Stretch bootcut moron

By Mir
February 1, 2007

Yesterday was a VERY EXCITING DAY, because something unprecedented happened.

I went to Marshall’s and found TWO pairs of jeans that FIT!

And I would’ve happily paid any amount of money for those jeans, because my quest for ass coverage has become so dire that my normal penny-pinching ways have been downtrodden in favor of my new philosophy, which is: SPEND IT ALL if it means having pants to wear. But the heavens shone forth and the angels sang and my generous bounty cost me under $15. Total.

It was a difficult decision, yesterday, whether to write the Love Thursday post I went with or one about my new jeans.

Today I bounced out of bed, eager to face the day’s activities in new jeans, jeans that actually fit my body and cover everything that should be covered and accentuate whatever it is that ought to be accentuated. (And by “ought to be accentuated,” I mean “are long enough to wear with my nice boots, thereby drawing the eye away from my cellulite and down to my pretty, pretty shoes.”)

I considered my two new pairs. Which one should I try first? The first pair is a sort of cargo style by Columbia (the people who make boots and stuff), and had been marked down four or five times before arriving at my purchase price of $7.00. The second pair is an Eddie Bauer pair that—in theory, anyway—should be exactly the same as one of the pairs I recently ordered from the catalog. But the catalog ones didn’t fit, and these did. (Later on today I returned the catalog pants to the store and the clerk told me they just changed the cut this year, which means by the time I discovered the magical pants that fit, they were already discontinued.) The EB ones had been $7.99, which was the Marshall’s regular price. I assumed they’d been mismarked, but I’m not complaining. Anyway, they’re a bit sleeker than the Columbia jeans, and I decided I felt like wearing them today.

New jeans… sweater… nice boots… recent haircut. I felt pretty good. Look at me, all put together! Uh huh.

I then spent the day running here and there and everywhere, and as the day progressed I found myself tugging on my pants a bit, and readjusting them repeatedly, and by mid-afternoon I was sure I was standing funny or something. I finally figured it out right before I left for choir. Of course, I didn’t have any time to DO anything about it, so I went to rehearsal, came home, paid the sitter, and then came upstairs and took my gorgeous new jeans off to check.

Today I went to no less than five different locations—where I interacted with other people—wearing those jeans and feeling pretty pleased with myself. Tonight when I removed them I was able to confirm what I’d begun to suspect about halfway through the day.

[Consumer alert: If jeans which you know to retail for $60 are tagged at $7.99 with no discounts, be suspicious.]

My new jeans? Feature a midweight dark-wash whiskered denim, a medium rise, a bit of stretch for optimal fit, and a right leg that is an inch and a half longer than the left.

(No, they were not in any way marked as being irregular or seconds. It was just a special little surprise.)

Please wish me better luck with the other pants tomorrow. I’ll be checking them carefully in the morning, just to make sure they don’t have three legs or anything else I may have overlooked.


  1. carson

    If the left leg fits, someone can whack that right leg off for you. For a price. (Why do I suddenly feel like an extra on the Sopranos?)

  2. daring one

    Oh, how I hope they have three legs, but only if you’ll post a picture. I wonder if they were so cheap because that style had been discontinued as well. Researchers found that too many women in this country have legs freakishly similar in length.

  3. Marvo

    If it does have three legs, I’d suggest you try and grow a tail. The third leg will keep your tail warm. :-)

  4. Cele

    I use to buy my pants at a delightful place called

    Funky and Damn Near New

    What a great shop. Seconds and flaws with the greatest prices, and usually a small price to physically pay. small price.

  5. Meghann

    Just FYI-pants with a collar=bad.

  6. Muirnait

    Oh no! Is the short let long enough that you can hem the long leg? Because that would maybe make the angels go back to their singing :-)

  7. Rachel May

    LOL!!! This post is great!!! I agree with PP, though, that angel-singing is a high priority, and you should find someone to fix that long leg. Shouldn’t cost much, and considering that you only paid eight bucks to begin with, it oughta even out (pun intended) to a normal jeans price.

    Thanks for starting my day with a smile, Mir.

  8. Sara

    Aren’t you glad you went with the other post for Love Thursday? I’m not sure this one would have fit…(sorry.)

  9. Christina

    Maybe they were trying to serve the under-developed market of women with legs of different length?

    A good tailor can probably even them out for you, for very little expense.

  10. Bob

    tailor, shmailor. hem them yourself, it isn’t hard. Denim can be a pain, but it’s just a pantleg hem. I have been known to put together a (simple) outfit by hand stitching when between sewing machines.

  11. Woman with Kids

    Wear mismatched shoes to even it out?

  12. Sophie

    Have you measured your legs lately? I’m just saying… :-D

  13. Chris

    OMG…you really are so funny in the telling of a story. Truly, I needed that.
    Anywho, I always check, recheck, and even sometimes wear the item with the tags on, just to see if it is ok. Marshall’s, T’J’s, stores you have to love to “hate”. Good Luck to you with the whole jeans thing. ;)

  14. MMM

    finding pants to fit sucks! i know all about it. ugh! my fave pair of jeans are 4 or 5 years old, and so thin you can almost see through them, but they FIT.

  15. Aimee

    Y’know, even paying for tailoring, I think you still got yourself a bargain — not that I’d expect anything less.

  16. Liise

    Make them into shorts… no help?

  17. Stephanie

    have you considered maybe one of your legs is longer than the other? that would explain the previous difficulty in finding pants that fit. :)

  18. Susan

    Oh, Marshalls . . . first my debit card, now your jeans . . . they’re out to get us. I’m certain.

  19. David

    Aw, is that all? Just different length legs? I thought you were going to tell us you’d managed to moon several dozen folks. I’m so disappointed. *chuckling gleefully, well out of arms reach*

  20. rachel

    my husband wants to create an internet store devoted to shoes for people whose feet are different sizes.

    You could start stocking a store for people whose legs are different sizes! Brilliant!

    Hoping today’s pair are normal. Or that you grow a tail.

  21. Dysfunctional Housewife

    WOW I am starting to feel glad we don’t have a Marshalls here. BUT I have had similar problems with the Ross store here. Sometimes I forget to think “Okay. There HAS to be a reason this is being sold in a markdown store.”

  22. Crisanne

    Oh man I so wish that could happen to me. Seriously. My left leg is shorter than my right and I’m always walking on my hem. But it’s not 1.5″ shorter, so maybe not.

  23. karen t

    Somehow I know that regardless of what i will be doing tomorrow, at the back of my mind will be a little voice rooting for Mir and her jeans no.2.

  24. karen

    IF the short leg is too short to keep them as regular pants, cut them below the knee for capris! I did this with a favorite pair of khakis when my son got ink on the pants around the ankles. Snip snip, and voila!

  25. Melanie

    I’d go to a tailor – whatever they charge, the jeans will still have been cheap! Or else maybe you could tie a cement block to your right leg to try to lengthen it.

  26. Jenn2

    Oh my little baby Hay-zus! Too funny. I’m still snickering. Though not eating Snickers, because, you know, I’m trying to lose weight and all. Mmmmm. Snickers.

  27. Em

    congratulations on your find!!!

  28. BOSSY

    Bossy loves lurves loffs her jeans with built-in stretch but she recognizes that they only have a shelf life of two hours and thirteen minutes. Then it’s all ass crack.

  29. Kris

    You better watch out for Carson there. I’ve been to Canada with her and seen her try to whack a guy parking in our spot.

    Chop ’em and call ’em chinos.

  30. Dana

    Mir, can you please find me some jeans that fit? I hate jean shopping. I hate trying on clothes. I hate shopping period! I’m so happy you found two pairs! That’s rare!

  31. joy

    i feel the same way about finding jeans that fit–or any pants for that matter. i really should wear skirts more often. but that involves hose. or tights (shudder).
    yeah–i’d take those babies to a tailor–just make sure they give a denim finish.

  32. MomCat

    It seems that manufacturers still aren’t making jeans/pants that are actually woman-shaped. Every time I get the courage to go try some on they are too tight in the hips, too loose in the waist, too long, pockets that stick out or some other horrific flaw that has me thinking, “Who designed these? Mollusks?” There is no real consistency in sizing either. I wear pants ranging in size from a 6 to a 12, depending on the store. That’s just…wrong.

    So congrats on your two pairs – that’s a major accomplishment, even if one is a little lopsided. I agree with Karen — capris!

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