Do you know what today is? WELL DO YOU??? Today is… ummm… hell, I don’t know what today is. What I DO know is that in Retail Land today is THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR HALLOWEEN! Or something like that. It’s that delightful time of year when you cannot walk into your favorite consumer establishment without being assaulted by row upon row of sacks of delicious lard confections! And they are VALUE PRICED; just a couple of dollars for lots and lots of tiny treats which you can eat by the handful, because each one–on its own–is far too small to have any calories.
I am powerless against the lure of the tiny Butterfingers. They call to me with their siren song and I say to myself, “Self, you do not require any of the adorable little Butterfingers. They should call them Butterbuttcheeks. Resist!” My self is a very good listener on the way INTO the store, and THROUGH the store, and yet, SOMEHOW, a bag of Butterfingers ended up in line with me on my way OUT. Go figure.
And these are not “fun sized” or “FUN SIZED,” either. No. These are VERY SPECIAL Butterfingers which are fun sIZed. I feel that the funky disregard for capitalization conventions is enhancing my overall Butterfinger experience. Also I feel a little sick, because I’ve had a whole bunch of them.
Regardless, I’ve decided that many things in my life right now will be similarly enhanced by the fun sIZe moniker, so I am adopting it as my personal pet label for the day. I shall love it and hug it and squeeze it and call it George, provided that it doesn’t ask me to share my fun sIZe Butterfingers with it.
Know what else is fun sIZed? My hair. [Lord, I know, could I maybe SHUT UP about my hair already? No, apparently I cannot. I am still in mourning. Be gentle. Just nod and murmur and eventually I will stop, once I’ve recovered.] Yes! My hair is now the new fun sIZe version! It is little and cute and fewer calories than before!
So here is what I am enjoying about my new fun sIZe hairdo:
1) My showering time has been cut in HALF.
2) I can fix my hair in about five minutes, once I figure out what the heck I’m doing.
3) When I am playing Wrestlemania 2005 with Monkey he can no longer take me down by ripping off hunks of scalp.
4) So. Many. Compliments. I know this is because it is NEW and DIFFERENT, but I shall pretend it’s because I look good. (Seriously, after someone gasps and says “YOU CUT YOUR HAIR!” they can’t really follow it with “I liked it better before” unless they’re under 12 or so.)
Here is what doesn’t thrill me about my fun sIZe hair:
1) I wake up looking like the Heat Miser. I scared myself this morning.
2) When I started straightening my (long) hair I paid a kajillion dollars for a huge-barrelled ionic round brush. I tried to use that brush this morning and it laughed at me, as I no longer have enough hair to wrap around it. I had to go steal Chickadee’s (much smaller)… dare I say it? fun sIZe round brush. She was not amused.
3) My face, it’s all, you know, EXPOSED. I feel compelled to wear make-up, which is–as we all know–a sign of the apocalypse.
4) Do you know what is NOT fun sIZe? All the grey hair which used to hide a whole lot better before. Nice ‘N’ Easy, here I come.
And you know, my stylist cannot resist the opportunity to sell me PRODUCT. Every hairstyle is about having the right product for the job! New hairstyle, new product. I used to buy various straightening products (which I’ll still use) that come in normal-size containers. But my NEW PRODUCT–I bet you’ll never guess! It comes in an adorable fun sIZe container! In fact, I was going to find a picture of it, but I guess the container was recently redesigned, because I can’t find a pic that looks the same. But I did find a site for the “Short Sexy Hair” line which this is a part of, and it triumphantly declares
Short Sexy Hair is a sign of the times. It says “I’m confident. I’m assured. Passion is my main stay. It’s starting to rule the boardroom as well as the bedroom.”
(Uuhhhhh… let’s see. I’m confident and assured and passionate, but I’m pretty sure “mainstay” is one word. Also, it wouldn’t hurt my feelings any if I NEVER saw the inside of another boardroom… and my bedroom is kinda dusty. Some ruler I am, eh?)
Anyway, this stuff, it’s fabulous. (It should be, for what I paid and how teeny the container is.) The line is called “Short Sexy Hair,” as I mentioned, and this particular product is called “Quick Change Shaping Balm.” Good stuff. And good marketing, too. Because originally, they wanted to go a whole different way. The line was called “Short Oh My God What The Hell Did I Do, Cutting Off All My Hair” at first, but then, you see, they had to sell it in a much larger container to fit all the print. Plus, instead of “Quick Change Shaping Balm” it was going to be called “Quick I Look Like a Deformed Space Mushroom, HELP ME.” I believe in truth in advertising, but I think they made the smart choice with the revisions, nonetheless.
In summary: fun sIZe hair requires fun sIZe products. And often, multiple fun sIZe candy bars.
I had one more entertaining fun sIZe encounter today. [Stop. If you are an editor with whom I am currently working, stop reading. Or accept my disclaimer right now that I am totally making this up! Yes, that’s it!] I dutifully went off to Radio Shack today to buy the “suction cup thingie” I can use to record phone calls. It went off without a hitch. I arrived home only to discover that between the four available cassette recorders and two computers here in my house, I didn’t possess a single machine capable of utilizing the device I’d just bought. Not. One. I did, however, have many fine horizontal and vertical surfaces suitable for banging my head!
But, hey, this was an opportunity. I should have a proper voice recorder, anyway. It’s, um, journalistic and, um, stuff. So! Back out again! Did you know that voice recorders are not only wee and squee, but they hide in the electronics section and people look at you like you’ve just asked where you could please buy 8-tracks when you’re inquiring about finding them. After finally locating the recorders, I picked out the very cutest (and least expensive, yet having the features I need) one to call my own. It is DEFINITELY fun sIZed. And it runs on boxes of Tic-Tacs!
Hey, do you suppose that if I don’t brush my teeth tonight, the bits of Butterfingers in my teeth will keep my mouthguard from falling out in the night? Hmmmm… the FUN, it just NEVER ENDS!!