A story in a series of short vignettes that are really only entertaining if you’ve had a glass of wine or three.
Clock: Yo, get your lazy butt outta bed.
Clock: It’s gonna be lunchtime soon, get UP.
Me: Stupid clock.
Pillow: I love you. Never leave me.
Me: Mmmmmm. Nice pillow.
Clock: Don’t you have a doctor’s appointment today?
Snowblower: I’m starting! Now I’m stopping! Ha! Now I’m starting again! Now I’m making a funny noise! Now I’m stop– just kidding! Still running!
Me: Stupid snow. Stupid snowblower. Stupid winter.
Snowblower: I’m fine! Still running! Look over there! HA! Got a little snow blown straight into your face, didja? Soooorry!
Driveway: Yay, I am nice and clear now!
Passing Snowplow: Hello, would you like a big ridge of snow at the end of the driveway? Here ya go!
Me: Stupid snowplow.
Computer: I am the blue screen of death!
Me: What the…?
Computer: Now I am rebooting. I’m acting like everything will be fine. And now I am… THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH.
Computer: Such language. Know what you get for that? The blue screen!
Me: I’ll deal with you later.
Computer: Suuuuure you will. Sucker.
Doctor: History history history, questions questions questions, hmmm uh huh I see, yes, mmm hmmm, and how do you feel now?
Me: Well… *head explodes*
Doctor: Oh. Ewwwwwww.
Me: OH. MY. GOD. I’m SO sorry. *trying to clean up little bits of brain matter with tissues*
Doctor: Ummmm… let’s double your medication. And give you some more medications. Also don’t drink any alcohol, and come see me again in a week.
Me: Uh, okay.
Doctor: Please wear a hat, next time.
Me: *drive into the gas station*
Attendant: Did you want to get some gas?
Attendant: Well, the pumps are down. For a few minutes.
Me: How long is a few minutes? Can I wait?
Attendant: Sure, it shouldn’t be too long.
Me: *sitting in nice warm car*
Passersby: *looking at me like I’m retarded because I’m sitting in my car at the pump of a self-serve station*
Me: *aging several years*
Attendant: Okay, they’re all set now!
Stupid Little Gas Cap Door Thingie: I’m frozen! Frozen solid! As in not moving! HAHAHAHAHA!
Me: Oh #&*%$&!
Attendant: Need some help?
Me: You have no idea.
Attendant: *pries open little door*
Me: Thanks very much.
Gas: *costs a billion dollars*
My fingers: *totally frozen*
Computer: Okay, fine, I will boot in safe mode. Happy?
Me: Not really.
Computer: You forgot to say “Mother May I.”
Me: Mother may I please have internet?
Computer: No. Ha!
Me: Ummm. Mother May I please back up my data?
Computer: Sure…ly not! HA! Fooled ya!
Me: Okay, um, what exactly MAY I do with you at this point?
Computer: Feel free to admire the six-inch-high icons that you get in VGA mode! Aren’t they BIG?
Me: That’s it. I’m putting in the system recovery disks. Bitch.
Computer: Proceeding will restore your computer to factory settings, erase all of your data, and causes cancer in labratory animals. Continue?
Me: Ummm. No. No, nevermind.
Computer: That’s right. Now howzabout you just sit back and enjoy a little blue screen, honey? Oh yeah.
Me: Well, I guess it’s time to clean up around here.
House: Beware the ghosts of Christmas Excess! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: *stepping on legos*
Me: *tripping on Hulk Hands*
House: Don’t say you weren’t warned.
Me: *knocking over a stack of books*
House: You know, cleanliness is overrated.
Me: I agree. Tell ya what. I’ll pick up the legos, and shove everything else kind of out of the way, and then it’ll be time for a glass of wine.
House: You’re talking to yourself again.
Me: Right! Wine first!