We have a featured appetizer this evening, it’s a delicately placed Hunter Douglas blind over the largest window. It cost entirely too much money when purchased, and now when you attempt to lower it after a crummy day, the cord pops right off and the blind is rendered unusable. It comes with a string of obscenities on the side.
Tonight’s special entree is swamp basement, layered with swirling cardboard and unidentified detritus on top of a flaking concrete surface. It is topped with mysterious hairballs and errant Candyland cards. The chef recommends the swamp basement be paired with a small sump pump and an assortment of buckets. It is best enjoyed in soggy sandals, so as allow your feet to freeze.
For dessert, might I recommend yet a second day of cancelled school, topped with a generous drizzle of ant infestation?
Hi! I am in hell. Oddly enough, I am rapidly approaching the place where I no longer care. Truly. I am full up on the caring! No room left! Sorry! Right now I only have enough energy to drag my sorry self around the house to spray Raid in every corner. I guess the ants didn’t really enjoy the rain so much, either. I feel sort of sorry for them. Except not. Because I’m totally okay with having a basement that smells like swamp decay, but I draw the line at discovering my children “playing” with a bunch of ants in the playroom.
I have discovered the best workout plan for targeting those problem hip/thigh areas. It turns out that bailing water for six hours or so will turn those muscles to twitching jelly. I expect to wake up with the body of a supermodel tomorrow. And that will be useful, because my amazing body may distract people and cause them to cut me a little bit of slack as I wander the streets, babbling incoherently about loamy soil and saturated water tables.
My children amused themselves by… ummm… you know, I have no idea. I’m pretty sure that the television and a lot of dress-up clothing was involved, but other than that, I’m just not sure. I neglected them for most of the day, preferring instead to stomp around in my personal icy swamp, spewing a steady stream of profanity. At one point, a small head poked down the stairs and expressed a belief that it was the noontime hour, and as such, food was in order. I offered to provide some lunch “in a minute,” but Chickadee stepped in and insisted that she could handle it.
So I let her make lunch.
The kitchen may never be the same.
There was a trail of carnage–peanut butter fingerprints, crumbs, empty wrappers, silverware, etc. To her credit, it was a balanced meal. Sandwiches, baby carrots, and apples. With milk. I cleaned up some of the associated mess while on a break from bailing, then went back to basement duty. Later, when I came upstairs, I discovered Chickadee’s plate nearly untouched.
“Why aren’t you eating your lunch?” I asked. It seemed a logical question.
“I don’t like it,” my darling angel answered.
“Uhhhhh,” I replayed recent events in my head. “Didn’t YOU make this lunch? Didn’t YOU pick this lunch??”
“Well, I ate some apple,” she pointed out. “But I don’t like carrots. Monkey does. But I don’t.” Oh, well then. “Also,” she continued, “I forgot to put anything on my bread.” She lifted up the top piece of bread to reveal that yes, she’d not put anything between the slices.
I think that tomorrow I’ll probably make sure to be the one to fix lunch.
Oh, I almost forgot. The children also report that they’d planned to have some yogurt, but they tasted it and it was sour. They did not, however, throw the container out. I wish I knew which one it was.
Anyway, pretty soon I’m going to need to go to sleep, which means I’m going to have to turn off the little pump I have going down there, unless I want to get up every hour or so to check it. I don’t want the motor to burn out or have a short and burn the house down or anything. Although that would be one way to dry things out, I suppose. Six hours of scooping, bailing, and rigging pumps. Another six hours of continuous pumping. And you know what? There’s still a couple of inches of water down there.
Did I mention that it’s still raining?