I’m changing my last name to Amazon

By Mir
November 1, 2005

Today was the kind of day that makes you want to run out into the yard and play ring around the rosey with woodland creatures. Or I suspect it would, for people who aren’t dead inside and somewhat sluggish from the consumption of twelve pounds of candy in the last 24 hours. But suffice it to say that it’s not normally 70 degrees and sunny on November 1st, around here.

What I should’ve done today was rake leaves and tend to my yard. I considered it, actually. Then I came up with a whole list of things I’d rather do than rake. The list included such goodies as accidentally dye my hair black again, step on a rusty nail, cover myself in papercuts and bathe in lemon juice, and crack my elbow on the shelf in my shower. Wait. The cracking my elbow thing was just an accident this morning. And it hurt like hell. Anyway, I was not inclined to rake, because I know that soon all of that stuff with be underneath snow where no one can see it. And as we all know, things we cannot see don’t exist. Lalalala!

Nevertheless, a gorgeous day like today called for something special. Today was not the sort of day to be wasted inside. I decided to go to the dump.

I am such a high society wench.

I gathered up all of my cans and bottles and jars… and newspapers… and magazines… and catalogs. They filled a small bus. Then I turned to behold the wall of cardboard boxes lining my garage. Ah, what the heck. It’s a nice day. I’ll break down some boxes and take ’em to the dump, get them out of here.

As I broke down box after box (after box after box after box after… you get the idea), I came to the conclusion that I get a lot of stuff sent to me in boxes. Of course, if you order a board game from Amazon you’re likely to receive it in four different boxes because Amazon is in favor of killing trees and also packaging things in the most bizarre manner possible. Then I have an assortment of boxes from other places… clothes for the kids… eBay stuff… I have no idea, but apparently I should consider shopping at an actual store instead of through the shiny box on my desk, sometime.

I like the part where I don’t have to drive anywhere or deal with any actual humans. But I don’t enjoy the part where half my garage is filled with boxes. Hmph.

Eventually I set off to the dump, my heart filled with joy at the prospect of emptying my house of all this useless junk. I sorted everything into the appropriate recycling stations and then promptly filled my car up with books at the book shed. And some Pokemon board game that looks to me like it will cause my eyeballs to bleed, but which will cause Monkey to reel from sheer joy.

[Sidebar: At what point am I allowed to say I DO NOT CARE TO ENCOURAGE MY CHILDREN TO READ and stop actually enabling them in their frighteningly poor taste in literature? I’ve already discussed the insipidness of the Pokemon books. But the only way I can, in good conscience, bring home Mary-Kate and Ashley books for Chickadee is to demand that she eat something fattening while she reads them.]

So, net-net, I freed up a couple of cubic inches, maybe. Which totally meant I was due for a trip to Target.

I went there to pick up my prescriptions, honest. That other stuff… just… jumped into my cart. That was a REALLY GOOD PRICE for Honey Bunches of Oats. And that other stuff. And despite having brought home ten pounds of candy apiece last night, the children had nary an atomic fireball between the two of them, which was a TRAVESTY. And candy was 50% off and we have plenty of candy but COME ON. No fireballs?? That’s like not having a tree for Christmas.

It came to me in a flash why I’m actually much safer shopping through the computer. I’m much less likely to throw random stuff in my cart.

However, when I get home from Target, it’s a lot easier to ball up and throw away the evidence.

So you can see, it was a pretty exciting day. I had to eat a couple of peanut butter cups just to relax.


  1. Carol

    I’m currently attempting to get a job at Target just so all the stuff that jumps into my cart while I’m there will at least come with a discount.

    Must have the Target discount.

  2. Jess in Nova Scotia

    What is with all the missing candy this year? Not one of those tasty honey caramels that come in the funny waxy orange or black wrappers came into the treat bags, and no vanilla flavoured tootsie rolls. It’s enough to send a mom shrieking to the 70% off candy bins…

  3. buffi

    What IS with Amazon & their odd shipping rituals? I was sending some books to my cousin’s daughter (who is going thru chemo – just to up the “awwww” factor) and they shipped one book, then said that the rest was delayed because it was going to “an area affected by Hurricane Katrina.” Um, no. Then? They shipped the remaining three books in two separate parts (on the same day!) as well. Soooo messed up.

    BTW, I finally started eating candy today. And now I cannot stop. Thanks Mir. Thanks a lot!

  4. ben

    I love how sometimes you’ll get this huuuuge box and of course 80% of it is those cute little airbags (they always makes me think of boob jobs. Dunno why) and your item is sitting in one corner – the only corner that got smushed, so your item is now broken.

    It IS fun to get the e-mail about how your shipment has been delayed one day after your shipment has arrived at your house.

  5. Amy

    Now that I think of it, NO fireballs were given out to my children. Pity. I have however, been known to buy them in bulk. 5 lbs. Over the internet. They last for quite a few months that way.

  6. Melanie Lynne Hauser

    Oh, man! I am SERIOUSLY overdue for a Target run. (And I personally think that leaves, left to over-winter underneath snow, can officially be classified as mulch, and as such are good for your lawn. That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it.)

  7. Jennifer

    Target is both the bane of my existence and my reason for living. I have a Canadien friend who just traveled “south of the border” and lost her Targetvirginity. A sad rite of passage for her husband, I fear.

  8. osteff

    OMG. I did the Target thing too…my rational (to buy 2 packages each of mini oreos, teddy grahams, peanut butter ritz, and animal crackers) was they are for the boys lunches. At $1.14 a bag I must stock up!
    After my pantry exploded, I gave two bags to the neighbor.

  9. Nothing But Bonfires

    You know, eBay might be catchier for the name change. Though you’d have a hell of a time trying to get the people at the DMV to spell the “e” in lower case on your driver’s license.

  10. Brenda

    Oh, Target, my joy and downfall!

    I’m amazed by the shoppers that don’t know that the endcaps by the walls are where all the clearance merchandise is. I scored a totally cool Halloween lotion dispenser (white with a purple spider and black web) for twenty-nine cents after Halloween last year.

    I actually like to get in a long line at the checkout, because I then start rethinking everything in my cart that wasn’t on the shopping list. I have been known to leave a dozen or more items on vacant checkout stands at Target on my way to the register.

    I know they hate me, but I keep going back! Please, somebody, help me!

  11. Aimee

    Silly Mir! There’s always room for more books (and Target merchandise). I know that’s what I do every time I clear out all my old Amazon boxes. Free space is overrated.

  12. Amy-GO

    Ahhh, target. I’m incapable of leaving that store with any money in my wallet. They just have EVERYTHING, and so much of it I like!
    But the dump? Um, no. :)

  13. Carolyn

    Once I got 500(or so) cans of sauerkraut for 17 cents a piece! It was on the endcap, I love the clearence endcaps at Target!!

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