Do you know what today is? WELL DO YOU??? Today is… ummm… hell, I don’t know what today is. What I DO know is that in Retail Land today is THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR HALLOWEEN! Or something like that. It’s that delightful time of year when you cannot walk into your favorite consumer establishment without being assaulted by row upon row of sacks of delicious lard confections! And they are VALUE PRICED; just a couple of dollars for lots and lots of tiny treats which you can eat by the handful, because each one–on its own–is far too small to have any calories.
I am powerless against the lure of the tiny Butterfingers. They call to me with their siren song and I say to myself, “Self, you do not require any of the adorable little Butterfingers. They should call them Butterbuttcheeks. Resist!” My self is a very good listener on the way INTO the store, and THROUGH the store, and yet, SOMEHOW, a bag of Butterfingers ended up in line with me on my way OUT. Go figure.
And these are not “fun sized” or “FUN SIZED,” either. No. These are VERY SPECIAL Butterfingers which are fun sIZed. I feel that the funky disregard for capitalization conventions is enhancing my overall Butterfinger experience. Also I feel a little sick, because I’ve had a whole bunch of them.
Regardless, I’ve decided that many things in my life right now will be similarly enhanced by the fun sIZe moniker, so I am adopting it as my personal pet label for the day. I shall love it and hug it and squeeze it and call it George, provided that it doesn’t ask me to share my fun sIZe Butterfingers with it.
Know what else is fun sIZed? My hair. [Lord, I know, could I maybe SHUT UP about my hair already? No, apparently I cannot. I am still in mourning. Be gentle. Just nod and murmur and eventually I will stop, once I’ve recovered.] Yes! My hair is now the new fun sIZe version! It is little and cute and fewer calories than before!
So here is what I am enjoying about my new fun sIZe hairdo:
1) My showering time has been cut in HALF.
2) I can fix my hair in about five minutes, once I figure out what the heck I’m doing.
3) When I am playing Wrestlemania 2005 with Monkey he can no longer take me down by ripping off hunks of scalp.
4) So. Many. Compliments. I know this is because it is NEW and DIFFERENT, but I shall pretend it’s because I look good. (Seriously, after someone gasps and says “YOU CUT YOUR HAIR!” they can’t really follow it with “I liked it better before” unless they’re under 12 or so.)
Here is what doesn’t thrill me about my fun sIZe hair:
1) I wake up looking like the Heat Miser. I scared myself this morning.
2) When I started straightening my (long) hair I paid a kajillion dollars for a huge-barrelled ionic round brush. I tried to use that brush this morning and it laughed at me, as I no longer have enough hair to wrap around it. I had to go steal Chickadee’s (much smaller)… dare I say it? fun sIZe round brush. She was not amused.
3) My face, it’s all, you know, EXPOSED. I feel compelled to wear make-up, which is–as we all know–a sign of the apocalypse.
4) Do you know what is NOT fun sIZe? All the grey hair which used to hide a whole lot better before. Nice ‘N’ Easy, here I come.
And you know, my stylist cannot resist the opportunity to sell me PRODUCT. Every hairstyle is about having the right product for the job! New hairstyle, new product. I used to buy various straightening products (which I’ll still use) that come in normal-size containers. But my NEW PRODUCT–I bet you’ll never guess! It comes in an adorable fun sIZe container! In fact, I was going to find a picture of it, but I guess the container was recently redesigned, because I can’t find a pic that looks the same. But I did find a site for the “Short Sexy Hair” line which this is a part of, and it triumphantly declares
Short Sexy Hair is a sign of the times. It says “I’m confident. I’m assured. Passion is my main stay. It’s starting to rule the boardroom as well as the bedroom.”
(Uuhhhhh… let’s see. I’m confident and assured and passionate, but I’m pretty sure “mainstay” is one word. Also, it wouldn’t hurt my feelings any if I NEVER saw the inside of another boardroom… and my bedroom is kinda dusty. Some ruler I am, eh?)
Anyway, this stuff, it’s fabulous. (It should be, for what I paid and how teeny the container is.) The line is called “Short Sexy Hair,” as I mentioned, and this particular product is called “Quick Change Shaping Balm.” Good stuff. And good marketing, too. Because originally, they wanted to go a whole different way. The line was called “Short Oh My God What The Hell Did I Do, Cutting Off All My Hair” at first, but then, you see, they had to sell it in a much larger container to fit all the print. Plus, instead of “Quick Change Shaping Balm” it was going to be called “Quick I Look Like a Deformed Space Mushroom, HELP ME.” I believe in truth in advertising, but I think they made the smart choice with the revisions, nonetheless.
In summary: fun sIZe hair requires fun sIZe products. And often, multiple fun sIZe candy bars.
I had one more entertaining fun sIZe encounter today. [Stop. If you are an editor with whom I am currently working, stop reading. Or accept my disclaimer right now that I am totally making this up! Yes, that’s it!] I dutifully went off to Radio Shack today to buy the “suction cup thingie” I can use to record phone calls. It went off without a hitch. I arrived home only to discover that between the four available cassette recorders and two computers here in my house, I didn’t possess a single machine capable of utilizing the device I’d just bought. Not. One. I did, however, have many fine horizontal and vertical surfaces suitable for banging my head!
But, hey, this was an opportunity. I should have a proper voice recorder, anyway. It’s, um, journalistic and, um, stuff. So! Back out again! Did you know that voice recorders are not only wee and squee, but they hide in the electronics section and people look at you like you’ve just asked where you could please buy 8-tracks when you’re inquiring about finding them. After finally locating the recorders, I picked out the very cutest (and least expensive, yet having the features I need) one to call my own. It is DEFINITELY fun sIZed. And it runs on boxes of Tic-Tacs!
Hey, do you suppose that if I don’t brush my teeth tonight, the bits of Butterfingers in my teeth will keep my mouthguard from falling out in the night? Hmmmm… the FUN, it just NEVER ENDS!!
So much to love about this post, Mir!
I noticed the Halloween this week, too. Only at the grocery store today, I discovered that the Halloween candy is on the same aisle with the diabetic foods. How very, very cruel!
Well, if you ask my friend, Copper, she might tell you about the time my boss (who was not her boss) told her that although people may say that they like her normally corkscrew hair straight, as she’s been wearing it lately, that often people just say that, but don’t mean it. And the funny pary is, we worked in a touchy-feely, ultra sensitive environment where the slightest slight would be exploded like a volcano under a magnifying glass and then subjected to “counseling.” All this to say, if someone only remarked that you’d cut your hair, they like it.
Ohmigod, like, I use Quick Change, too! I totally love that stuff!
Hey, what’s wrong with the Heat Miser? I style my hair somewhat like his – deliberately! What’s wrong with that? No brushing or drying required! Just Quick Change and GO! Go where? To the store, of course, to buy more fun sIZe Butterfingers!
Oooh Heat Miser! I like Heat Miser! “I’m Mr Heat Miser, I’m Mr Sun…”
Yep. That’s what I’m taking away from this excellent post – the Heat Miser song as an earworm. It’s definitely time to go to sleep now.
What a nice, fun sIZed post to wake up to, girlie!
Banging your head against things is MUCH easier with your new fun sIZed hairdo, too. There’s nothing better than convenience in that respect, especially when there’s a Monkey on your back!
(haha! get it! Monkey on your back! Oh I kill me…)
Have fun with your new Tic-Tac machine, and please do not ever call me. Mkay? Thanks!
I love your short hair. I’m a short haired freak, though. As for only 12 year olds following up with “I liked it better long,”. . . I wish! My mother has been telling me how awful my short, brown hair looks for the past five years. I had long blonde hair before and she mourns it at every opportunity.
I just want to know why stores not only have Halloween stuff out, but they also have Christmas stuff out! It’s insane.
Thanks for a super-sized (not fun-sized) laugh this morning.
Runs on tic tacs was just icing. You had me at Butterfingers.
J
I had the same experience trying to buy a voice recorder.
“A WHAT? We don’t have those.”
“Um, yes you do; they’re RIGHT HERE.”
My hair is so fun sIZed that I don’t even need a brush anymore. I do have some Short Sexy Hair product — “Hard Up”, I think it’s called, what a sexy name — that I scored off the clearance rack for 75 cents. Short hair does require the discipline of a firm product. I swear, I woke up this morning looking like Big Boy (remember Big Boy? The giant scary plaster sculpture in the Big Boy restaurants?) with a huge curl of hair swooping up off my forehead.
If you start to feel self-conscious about your hair, I’ve discovered a great way to distract people from looking at it. Wear a bikini top! A few days ago, I posted a picture of myself and my son on the beach on my blog, and not one person commented on the fact that the wind was making my hair stand up in a freaky penumbra around my head. No, they were too busy looking at my boobs. Why bother styling?
I’m trying to circumvent the temptation of fun sIZed candy bars by not bring out the usual Halloween/Autumn candy holders I have stored in the attic. You know, that giant glass pumpkin that’s a candy dish, etc. (I’ll let you know if this works or not.)
And as the proud owner of fun sIZed hair, I have to agree that in the morning, you do look like you’ve just stuck your finger in a an electric socket. It’s easy to style once you shower, but you definitely can’t go anywhere until you do. Which kind of bites.
Would you please retake and post the infamous “WTF did I do?” photo with a similar one while smiling?
Please be sure to remove any Butterfinger crumbs from between your teeth. I want to see what you look like happy and at least partially satisfied but not like one of those safari movies where the lioness is always shown licking her chops after feeding on some tasty morsel.
By the way, what do the kids think of your new doo?
Having had to cover those pesky gray roots for a while now (it’s only the roots, really), I’ve gotten tons of compliments since I switched to L’Oreal Feria color. Shiny, pretty hair. So shiny, so pretty, and with a low-cut top no one notices the Butterfinger crumbs in my teeth.
I personally crave the snickerthighs, although butterbuttcheeks runs a close second. Kitt Kabooses are okay in a pinch.
Also – you now have a fun sIZed hairdo to go with a fun sIZed Mir! (size 4 – do they have to tie you down in a strong wind?) I’ll bet your head feels 2 pounds lighter. You’re probably always overcorrecting when you move your head – it just zips around now. They should issue head restraints when they scalp people like that. Its a whiplash waiting to happen.
Overcorrecting! BAH! Bob you cracked my head right off with that one!