[I wouldn’t be me if it didn’t all come in story format. But I swear the reviews come at the end, and they’re all really important. If you’re me. Or experiencing a real shortage of reading material.]
I may have mentioned that I had a tonsillectomy1 about a year and a half ago, due to recurrent strep infections. So you can imagine how very pleased I was to wake up this morning–because just being sick is not enough fun–with the worst sore throat I’ve had since the surgery. I’m not supposed to get strep anymore, you understand. It’s technically possible, but very unlikely. So I choose to believe it is definitely not strep. However, as I’ve now been sick, like, a million times in the last month, I started taking my newly-purchased Airborne2 to counteract my current batch of germs.
After getting the kids off to school I came home and went back to bed3. I got myself up and showered and dressed in time to attend an appointment and gas up my car at Cumberland Farms4. Back home, I had some more Airborne2, laid around like a slug, and then collected the children and headed over to a friend’s house for dinner5.
Now, because I was feeling so crummy today, I didn’t take the time to dry my hair. If I don’t dry my hair, I tend to look like a little like this on account of I don’t really have straight hair, I just play a straight-haired person on television. But a couple of weeks ago, my mother magnaminously purchased a Maxius straightening iron6 for me. The friend I was heading to see also has curly hair, so I packed up the iron and away we went.
Our collective children ran and played, we cooked dinner5 and fed them, and then I straightened first my hair and then hers. Eventually I got the kids home and to bed, and I still feel like crap. Wah wah wah, woe is me, etc. The end.
See, it’s just a boring day until you move on to the scintillating reviews I shall now share because I am all about the giving and the loving and the sharing, except turn your head a little to the side so I don’t give you my germs. Okay, good.
1Tonsillectomy: I cannot stress strongly enough the difference between having your tonsils out as a child, and having them out as an adult. As a child, you feel gross for a day, you eat a lot of ice cream, and you forget it ever happened. As an adult, having a tonsillectomy is only slightly more pleasant than going on the all-crushed-glass-and-jagged-metal diet for a MONTH. Having a tonsillectomy as an adult is cruel and unusual punishment, and it is my firm belief that if you go through this particular circle of hell, you have earned the right not to fucking get strep throat again afterwards. EVER. I don’t recommend having a tonsillectomy as an adult unless you get a signed affadavit stating that you will never have strep throat again.
2Airborne: Developed by a teacher, Airborne supposedly fights the common cold with a magical concoction of herbal extracts, amino acids, vitamins, and heroin. I may have made up the part about the heroin. Anyway, I can’t tell you if it works, because I’m still sick, but if I have strep this stuff wouldn’t work, anyway. What I can tell you is that you pay quite a bit of money for a tube of what look like orange Necco wafers, then you dissolve a wafer in some water and drink it. This concoction tastes exactly like someone O.D.ed on Tang, pissed in your Alka-Seltzer, and then you had to drink that. I cannot recommend anything that tastes like Tangy Alka-Seltzer piss.
3Bed: I’m thinking of joining a 12-step program to get a handle on my bed addiction. But I love sleeping and I’m not sure I’m ready to get well. Perhaps I shall find the right person to give a thumbs-up recommendation of my bed to and then I could continue my bed addiction without quite so much sleeping. Yeah, um, what were we talking about…? My mind wandered away for a minute there. Ahem.
4Cumberland Farms: In spite of running what are perhaps the most annoying commercials on radio and television, my one local Cumberland Farms always has gas cheaper than anywhere else. So I feel all frugal when I gas up there. I recommend it. Shut up.
5Dinner (with this particular friend): Meal prep at her house always sparks in-depth conversation about the Mommune plans I came up with a while back. She comes up with amazing recipes, I play sous chef, and we end up with an incredible meal in half the time. Plus, tonight we made chicken pot pie and my friend was in awe of my ability to crimp the pie crust. Yes, it’s true. Don’t hate me because I’m a good crust-crimper. It’s a very important skill to have in today’s world, and I am understandably proud. Now that the secret’s out I’m sure I’ll be beating the men away with a stick. Anyway, I recommend preparing dinner with a friend even if your throat hurts too much to actually eat.
6Maxius MAXIglide hair straightening iron: Despite sounding like a feminine sanitary product and not something that belongs anywhere near your head, if you want straight hair you NEED this iron. My hair is straight and glossy and shiny. My friend’s hair (which is, by the way, of a different texture/curl from mine) is straight and glossy and shiny. It hardly took any time at all. We are hot sexy mamas with our ionically beautified hair. In fact, you want me. You want me so badly, you’re willing to overlook the Tangy Alka-Seltzer piss breath and my incessant whining about how much my throat hurts. Two enthusiastic thumbs up to that weirdo Maxius dude in the infomercial, as well as to my mom for buying it for me.