If my head explodes, I get cookies

By Mir
March 16, 2005

When I buy Girl Scout Cookies (and I always buy Girl Scout Cookies, only because it’s a good cause… shut up) I put them in my deep freeze in the basement. I suffer from the delusion that 1) freezing them and 2) making them slightly harder to access will stop me from inhaling them all within the first week.

Being the logical person that I am, I make deals with myself. If I do the dishes, I can have some shortbread. If I fold the laundry and put it away, I deserve some thin mints. And tonight I want to do nothing more than vegetate in front of the television, or perhaps just go straight to bed… but I need to pay bills. So I promised my grumpy self some samoas if I took care of the bills. I gathered everything up, sat down at the computer, and got the “Sorry! We’re cheerful! But the site’s down! Bummer! Come back soon!” message from my bank.

I think I still deserve the samoas. It’s not my fault I couldn’t pay the bills. I was gonna.

I’m fighting a migraine. My brain finally cried “UNCLE!” after yesterday, and by lunchtime today I was washing down my prescription meds with an advil chaser and had my coffee in one hand (caffeine good!) and a spring water in the other (water to counteract the caffeine!).

My wry amusement for the day was the ex (who actually took a day off of work to take Chickadee, who was required to take the day off of school while trying the new meds lest she react oddly) calling me not an hour after I’d left them. He sounded concerned and bewildered, and the words tumbled out as he told me he really thought she was having a bad reaction to the medication, her behavior was BIZARRE and OUT OF CONTROL and he wanted to call the doctor. I listened as he detailed this COMPLETELY NEW set of behaviors and tried to think of how to break it to him. I wanted to be kind. Okay; no I didn’t.

“Um, welcome to my world. I TOLD you. This is what she’s been like. This is why we’re seeking help. That’s not a medication reaction, that’s YOUR DAUGHTER. Sounds like every morning I’ve had with her for the last two weeks.” Did he feel like a jackass? I sort of hope so.

Anyway, bottom line: we saw no change with the meds, today. The doctor has us doubling the dose tomorrow, although she can go to school. So we shall see.

In the meantime, she returned to me tonight in typical evening mode: tired–and therefore emotional–and ready to melt down at the slightest provocation (real or imagined). Bolstered by the kind comments I received on yesterday’s post, I took charge with grace and aplomb: when she fell to the floor–gearing up for yet another declaration of the atrocity that is her lot in life–I ran over and sat on her. And tickled her. I pinned her to the floor and tickled her and she threw back her head and laughed and laughed the way a little kid should, and the way that she doesn’t nearly often enough. Eventually I had to stop because Monkey had climbed onto my head amidst the gigglefest and that didn’t really go well with the migraine, but it was only one deft manuever before I had one child pinned under each knee, squirming, shrieking, and begging for mercy. Now that is why I became a mother.

It really worked out better than I’d dared hope. I’d say it was a three-cookie diversion, at least.

On the other hand, I may have to impose some cookie demerits on myself. File the following under “things that seemed like a good idea at the time when I was sorta stoned on migraine medication.”

I have been submitting weekly status reports since starting my job. This week, my boss decided we need a new format; a little more structure, if you will (hey, even if you won’t!). This new format has two significant changes from the previous method. 1) It now uses lots of bullets and 2) It now has an “Other” section which came with an attached explanation of the various sorts of things that might go there (including “absences” and LOTS of other things and ending with “and anything else you think I ought to know”).

If you have met me? You should know better than to give me the opening to tell you “anything else I think you ought to know.” That’s just foolish.

Today my bulleted list of “Other” items may have included:
+ I left early Friday and Tuesday (for Chickadee’s doctors appointments).
+ Do you know anyone who might like a small girl? Cute but vexing!
+ We’ll need to discuss coming up with some replacement software for that license we didn’t renew.
+ Fred* threw dog toys at me when you weren’t looking. I’m thinking of suing.
+ This new format really flows, dontcha think?

In my defense… nevermind. I’m probably just a moron.

*Fred is not his real name. I changed his name to protect him, and also so that I wouldn’t feel compelled to tell you that the reason he pelted me with dog toys was because I may have kinda accidentally provoked him by making a very funny joke sort of at his expense. Everyone else laughed but when he said “WHO HIRED HER?” I began to suspect that he was not amused. Oops.


  1. carolyn

    Hi Mir,
    My heart has been going out to you lately, but yes Girl Scout cookies can produce a temporary antidepressant effect. But then comes the “rebound” where I spiral into Tagalong hell and vow to walk 10 miles to work off the calories.
    My daughter(14) called me at work from school today telling me to came get her and take her to the hospital. But wouldn’t tell me why. Of course I can get any principal on the phone and no one knows why she’s so upset. It turns out a teacher yelled at her for not doing her work. My daughter is on multiple meds for ADHD and depression with PMS mixed in. So my point is, hang in there. I’m praying for you and your kids.

  2. ann marie

    Your intentions were good, so I would say, “go ahead, enjoy, you deserve it!”

  3. Amanda B.

    I ate an entire box of samoas in one sitting once. I wish I could say I felt bad about that, as I feel it would reflect that I am in fact a good person, but I can not. I enjoyed every minute of it.

  4. Cathy

    Eat the cookies and feel no guilt. Think of it as therapy.

  5. k8

    Hi. I read this often but I’ve never commented (I don’t think )til now. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. BTW when we were litle my brother used to buy a case of Thin Mints every year and my sister and I could never figure out whre he was hiding them, til we got older and smarter and found out he was taking off the back of his big tall stereo speakers and stacking em in there. Ha!

  6. k8

    Sorry I left out part of my url. Mommy brain.

  7. Cathy

    8-10 Thin Mint Cookies (whole)
    3-4 Thin Mint Cookies (crushed)
    1 cup milk
    2 scoops Chocolate, Vanilla, or Mint Ice Cream
    Place milk and whole cookies into a blender, and blend on a medium speed until smooth. Add ice cream carefully, and blend on a high speed until fully blended and creamy. Place most of the crushed cookies on the bottom of a shake glass (saving some cookies to put on the top). Slowly pour the shake into the glass and top with remaining cookies. Serve with a straw AND a spoon, as it will be VERY thick. Makes 2 shakes.

  8. Cristin

    HOW WONDERFUL that you have great ‘mommy attacks the kiddos’ time last night. I am sure everyone needed it. Crossing fingers over here that the new meds help. As a chronic/cyclic depression sufferer over here, I do firmly believe in the credo “Better living through Medication”
    My eldest, the Bookworm, had a VERY hard time dealing with my MS Diagnosis in ’02, she was in 2nd grade, and we did a lot of hand holding, doctor-going, and counselor consulting. Hang in there, it seems like your kids’ doc is a good investigator.
    Wow, long one, sorry. Going through blogger-is-sucky-again withdrawl I guess.
    Oh, and Cathy, I could’ve live the whole rest of my life without knowing that there was such a shake recipie in existence. HEH

  9. Amy

    The. Whole. Box. And not a moment’s guilt,either, Miss Size 2. Praying for you and your sweet girl…

  10. Zuska

    Laughter works wonders! When there’s a dark cloud over CurlyGirl’s head, a good tickle will sometimes do the trick. It makes her brother pee, but that’s just a side benefit.

    Laughter and Girl Scout cookies. Now there’s a great combo.

    And how about letting US review your “Other” bullets before you submit them each week?

  11. Jenny

    Since I snarfed up all the GSC last week, I’m currently using Easter candy as my reward system.

    I’m a giant fan of the when all else fails, resort to silly tactic.

    My oldest has this ‘angry’ face she does that involves a furrowed brow (her eyebrows also turn red when she is furious) and she curls her upper lip into a snarl. I once told her that I wanted to take a photo of that face, but she can’t make it unless she is truly pissed.

    Now, when she gets her mad on, I tell her to hold it right there while I get the camera and she just loses it. We laugh and laugh. Unless she’s really, truly pissed, and then it’s duck and cover time.

  12. RockStar Mommy

    Last month, I inhaled 3 boxes of samoas all by my self. Give or take a few cookies that my child pried from my grip. And seriously, I’m over here wondering WHY the hell my ass is growing like it is!

  13. The Zero Boss

    Oooh, I need to blog about this myself. This is our first year having a kid in Brownies during cookie season. Did nothing for our waistlines.

  14. Karen

    Cookies never hurt anyone. I like your journal. Very honest.

  15. Chuck

    Your ex sounds like my ex only mine is the Mother rather than the Father. Funny how the “part time parent” dosen’t see the real picture. I wonder if that is how they really want to see it?

  16. Rosie Bonner

    Oh, gosh. This made my heart ache in that way that’s all about how life is so beautiful and has so much pain and sadness in it that crying isn’t enough and the only other reaction I can think of is throwing up, because that gets down deeper, but of course that’s not really it, either. If the prayers of an atheist will do you and Chickadee any good…

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