Orally distracted

By Mir
September 12, 2005

Know what we’re not gonna talk about today? We are not gonna talk about the state of my leg. Nope. We’re not gonna address how my doctor’s assurances that I probably wouldn’t have another allergic reaction were, um, optimistic. There is no need to discuss the damage a single yellow jacket sting has wraught on my hapless (and apparently wimpy) body.

Thank goodness we don’t need to talk about THAT! Phew!

You know what I find to be an excellent distraction, at times like this? Putting things in my mouth! Too bad I don’t have a boyfriend! (To… ummm… make dinner for, of course.)

I made a really nice dinner tonight. Kid-friendly, even. Well, I thought it was. (There is no such thing as a Monkey-friendly meal, I’m afraid, unless one is planning to serve nothing but an assortment of pop-tarts.) All of the food groups were represented, and it was quite healthy if you conveniently overlook the pound of brown sugar that went into the chicken glaze.

Renowned food critics Chickadee and Monkey made short work of their assessment of tonight’s fare.

Faced with the candied chicken breasts….
This is yummy! I love this!
Monkey: This looks yucky. It has too much sauce. I hate sauce.

Faced with organic whole-wheat couscous….
*hoovering sounds as she inhaled her body weight’s worth*
Monkey: This is NOT like rice. It’s different. And yucky.

Faced with peas and corn in an herbed butter sauce….
Peas AND corn! WOW! Mmmmm.
Monkey: I can’t eat them TOGETHER. Why did you mix them? Now they’re yucky.

Faced with the offer of dessert….
*displaying an empty plate* May I please have dessert now?
Monkey: Okay. What do I need to eat to get dessert? I could eat a few bites of chicken. But none of that other yucky stuff. But only if I get dessert.

It’s a wonder I don’t cook more often.

* * * * *

After dinner, I started opening the mail. My new mouthguard arrived! Nope, not the fancy schmancy one my dentist recommended… the reasonable facsimile I was able to obtain online for about $12. So. I opened up my kit and read the directions and started boiling water. You know, just in case someone decided to have a baby in my kitchen. Or because the directions told me to do it. Once the water reached a boil, I removed the pot from the burner and waited 30 seconds, then dropped the mouthguard into the water for 80 seconds. Then I dodged two small children asking lots of questions and generally being underfoot to sprint to the bathroom with my warm, steamy mouthguard (ooh! ahh!) to follow the fitting directions in front of the mirror.

The good news is that my mouthguard is now custom-fitted to my gigantic, grinding teeth, and I didn’t melt my lips off in the process. The bad news is that, well, it’s a mouthguard, and I look and feel like a moron while wearing it. I’m wearing it RIGHT NOW! The instrutions suggest wearing it for a couple of hours before bed, the first night, to get used to it. I can tell you right now that I am NEVER going to get used to having my mouth full of plastic polymer while my lips are now unable to meet without herculean effort. Maybe after a while you just lose the will to live and no longer care.

[“Hi, I’m Mir. I used to grind and clench my teeth to the point of cracking them. Now I use Boil-A-Guard to protect my teeth. That’s why I’m slackjawed and drooling, and run away at the slightest sign of human contact, but my teeth are in FABULOUS SHAPE!”]

I fully expect to wake up to one of two possibilities tomorrow morning:
1) I wake up relaxed and refreshed, with the mouthguard MIA.
2) I wake up drenched in my own drool, having slept a grand total of two hours inbetween trying to CLOSE MY MOUTH.

It would be sort of suspenseful if it was a little less disgusting.

* * * * *

Of course, I couldn’t be expected to survive from dinner until now with nothing to put in my mouth. LUCKILY, I didn’t have to! Because GUESS what else came in the mail today! (Ewwwww. You’re sick.)

The most beautiful and fabulous Amy-GO sent me a PIE! Because I am special. And also because I like pie. And because she is a nice lady. And because this pie is so very evil, I would readily believe that it spoke to her, demanding first to be baked and then to be spread throughout the country to unfold its evil across the land.

Yes, it’s evil. Evil so good. Gah, I’m drooling again. Probably the mouthguard. Anyway, this pie, it’s pecan pie with CHOCOLATE and HEROIN and STEROIDS. Or maybe bourbon. Details.

Speaking of details, Amy was kind enough to send me special instructions on pie consumption:

1) Pie is best served warm. WARM, not hot. Hot will make the pie…melt.
1a) If the pie melts, it will still taste fantastic. It will just be messier.
1b) Pie is also pretty darn good ice cold. I’m just sayin’.
2) Pie is also best with whipped cream.
2a) OR, cool whip.
2b) OR, vanilla ice cream.
2c) Frankly, all by its lonesome is just hunky-dory, too. Again, just sayin’.

Not wanting to taint my proper enjoyment of this pie in any way, I had a little bit that I broke off the piece I cut (cold and plain), then warmed it in the microwave and had another smidge (warm and plain), then topped what was left with both vanilla ice cream and whipped cream. I’m fairly certain I was able to maximize the experience, based upon the way I lay on the kitchen floor, afterwards, gasping and twitching with pleasure.

After a while, I recovered and crawled to the computer. I sent Amy email asking her to marry me.

* * * * *

Tune in tomorrow for more exciting adventures! Will I cook dinner again? Will the mouthguard make it through the night? Will the PIE? Could I maybe make a mouthguard out of that pie? Maybe if I eat the whole pie, all my teeth will fall out and solve the grinding problem? The possibilities are endless! Well, not really. But many of them involve PIE!


  1. crystal

    all i have to say about that is mmm… pie.

    also, i hope you don’t wake in pain from your mouthguard. i really have no idea what style mouthguard you have, but i’m supposed to wear a retainer and stopped before i ever really started because it, well, hurt. bad. screw having perfect teeth if i have to be in pain. i think i like your idea of having one made of pie much better.

  2. Elena

    I am ROFL at your latest entry. I found you through Jay’s site zeroboss and bookmarked you to my favorites; you make me laugh every day! THANK YOU for making me laugh! I am a SAHM who needs all the laughs she can get. I blog at http://1blueshi1.blogspot.com
    WARNING this site is not nearly as funny as yours!
    Hmm. How can I bribe Amy GO into making me a pie??

  3. Tracy

    LOL!!!!!! Dinner is good!

  4. DebR

    Sounds like Derby Pie! YUM! (My preference is warm, with whipped cream.)

    Does the leg thing we aren’t talking about mean you have to take evil prednisone again? Hope not. :-/

  5. ben

    Damn, that’s a fine piece of pie!

    /northern exposure
    //yes, I’m as old as I look

  6. Shelley

    Now see, I would have gone with warm and ice cream. The other is good but warm and ice cream is just…better.

    Maybe someday someone will send me a pie…

  7. Zee

    Ditto the ‘please send pie’ sentiments… [sigh] no one sends me pie…

    Anyway… I had a nightguard once too, and it pretty much sucked, so I stopped wearing it too. So if you end up giving up in despair, at least you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that you’re not alone. Everyone has nightguards, but no one really wears them… ;-)

    … off to find some pie now…

  8. Kathy

    You are a great way to start the day. I’m just sayin’.

  9. Theresa

    Gasping and twitching on the floor? I need some! I am due for a piegasmic experience!

  10. Melanie Lynne Hauser

    One of the benefits of being so busy that I can’t remember what my family looks like, is that I don’t have to cook for them, either. Money for the pizza guy, frozen pizza, pizza rolls, pizza puffs – can’t go wrong with all that!

  11. ben

    Oh, crud!

    It wasn’t Northern Exposure, it was Twin Peaks. And that’s exactly what I meant, but the fingers wrote “northern exposure.”

    Getting old will do that to ya.

    Still, that’s a fine piece of pie!

  12. Em

    Wait. How does someone send you a pie in the mail? I make damn good pie that, if I knew I could, I would fling to areas around the globe but how?

  13. Sandee

    I have a mouthguard and retainers (not worn at the same time). I never had a problem getting used to them (probably because my mouth is always full anyway!), so give it some time before you give up – they really help. Especially when you can have more PIE without your teeth hurting.

  14. Shiz

    I can’t imagine mailing a PIE. It arrived intact?

  15. Amy

    Okay, I can’t stand it anymore!!! Did the mouthguard work? (I had the same problem last week…need expensive mouthguard, insurance won’t pay, etc…)

  16. HumanityCritic

    Good post. Just passing through, I’m liking the blog by the way.

  17. Amy

    That is so funny! When I was in high school I ground my teeth, but my parents refused to get me a fancy mouthguard, telling me to use the one I wore for field hocky instead. I thought they were just being cheap (they were) but actually what you describe is exactly how we would make our mouthguards every season.

    (Long time lurker)

  18. udge

    Ben: I thought you meant “Twin Peaks” but didn’t feel confident enough to challenge you on it (deference to one’s elders ;-)

    Mir: I too want to know how this pie was packaged, I can’t imagine how it didn’t arrive broken or smeared flat.

  19. joaaanna

    Special mouthguard? Great – I just got my $1,200 mouthguard on Monday. And I think I’m developing a CALLOUS IN MY MOUTH! My dentist suggested the football guard as an option, but I couldn’t breathe with one of those. I tried.

    I won’t mention this to my husband. Yikes! $12?

  20. Amy-GO

    I can’t believe I missed reading this when you posted it. ROFL at your description of the pie eating experience! I warned you how good it was! And all of you who want pie, or to know how to send pie….uh, send money? Sorry, trade secret? I would love to send pie to everyone but that would require a LOT more free time. And I would post the recipe, but my mother would kill me. Mir’s special, y’all!

  21. Cori

    1. With three kids, how did I get gypped out of ANY kids that will eat what I cook???
    2. I totally need a mouthguard. Let us know if you can actually sleep in it. I don’t think I would be able to.
    3. Mmmm….pie!

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