Actually, I do hear voices

By Mir
December 27, 2004

A story in a series of short vignettes that are really only entertaining if you’ve had a glass of wine or three.


Clock: Yo, get your lazy butt outta bed.
Me: Sleepy.
Clock: It’s gonna be lunchtime soon, get UP.
Me: Stupid clock.
Pillow: I love you. Never leave me.
Me: Mmmmmm. Nice pillow.
Clock: Don’t you have a doctor’s appointment today?
Me: Crap.

Me: Start!
Snowblower: I’m starting! Now I’m stopping! Ha! Now I’m starting again! Now I’m making a funny noise! Now I’m stop– just kidding! Still running!
Me: Stupid snow. Stupid snowblower. Stupid winter.
Snowblower: I’m fine! Still running! Look over there! HA! Got a little snow blown straight into your face, didja? Soooorry!
Driveway: Yay, I am nice and clear now!
Passing Snowplow: Hello, would you like a big ridge of snow at the end of the driveway? Here ya go!
Me: Stupid snowplow.

Computer: I am the blue screen of death!
Me: What the…?
Computer: Now I am rebooting. I’m acting like everything will be fine. And now I am… THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH.
Me: @&#^#!
Computer: Such language. Know what you get for that? The blue screen!
Me: I’ll deal with you later.
Computer: Suuuuure you will. Sucker.


Doctor: History history history, questions questions questions, hmmm uh huh I see, yes, mmm hmmm, and how do you feel now?
Me: Well… *head explodes*
Doctor: Oh. Ewwwwwww.
Me: OH. MY. GOD. I’m SO sorry. *trying to clean up little bits of brain matter with tissues*
Doctor: Ummmm… let’s double your medication. And give you some more medications. Also don’t drink any alcohol, and come see me again in a week.
Me: Uh, okay.
Doctor: Please wear a hat, next time.

Me: *drive into the gas station*
Attendant: Did you want to get some gas?
Me: Yes…?
Attendant: Well, the pumps are down. For a few minutes.
Me: How long is a few minutes? Can I wait?
Attendant: Sure, it shouldn’t be too long.
Me: *sitting in nice warm car*
Passersby: *looking at me like I’m retarded because I’m sitting in my car at the pump of a self-serve station*
Me: *aging several years*
Attendant: Okay, they’re all set now!
Me: Thanks.
Stupid Little Gas Cap Door Thingie: I’m frozen! Frozen solid! As in not moving! HAHAHAHAHA!
Me: Oh #&*%$&!
Attendant: Need some help?
Me: You have no idea.
Attendant: *pries open little door*
Me: Thanks very much.
Gas: *costs a billion dollars*
My fingers: *totally frozen*


Computer: Okay, fine, I will boot in safe mode. Happy?
Me: Not really.
Computer: Ingrate.
Me: Internet?
Computer: You forgot to say “Mother May I.”
Me: Mother may I please have internet?
Computer: No. Ha!
Me: Ummm. Mother May I please back up my data?
Computer: Sure…ly not! HA! Fooled ya!
Me: Okay, um, what exactly MAY I do with you at this point?
Computer: Feel free to admire the six-inch-high icons that you get in VGA mode! Aren’t they BIG?
Me: That’s it. I’m putting in the system recovery disks. Bitch.
Computer: Proceeding will restore your computer to factory settings, erase all of your data, and causes cancer in labratory animals. Continue?
Me: Ummm. No. No, nevermind.
Computer: That’s right. Now howzabout you just sit back and enjoy a little blue screen, honey? Oh yeah.

Me: Well, I guess it’s time to clean up around here.
House: Beware the ghosts of Christmas Excess! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: *stepping on legos*
House: See?
Me: *tripping on Hulk Hands*
House: Don’t say you weren’t warned.
Me: *knocking over a stack of books*
House: You know, cleanliness is overrated.
Me: I agree. Tell ya what. I’ll pick up the legos, and shove everything else kind of out of the way, and then it’ll be time for a glass of wine.
House: You’re talking to yourself again.
Me: Right! Wine first!


  1. Jenn

    I found those amusing without a glass of wine or three. What does that say about me? Not that I couldn’t use them.

    It never fails, as soon as the driveway is clean, Mr. Snowplow delivers his snowy goodness into the end of your driveway.

  2. Kristie

    Oh wow, you crack me up!!! I apologize for laughing out loud at your post when you clearly had a rough day.

  3. Terri

    Didn’t you say something about NO alcohol? Shame, shame. ;)

  4. tone

    Now why would the doctor say something crazy like “no alcohol”, clearly he meant “drink wine/liquor/beer/moonshine liberally”.

    *Holds up glass of wine to toast* Clink!

  5. Suzanne

    I cannot believe you would disregard your doctor’s instructions about alcohol so soon after receiving them. ;)

    Actually, after having a day such as you have described, I cannot believe you stopped with just one glass of wine!

  6. Kym

    If I was your agent and got you a job writing for sitcoms would you move to LA or NYC and pay me 20% of your salary?

    At the very least you should build a portfolio of this stuff and send it to some agents…

  7. Erin

    HIL. AR. I. OUS.

    Good stuff, Mir!

    Sometimes, I have days like that, but usually, instead of wanting to break the snowblower, or the computer, it is one of my vehicles, or my laptop.

    Well, all I can say is Merry Christmas…this will all blow over! (Hey, drink a glass of wine for me, eh?)

  8. Bakerina

    Mir, this begs to be anthologized, it really does. The good news is that my pal Tvindy is soliciting recommendations for an anthology of bloggy goodness to be printed through Cafe Press or some such self-publisher. Would it be okay if I sent him this little permalink to this most excellent post?

  9. Snow

    That’s a good call on Bakerina’s part. I can think of dozens of your posts that should be included.

    Some days, it takes a lot of medication, but the voices might be a bit of a problem. ;-)

  10. Kris

    Sorry you had such a lousy day, but thanks for the laughs. :)

  11. Suzanne

    oh yes…i’ve had those days. You almost just have to sit there and laugh…so you don’t, er…uh…sit there and cry! It will get better, I promise!

  12. Lois Lane

    I laughed, I cried, I ate a pickle! Geez, what a rotten day. I hope things are shaping up for you today!
    P.S. Have you installed the new service pack for Windows? If so, that might be your problem. Go to remove programs and get rid of that little bugged up nasty.

  13. dad

    Since you are obviously into that bottle of two buck chuck I brought you, does that that mean I have contributed to the delinquency of a minor? Oops! I forgot you are over 21.

    And just for the record, I’ve spent a lot of mindless evenings watching sitcoms on TV that are not nearly as entertaining as you. Take Kym up on her offer.

  14. bellabelly

    GAH! Hilarious, Mir! I’m glad I was in the office alone today!

  15. Hula Doula

    OH MY FREAK! YOU NEED A POTTY DISCLOSURE. Read at your own risk. May lose bladder! GHADS! Sorry (snicker)to laugh (giggle) at your most unfortunate (hahaha) day. (BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
    Have to go now. Boy is spitting Cherios to the dog!

  16. ben

    You need this somewhere near the top of your blog:

    “If you only have time to read one blog today, because you promised your wife that your family really WAS more important than your computer, then THIS IS YOUR BLOG. But go potty first.”

  17. udge

    Very funny, even if you didn’t laugh at the time. A fine piece of writing, keep on hearing the voices.

    May 2005 treat you all more kindly than 2004 did.

  18. joshilyn

    OHHHHHH my. You need your hair petted. Pass the bottle!

  19. Fraulein N

    Not laughing at you, I swear. I’m laughing … um … to you. With camaraderie. In your general direction, you know? But I’m sure you know how hilarious you are. And how patient; I would’ve used those Hulk hands on the computer.

  20. Philip

    I’m secretly pleased that I’m not the only one who anthropomorphizes inanimate objects, talks to them and then answers back for them. You however, have taken it one step further, and blogged it. If you start posting pictures of the snowblower etc. along with these asides, I’ll be really impressed . . .

  21. lu

    OMG! That was hilarious. As usual, you are laugh out loud funny and never disappoint. Mir, I so feel your pain with the computer. We are convinced that ours is possessed…one of the last messages I got while trying to restart ours was, “You are not authorized to restart this computer”..What the hell?! I responded, “The hell I’m not, buddy! Watch me push the blue button, sucka!”

  22. Lisa

    Just found your blog, via Joshilyn’s blog. I have these kinds of conversations with inanimate objects too, but it’s clearly much funnier to read someone else’s. :)(Ok…the doctor and gas station attendant MAY actually be animated. Hard to tell these days.)

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