May I pour you a Nyquil cocktail?

By Mir
October 1, 2006

I’m an excellent hostess. Pull up a box of kleenex and sit down.

Remember when I said maybe I was getting sick? Dude. I’m PSYCHIC. (Or was that psychotic? I can never keep those two straight.) Or perhaps I had a little tickle in the back of my throat, even then. But I prefer to believe I’m psychic, as that’s a better counterpoint to a runny nose.

Stupid cold weather. I cry uncle! I give up! I turned on my heat today. If I’m going to get a cold every couple of weeks, at least I want to be able to feel my toes inside my slippers.

Anyway. I woke up sick today, but yesterday I was still laboring under the delusion of Life As Usual. Though there were some hints that the day wasn’t off to a good start.

My first clue that yesterday wasn’t going to be smooth sailing was The Tragedy Of The Tea. After spending a good fifteen or twenty minutes internally arguing over whether I should make some tea or coffee here at home or drive through and pick up a cup of coffee somewhere on my way to Monkey’s soccer game, I decided to make my standard cup of green tea with lemon. Boring, but fine, and FREE! I located my travel mug and put the water on to boil while I dried my hair.

I heard the kettle whistling just as I finished up, and skipped down the stairs pleased with my timing. I had just enough time to pour my tea, gather my things, and get out to the field before the game started.

(The kids spent the weekend with their dad, which meant I got to sleep late and take an extra-long shower. Ahhhhhhh.)

Teabag into the mug. Water into the mug. Squirt of lemon into the mug. Lid on mug. Mug on mudroom floor while I found my shoes… mug kicked over by one under- caffeinated dunderhead.

Colorful stream of commentary issued. Mug back on kitchen counter. Paper towels on mudroom floor. Lid off mug. More water into the mug. More lemon into the mug. Lid on mug. Mug taken directly to the car’s cupholder, do not pass Go, do not collect $200, do not knock the stupid thing over again, you klutz.

I arrived at the field moments before they began.

I clutched the mug to warm my hands and enjoyed a few fragrant sips before setting it down in the grass next to my chair… where it promptly fell over and unloaded half its contents.

Stupid tea.

The game itself was great, though. All except the part where I was thirsty, and yawning.

I grabbed a cup of coffee on my way home. I spilled it while attempting to juggle my keys, purse, the mail, and it on my way back into the house, though. At that point I just gave up on liquids.

Yesterday afternoon I decided to go out and try some beds. You see, since deciding what size bed to buy, I’ve done a lot of internet research on what I might want, but no actual bed testing. I had some ideas about what I wanted, sure. Now it was time to go for test-drives.

Here’s the problem: Most everything I’ve read suggests that you need to lie on a bed for a good fifteen to twenty minutes to know if it’s truly comfortable. The consumer is urged not to feel any embarrassment about lounging on a showroom bed for this period of time, as it is critical to proper selection.

Yes. Well. I am shameless about many things, it’s true. But laying on a bed in the middle of a furniture store, by myself, for a quarter of an hour, is just not in my repertoire. Quite honestly I am a little squicked out about laying on those beds AT ALL, given how grungy some of them are starting to look. Plus the PILLOWS! Don’t even get me started. I hate to put my head where other (unknown, potentially unWASHed) heads have been. The whole thing is hard for me, is the point.

But I was determined to try.

I did my best. I did spend as much time as I could stand on about ten different beds across three different stores. I slipped in and out of one store, totally escaping detection. In the other two, a salesperson glommed onto me immediately and wanted to make my experience as unpleasant as possible.

Know what is more uncomfortable than lying on a bed in the middle of a crowded store? Lying on a bed in the middle of a crowded store while some guy in a cheap suit tries to ask you about your “needs.”

(“What I need, I don’t think you guys sell here….”)

It was at the second store where I think I found the right bed. But I was determined 1) to hit at least one more store and 2) not make a purchase right away to get it overwith (I have been known to do that), so I continued on to the last store. Now that I had a pretty good idea of what I like, I told the salesbarnacle who attached to me what I’d seen at the other store and asked to see something comparable.

Well. DON’T BE FOOLED, I was cautioned. YES, their warranty is longer, BUT their standards for wear are different. Here at This Furniture Store we will replace for just a quarter inch of sag! At That Furniture Store they require two inches of sag before they replace! Read the terms! Okay, well, that’s all well and good, I hear you, thanks. Now, can you show me something like what I saw there?

Sure. This Furniture Store has a comparable bed for just twice the price. Wait! Where are you going?? Maybe I should go for a smaller bed of higher quality, instead of buying a bed I really can’t afford. (That was not a smart salesperson. I very nearly said “I HAD TO POLL PEOPLE ON MY BLOG to decide on a king and I WANT A KING AND YOU NEED TO SHUT UP,” but I didn’t.)

I came home with cards and brochures and feeling nearly as confused as when I’d set out. Was the bed I liked the right one for me? Was the warranty sufficient? Would I feel physical pain, forking over the money for it? Or would I rejoice in my first good night’s sleep in ages and declare it the best purchase of my life?

I do not know the answer to any of these questions. But what I DO know is that I put my head down on a number of beds yesterday and today I am sick. Draw your own conclusions.

The store that carries the bed I like has online ordering, so if I come to a firm decision I can just order it from here at home. Which is nice. But I can’t do it now, because it’s wrong to buy beds under the influence. And I am definitely under the influence of the Nyquil right now. Instead, I think I’ll go to sleep here in my small, uncomfortable bed.

Too bad I’m not allowed to have liquids anymore. I could use a cup of tea.


  1. Krisco

    Oh Mir. You crack me up.

    I have a feeling the liquid moratorium will be gone in the morning. So post-caffeine, you can make a clear decision then.

  2. carrien

    NOw that you need tea more than ever. GO to Starbucks and get their nifty SEALABLE travel mug. MY husband got this, and it is the greatest travel mug ever. The handle clips onto his tool belt, it snaps closed, and he can throw it, you heard me right, throw it onto the floor of the car and the thing does not leak even a little bit. Since I don’t want you to be deprived of tea, go and buy yourself one right away in whatever happy color you prefer, it’s worth whatever they charge for it, and then nurse your self back to health with some nice hot tea.

  3. Karen Rani

    Ha! I got you sick by commenting on your blog so much. Sorry I hacked up a lung on a previous entry, but if YOU WEREN’T SO DAMN FUNNY, I wouldn’t have to have coughing fits.

    Also? When you DO decide on a bed, just tell me the make and model. Knowing you’re doing all the work in selecting my next bed, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

    *I stayed on this entry for 20 minutes before actually commiting to a comment.*

  4. Marvo

    Hmm…I just bought a bed this weekend from Sears. It was a $2400 bed for $450. It was an old model they were trying to get rid of and the price dropped that morning. I did lay down on it for about 10 minutes and it felt fine to me, but then again ANY bed would be an upgrade from my futon bed with badly sagging futons. Also, my futon bed squeaks loudly during certain physical activities. Now all I need is a girlfriend to break it in with me.

  5. Fold My Laundry Please

    Ahhh, Nyquil! The sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, pass out on the kitchen floor so you can rest medicine!

    Feel better soon!

  6. hollygee

    Here’s the thing about hot liquids: they work also when you sit down at a table to drink them and the cup rests on the table in front of you. I realize that you need to schedule the time to do this and it seems wasteful of your time to sit at a table and drink a hot liquid, but not at all! You could read through the excellent advertising brochures that you’ve been given. Then you will feel sleepy and need a nap.

  7. Brigitte

    About 100 years ago, when I last got a mattress, I couldn’t deal with lying on the bed for more than about two seconds . . . and these didn’t have pillows, so who knows which part of the bed had people’s SHOED feet all over? Shoes that have stepped in god-knows-what!

    But I’m not sure the firm-ness or softness of the mattress is what matters so much to me, it’s the horrible, horrible sproinginess. I CAN’T STAND being bounced to high heaven just because my husband let out an extra-vigorous snore!

  8. Bob

    Nyquil – exlixir of the gods.

    I hope your Monday will be less aqueously challenged. Oh, and mucous-free too.

  9. Christina

    I think you need a new mug – something that won’t empty all its contents on being tipped over.

    Furniture store beds creep me out. I know I need to lay down on them to decide on the best bed, but…yuck. We bought our bed after only laying on it a few minutes. Sadly, they didn’t tell us how important a sturdy bed frame is (with lots of support for the bed), so now we’re dealing with sag in the middle of our two year old bed.

  10. mc

    Hmm, I’ve been pondering turning the heat on, too, although it feels like extreme wussiness to have it on this early in October. My excuse? The baby might be cold!

    And good luck with the bed-buying and the recovering from the bed-shopping.

  11. MMM

    Know what even more uncomfortable than THAT? Lying on the bed to test it out, whilt hubby stands nearby. Then the SALESMAN hops onto the bed next to me and lies there while giving his speech. Freaking creepy!

  12. Gillian

    Poor thing. And no tea on top of that! On the other hand there is this ancient sickness ritual called incubation period during which nastys get to be fruitful and multiply before your body realizes that the nastys are sitting on little corpuscle couches watching really bad sitcoms. Or maybe there is instant touching cootie bed infection. Naaaahhh. How many times did I pray for a bug so I could stay home from school? Never happens when you want it.

  13. Lesley

    The old Ellen DeGeneres show had a hilarious episode where Ellen goes shopping for mattresses and she lies down on the bed and says to the salesman, “Spoon me, Joe.” Heh.

  14. Summer

    Next time you go shopping for beds, bring your own pillow. That wouldn’t look weird at all, would it, a woman walking into a furniture store armed with her own boldly-striped pillow? Or just skip torturing yourself and order the best-priced one you can find on the internet. It’s going to have to be delivered anyway, and this way, you wouldn’t even have to TALK to icky mattress salesmen.

    Feel better, and take care if you decide to eat a bowl of chicken soup in bed.

  15. Katrina Stonoff

    You will rejoice in the best night’s sleep ever and declare it the most wonderful purchase of your life.

    When I finally bought a new bed, I couldn’t believe how well I slept, and I didn’t do half the research you’ve done (of course, I was in a small town, and there was only one place you could buy a mattress). You will love it!

    Hmm…my bed’s about 12 years old now. I think it’s time to experience that again.

  16. Cele

    I think MMM wins for the weirdest and most awkward bed hopping experience.

    Mir, buy the bed, get some rest, and honey if you can make your tea and dump it over inadvertantly then it can not be called a travel mug. Therefore, as everyone has pointed out – the purchase of a good travel mug is worth it’s weight in gold.

  17. Jenn2

    I wonder if boob jobs come with sag warranties…hmmm.

  18. Becky

    I’m impressed with how careful you are about this purchase. I’m learning a lot – I need a new bed too.

  19. Jen Jen

    You need to lay on the bed and give the salesman your best “Come Hither” look.

    It always feels like a pretty vulnerable position to be in when there are so many sharky salesmen swimming around.

  20. Whimspiration

    Seems like everyone has the change-of-season crud. Get to feeling better soon!

  21. Trivial Mom

    Mmmmm . . . Tea . . . now I’m thirsty. I’m going to have to go make myself a cup.

    Whichever mattress you buy, just be happy you bought the king. The kings are always more comfortable. I don’t know why, they just are. Personally I’m an ultra ultra plush, couldn’t put to much cushy-ness in it kind of bed person. But you know, to each her own.

  22. OneTiredMomma

    OMG, you crack me up. I went bed shopping a few years ago with my two kids. Talk about fun times. Wasn’t so much what it felt like lying down, but how much air they could get. I ended up buying a bed I thought felt right and I HATE it – $800 bucks later =( I’m not sure what the right answer is for this – maybe I would have had better luck at Jordans Furniture – its all dark in the bed section, they pump mood music in to get you all dreamy and they have stars in the ceiling… Just pick a hot sales guy (sorry Otto) and scream out “Hey You! Let’s give this baby a test drive!!” So yeah you’ll end up sick with germs, but think of all the fun you had, while you’re knocking over your third cup of joe ;)

  23. Kestralyn

    I feel sort of bad right now… when we bought our wonderful, marvelous mattress (I think it is, my husband thinks it’s too soft) we hit the local been-in-the-family-for-generations furniture store first. We walked in, explained to the salesman at the desk what we were looking for, and he brought us back into the mattress room. Gave us the spiel on each type of mattress, then left us alone for how-ever-long we needed to flop on things. He checked in on us after about half-an-hour, saying, “I always like to check to make sure nobody’s fallen asleep!” but left us alone beyond that. I’m sorry about the sharky guys!

  24. Janis

    Pssst… one word: memory foam. You’ll sleep like a bay-bee. Overstock has a good price on a king, too, or at least they did last week. I bought the queen from them because my master in the Little Condo is actually more of a closet, but you should definitely consider the king.

  25. Daisy

    Airborne. Take Airborne (or even its generic equivalent) when you feel a cold coming on and before you go out and expose yourself to even more nasty germs. since your free sample obviously hasn’t come yet, buy a box now!

  26. D

    the day before I get sick (or my period) is a day of clumsiness and dropsies. I get… numb… or something. Weird. I also am bed shopping vicariously through you! I won’t get sick that way…

  27. Shelley

    Oh lord, don’t tell my daughter you’re supposed to test drive a new bed before buying it. (that sentence didn’t sound half as weird when it was still inside my head) When we got her double, we went to Sears without her, said “show us what’s on sale,” and ten minutes later we were swiping the credit card. Let’s now add that to the list of Mother of the Yeaarrrr moves.

  28. Kimmie

    OK—-so now I know why we’re going to spend the next 20 years sleeping on our tiny-13 year old-needs to be replaced NOW bed. I don’t want to go to the furniture store!!!!!!

  29. Florentine

    Okay, I’m the queen of mattress shoppers, having spent months at it earlier this year. Here’s my advice: Order a solid latex mattress online ( is one possible source, and they let you return it if you aren’t happy, although returning it is fairly expensive) and just choose whatever degree of firmness sounds right to you, but fairly firm (solid latex is not cheap but lasts pretty much forever). Then go to Target and buy two ComfyFoam mattress pads (they’re extraordinarily comfortable and very inexpensive—$19.95 for a queensize) to go on top, and then just replace the pads every so often (presumably they will wear out after a few years) and you should be very happy. This is just as comfortable as memory foam, without the expense and without the problems of dealing with how the memory foam is affected by room temperture.

  30. David

    Salesbarnacle…*snork*…you just slay me, Mir!

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