Reality check

By Mir
December 3, 2004

Oh, my. Here I was busy just having a little chuckle over the day’s events, and y’all have me paired off and married to the guy, already. Slow down, people. Goodness. There’s still plenty of time for him to turn out to be a psycho, or just never call at all. Wait and see, willya?

In other news, day-to-day life goes on. I went grocery shopping with a friend, yesterday afternoon, which resulted in deep discussion of multiple important issues. At the outset of our trip I mentioned that I hoped Coke was on sale because I was experiencing a critical shortage of Diet Coke with Lime, which caused my friend to snort and declare that I am not allowed to use the term “critical shortage” to describe my diet soda addiction. Of course, as her solution to this issue was that I should instead addict myself to coffee only (as if the Diet Coke with Lime wasn’t just a handy filler between cups of coffee, already), this was an intellectual debate that continued clear to aisle twelve or so.

Later she insisted that her bagger was at least 100 years old. I countered that he couldn’t have possibly been a day over 85. And still later that evening when she called to tell me that he hadn’t packed her pork chops (try saying that ten times fast!) I was able to assure her that indeed he had, because I had been transfixed, watching him bag in old-person slow-motion, and she needed to check her car again. (The pork chops were later found under the seat. She cooked them for dinner.)

In further scintillating news, my children are disturbing, but cute.

This morning the Christmas tree didn’t light up. Upon investigation I found that–according to the plug-in timer–we were having breakfast at three in the afternoon. “Who has been messing with the tree timer?” I bellowed.

“Not me!” came the predictable chorus.

Chickadee does feel a bit guilty when she lies. Sometimes. She attempted to make it up to me by brightening my morning with a joke. Now, if you know me, you know that I believe the funniest answer to “Why did the chicken cross the road?” is “To get to the other side.” I cannot explain to you why I believe that is the One True Answer to that query. It just is. And in a household where the offered answer to “Why did the chicken cross the road?” is just as likely to be “Hippo!” or “Poop!” or “Because I puked!”, it’s important to be in touch with the chicken’s true motives.

So, shortly after the discovery of the tree time warp, Chickadee asked me why the chicken crossed the playground.

“I don’t know, honey. Eat your breakfast. Why did the chicken cross the playground?”

“To get to the other SLIDE! Get it??”

You know what? I did get it. And I thought it was pretty funny. So I stopped being annoyed about the tree. And I wrote “Why did the turkey cross the grocery store? To get away from the cranberry sauce! Okay, yours was funnier” on her lunch napkin before I packed it.

But then I went into the mudroom to assemble backpacks and shoes, and discovered that Chickadee’s sneakers are now sans insoles. “Chickadee! What happened to the insides of your shoes?”

“I don’t know.” I could feel my eyes narrowing my gaze into a laserbeam.

“Come see me when you figure it out,” I said in measured tones. She hopped right out of her chair and ran over to me.

“But… Mama… I just… they were hurting my feet! I threw them away!”


Meanwhile, Monkey was quietly eating his breakfast. And caressing–yes, caressing, nay, fondling–a small blue bead he found on the playground a few days ago. He runs his fingertips over it and rubs it on his face and declares to no one in particular that this is his very favorite lovey bead and it is so special to him.

Don’t all be jealous of my life at once, now.


  1. JuJuBee

    Grrr…I have the same problem with timers in my house. Mr.JuJu uses them on every-damn-thing and LittleJuJu just can’t resist playing with them. You never know when lights or tree will come on in our house.

  2. Amy

    Don’t know if you are a Lord of The Rings fan, but describing Monkey fondling his bead, all I can think of is:

    “My presscioussss”

  3. RockStar Mommy

    At least your kids are CUTE, at least they say the cutest things ever! It’s like Bill Cosby is drilling them or something.

    At least your kid doesn’t take a massive dump while taking a bath, thus negating the bath, making you have to drain the tub, clean the tub, refill the tub, and bathe all over again!

  4. Ben

    My oldest will tell you: “I’m really into crystals.”

    Not rocks, mind you, crystals. I pull the chicken out of the freezer. “Look at those crystals.” “they are ice crystals” I say. “Yes, but they are made out of crystals.”

    And I so need to try the line ‘come see me when you figure it out.’ So beats “My head will explode on the count of three if you don’t tell me” because they always (always) wait to see if this time my head actually WILL explode. They wait until ‘four.’

  5. Marcia

    Sounds like a pretty good life to me. ;)

  6. dad

    Your post prompted me to check what was under the seat of my car. As Roseanne Rosanna Dana said so eloquently “there was stuff there, you don’t wanna know what it is.”

    I know pork chops are supposed to be cooked well done, but, even then, unless she is one of those fanatics who keeps her car spotless, I have to admire the courage of your friend to eat anything from that venue.

    And don’t forget to be careful with your old person remarks. I’m getting dangerously close.

  7. beachgal

    I tried to post earlier, and I don’t know what happened….hopefully it’s not a delay and I’m reposting…..anyway.

    This is first post, after spending most of the week reading your archives. Love your site, your kids sound great!

  8. Michele

    Now let me get this right, you mention: diet coke with lime, missing pork chops, non-working timers, chicken jokes, insoles, and lovey beads AND you still want us NOT to be jealous?

    Pleazze! You SHOULDA know better.

  9. Scully

    We’ve discussed. Well at least I think we have.

    Stop making me giggle like a giddy 8 year old girl’s who’s waiting in line for Britney Spears to sign her Hit One More Time album.

    You are a funny, funny lady.

    Hey, I would have thrown the insoles out as well.

    And exactly how pretty is that bead?

  10. rudolf

    Ah, Chickadee’s an emerging punner, I know that would make me proud!

    She just needs to do a little bit more sole-searching, and she’ll be all set for life.

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