I had A Plan, you know. And The Plan, it was good. Absolutely nothing at all wrong with That Plan, I tell you!

Except that, you know, it was MY Plan. I shoulda known better.

Ahem.

Anyway. The Plan went like this:

1) Have an utterly suckass week [okay, that wasn’t really part of what I came up with, that was just the starting point from which I was operating],
2) Hop on plane,
3) Have the best weekend of my life [no pressure!], and
4) Return home refreshed, renewed, and ready to take on anything.

Again I say: there was NOTHING wrong with That Plan. It was a good and lovely Plan. Except that it was mine.

The Revised Plan went like this:

1) Have an utterly suckass week,
2) Hop on plane,
3) Start having the best weekend of my life, and
4) Then spend a lot of time in the bathroom wishing I was dead, leading to…
5) Return home via the longest most annoying trip known to humankind and then call in sick to work because although technically I may not still be deathly ill, I haven’t eaten for a couple of days and am still moving pretty slowly and also combatting a dehydration headache that laughed at my migraine pills until they felt inadequate.

So, YAY! Or, you know, FUUUUUCK! Either way! I’m flexible! Though I am very much leaning towards the latter conclusion, at this moment in time! Although I am noticing that excessive use of exclamation points seems to help, a little!

I’ve learned that sometimes the best way to analyze a situation and reach an informed decision is to make a list of pros and cons and then do a line-by-line comparison. That seems reasonable. Maybe it’s not as bad as I thought, right?

Pros about my weekend:

1) Had a lovely flight there.
2) Great water pressure.
3) Great food for several meals (up until the thought of food sent me running).
4) Lots of sleeping.
5) Saw old friends and had a blast.
6) Was welcomed with open arms by new friends.
7) Was told I am pretty in a most unexpected and touching way that turned my insides to marshmallows.
8) Got to spend a concentrated amount of time with someone I adore but with whom I never get to spend enough time.
9) I’m six pounds lighter than I was when I left!

Cons about my weekend:

1) My flight home.
1a) The airport train (tram? trolly? sideways elevator thingie?) was out of service and I flew out of Gate 629 on Concourse X, a short twelve mile walk away.
1b) The plane was roughly the same size as my car.
1c) They “gate checked” all carry-on baggage larger than a loaf of bread, except for…
1d) … the bag my seatmate was carrying, which he stuffed under the the seat in front of him. This left him no leg room, so he put one leg out in the aisle and the other leg where my legs would’ve gone if I was not clinging to the wall of the plane, trying to keep any part of my body from touching any part of his.
1e) Said seatmate smelled of onions and wore bright green pants. I’m honestly hard-pressed to declare which of these was more offensive.
1f) The plane took off late.
1g) In the snow. (Yes, SNOW. On May 1st. So. Very. Wrong.)
1h) We spent twenty minutes on the tarmac at my home airport, waiting to be cleared to taxi to the gate.
1i) Once at the gate, we spent another twenty minutes watching all of our gate-checked baggage being HURLED up on the jetway by monkeys.
1j) I was the last shuttle bus stop in long-term parking and then got confused and had trouble finding my car. Once I found it, I discovered it was taking about fifteen minutes just to get through the line to pay and get out.
1k) Did I mention that I was still sick and it was midnight?
2) Lots of Pepto. Which is excellent for turning your tongue black and would be a good party trick if it actually fixed your stomach at the same time.
3) Missed a dinner party and may also have left some quite lovely people believing that they’d poisoned me at lunch. (I’m sure we’ll look back on this some day and laugh. Really. Well, hmm. How long are we planning to live, again? It could happen. In 40 years or so. Maybe I could just buy everyone a pony and we could all forget all about it?)
4) Lots of whining, and shivering, and apologizing, and wishing I was dead.
5) Worried that I’d managed to ruin the entire trip. And wished I was dead, some more.
6) Achieved a new level of closeness with aforementioned person I adore which one generally wishes to never experience unless there is, say, a binding legal document in place which obligates that person to put up with you. Not really what I’d had in mind for this trip, and now I’m gonna haveta fork over that pony or a winning lottery ticket or something in return.
7) Experienced huge angst over calling in sick to work today.
8) Got to spend a concentrated amount of time with someone I adore, snuffling and apologizing for being sick.
9) I might enjoy the weight loss a little bit more if I actually had the energy to get up and get dressed.

Okay, I’m comparing the two lists, now… let’s see….

Huh. Whaddaya know. It’s pretty close!

Gimme a few decades to think it over, and I’m sure I’ll tell you it wasn’t so bad.