Again, I share because I love. If it worked for me it can work for you! And it’s guaranteed to work or I will point at you and laugh really hard. Just kidding. But really not.
It’s foolproof; I promise! Only 27 simple steps!
1) Invite friends over for a Hanukkah party. Having been raised Jewish is useful but not necessary.
2) Peel a whole mess of potatoes.
3) Realize you haven’t used your Cuisinart since this time last year. Assemble it after some difficulty. Grate potatoes. Note that it’s possible to remove the lid while the wheel is still spinning, thus sending potato slivers all over the wall.
4) Squeeze the potato shreds between paper towels to remove excess liquid. Transfer potato shreds to large bowl, dropping generous amounts on the floor.
5) Start heating oil in large electric skillet procured from the Still Good Shed at the dump.
6) Chop one small onion, scattering liberally. Add to potato bowl.
7) Sprinkle flour and salt all over the counter, er, in the bowl.
8) Add a couple of beaten eggs. Drip some on the counter. Mix it all up. (Not the counter, the stuff in the bowl!)
9) Test oil temperature by flicking a few drops of water in. If the oil jumps out and burns the crap out of your arm, it’s ready!
10) Drop potato mixture by heaping spoonfuls into the hot oil.
11) Latkes will be ready to flip after about 5 minutes.
12) Unless it turns out that someone else’s definition of “still good” actually means “has a wonky, unreliable thermostat and heats unevenly.”
13) Finish cooking first batch of latkes approximately 500 hours later while your friend berates you for assuming that an appliance from the dump would actually work.
14) Heat conventional skillet on the stove.
15) Pour remaining oil from electric skillet into the conventional skillet. Remember, it’s hot, so be sure to slop a bunch of it all over the stove.
16) Cook all eight thousand remaining latkes in the time it took to cook the first four.
17) Light candles, say blessing, eat latkes until you feel physically ill.
18) Watch three small children smear latkes all over the table, their chairs, and eventually trail little greasy bits behind them all over the floor after they’re excused.
19) You’re full now, so only have three or four more latkes.
20) Seriously, put down your fork and back away from the table. Christ.
21) Exchange presents and play dreidel.
22) Bid friends farewell; shower children, put them to bed.
23) Come back downstairs and check email.
24) Wander into the kitchen for a glass of water because you can feel grease oozing out of your every pore.
25) Realize that every single inch of the kitchen is covered with splattered oil, potato starch, congealed applesauce, and/or little bits of potatoes and onions.
26) Start scrubbing, on the theory that perhaps you can burn off a fraction of the calories you just consumed. Also because you are afraid of what might happen if you leave this sort of mess to harden overnight.
27) Vow to have the Hanukkah party at your friend’s house, next year.
See how easy that was?