Teacher hit me with a ruler…

By Mir
January 6, 2005

There was some snow. Then there was a little more snow. Followed by some sleet. And so for some reason the Powers That Be figured that it was more important to keep our children off the slippery roads than to afford me an entire day to get my crap together, unencumbered.

Is the entire universe conspiring against me?? It’s just a little precipitation, people! The children need some learnin’ and I need some peace and quiet!

I’m kidding. Mostly. Honest. Um… hey! Look over there! It’s a kid covered in Crisco!!

(For those following my Crisco Kid, I’m happy to report that this morning her skin is soft and supple; also that I beat her on medium-high with a few eggs and made some very crispy yet light cookies.)

Anyway. The problem, you see, is that I’m having a party here on Saturday. Remember that? Yeah, neither did I. I mean, I remembered, but first I was being lazy, then I was sick. Now I am two days away from Party Day and my house is a shambles, the party favors haven’t all been purchased, I still haven’t decided what kind of cake I’m making, and then of course… there are the capes.

Capes. Capes? I have a confession to make, if you haven’t already figured it out for yourselves. Sometimes? I smoke crack. And then I come up with insane little schemes that I would immediately dismiss out of hand if I wasn’t, you know, a crackhead. BUT NO! In my crack-induced euphoria, I think things like, “Wow, wouldn’t it be SO FUN to let ten five-year-olds loose in my house with GLUE and GLITTER and FABRIC PAINT and after they have RUINED everything that I own, encourage them to try to FLY? Yes! That sounds DIVINE! But maybe that won’t be ENOUGH FUN. Perhaps I shall also ply them with SUGAR just in case that doesn’t make them EXCITED ENOUGH! And the fact that I am NOT AT ALL CRAFTSY and don’t know how to SEW is just going to make it EVEN MORE FUN!”

I have got to lay off the crack. Except that I may need just a teensy bit while I’m sewing the capes.

Alternately, I could just use the cape material to fashion myself a shroud. The kids are so busy watching cartoons and grinding pop-tart crumbs into the carpet, I don’t think they’d even notice….


  1. MJ

    Are you insane, woman?! I’m thinking maybe you should run a marathon this weekend, too. You know…just for something to do!

  2. alektra

    Be comforted that Monkey will consider you the best Mommy in the world after this?

    And 10 kids? Wow. That’s a LOT. I’m starting to think maybe you ARE the best Mommy in the world. Or at least the nicest.

  3. Busy Mom

    Looks like you picked a bad week to give up smoking crack.

  4. Kristie

    You are a way better mom than I am. My kids get family member parties at our house, no outside kids allowed. That might seem mean but in my defense? They get three birthday parties. One from me, one from their dad, and one joint one in the summer from their grandparents who live 8 hours away.

    Also, I’m not quite sure what it is that you have to sew on the capes, but if it’s just a border hem you probably could use some of that Witch Stitchery stuff that’s iron on. It would take considerably less time to do that than sew them all with thread. Plus the capes probably won’t be going in the wash all that often so it should hold.

  5. Amy

    Let me get this straight – the kid is willing to shoot you in order to eat his fill of Pop Tarts and you are still willing to hand sew 10 capes for him – not even for him! For his friends! You are a mighty good person, Mir – I might even let you have Scott…

  6. steph

    do you have a glue gun? make the capes out of felt…now sewing involved, just cutting. then hot glue some ribbon for the ties. but I think I remember that you already bought the fabric for the capes? ok…new idea…do you have pinking shears?? you know…those funky scissors that give a zig zaggy edge? cut the fabric with that and they won’t fray as much and you again…NO SEWING INVOLVED!!
    hope that helps!

  7. Psycho Kitty

    Does anyone other than you actually *know* about the capes? Unless you advertised the party as an exciting, cape-filled adventure–can the capes, baby. Or just go buy a package of cheap white t-shirts at Target and let ’em decorate those. Trust me, not having to think anymore about the capes will be worth the moment of guilt at killing a cool party idea.

  8. Ben

    Make sure you have fresh batteries for the camera, cuz if one of these kids DOES fly with one of your capes?

    E-bay, baby!

  9. VHMPrincess

    i have no advice, but that was darn funny!

  10. Sheryl

    If you need some money to support your crack habit, I’ll chip in because you are just too funny for words, woman.

  11. el_edgar

    Once they’ve done their capes, in case the idea of forcing the kids to test them by leaping off the roof still doesn’t seem good to you, just keep smoking crack until it does. Make sure to catch it on video and post it here before their mothers sue you.

  12. Mike

    Steph has the right idea with felt and NO SEWING. We did knights’ ummm…”things” for our big guy’s fifth. You know–like a table cloth runner with a hole in the middle for their head? TABARD, that’s it…anyway, all vibrant colors out of felt. During the party, the kids glue-sticked pre-cut pictures of dragons, griffons, etc. to decorate. The tabards were easy to cut out. The decorations…well, they took a little time. But yes, Monkey will remember his superhero party forever, Mir. Although I take it you still haven’t seen The Incredibles–there’s a running cape joke in it that’s pretty funny. Happy party, superdudes!

  13. Shiz

    Wine YES, Crack NO.


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