How am I a moron?

By Mir
September 21, 2005

Let me count the ways!

Clarification the first: Petty, yes. Unimportant in the grand scheme–absolutely. I’m back to that whole thing where I feel safer complaining than extolling the virtues of the things which are well. It’s a sickness. I’m aware. Shut up.

Clarification the second: Busy. Busy busy busy. This is all I’ve got for you. What, you’d rather I just skip posting so that you can wonder if I’m curled up in the corner, rocking back and forth while sobbing into my now-detached ponytail? Hush up and be grateful. Plus I am not admitting to anything.

So. As if any (more) proof was needed:

1) Picture day? Wednesday. Yes. Today IS Wednesday. Oddly enough, there is a Wednesday NEXT week, as well, and that just happens to be the one when they’re having pictures. At least Monkey announced to everyone who looked at him, today, “I am extra handsome today because Mama put GEL in my hair! See?”

2) Remember my mouthguard? Only $12? I kept waking up and having to hunt for it. On account of it was never actually, you know, IN MY MOUTH even though I was pretty sure that’s where I’d left it, the previous night. A smart person would’ve been grateful not to have spent too much money, and moved on. Not me. I bought another one! For a lot more money! Which also tends not to stay in my mouth.

3) I’m sorry… did I… cut off all my hair this morning? Because…? Oh.

4) I actually bought a t-shirt today that says “Brunettes can shop and talk at the same time.” Okay, no–this doesn’t make me a moron. It just makes me a dork.

5) I set aside all my bills and then sit down and pay them all at once. I paid bills tonight. Apparently I also set aside a notice of a meeting I was supposed to be at. Yesterday. Um… oops.

6) I watched this tonight. I’m pretty sure my IQ dropped at least 20 points.

7) Here is a typical conversation I like to have with myself:
Naive Voice: What’s that?
Voice of Reason: I believe it’s a can of worms. Leave it alone.
NV: But… can they BREATHE in there? Poor things! Let’s LET THEM OUT!
VoR: You are too stupid to live. Step away.
NV: But they are so CUTE and WRITHE-Y and PLENTIFUL! Let’s see HOW MANY there are!
VoR: Kill. Me.
NV: Oops! Look at that! Worms everywhere! What were you saying?
VoR: Nothing. I was just slitting my wrists.

I’m sure I could be dumber. Sometimes it’s just hard to think of how.


  1. Chickie

    For problem 2) – duct tape is your answer. And you can get it in all kinds of colors to match your pajamas.

  2. udge

    What happens to the mouthguards? You aren’t swallowing them in your sleep, are you?

    Spend the money, get a properly-fitted one. It’ll be cheaper in the long run.

  3. Jules

    Wait…you let me trash myself for watching that dancing with the stars BS…and you watched THAT?

  4. ~L.

    I’m also a moron. But about the mouthguard — you are NOT a moron. At least no more than me. Because I actually got a properly fitted one, and I managed to spit it out every night. I NEVER woke up with the damn thing in, and it was a lot of money.

    But, you might try checking the end of the bed under the covers…

  5. Amy-GO

    1. You’re not stupid, you’re BRILLIANT! Picture day dress rehearsal = great idea!
    2. But I thought the problem was you grind your teeth? So at least you know you are opening your mouth long enough to spit out the mouthguard. PROGRESS!
    3. Your hair looks divine. Enough said.
    5.This is not stupidity, this is an ACCIDENT. Cut self one break now and then, please.
    7.WHAT can of worms? Inquiring minds want to know.;)

  6. KimberlyDi

    I always took prenatal vitamins to grow back my hair faster. I’m not sure if it worked but it seemed to. You don’t need to have long hair though. You look chic with the short hair.

  7. DebR

    “I’m sure I could be dumber. Sometimes it’s just hard to think of how.”

    Well…You could’ve forgotten picture day instead of getting mixed up on the date, thereby distressing Monkey by sending him to school un-handsomed.

    You could’ve shaved your head.

    You could’ve bought a t-shirt that said “Blonde: It’s the New Black”, when you’re, you know, not blonde.

    You could’ve auditioned for That Show instead of just watching it.

    You could’ve forgotten the bills altogether until your utility services started disappearing.

    You could’ve eaten the worms after you opened the can.

    Sounds to me like you’ve been pretty sensible.

    What do the kids think of the new Do? I bet they think you’re pretty.

  8. sleepingmommy

    Can I just say this is the kind of month, no make that YEAR I’ve been having?

    I’m so glad I’m not alone.

  9. Rae

    As for the mouthguard, that actually stops over time. I “tossed my shoe” for about two weeks or so, because unconsciously your mouth isn’t used to having anything in it when you sleep, so you revolt and it comes out in your sleep. Keep trying, it took me a couple of weeks of consistent use to get used to it, now I can’t sleep without it.

  10. Dawn

    Your VoR and NV sound just like mine. Same results. As long as I am on the planet, dear Mir, you are safe from being crowned Moron, Queen of Dumb. You may be princess, but I’ve got the throne all wrapped up…

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