..no tattling.. well yeah they do tattle.. and no need to buy expensive label jeans.. LOL
    I do however have Just the right t-shirt for you..what else? ‘Goats Gone Wild!’ Buck up.. and don’t let’em butt you around..

  23. julie

    I get quite a giggle out of all you parents of small ones thinking it gets easier as they get older….

    Mom of two twenty year-olds(ROFL)

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