I bite you!

By Mir
August 26, 2005

So. Tired. I have this entire ground-breaking theory worked out about how much longer each day becomes relative to the number of times you come upon a small puddle on the floor and have to stop and test it to see if it’s drool or slopped water or dog pee and how it’s an exponential progression… but, um, the dogs ate it. Ha.

The dogs. THE DOGS. Oh, the excitement. Oh, the paper towels.

Today was interesting, because Chickadee went off to work with her Daddy (today was national Hurry Up And Bring Your Daughter To Work With You Because You Randomly Mentioned It Once Earlier This Summer And She Never Forgot And School Is About To Start Again Day!) and I was left with the task of soothing the savage, er, left-out Monkey, and attending to our canine visitors.

From what I understand, this is what Chickadee did today: Went to Daddy’s office and alternated playing her Gameboy and eating everything that was not nailed down here on the eastern seaboard. She was an angel. And also very full.

This is what Monkey and I did today:

7:30 AM We got up and came downstairs to let the dogs outside. The dogs were VERY HAPPY to see us. Monkey shimmied up my body in about 2 seconds flat, shrieking “DON’T LET THEM GET ME!!!” Fluffy Dog pees. Gangly Dog pees… three times.

7:40 AM Back inside, I get Monkey situated with his breakfast while he stands on his chair and shrieks “DON’T LET THEM GET ME!!!”

7:50 AM I get the dogs their breakfast. Monkey seizes this opportunity to flee the scene. He arranges himself on a couch completely surrounded by a protective cocoon of cushions.

8:00 AM I take the dogs back outside. Fluffy Dog laughs at me for taking them out again. Gangly Dog pees twice.

8:30 AM Monkey complains that he cannot hear his cartoons over the sounds of Gangly Dog trying to kill his rubber chicken toy (which is already legless and quite dead). I turn up the television.

8:45 AM Monkey decides that the television isn’t nearly as interesting as watching Gangly Dog try to entice Fluffy Dog into playing. Gangly Dog does this by repeatedly biting Fluffy Dog on the ass until Fluffy Dog gets annoyed enough to retaliate. But after a couple of snaps, Fluffy Dog tries to get back to pining for their owners, and Gangly Dog has to bite him AGAIN to restart the process. [“What’s he doing, Mama?” Monkey asked me. I explained that dogs talk through actions, and this was Gangly Dog telling Fluffy Dog that he wanted to play. “But what’s he SAYING?” Monkey persisted. “Oh!” I said, as if I suddenly realized I’d misunderstood the question. “He’s SAYING ‘I bite you! I bite you! Now you bite ME! And I bite YOU!'”]

8:50 AM It’s all fun and games until the sparring dogs get too close to your couch cocoon. “DON’T LET THEM GET ME!!!”

8:51 AM I realize I haven’t had any breakfast, and go into the kitchen for some cereal with Monkey clinging around my waist. I step in a puddle of dubious origin.

8:53 AM I take the dogs back outside. Gangly Dog pees twice and poops. Fluffy Dog humps Gangly Dog.

9:00 AM I’m finally eating my cereal, when Monkey climbs into my lap and says, “I wish Chickadee was here. It’s a lotta work, taking care of these dogs!” I aspirate raisin bran.

9:30 AM We crate the dogs and head back upstairs to shower, dress, etc. While drying my hair, I come up with the brilliant idea of taking the dogs for a walk.

10:00-10:30 AM We walk. Well, sort of. My life flashes before my eyes as Gangly Dog drags me down the front steps. (I experienced deja vu.) Monkey holds Fluffy Dog’s leash until he realizes that even Fluffy Dog will periodically decide to break into a trot that is not slowed by a small voice squeaking “Doggie! Stop! Please?” Once I have both leashes, I am convinced I will not survive the loop around the neighborhood with both wrists intact. Half a block from home they are finally tired enough to WALK instead of PULL, but at some point their leashes tangle and Monkey is tripped in the untangling. One skinned knee and many tears later, we arrive back home.

10:31 AM Gangly Dog pees on the floor. I take half a bottle of Ativan and put my head in the oven. Or just clean it up.

10:55 AM I suggest to Monkey that we GO! Run some errands! Out of the house! Which now smells like pee everywhere, at least in my mind! We crate the dogs and head out.

11:50 AM We wrap up our first errand and hit Target. Keeping in mind that I’m supposed to be making today special to offset Chickadee’s special day with Daddy, I offer to buy Monkey an Icee at the snack bar. His eyes widen. When I hand him the penny I receive in change, he reaches nirvana. “Mama,” he says between slurps, while patting the penny in his hip pocket, “this is the BEST DAY of my entire LIFE!” I give him a kiss and throw some more paper towels into the cart.

12:20 PM Standing in the checkout line, I am half-listening to Monkey chatter at me. “Mama!” he exhorts, noticing that he doesn’t have my full attention. “Mmmhmmm,” I respond with a pat, scanning the registers and trying to decide if I should switch lines. “I BITE YOU! I BITE YOU! NOW YOU BITE ME! AND I BITE YOU!” Monkey suddenly yells. In painful slow motion, I swivel my head towards him along with EVERY OTHER PERSON in the store. He laughs with delight while I try to shush him with a straight face, and half a dozen Target customers dial CPS on their cell phones. “See! I’m like the doggies! I was letting you know I wanted to PLAY!” he squeals.

12:35 PM Home again. We take the dogs outside. They pee, they run, they eat grass. They charge the porch and before I know it, Monkey is standing on my shoulders yelling “DON’T LET THEM GET ME!!!”

12:40-4:45 PM Sort of a blur. I walked through a wet spot on the carpet absolutely convinced it was drool maybe four times before I thought to sniff it. Not drool. Gah.

4:50 PM We crate the dogs and head out for a dinner/play date.

7:15 PM Home again, we let the dogs out. They race around the yard and frolic while Monkey stands on the porch shouting “I BITE YOU! NOW YOU BITE ME! They are biting each other!” Gangly Dog pees five times. Fluffy Dog has several false starts while his tail is being chomped, but finally manages to relieve himself.

7:30 PM Chickadee’s home! She flattens herself against a wall while Gangly Dog licks her face off. I let him outside again, preemptively. He pees. He runs back inside, where my ex plays tug with him and Fluffy Dog wanders around crying because he is not getting enough attention. I rub Fluffy Dog’s head.

7:35 PM Gangly Dog chokes on a small string from the rope bone they are playing tug with. There is a tremendous HACKING sound and then just a little bit of puking. But! No peeing! I only gag once while cleaning it up.

8:00 PM The kids are in bed. I feed the dogs. They love me very much.

8:10 PM Back outside. I have stopped paying attention to what they’re doing, instead opting to sit on the corner of the porch in the fetal position.

8:30 PM I bite you! I bite you! Now you bite ME! And I bite YOU!

9:30 PM For the first time in over 24 hours, both dogs lay down and REST. I die of shock.

10:00 PM Last trip outside, and it’s bedtime for all doggies. And maybe for me, too, except that I am still awake and convinced I can smell dog pee somewhere. Am considering wrapping the entire ground floor of the house in saran, just to make tomorrow easier.


  1. big-bad-ex

    you mean she didn’t tell you how she irradiated some gadolinium oxysulfide scintillators for me?
    *insert geek noise here*

  2. buffi

    Awesome post. We have two dogs, that is pretty much everyday at my house. I find them spending greater amounts of time outside!

    Isn’t it sweet how much Monkey missed his big sis? I file those moments away for when they are beating the crap out of each other.

  3. udge

    I hate to say it but: you probably can smell dog pee everywhere. This too will pass.

  4. Chickie

    My face hurts from laughing! What a day you had.

    Did you know that Benadryll will make help a dog with allergies? A side effect is it makes them very sleepy. I think your dogs have allergies. 1 milligram per pound. The kind with the powder in them work well…so I’ve heard.

  5. sb

    You make me laugh! I love the “I bite you, now you bite me” scene in Target. Too funny. sb

  6. Colleen

    LMAO…ohhhh your friends owe you BIG TIME for this favor. I’m glad you’re able to see the humor in this cuz if it were me, I’d put them in a kennel for some sanity.

    Great entry. I’m looking forward to reading more of your entertaining “misadventures” with these pooches.

  7. Summer

    This entry has made me feel much better. Yesterday we had a bad potty training day — it’s never good when a toddler begins the day standing on the wet sheets of his crib shouting “I’m not potty trained!” During the many months we’ve worked on potty training the boy, I’ve often thought “the dog is housebroken! She came to us housebroken! Why is this so much harder with the boy?” But you’ve reminded me that I have one huge advantage: I can hand the boy a rag and make him clean up his own piss. Also, I have hardwood floors and no carpets. Yes, I feel much better now.

    I hope today is a less pissy day for you. I’d say “shitty”, but you DEFINITELY don’t want to go there with two dogs.

  8. Amy

    I have several friends that I would happily bail out of jail in the middle of the night. I have many friends that I would be willing to nurse through prolonged illness. I even have friends who I would allow to move in with me – no questions asked! On a permanent basis! – if an emergency deemed it necessary. I have NO friends for whom I would take slobbering peeing biting kid-scaring house-wrecking dogs into my home. YOU. ARE. A. SAINT. And pretty, too. I? Would never have returned from Target. :)

  9. The Other Dawn

    I have a dog and a cat. The cat doesn’t go outdoors (think litter box – 24/7 – eeeew!). The pee. Oh, lord above, the pee. And the hair. And the puke. Did I mention the hair?

    You translate doggie speak very well for a non-dog ower. And the “I bite you” scene in Target? Too cute! Kids do have a way of repeating those things as the most inopportune times.

  10. Philip

    Don’t forget the two hours you spent writing this amazingly detailed daily dairy.

  11. Karin

    You have reminded me why, even without allergies, I don’t have a dog. I grew up with them and hate cleaning up their pee and worse, even if I like the dogs themselves. Perhaps when I get older and my sense of smell diminishes…

  12. Red Clover

    I have such sympathy for you. I dog-sat a Shar-pei a few months ago. Even now it makes me mildly ill..

    All that excess skin slid forward into the bowl whenever he drank and acted like a sponge. Water everywhere. And the stink.. I was about half blind from the smell of the dog..even freshly washed. All those folds.. stench.. gag

  13. Brenda

    You are an insane saint. I’m with Amy: the dogs would have been in a kennel and I wouldn’t have come back from Target if they weren’t.

    I’ve had dogs most of my life (not currently) and they are a handful.

    One problem is that because they’re in new territory (your house), and with a new pack (your family), they don’t feel the need to obey the rules they may have at home.

    Either you have to establish yourself now as the leader of the pack (sorry, couldn’t resist), which involves grabbing each dog by the throat, forcing them on their backs and making them stay that way until they act submissive, or this will continue. My first husband had been a dog breeder and showed dogs nationally. I learned a lot from him.

    Now, go immediately to Costco and buy at least one 5-pound bag of Arm & Hammer baking soda, and start pouring it on every spot you have, not worrying about the source. It will clear up nearly all the smell.

    Good luck!

  14. Marti

    Loving our children and the smell of dog pee….two things that are forever………


  15. bob

    So, of what where you making x-rays, and for whom?

  16. Jen

    You are a wonderful writer. I have enjoyed this saga very much–although I am very sorry for you to have to go through it! The Target moment is definately one for the scrapbook pages. May the dogs’ owners come back soon with very large gifts for you.

Things I Might Once Have Said


Quick Retail Therapy

Pin It on Pinterest