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Merry Christmas, you smell

by Mir on November 20, 2007 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Retail Therapy

I love Christmas. I love everything about it. This is what happens when you grow up Jewish and realize that accepting Christ into your heart means pretty shiny ornaments on a twinkling tree and stockings hung by the chimney with care. Overdone commercialism aside (can we put that aside? can we pretend to, at least?), I love the whole season of anticipation.

Plus, we already know that I love to shop, so what better way to indulge my love of a good bargain hunt than to go searching for goodies for all of my loved ones? It’s a little slice of heaven.

(And just in case there was any doubt at all as to my shopping prowess and patience when it comes to The Big Deal, this year Santa is bringing Chickadee a doll which was purchased over seven years ago, is now discontinued, and sells on eBay for roughly ten times what I, er, he, paid for it. Oh yeah, baby. I think I need a cigarette.) (more…)

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Comments { 39 }

The road to hell is paved with justified purchases

by Mir on October 31, 2007 in Retail Therapy, The Year of Living Changerously

You know what today is, right? No, no… not Halloween. I mean, yes, it IS Halloween, but that’s not what I’m talking about. OBVIOUSLY it’s Halloween, and I know that mostly because I spent three hours last night finishing Monkey’s costume, because I am nothing if not a champion procrastinator.

Today is the day our new dining room table and chairs are available for pick-up!

Oh, did I not mention that? About the dining room furniture? I totally meant to. I mean, inbetween NOT buying any furniture because THE MONEY, OH GOD THE MONEY and then HOORAY! IT’S ON SALE NOW! and this other big thing which was potentially going to cost a bunch of money and had me sulking around the house all I JUST DON’T GET TO HAVE ANYTHING NICE BECAUSE I’M A STUPID LOSER (yes, it IS hard being me, why do you ask?) and then that thing turning out to not happen—which sort of felt like FOUND MONEY—we then decided to buy the furniture and I totally meant to tell you about it. (more…)

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Comments { 44 }

A very special talent

by Mir on October 13, 2007 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Retail Therapy

So if you had the WHOLE DAY to go do absolutely anything you wanted to WITHOUT CHILDREN, what would you do?

If you were me and Otto, you’d (finally!) go over to Pier 1 with that $25 gift card the realtor gave us in June and promptly fall in love with the most expensive dining room table and chairs in the place.

(It costs… slightly more than $25.) (And by “slightly” I of course mean HOLY HELL, BACK AWAY FROM THE LEATHER CHAIRS WHILST YOU OWN TWO HOUSES, CRAZYHEADS.)

The rest of the day was sort of a wash, after that. We had to use the rest of the afternoon to ponder whether we’re stupid beyond belief or just have impeccable taste. And don’t think our empty dining room isn’t mocking us while we wonder, either.

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Comments { 18 }

. . . for my tote bag tells me so

by Mir on October 10, 2007 in Retail Therapy, The Year of Living Changerously

This morning while the children slurped their Cheerios and I slumped at the kitchen table, half awake, sipping at my orange juice, Otto slid a section of newspaper across the tabletop to me.

PUBLIX GRAND OPENING TODAY, 7:00 AM!

I checked the clock. 6:45.

Chickadee craned her neck, allowing her to read sideways instead of just upside down. “MOM! It’s today! You should go right now! Otto can take us to school!” Methinks my daughter is tired of walking up and down the aisles at Kroger with me while I comment on the fruit flies, the gray meat, and the fact that no one seems to actually work there.

“Well, I don’t think I’ll go right NOW,” I answered, “because I’m just not sure I need to be walking into Publix in my PAJAMAS.”

“But MOM!” she continued, having read the full-page ad top to bottom, now, “You can get a FREE TOTE BAG!” (more…)

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Comments { 85 }

About 1000 pieces

by Mir on October 8, 2007 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Retail Therapy

Chickadee and I have been talking about working on a jigsaw puzzle together as sort of our special girl time project. For whatever reason she doesn’t consider all of the things we do together on any given day to count as special time, things like cooking or doing laundry or discussing why none of her jeans fit her anymore on account of she grew three inches this summer or me yelling at her to pick her junk up off the floor. Go figure. So we decided to get a puzzle and set it up in the dining room and try to work on it a little bit every day.

The challenge, of course, will be that she wants it to be something for JUST US and I can already see how this is going to become An Issue because everything must be completely fair, and after Monkey finishes wailing and gnashing his teeth he’ll probably insist that I set up ANOTHER puzzle which is just for me and HIM, and then Chickie will complain that now HER puzzle is no longer SPECIAL and I will have to sell both of them (the kids, not the puzzles, because I rather enjoy puzzles) on eBay.

But in the meantime, because I am a glutton for punishment, I have agreed to this plan. (more…)

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Comments { 38 }

Bridal bonehead

by Mir on April 28, 2007 in Retail Therapy, The Year of Living Changerously, What do I do all day?

I had to prove that I was legally divorced before I was allowed to obtain a marriage license.

If there was such a thing as a bridal license requiring proof of girlyness, the people at town hall would still be pointing and laughing, and I would be all out of luck.

Today I grabbed a friend and spend the day pretty much trying to finish up all of the wedding-related things that required tending to. Along the way I learned that I am lacking a basic gene, the one all women are supposed to have, the one that causes a female to care deeply about every aspect of her wedding day.

It’s not that I don’t care about the MARRIAGE. I care—deeply—about that. It’s the actual wedding itself where I’ve ceased to have strong opinions. (more…)

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Comments { 37 }

It’s only money

by Mir on April 3, 2007 in Retail Therapy, What do I do all day?

My levels of cheapskatery are legendary. It causes me pain to part with my money (“Ouch! My caution!”) and I would probably benefit from a 12-step program dedicated to admitting that I am powerless over my bank statements.

Barring any such program, do you know what’s the best way to get over your aversion to spending? That’s right! Getting married! Because anyone who tells you that getting married is about finding your one special someone and uniting with them in holy matrimony has NEVER GOTTEN MARRIED BEFORE. There’s no reason to do it UNLESS you’ve found that special someone, of course, but it’s really all about everything costing too much money. (more…)

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Comments { 34 }

Back to normal(ish)

by Mir on April 2, 2007 in Retail Therapy, The Year of Living Changerously

I think I am officially All Better now. No longer sick! No longer so tired that just remaining upright makes me weep! It’s all good.

It’s as though I awoke from a fog, looked around, and declared OH MY GOD I’M GETTING MARRIED IN JUST OVER A MONTH OH HOLY HELL WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS? (Answer: It may have been my idea. Back when Otto and I got back together, and I was all about living in the moment, what with my “Do not even do this unless you mean it this time, I’m SERIOUS” schtick.)

So I’ve got about a month to put together a wedding. At least I’m not doing anything else while I do that. HAHAHAHAHA! Lord, I’m having flashbacks to when I planned my first wedding, while still in grad school. I thought that was hard. (more…)

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Comments { 37 }

Directions for a three-showing Saturday

by Mir on March 31, 2007 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Retail Therapy

Get up. Remind children not to touch anything. Encourage them to play on the computer, as that involves moving only a chair and a mouse.

Bake triple-berry muffins, because it makes the house smell good. (“Mmmmm, this house smells great. Let’s buy it!”) Feed muffins to children for breakfast. Argue with one boychild who would rather have a pop-tart than a freshly-baked muffin wherein the berries are—horrors!!—still identifiable. Try to reason with him. Try to cajole him. Dare him to taste the muffin. Lose temper and call him a freak. Tell him you told him so when he finally tries it and declares it good.

Shower. Get dressed. Have children get dressed. Make all the beds. Arrange all the towels just so. Go dry hair. Discover children messing up the towels. Yell. Catch yourself, stop yelling. Rearrange towels. (more…)

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Comments { 25 }

It helped a little

by Mir on March 5, 2007 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Retail Therapy

With all of the recent events and stressors swirling around in my head, I did the only two things that made clear sense.

First: I informed Chickadee that her ass is MINE this week. Slavery is BACK, baybee. She came home from school and did all of her homework for the week and then scrubbed toilets until it was time to go with Daddy. A good start, says I. My house shall gleam by Friday. And she went willingly, and then (unprompted) came and snuggled up with me tonight with her book about divorce and asked me to read with her for a bit. (She may not know why she did what she did, but she is sorry, and she knows she needs to deal with stuff, and she’s still talking. So let’s call it a victory.)

Second: I shopped for shoes. And they’ll be here tomorrow. And it’s a little sad how much that cheered me up, but how can you not be a little happy about $100 shoes for $12? It’s a sign that the universe is still a good place.

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Comments { 22 }
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