There’s a party at my house tonight. You’re all invited! Unfortunately, it’s a theme party. Specifically, a pity party. So you all may bring cheese, and chocolate, and crises; and I will supply copious quantities of whine and bread pudding, and we will watch the season premiere of ER and take a break from wailing about our difficult lives to make snarky comments about how ER just hasn’t been the same since George Clooney left.
It promises to be quite a night. I hope you can come.
But first! I must settle the children in with the babysitter, who will entertain them for about fifteen minutes before putting them to bed and eating all of my food. She also likes to drink my Diet Coke With Lime–which is fine with me; I’m a good sharer–but it remains one of the great mysteries of the ages what she does with the cans. Maybe she eats them. They are never anywhere in view. After this happened a few times, I searched the trash and the recycling. I can’t figure it out. Perhaps she thinks her consumption of my liquid ambrosia will anger me, and so she seeks to cover it up. Oddly enough, I’d rather she drink twice the quantity of soda and leave the stupid Go-Gurt tubes alone. After she sits on Thursday nights, I invariably find myself running late in the morning and packing lunches, only to discover that there is only one tube of Go-Gurt left. My kids love Go-Gurt. For an adult or a teen? Well, it’s only two ounces of yogurt. I’d think anyone over the age of 8 could resist the lure of yogurt in a tube. Maybe I’ll just ask her to please eat two if she must indulge, because that at least leaves me with an even number.
So, I will get the kids ready for bed, kiss my consumables and my offspring good-bye, and head off to choir practice. Where many lovely and well-meaning people will ask me if I have found a job yet. Also the creepy old widowed guy will ask me far too many personal questions and I will end up insulting him right to his face in ways that he doesn’t quite get. Because I am the model of a good Christian. And while all of this is happening I will smile and assure everyone that I am just fine and the right job is out there waiting for me, and please do not worry yourselves because everything is great! Let’s sing now!
And then I shall come home and give the sitter a bunch of money to thank her for eating my food and watching my television, and then we can start the party. Woooo!