It’s today. I am declaring it to be today. Right now.
It’s International Special Needs Kids Amnesty Day.
So here’s the deal: There are plenty of kids with special needs whose challenges you can easily see. You know what it means when a kid is in a wheelchair—you wouldn’t expect him to get up and walk. You know what it means when a kid has the tell-tale facial features of Down Syndrome—you wouldn’t expect him to do some calculus for you.
But for every kid whom you recognize, there’s another one—maybe more than one—who has special needs you can’t easily discern, and those kids are sorely in need of a break from your judgmental jackassery. I am in need of a break from it, because GUESS WHAT! I have enough crap to deal with right now.
So it’s today. You may wish to take notes, because I’m going to tell you how it’s done:
Rules for International Special Needs Kids Amnesty Day
1) You start from a place of assuming that every child you see is a good human being worthy of love and acceptance. Because they are.
2) You further assume that if said kid—who is, remember, a good human being because that’s what children are, GOOD HUMAN BEINGS—is behaving in a way you find objectionable, it may be because there are some issues at play which you don’t understand.
3) You resist the urge to assume that said child’s parent is ineffective, spoiling the child, incapable of discipline, or otherwise creating this behavior in the child.
4) Under no circumstances do you indulge in gossip with other parents about what a rotten, unmanageable child that is. Not even if you think it will never get back to the kid’s parents. Because it will. And it’s a shitty thing to do, particularly to parents who are already emotionally tapped out from trying to deal with their kid’s issues.
5) Practice saying this, instead: “How can I help?” If that doesn’t work for you, then just shut your mouth. Your mama told you that when you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything. And she was right.
6) We bandy about phrases like “Don’t judge until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes” and “Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a battle,” but how often do we actually heed those words? Let me ask you something else: If you’re seeing a kid who is truly out of control, do you really, honestly, deep in your black little heart, think the parents are oblivious or don’t care, and/or that this is a happy child? This is a family in crisis. Don’t make it worse. Just don’t. Because unless you are following steps 1-5, YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE.
And people, I get it. Believe me, there isn’t a special needs family alive that hasn’t gotten the message LOUD AND CLEAR about what their family looks like to the outside world. We know. It’s enough to deal with, already. Trust me.
Today I declare amnesty. I want one day. ONE DAY. One day where I’m not embarrassed or ashamed or flat-out horrified because of your reaction to my struggling child. Or ANY struggling child.
Just one day. Please? (Who knows, if you can go one day, maybe you can go one more day after that, and then another after that, and maybe, JUST MAYBE, eventually I won’t have to hate people anymore. Crazy concept, huh?)
Here, here!!
Great post, Mir…. may EVERY day turn into an amnesty day for all of us with special needs kids!!
YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!
Noted and granted. I hope everyone else gives you a day too.
(And I’m sorry people can be so thoughtless and awful. It sucks.)
AMEN!!!! Thank you for putting in to words what we all deal with in some way shape or form. I know now that I have my son and what I go through with him, I no longer judge any child that is misbehaving. I’ve walked and I am walking a mile in those shoes. Thank You again!!!
{{{Hugs}}}… You are absolutely right. Wish there was more I could do for you, right NOW…
I’m in.
-otto
Aw Mir, this should be a worldwide official holiday! Sadly, much of the time my boy needs amnesty from the judgements of our very own family… Hang in there!
Yes! Yes, yes yes! There should be this special day of amnesty! From the Mom of a daughter that is “normal” in every way, exept she needs purple glasses to see words properly, has LD’s in reading, writing and math and has some anxiety issues that have her mis-behave and then she gets bullied for it (and in turn gets called a bully). It sure would be nice to have other parents “see” what is going on and realize that she and her parents need a little compassion in their day.
Mir, HUGS to you, this is why I love your writing, because you speak to the hurting parent in me.
Yes. I need one of these please. Please.
I’m in. Am linking to you from my blog and encourage others to do the same. Because, seriously.
(Hugs.)
Mir for President!
Oy. I am sorry Mir. I am in, and hope you can edumacate the offending idiot on tolerance.
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}
Well said. Hugs to you from North Dakota.
I will help. Gladly.
You’ve had it rough lately, huh?
xoxo
this is the truth!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this!!!!!!
I am definitely in. These are words of wisdom.
Well said – and granted.
it’s funny (not funny ha-ha but more like cosmically appropriate) that i should read this today, because i realized as i was getting in the car this morning that i have been elevating myself on a very high horse lately about other people’s parenting. i don’t mean to. i think it didn’t even occur to me, until today when i was thinking back about a few things that had come out of my mouth of late, that it had gotten out of control.
mainly, since we’re expecting Baby soon, i try to observe, file, and reflect. what would i do differently? what would we like to do? i don’t think these are bad moves. the bad moves come when you take that a step further, start editorializing or not giving people the benefit of the doubt, or assuming that after scant observation you know exactly what causes a kid to behave the way they do.
“shame on me” was my thought as i drove to work just now, and reading this just cements it. here’s to repenting from my own bad behavior and hoping to cut everyone not only slack but also give empathy and understanding generously.
i’m sorry, on behalf of all well-meaning idiots everywhere. sometimes we really don’t know we’re doing it. many of us are grateful for people like you to smack us into understanding every once in a while.
and hugs to you and Monkey and your whole family. you’ll make it. you really, really will.
Excellent plan with one addition: may we make it retroactive so I can erase some of my memories? It would free up a lot of space in my brain. Wishing you strength and love.
I love you and your pretty hair and your awesome mom-ness. That is all.
Yes, I’m in. And I’m sorry that in today’s world that these words even need to be said. (And even more sorry that I’ve been guilty of judgment. I promise to remember your rules of amnesty)
{{{hugs!}}}
Hey, where ARE those forehead stickers????
Wonderful! I’m in. And remember, these kids grow up to be adults who still have issues. Please don’t look at us askance because my adult daughter still likes to hold my hand in public. It gives her a level of comfort and security in what can be a very scary world. And it certainly doesn’t mean that she does not have a lot to contribute to the world.
I don’t know if I’ve ever “said” this to you before but following your blog and reading your stories about Monkey HAVE made me a better, less judgmental human being. I remember being in a store recently where there was a small child in a carriage whining incessantly. The “old me” would’ve been thinking “Would that mom PLEASE do something about that” but, instead, the “new me” looked at her and smiled an “I understand” smile.
(Course, if he WAS just being a brat and she was a mom that just didn’t want to change that behavior, I take it all back!)
So, enjoy your day of amnesty and congratulate yourself for educating ignoramouses (is so a word!) like me!
The world would be a better place if people could just curb their tendency toward negativity. Baring that, keeping their mouths shut is a good place to start. Happy ISNKA Day!
My heart goes out to you Mir.
Teachergirl said it well. As as very imperfect human and mom, I’m sorry to admit that I’ve been one of those people on occasion as well. Thanks for the reminder.
Hear, hear! And the amnesty should extend to the siblings of said special needs kids, as well. The siblings have to live with loving their brother or sister, knowing they’re supposed to be tolerant but also resenting the hell out of being on an emotional roller coaster they have nothing to do with.
You are awesome!
Well said, Mir. I’ve found that those judgmental “moms” most often need to quit judging others and pay a little more attention to their own parenting. (Me, in my head: “Yes, my child has special needs, we have to go about things a little non-traditional at times… What’s your excuse?”
Thank you Mir, for the reminder, and thank you teachergirl for your transparency.
I’m sending my 20 readers over to this post to check it out.
I have been made more aware of the mean things that come out of my mouth too just by reading you. I promise to try harder. Being judged sucks. *hugs*
Amen and Amen.
I hope you get your day, Mir!
And I would like to say too, that reading your blog and your tales of Monkey have made me more aware of my tendency to judge what’s going on with other families and to be more generous with cutting them a lot more slack. You are making a difference, even if you don’t feel it in your everyday.
Amen. I wish everyone around me were, too. Thank you for being a voice for so many.
AMEN! I hear your pain there Mir, and I’m so sorry. I’ve been there in the past, and I’m sure I’ll be there in the future. It just plain sucks.
Granted! And hopefully the streak will last many, many days! Maybe we could also just call it “Giving human beings the benefit of the doubt day/week/month/year”. At least I’m going to give it a shot.
Sign me up. But I’m hoping for a little more than a day.
Can I say that with the Season of Combat Shopping coming up this is very, very timely? I will be a happier person I know by deliberately choosing tolerance instead of the very stressful, very negative judgementalism that is so easy to fall into.
Having thought 4th and 5th grade Sunday School for over 10 years I can tell you that I had at least 2 (often more) students in my class every year who were dealing with some kind of special needs and it often wasn’t obvious until I got to know the kids.
And I think that is the key that I find adults often forget. How can we judge anyone we don’t know?
well said, well said!
Here, here! As the mother of a (now adult) child with an invisible disability, I support this wholeheartedly.
Also, please for teachers, guidance counsellors and the like to actually provide the support they’re meant to provide or get the hell outa Dodge because if it’s hard to handle the censure of those who have no experience with invisible handicaps, it is triply hard to tolerate from those who are meant to understand by dint of training and work experience and who label themselves ‘professionals.’
What your dad said!!!!!!
Amen, Mir. And can I add, for those of us with children with very obvious special needs, that child you are staring at is just that – a child – and probably understands more than you think.
Thanks for writing this.
As many have said, AMEN. Even though I know sometimes that judging parent is ME, the parent of a special needs kid. I like to think, though, that I only judge quietly, inside my head, and that I only–OK, mostly–do it to parents who are cursing at/hitting their tantrumming children, not the kids themselves.
But I do have a question…Do I have to think of even the KIDS who judge/bully my special needs child as GOOD HUMAN BEINGS? Really? Even the one who rolled her eyes and said, “Oh, no. Not N in my class again! Ewwww…” loudly and right in front of him? (Yes, it was three years ago. No, I haven’t forgiven her. Yes, I use bad words to describe her. But only quietly, inside my head. Or to my husband. OK, OK. She’s a…good……human……..I can’t do it.)
I’m in too. And.. I just heard about an academy you might want to look into for future reference.. I had no idea I was horse back riding with a person who is actually a vital part of this academy and has much knowledge about Aspergers and education. I’ll e-mail the link to you.
.
Mir, my hearing impairment is a completely different animal, I know. But I can relate to the handicap not being “visable” and people being downright rude in your face because they don’t “see” your disability. Now as an adult, I can deal very well with the rudeness, but a child should never have to. Ever.
I’m sorry you’ve been handed this by people who don’t know better, apparently.
Can’t tell you how much I agree with this. Doesn’t need to apply just to specific “special needs kids”. I think everyone is dealing with something. Granted some people’s somethings are more difficult than other’s, but we could all use some compassion. We could all stand to dish out more compassion than judgement too. What a good lesson to teach our kids, special needs or not.
Seconded, thirded and fourthed! As the mom of a kid with a not-so-visible disability, I’ve dealt with many of those looks and murmured comments and exclusions. I think many people put so much emphasis on being “perfect” (defined by themselves) that they forget the important thing is to be kind, empathetic and compassionate.
OMG THIS TOTALLY ROCKS.
I love this part “Believe me, there isn’t a special needs family alive that hasn’t gotten the message LOUD AND CLEAR about what their family looks like to the outside world. We know. It’s enough to deal with, already.” SO FREAKING TRUE.
You rawk.
I am all in for this Mir! Actually, do you mind if I link to this from my personal Facebook page? Because people really just don’t get it!
I’m in.
Although, I think I started the movement last night when I gave the 12 year old popping his gum on the front row of a very adult meeting a break and refrained from handing him a tissue in which to dispose of his gum.
And I’m sorry.
Well, I was going to declare it “Punch Judgmental A$$hats in the Face Day”, but okay fine, we’ll go with yours.
I would grant amnesty. And cookies. I’m really sorry things are tough for you right now.
Amen!
And just for extra measure put your little family in my prayers for the night. Because some days it really is just. too. much. Chin up! Deep Breath. And give him a hug, because you’ll feel better.
It horrifies me – people just horrify me. As the mother of a “normal” <–(wtf ever THAT means) child, I am just astounded when other mothers/parents see an out of control, upset, acting out child and don't at least automatically LOOK AT THE PARENT/GUARDIAN OF THAT CHILD WITH A SMILE OF SYMPATHY. Every. Single. One. of us has had that day. THAT DAY. And rather than at the least, offer a smile and a nod, or at the most a "how can I help?", these people would rather judge.
This is why I would love to live on a deserted island. With airplane cocktail delivery every evening. GAH. Love you Mir.
Everyone needs this message. I was in the grocery store with my special needs stepdaughter. She was having a good day. Another kid was misbehaving and it was angering my kid because it wasn’t right. She went stomping towards the kid to reprimand him. I stopped her and asked her how many times she had acted just like that in public. She got offended first and then realized that she wasn’t going to win this discussion. Coincidence or not, she’s been very good in public lately.
I’m in.
Can we just make it a mind your own business day? Because at 8 months pregnant, I was in Walmart where an employee felt the need to share with me how she thought I was really getting BIG! My husband said I shoulkd have acted shocked and said that yes, there must be something wrong, I would be visiting the mayo clinic soon for fear it is a tumor:)
Amen to that! May it continue longer than one day.
Mir, you are amazing and I love you. Reading about Monkey in the past has already made me try so much harder to remember that it is never my place to judge, and to be more compassionate to everyone I see. Which, actually, has had the unintended consequence of making me both happier and more centered. I’m so with you on this, and I wish I could get certain people I know to read this.
I posted this as a link on my Facebook page. Hope that’s OK. I think it’s a great message and wanted to share!
Well said. I raised 4 children all had special needs. All “looked” normal…no one understood.
Here! Here! I completely agree. As the mother of 5 special needs kids, I am completely OVER getting the looks from parents and hearing the snide remarks. This really should be a National Holiday.
Amen! Agree!
Amen
Wow. On so many levels…just…wow.
You really made me think with this one. I realize with my kiddo’s Down Syndrome his obvious differences (almond shaped eyes and whatnot) may make our lives easier in ways I didn’t imagine before. I wonder how his behavior, quirks, etc., would have been viewed if they were contained within a different “package.” Thank you for opening my eyes. I think that society has come a long way toward accepting people who are different, when they look different, but we need to come even further to accept the folks who don’t look different but are. Am I making sense or just babbling? I think you get what I mean. Or at least I hope you know I mean no harm.
Thank you for reminding me to extend more grace and more patience. I think it’s a lesson we all can benefit from.
Yes and Granted! I will practice mine better tomorrow…… not so good today :( my bad!!
First, “jackassery” might just be my favorite new word.
Second, Thank You and Amen.
Maybe I do have a black little heart, because those smug, self-satisfied parents with the perfect child(ren)? The ones who judge? They’re going to get theirs one day. I’m counting on it.
When I finally run into you in person, I have a big hug saved up.
Can we have one of those days for adults with special needs? ‘Cause for once I would like people upon meeting me and finding out that I do not work, I would like them to not automatically assume I am a lazy, worthless, advantage taking burn out.
I needed this today, as I was kind of guilty of some of this the other night. I was a bit upset with a child at a meeting I was at and his mother’s (seeming) lack of interest in what he was doing, and we DID indulge in the gossip afterwards. I do stand corrected.
Yeah, everyone, is rubbernecking, as you struggle to fix a flat tire, and they are even backing up traffic, but the problem is not that you have a flat tire and what others think about it, it’s what are you going to do to fix the tire, get back on the road of life, and keep it movin’!
“JUST MAYBE, eventually I won’t have to hate people anymore.”
I don’t know that your hatred towards anyone will help you in any way. Those you hate, may not even know your feelings, and are most likely not losing sleep over this feeling you havee. Whether you choose to hate people or not is up to you, but continuing to hate others for the situation your family suffers through, will do nothing to help you or your child. That’s one emotion you should let go of – it’s wasted energy. Also, it sounds as though the “hate” you have for those who make you feel bad, is now possibly being transferred to your child. I may be wrong, but now you may resent and blame your child for the “embarrassment” you say you now experience on a daily basis.
[Ed. note: This was left from a fake email address, so my email to Netherland thanking him/her for proving my point about judgmental jackassery bounced back to me. Darn!]
I have one of those normal looking special needs kids, too. (((Mir)))
I don’t know if I counted as a special needs child, but I suffered from fairly severe OCD as an older child, and the people I needed the most amnesty from were my own parents. I hope all parents will realize that special needs come in different forms, and just because their child looks normal and is smart and mostly acts normal, they don’t have unusual problems.
My biggest problem was that I always felt someone would break into our house, and I had lots of ways with dealing with it, at one point needing to always be the first person in the house to go to bed, and at others needing to stay up all night until daylight made me feel safer. My father mostly reacted by yelling at me for not going to bed at a reasonable hour, and my mother mostly reacted by acting upset that I didn’t feel our house was safe. Neither helped matters at all. I had compulsions and obsessions I couldn’t control.
May all parents be as good as you in accommodating their children’s special needs.
Oh boy, oh yes. PLEASE. Fortheloveofgod – ONE DAY.
My son had a meltdown in the supermarket today. I made it through 3 aisles with him screeching and biting and kicking me before I left. I took him to the car, strapped him in and let him scream while I sat there and listened. Because it was a meltdown. Because during a meltdown, I CAN’T FIX HIM. There were people who were looking for the kid locked in the car alone and the looks I got when they saw that I, his mother was sitting there, ‘letting’ him scream. I mean, sheesh.
One day people. One day.
Sobbing now. Thanks Mir, this is it exactly.
Not sure how to do trackbacks but here’s my post linking to yours! http://thesquarepegnation.blogspot.com/2010/11/special-needs-amnesty-day.html
@TC,
My daughter has epilepsy and had many seizures at school during kindergarten through second grade. Many times these seizures would disrupt to the class and she would medication administered to stop the seizures and 911 would be called. Well one day during the first grade another mother witnessed a student pretending to have a seizure and the teacher did nothing about it. The mother told me and I was livid. While I was angry and really hurt (for my daughter who cannot control this much like people with autism) the way I handled it is as follows. I went to the principal. The student’s parents were called, it turns not they do not believe in traditional medicine and he was scared. He did not understand and he just needed to be educated about epilepsy. Now, the teacher had read books, but it was not enough. We had the epilepsy foundation do an in-service for the entire school. I know the boys name but would never know who he is today. I even spoke with him and told him that I was not upset with him and just wanted him to understand what epilepsy and seizures are. It takes a lot of work to educate people. Sometimes I think bullying is just that the person doing it is scared or just not educated about whatever the situation is. I hope someday you will be able to forgive that girl. She probably is scared and just doesn’t understand the disorder. And yes, maybe her parents don’t understand as well and they need to be educated. It is a tough battle and one we as parents of special needs have to fight everyday and it is a fight that does not have an end in sight.
Melissa :-)
I thought of this yesterday and it made me more mindful of how I dealt with a gaggle of bright-yet-scattered kidlets.
Thanks for the reminder.
I’m sorely tempted to take ‘Netherland’ to task for taking THIS opportunity, this heartbreaking post about what it feels like to be judged by people, TO JUDGE YOU. Good grief. BUT. Instead (and yes, I know that was passive aggressive, b/c I totally just did it anyway) I want to say this. Any parent sitting in judgement of any other parent is a jackass. We all have terrible, horrible, no good moments- regardless of whether we have a ‘typical’ child, or one with special needs, and at any given time you could be witnessing someone’s worst day. Would any of us want to be judged on our worst day? Of course not. How about a little compassion, people?
AMEN & AMEN!! I’m In ~
oh Mir – I wish you had amnesty for a LONG time. This kills me. Especially since my son just was involved in a bit of an incident with a special needs child and it kills me that he was involved – we have lots of talking to do over the next few months – my mistake for not keeping up with it since we haven’t had this child in our class for a couple years.
We have another child that is a behavioral challenge and he’s been really quite rotten to my son. We try to coach our son to stick up for himself while giving this other child some leeway – he must be angry about something else, its not you, sometimes being nice to someone being mean helps, is there some way you can reach out to this child without putting yourself in harms way – those types of things. Its really hard sometimes to hear this boy say mean things to my son in front of us with the mom nearby, but I’ve never confronted her on it – I always figured she had enough on her plate because her road can’t be easy with him, and she probably took the hour baseball or basketball practices as a little reprieve of being the one “in charge”. We have asked the coaches to handle it and I have told my son to walk away – to not let this boy get to him.
One of my boys is a bit of a handful behavior wise as well and I will let some small things slide in the sake of bigger things sometimes and I’m always shocked when another parent or adult will make a comment – they are well meaning and yes, I should force him to do such and such, but sometimes…sometimes to avoid a huge blowout I do give him more slack at that moment than I would one of my other kids or with him on a different day – we know our kids.
So go enjoy your amnesty – I just wish it would last longer. keep writing these posts- we all need to be enlightened.
Hugs pretty mama!! <3
How can I help, Mir? I want so much to help make the burden just a little bit easier.
Wonderful post! While pregnant, I was attempting to check out at Target with my then 2 year old son. The machine where I was signing my name was being idiotic, and you had to keep the pen just so. My son went to the candy in the same check out lane. I looked up, said “no, no”, and he actually came quietly. The jackass in line behind with some woman I guess he was trying to impress with his jackassery said to the cashier “Don’t know how she’s going to take of another, she can’t even take care of the one she has”. Idiot. I should have informed him that I can take care of my children just fine, that he needs to take care of himself, and that this is, in fact, MY THIRD. Yeah, I hate people, too, Mir.
Being a parent really opened my eyes to the folly of judging others. We have NO idea what they are going through. When will we stop judging each other??
Here’s hoping you started something good :)
{{{HUGS}}}
Isn’t there a saying/quote about being nice to people because everyone is fighting a battle of some sort? Yeah THAT!
Oh Jesus Mir this should be read by every single person in the world.
Although things have calmed down a lot for us lately, its been brought to my attention that people have assumed my special needs son was spoiled and we were “letting him away with far too much” over the years. This drives me absolutely mental. You go girl and keeping doing what your doing Mir.
How can I help?
People should NEVER judge anyone for any reason.
No one knows what is going on in other people’s lives.
People judge from a place of total ignorance and lack of care.
I’m sorry Mir that you had to deal with someone’s judgement while struggling to survive through frustrating situations that you have no control over.
Those who know you, love you and care about you are the ones that really matter. Don’t give the others your energy….it really, really isn’t worth it.
“You can’t control what other people say or do. You can only control how you react to it.”
This is hard I know. Hang in there Mir ~ get the “ex” to take the kids more often so you can get a break!!!!
Take Care!
<3 <3 <3
And even though I feel like I am already good about this, you still explained things in a way that made them much more vivid for me, and also easier to process, and also memorable for the future.
I missed your day of amnesty….so I want a rain check. Can I take my day tomorrow (since today is almost over). This was sooooo well said Mir! You go girl!
I have been away for awhile with ,my own issues, but am catching up and sending many many hugs your way.