Also, that Lyle Lovett song is taunting me

By Mir
July 18, 2005

I brought cookies in to work today, but you can’t have any. I’m mad at just about everyone. No one here at work has pissed me off lately, so they get cookies. Also, if they’re busy eating cookies, they may not notice that I am about three unkind words away from spontaneous combustion.

And these are really good cookies, so I should be safe for a little while.

Vacation Bible School starts tonight. One whole week of learning to love the Lord through skits, gooey crafts, singing, and snacks! What’s not to like? Usually I love VBS week. The kids have a good time and it’s all about making faith FUN.

But it’s all a crock, because faith is not fun. Faith is believing everything will be okay when you can barely breathe. Faith is trusting that you are cared for when you have never felt more alone in your life. Faith is knowing you needn’t be afraid.

I thought I had faith, but it turns out I just enjoyed the snacks.

My father has commented more than once that my expectations of other people are too high. I’ve always maintained that if I don’t expect more than I’m willing to give, myself, I don’t see the problem. But it always has been a problem and apparently this is the lesson I’m slated to learn. Over and over and over. It’s only betrayal if I expected someting different, right? The fault is mine.

So I made cookies. For no particular reason. I thought maybe they’d make me feel better. They didn’t, but then I had cookies to share. And when the kids misbehaved I didn’t leap into the “I make you cookies and this is how you act??” lecture. They had their cookies. I left a container of them in the kitchen at work. I delivered the rest to a friend.

I gave them all away. I’m not expecting anything in return. It’s oddly freeing, in a detached sort of way.

I wish I never expected anything in return.

I wish I never wanted anything.

I wish I was easier to love.

I wish I could grasp the faith I need.


  1. Joshilyn

    Big love your way, poodle.

    To paraphrase Chekhov: I have faith, Uncle Vanya, and I do believe…we shall see the whole sky all diamonds.

    See if we do not.

  2. Melanie Lynne Hauser

    Cookies fix everything. So do kittens, puppies and a great haircut. You know you’re on your way to finding what you need; the first step is understanding that it’s up to do you do something. Even if it’s just baking cookies.

  3. Mom

    I hope you _really_ believe it. That NOT everything that goes wrong in the world is somehow your fault. So you have eased up (I hope it’s not just temporary) on others. Now all you have to do (ALL! Ha!) is to ease up on yourself, too. You are a kind and caring, wonderful person. And you need to _believe_ that cuz lots of other folks out there believe it and so many special folks can’t be wrong.


  4. Rae

    *nod*, I feel the same sometimes, then I remember Jesus did not trust man, because he knew what was in man…….not that he was cynical, but he depended on the Father for every single little thing…

    I’m not even close to getting there. Not even close, and as long as I place the unfair burden of my expectations on other people, I will continue to be let down. Because I’m pretty good at letting other folks down, too, sometimes. God knows it, He allows it, He wants me to depend solely on Him…..

    I wish I could grasp the faith I need too. Thank you for sharing that.

  5. Jules

    Hmm…wonder if I was tossing my cookies around the same time you were making yours?

    Now that would be come kinda time warp, eh?

    No cookies please…

    Love you!

  6. ben

    Hmm, cookies.

    No, make that homemade cookies.

    Free cookies.

    Free homemade cookies.

    I just had lunch and now I’m all hungry again.

    I hope somebody gives you cookies, and soon. You more than deserve some. Hang in there.

  7. Betsy

    Melanie! There is no such thing as ‘just baking cookies’!

    In my house, for example, it means clearing off counter space. Making sure I have the ingredients. Unearthing the cookie sheets without slicing off a limb when they cascade out from the lower cabinet they’re stored in. Ensuring that the oven is working correctly, and has power. Finding the matching lids for the tupperware containers to hold the cookies. And keeping small children who want to snatch hot cookies with their bare hands safe and unburned.

    Not to mention the whole cleanup thing.

    Just baking cookies? I think not…!

  8. Karry

    From me to you – I’ve been there. I don’t want to hear any nonsense about “easier to love”. You are who you are – you just havent found the right people to love you yet. Besides – all us internet peeps love you! (It’s not the same – but it counts, right?)


  9. dad

    I respect your wishes but am eternally grateful that you are as easy to love as you are.

  10. mean_girl

    Only seeing the potential of our fellow human beings robs us of seeing each other as we truly are.

    Our faults are what make us individuals, and they also bond us together… no one, is perfect.

  11. laura

    Whatever that Lyle Lovett song is, you are sure singing my song, sister. I am of so little faith – I need to remember it’s not my load to carry. And I need to quit panicking and obsessing over the worst possible outcome. So easy to say.

  12. Kira

    Believing on your behalf, dear. Hold on.

  13. Randi

    I’m not the easiest person to live with…love, sure! Live with…forget it! But somehow I found a husband who takes me for who I am…and my kids love me unconditionally, as I love them. Life sucks sometimes…but instead of making lemonade, you made cookies…I like your pholosophy better, cookies are way better then lemonade!

  14. wendy

    I read you faithfully every day, Mir. I read because you say what I am thinking and feeling in such a humorous way it helps me to laugh at myself. I read because you also touch on the deeper parts of me that I tend to criticize and it helps me to understand who I am better and accept me for all of me – the good and the bad.

    Oh, to crave the feeling of being loved. To think that you are hard to love, hard to know, hard to truly understand and fathom. And to have faith that God will lead you through, even if He is the only one who loves you, and to think that He feels so far away. I am always reminded of my days in VBS and the fact-faith-feeling train (Accursed train pops up whenever I am at my lowest. Stupid train!) Facts are the engine – they pull the train. Faith is what the train is really pulling along. And Feeling – just the caboose, along for the ride but really have no impact or change on where the train is going or why. (Stupid train). I feel your pain, girl. I think a lot of us feel it and understand. You are definitely not alone.

    Just remember, chocolate always makes it better… or a little Atavan… either way…. or even Atavan laced chocolate…. there’s an idea!

  15. Heather

    Thanks for sharing honey. I feel the same way so often and then get to feeling as though I were the only one. Especially the bit about “Well, I don’t expect more than I give so what’s the problem?” Too bad not everyone’s as wonderful as us ;) Sending love your way dear, and faith too, because I think that also gets bigger when you share it.

  16. Mamacita

    You don’t have to make cookies for me. I already love you, and I’ll make them for you.

    I hope you can feel this big hug I’m sending your way. I don’t know what’s wrong but I hope things get better really soon.

    I wish you lived next door.

  17. Hula Doula

    Faith is a tough tough subject. I loved what you said about that you thought you had faith but you just enjoyed the snacks. Isn’t that just the way it is.
    Hold on sweetie. It’s a tough place to be. Expectations are tough. You expect more of yourself than most. Perfectionism runs in your blood. Take your mom’s advice. She sounds like a right smart woman!! HUGS your way.

  18. Dawn

    Easier to love? If you were any easier to love, you’d BE a cookie! I’ve been reading your blog long enough to be quite sure you’re a very nice person. You can only fake nice for so long and the statute of limitations has done gone and run out on that one. You are loveable just the way you are. Perfection is not required. If it were, we’d all be in a heap o’ trouble! Take care.

    Oh. And listen to your mother.

  19. Carmen

    Thinking of you, Mir. It must be a tough time if you didn’t eat your cookies, but gave them away. Especially if you didn’t even serve them with a side of guilt to your kids. No matter how bad I feel, my kids ALWAYS get the guilt.

    I’ll be in prayer for you.

  20. Jenny

    Sending love your way, Mir.

  21. Amy

    I have GOT to get my computer fixed. I’m sooooo out of the loop!

    As for faith, boy have I been there, baby! And still am, most of the time. Some days, it just feels like I’m faking it…but as they say, fake it till you make it! The great thing about God (I’m learning) is that He will patiently listen to ALL my whining, even when it’s about Him. And then He takes care of my ungrateful little self anyway. Go ahead and RANT at Him, honey – He can take it!
    I miss you! Hope the Geek Squad figures out my problems soon!

  22. Sarcastic Journalist

    I think you hit Faith right on the head. Sometimes it isn’t fun, unless you’re singing “Jesus Is a Rock” and you’re hitting people.

    bop do wop shoo bop boo!

  23. Nancy

    I’m a new but completely enthralled fan of your blog . . . holding a good thought for you and hoping everything feels better soon.

  24. Fraulein N

    Aww, Mir. Big hugs.

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