It may be time to give up sleeping

By Mir
October 17, 2005

I’ve been running about three hours behind ALL DAY. Could someone please find me a few extra hours? Pretty please? Also, it would be good if someone would be kind enough to get the “Nookie” earworm out of my head. I do hereby solemnly swear that I most certainly did NOT take that cookie and stick it up my… ummm… anything. I just ATE the cookie. And by cookie I mean COOKIE, nothing else. Sheesh.

So, uh, by way of illustration, I’ll just mention that I got the kids off to school and then worked feverishly in my pajamas until… umm… lunchtime. Then I had a shower and put on real clothes and made a sandwich and worked until it was time to get them. Then we came home and I threw them outside to play so I could work some more. I stopped for a while to attend to dinner and homework and showers and reading and bedtime, then resumed work once again until… ummm… just now. And I need to get back to it.

Procrastination + deadlines = Mir needing MUCH MORE caffeine

So I was putting away the dinner leftovers tonight (you know, at 10:15 when I suddenly realized I’d never cleaned up)… and I was pondering that whole inverse relationship between the energy you put into fixing food and the likelihood of your kids eating it. Tonight’s dinner was quite delicious, if I do say so myself. We had broiled tilapia (“tilapia” being Spanish for “bland and agreeable white fish which can be purchased in 4 pound boxes of individually vacuum-sealed filets for your convenience”), seasoned roasted potatoes, and caesar salad.

The children ate, in order of consumption and preference:
1) The salad (which required… ummm… scissors, to open the bag)
2) The fish (I did mix up a topping for it, but it only takes 6 minutes to cook!)
3) The potatoes (which I’d washed, cut, seasoned, and roasted)

See how that works? The more time I spend on it, the less of it they’ll eat. Truthfully, the only reason they ate ANY of it was because there was CAKE to be had. After church on Sunday a large slab of really good cake left over from coffee hour was thrust upon me, and I brought it home to use as bait.

Monkey: What’s for dinner?
Me: Tilapia, and salad, and potatoes.
Monkey: I don’t want that.
Me: You like tilapia.
Monkey: No I don’t.
Me: Yes, you do. I’ve made it a bunch of times and you like it.
Monkey: No I don’t.
Me: Fine, you don’t.
Monkey: Yeah.
Me: There’s cake for dessert.
Monkey: Oh, did you say TILAPIA? I love tilapia! And CAKE!

Chickadee: What’s for dinner?
Me: Slugs. And mud. Maybe some sticks, for fiber.
Chickadee: Mama! What’s for dinner REALLY?
Me: Tilapia, and salad, and potatoes.
Chickadee: I’m hungry NOW.
Me: We’ll be eating in half an hour.
Chickadee: Can I have a snack?
Me: We’ll be eating in… yes, you may have a piece of fruit.
Chickadee: Like what?
Me: Like… a piece of fruit. An apple, a pear, some grapes. I think there’s fruit cups in the cupboard.
Chickadee: Can I have a fruit cup and a pear?
Me: Both?
Chickadee: Yeah, I’m HUNGRY.
Me: We’re eating in half an hour. Pick ONE, please.
Chickadee: But I’m huuuuuuuungry!
Me: There’s cake for dessert.
Chickadee: Okay, I’ll just eat the fruit cup.

Needless to say, there weren’t any leftovers of the cake. Which totally sucks, because I already ate all the cookies and a piece of cake goes really well with coffee and impending deadlines.

And just for random fun, here’s an only slightly embellished phone call I had today with a customer service rep at… ummm… a large children’s clothing store.

Phone Recording: Thank you for calling The Kids’ Spot! In order to assist you better, please listen to our menu. Press 1 if you’re calling about an online order.
Phone Recording: Did you know that you can check the status of your order online??? Let me give you that web address with the utmost perkiness and perhaps you’ll hang up the phone. Okay, press 1 if you want to place a new order. Press 2 if you’re calling to inquire about an existing order that has not yet shipped. Press 3 if you’re calling to complain about an order already shipped and we’ll be sure to put you at the end of the phone queue behind 100 other pissed off people waiting to talk to our lone customer service rep.
Phone Recording: We are experiencing an unusually high call volume! Please stay on the line, sucker! Blah blah blah blah blah….
[I kid you not–my phone has a call timer, and I was on hold for 28 minutes.]
Customer Service Rep: Thank you for calling The Kids’ Spot, how may I help you?
Me: Hi, I’m calling about an order I received. *crickets chirp* Would you like the order number?
CSR: Yes ma’am, I can take that number from you.
Me: Okay, it’s 123456789. I placed the order on September 28th, and I didn’t receive it until this past Friday. And it was missing items.
CSR: I’m sorry to hear that. Let me tap ineffectually on my keyboard for several hours, please. *time stops* Okay, what items were you missing?
Me: The shirts…?
CSR: Oh yes, I see here right above my game of Tetris that your shirts were not shipped. Well, ma’am, you were not charged for those items.
Me: I’m aware that I wasn’t charged for them. But the order took over 2 weeks to ship and I wasn’t notified that I wouldn’t be receiving the entire order. *crickets chirp* Um, look, I’m a pretty loyal customer, I order with you often and this is not the level of service I’m accustomed to. Do you think I could have a shipping credit or something?
CSR: How about if I credit you the shipping for that order, ma’am?
Me: Wow, that’s a great idea. Let’s do that.
CSR: Alright, ma’am, I have credited that shipping amount back to you. Can I not exactly help you with anything else today?
Me: Nope, that’ll do it. Thanks very much.
CSR: Thank you for calling The Kids’ Spot. Enjoy what’s left of your day.

Yes, I really REALLY wanted my $5 back. 32 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back… for $5. I’m a GENIUS.


  1. divinecalm

    I guess you could look on the bright side that you were able to talk to a real person (well, perhaps “real” isn’t exactly the right word). I seem to be always getting the black hole of automated voice recordings where you never get any answers and dialing zero starts over the process.

  2. DebR

    Maybe instead of asking to have your shipping charge refunded you should’ve insisted that they send you cake!

  3. monkey!

    I think that my “customer service” to TiVo tops this one…1 hour and 45 minutes on hold after slogging through a tangled “phone tree” for no satisfaction, no refund and no cake. Do you think they get their reps from the same place?

  4. Amy-GO

    Aren’t customer service reps FABULOUS? I don’t understand why some companies don’t just have all their calls answered by a recording…”we’re sorry, we don’t care. We won’t care later, either. We already have your money, so you’re out of luck. Goodbye.” It would save so much time!

  5. MamaPajama

    My daughter and I always had snake guts and okra for dinner. That was the catch all phrase for “what ever you can find in the freezer.”

  6. Crystal

    I know what The Kids’ Spot is!! I buy all of my kids’ clothes there, even though the closest store is AN HOUR away, because normally the web site takes care of my needs. But lately? NOT CUTTING IT. I logged on the other day to find ONE GREEN BODYSUIT in the baby girls section. Nothing else, just a lone pea green BODYSUIT, which is unacceptable for a toddler who has to use the POTTY. Needless to say this was the last straw, and I held for the lone customer service rep, when she finished playing Tetris she snottily told me they were moving their warehouse, and the site would be back to normal soon. I drove the HOUR to the nearest store, and lost my shit on the poor cashier, who was sweet as pie about it. Of course, I also spent $150, because quality clothes at that price is something I can’t pass up. Still gotta have cute kids, you know. Bah. Sorry for ranting, couldn’t help it. Glad you got your $5 back.

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