Panic. Complete, total, utter panic.

I was sitting here… minding my own business… finishing up the Mother’s Day gifts for the grandmothers (yes, thank you, I know today’s date… there were technical difficulties beyond my control and… why am I explaining this??)… when the phone rings.

It’s Eric, or maybe it’s Erik, I really don’t know, and he’s calling me from the 401 area code, and I have no idea where that is, but if I haven’t mentioned before that I love having Caller ID, I really do, and I would like to thank the Ex for the early days of post-separation insanity wherein he felt the need to call my house a hundred times a day, prompting me to get said Caller ID, anyway, back to Eric, he’s calling to inform me that my bank is making exciting new changes to their online banking this Summer! Hurray for them! And I am just about to hang up on his cheery earnest script-reading self when he jubilantly proclaims that as a part of these changes, customers will no longer be able to receive e-bills online through the bank. But stay tuned for exciting new functionality….

“Back up,” I said. “I can’t get e-bills anymore? Why not?”

There is a pause. Eric or Erik clears his throat.

“Ma’am,” (nothing endears me to a young twerp more than being called ma’am as if I’m twice my actual age, let me tell you), “you can still elect to receive e-bills through arrangement with your various billers, just not through our online banking.”

“Ummm… you said the bank is bringing an updated interface and exciting new functionality… this sounds to me like a revocation of services. How is that beneficial?”

Eric or Erik could be heard flipping through his script. I don’t think he knows what revocation means. But I’m guessing he could tell that I was annoyed.

“Ma’am,” (there it is again) “I’m really not sure why they’ve decided to do this, but I’m sure there will be even better functionality in its place once the upgrade is complete.”

I resisted the temptation to ask what functionality would be better than the extraordinary convenience of having all my bills linked to my checking account in one place, save for the bank perhaps paying off those bills before I ever even saw them. With someone else’s money (natch).

I also resisted the temptation to scream “You fool! Do you have any idea how long it took me to get my finances organized to a level where I no longer break out in hives every time I log on to my account? DO YOU???”

Furthermore, (and here is the very nicest part, because I’m all about loving my neighbors, figurative and otherwise) I have resisted the overwhelmingly strong urge to include the name of my financial institution in this post. I was asked to “stay tuned” and that I shall, and if the Summer brings me the banking travesty I fear it may, then I will of course put links to my bank’s online consumer grievance area all over my site.

Bah.