Pastor: You know how hard it is when you’re learning to ride a bike?
Monkey: Yeah! One time I was riding my bike and my wheel FELL OFF! Mama should FIX THAT!
Pastor: This week marks the beginning of our annual stewardship campaign, so it’s time to start thinking about your financial commitment for the coming year…
Me: Let’s see, 10% of nothing is, wait–don’t tell me–
Me: What? No, I haven’t found a job yet. Thanks for asking.
Me: What? No, the Family Festival falls on a weekend when I won’t have the kids, so I probably won’t be coming.
Me: What? Oh, thanks. TAKE THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!
Friend: Does Chickadee want to come hang with us during the party?
Chickadee: Can I please do that instead of going to the Little Kid party?
Me: Hmmm, okay, I think that’d be alright.
At the party
Them: Where’s Chickadee?
Me: I let her accept this other invitation because I am a poor excuse for a mother and you only invited her out of kindness and pity on my single mom status, and rather than taking this as a golden opportunity to teach about honoring commitments I was mostly just happy she didn’t ask me for a pony this week.
Everyone: Blah blah blah my husband blah blah blah couple-things blah blah blah money money money.
Me: Look! Coffee! In a shiny pot!
Everyone: Dance lessons horseback riding soccer library group enrichment shopping my husband blah blah blahbity blah.
Me: Mmmmm coffee.
Random Woman: Blah blah blah new to town blah blah I think the whole dump phenomenon is so charming, and the Still Good Shed is such a great idea!
Me: Don’t tell anyone in the Junior League that you took stuff from the Still Good Shed.
Other Random Woman: My best friend is president of the Juniors.
Me: Oh. Wow. That’s great. I need some more coffee.
Back home again
Monkey: Candy? Can I eat this candy?
Me: No, you’ve had enough sweets for today.
Me: Go change your clothes.
Chickadee: Monkey won’t give me–
Monkey: Chicky took my–
Me: Give it to me, whatever it is.
Me: Head. going. to. explode.
Chickadee: Meatloaf? I hate meatloaf!
Monkey: What’re these green things? I don’t want them.
Chickadee: I hate ketchup.
Monkey: I’m not hungry.
Chickadee: Why do you make us such gross stuff?
Monkey: Yeah, Mama.
Me: Did anyone here make anything else for dinner that we can eat, instead?
Them: *blank stares*
Me: Right. Then it appears this is all we have. Eat it or don’t.
It’s like being a hermit. Except with a lot more driving around. And responsibility. And whining. And feeling like a misfit. But other than that, exactly the same. Sort of. (Even my metaphors suck, today.)