Buying stock in Poland Spring

By Mir
March 1, 2005

So today started off in the following manner:

5:30 BEEP BEEP BEEP *smack* I open one eye, peer towards the bizarre octagonal window which no window treatments will fit but was nonetheless someone’s idea of a decorative touch in the master bedroom, and see bare branches. Bare. As in, not coated in snow. That nor’easter they were screaming about yesterday? M.I.A. No need to get up early and shovel! I reset my alarm.

6:00 BEEP BEEP BEEP *smack* Okay, guess what… I still don’t feel like getting out of bed. I’m thirsty. But I don’t care. My head hurts. I feel like crap. Maybe I can rest just a few… more… minutes….

6:10 “Maaaaaaaaamaaaaaaa! Remember how you went to the little boy store, and I was the very last one, so you bought me, and took me home, and now you have a little boy?” *blink* “What? No…?” “Mama! Pretend!

6:27 I actually said “NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED!” to clear the area.

The children scattered far and wide (okay FINE, they ran down the hall and commenced throwing toys down the stairs; don’t ask) and I rose to discover 1) It actually was snowing (perhaps the octagonal window, in its decorative wonder, created an optical illusion?), and 2) I had a hangover.

A hangover. Not even from debauchery! A hangover from intestinal hell. A hangover is just the after-effect of dehydration, you know. And this morning I was but a dried husk of the woman I’d once been, prior to meeting The Bad Sandwich.

Not my favorite way to start the day.

Somehow, I got the kids out the door to school and made it to the office just a few minutes later than normal. Okay! Time to buckle down to work!

And work I did, if by “work,” you mean “drink.” I don’t know what I did today besides consume my body weight in various liquid refreshment. I’m sure I did something else. I mean, I must’ve. Right? Right. But by the time lunch arrived, I’d had 4 mugs of herbal tea, 3 bottles of water, and 2 cans of soda. (It would make a better story if I’d also had 1 something else, like perhaps a partridge in a pear tree, but sadly for you this was not the case.)

I joined my colleagues for lunch, and tried to look really excited about my plain, toasted bagel. Hooray! Plain bread! Because I love plain bread! Not because the idea of anything else makes me want to retch!

It turns out that it’s way easier to focus on your thrilling! plain! bagel! when the coworker next to you is eating almost the same thing you had yesterday that made you sick. That bagel was my entire world, baby. I barely shifted my eyes for fear of actually gagging. But I ate that very delicious bagel and then floated my way back to my office to drink some more.

During the afternoon I was finally gripped with guilt over singlehandedly depleting our bottled water supply, so I just filled my bottle with tap water a few (hundred) times. And then I built an ark and made two of every kind of geek get on board.


  1. Joe Cool (Cowboy)

    You are so now in my favorite blog section (if I could only figure out how to do that) I love visiting you to see what’s new…. Have a great day….. Hugs from Cowboy….

  2. alektra

    I’m so glad you’re feeling better. And rehydrated. And Monkey is awesome. Again.

  3. Crystal

    I’m cracking up here. Not that you were sick, but the floating and the ark, too funny!

  4. Kris

    You forgot about the 7 bazillion times you went to the restroom :) You make my day – hope you feel better!

  5. ben

    “no monkeys jumping on the bed”

    Did you sing the whole song, or just the punch line?

    And, how often do you need to use that?

    Hope you feel better soon…

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