The one with all sorts of informative reviews

By Mir
January 10, 2005

[I wouldn’t be me if it didn’t all come in story format. But I swear the reviews come at the end, and they’re all really important. If you’re me. Or experiencing a real shortage of reading material.]

I may have mentioned that I had a tonsillectomy1 about a year and a half ago, due to recurrent strep infections. So you can imagine how very pleased I was to wake up this morning–because just being sick is not enough fun–with the worst sore throat I’ve had since the surgery. I’m not supposed to get strep anymore, you understand. It’s technically possible, but very unlikely. So I choose to believe it is definitely not strep. However, as I’ve now been sick, like, a million times in the last month, I started taking my newly-purchased Airborne2 to counteract my current batch of germs.

After getting the kids off to school I came home and went back to bed3. I got myself up and showered and dressed in time to attend an appointment and gas up my car at Cumberland Farms4. Back home, I had some more Airborne2, laid around like a slug, and then collected the children and headed over to a friend’s house for dinner5.

Now, because I was feeling so crummy today, I didn’t take the time to dry my hair. If I don’t dry my hair, I tend to look like a little like this on account of I don’t really have straight hair, I just play a straight-haired person on television. But a couple of weeks ago, my mother magnaminously purchased a Maxius straightening iron6 for me. The friend I was heading to see also has curly hair, so I packed up the iron and away we went.

Our collective children ran and played, we cooked dinner5 and fed them, and then I straightened first my hair and then hers. Eventually I got the kids home and to bed, and I still feel like crap. Wah wah wah, woe is me, etc. The end.

See, it’s just a boring day until you move on to the scintillating reviews I shall now share because I am all about the giving and the loving and the sharing, except turn your head a little to the side so I don’t give you my germs. Okay, good.

1Tonsillectomy: I cannot stress strongly enough the difference between having your tonsils out as a child, and having them out as an adult. As a child, you feel gross for a day, you eat a lot of ice cream, and you forget it ever happened. As an adult, having a tonsillectomy is only slightly more pleasant than going on the all-crushed-glass-and-jagged-metal diet for a MONTH. Having a tonsillectomy as an adult is cruel and unusual punishment, and it is my firm belief that if you go through this particular circle of hell, you have earned the right not to fucking get strep throat again afterwards. EVER. I don’t recommend having a tonsillectomy as an adult unless you get a signed affadavit stating that you will never have strep throat again.

2Airborne: Developed by a teacher, Airborne supposedly fights the common cold with a magical concoction of herbal extracts, amino acids, vitamins, and heroin. I may have made up the part about the heroin. Anyway, I can’t tell you if it works, because I’m still sick, but if I have strep this stuff wouldn’t work, anyway. What I can tell you is that you pay quite a bit of money for a tube of what look like orange Necco wafers, then you dissolve a wafer in some water and drink it. This concoction tastes exactly like someone O.D.ed on Tang, pissed in your Alka-Seltzer, and then you had to drink that. I cannot recommend anything that tastes like Tangy Alka-Seltzer piss.

3Bed: I’m thinking of joining a 12-step program to get a handle on my bed addiction. But I love sleeping and I’m not sure I’m ready to get well. Perhaps I shall find the right person to give a thumbs-up recommendation of my bed to and then I could continue my bed addiction without quite so much sleeping. Yeah, um, what were we talking about…? My mind wandered away for a minute there. Ahem.

4Cumberland Farms: In spite of running what are perhaps the most annoying commercials on radio and television, my one local Cumberland Farms always has gas cheaper than anywhere else. So I feel all frugal when I gas up there. I recommend it. Shut up.

5Dinner (with this particular friend): Meal prep at her house always sparks in-depth conversation about the Mommune plans I came up with a while back. She comes up with amazing recipes, I play sous chef, and we end up with an incredible meal in half the time. Plus, tonight we made chicken pot pie and my friend was in awe of my ability to crimp the pie crust. Yes, it’s true. Don’t hate me because I’m a good crust-crimper. It’s a very important skill to have in today’s world, and I am understandably proud. Now that the secret’s out I’m sure I’ll be beating the men away with a stick. Anyway, I recommend preparing dinner with a friend even if your throat hurts too much to actually eat.

6Maxius MAXIglide hair straightening iron: Despite sounding like a feminine sanitary product and not something that belongs anywhere near your head, if you want straight hair you NEED this iron. My hair is straight and glossy and shiny. My friend’s hair (which is, by the way, of a different texture/curl from mine) is straight and glossy and shiny. It hardly took any time at all. We are hot sexy mamas with our ionically beautified hair. In fact, you want me. You want me so badly, you’re willing to overlook the Tangy Alka-Seltzer piss breath and my incessant whining about how much my throat hurts. Two enthusiastic thumbs up to that weirdo Maxius dude in the infomercial, as well as to my mom for buying it for me.


  1. girl

    I agree! I had my tonsils out a year ago yesterday (I’m 32). I still remember the fun afterward: the scabs falling out, not being able to eat anything spicier than pancakes, the pain. [knock on wood] I have only had one sore throat since then and I wanted my money back!

    I hope you feel better! Email me and we can sympathize about our “losses” together. :)

  2. Mary Jo

    I had my tonsils out when I was about 8 or so. I did not eat any ice cream… it hurt like a b****. I ate soup… and nothing else. I went YEARS without strep throat. Last winter I got strep for the first time in about 15 years. It was awful. I hope you don’t have strep, and I’m mighty glad I got my tonsils out at an early age.

    Get well soon :)

  3. Mike

    Well, ok, if you insist, I DO! :) Hell, I’d even look past the breath to help give you that guilt-reducing other review you were mentioning…ah-hem…oh, this can be read by anybody now?? Ahh…

  4. Thumper

    :::scratches head:::

    I’m curious, who told you you’d never get strep again if you got your tonsils out? You’re not likely to get tonsilitis again (unless they grow back, which they can) but there’s nothing about the removal of the tonsils that will preclude getting strep. Heck, you can get it other than in the throat. When my kid was 3 he had intestinal strep. *That* was loads of fun…

    If some doc told you you’d never get it again, go find him and kick him in the nads…

  5. Dave

    I had my tonsils out when I was in high school. Not still a kid, not yet a man. Only three weeks of the “crushed-glass-and-jagged-metal” diet.

    You are right about the hair. I want you!

  6. Ben

    I’m not sure if I should laugh or run away and hide.

    But to borrow a phrase about pie crusts:

    Hot DAMN, that’s good pie!

  7. Randi

    I had my tonsils out when I was 23 (25 now)…the most I remember thinking is that I thought it would hurt where they removed the tonsils…I neglected to think about the fact that they need to pry your jaws open bigger then your face just to get AT your tonsils! Yup, it sucks…but I agree with Thumper, you can definitely still get strep. Tonsilitis, however, shouldn’t happen.

  8. Little Red Hen

    I nearly had my tonsils out when I was 30 following 5 bouts of strep throat in one year. Fortunately the doctor decided to test my family for strep at the last minute. Turns out all three of them were symptom-free carriers. They all had to take massive doses of antibiotics and I haven’t had strep since (10 years).

  9. Suzanne

    oh I had my tonsils out when I was 28 or so. What fun! owie!

    Now I want a maxi glide hair straightener! But $90??? Is it really that good?

  10. el_edgar

    Thank you for the footnotes. Very useful. As an addenda, please explain what is:

    1. a Necco wafer

    2. to O.D.

    Thank you so much! :D

    Tonsilectomy sounds like phimosis to me. (For it’s also a mild experience in early childhood, Spanish-Inquisition-style torture in teens and adults.)

  11. JuJuBee

    Ok damnit, I started thinking about the straightener this morning when I read your post…THEN TONIGHT I see it on Home Shopping whatever and they are selling it for 79.00 and 1.99 shipping! So I ordered it. It better be good!

  12. Shawn

    I too had my tonsiles out as an adult. To add insult to injury one week later I was back in the hospital and in surgery because … well apparently my afinity for picking scabs until they bleed – doesn’t stop when said ‘natural healing and adhesive agents’ are in my throat! As for not getting strep anymore. My Dr warnned me that I’m still suseptable to strep – I just can’t get tonsilitis. And yes, he told me AFTER surgery the nimrod!

    Hope you’re feeling better – glad I found your new blog.

  13. Shiz

    GET BETTER!!!!!

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