I love how you all enjoy my discussion of all the wonderful new wildlife here in the south. And by “enjoy” I mean “squeal like little girls.” I feel you, I do. I don’t like it either. And yesterday as I was reading the comments about our velvet ant sighting, I said to myself, “Self, that is surely the strangest bug you are going to see here in Georgia.”
Well, pride goeth before a fall. And denial goeth before more weird bugs. Shortly thereafter, I had the dubious pleasure of sighting something actually much weirder (and LARGER), though it was thankfully in someone else’s house, so I plan to believe no such creature could ever come in here. (Also, it’s a basement-dweller and we have no basement! Ergo, I’m in the clear! Lalalalalala… what? I can’t hear you!)
So yesterday, I was sitting in a (finished) basement, and one of these (again, people, do not click through if you are squeamish, please) started coming towards me AND MY CHILD and in the interest of not having to explain to my ex that our baby’s brains were sucked out by a giant cricket, I tried to drop a cup over the top of this thing before it got to us.
I approached with the cup, and it didn’t move. I prepared the drop the cup, and this thing jumped three feet into the air and I shrieked like the awesome guest that I am. And then my friend the camel cricket (thusly named because “Freaky Armadillo-Like Giganto Crawfish-Looking Cricket Mutant” was deemed a bit too wordy) went and hid under a couch.
Then I remembered that I had left the iron on. And the water running. And something on the stove. And that I needed to go bleach my entire body. So we went home.
So I think it’s safe to say that the bugs, they are getting on my nerves a bit. All that snow and ice back up north tends to keep these sorts of things from developing, as it’s hard to breed Big Ugly Bugs in sub-zero temperatures.
Other things that are annoying me of late, in no particular order but offered forthwith because as long as we’re talking about bugs why not continue on to all of the things irritating me because I am nothing if not ready to jump on the bandwagon of grumpy:
1) My Kroger has stopped carrying organic 1% milk. They carry organic whole, skim, and 2% milk. If you want 1% you are just out of luck, buddy. Oh, sure… I bought matching half-gallons of 2% and skim and mixed them, at first, but LIFE IS SHORT. I am now buying skim milk for the children and worrying that they will become even skinnier than they already are, but I know from experience that if I allow them 2% the scrawny one (not naming any names, but he may be nearing 8 years old and still wearing size 5 Slim shorts, while in colder weather I will simply have to duct tape his size 7s around him to keep them up) will declare he is too full to eat food. So. Damn you, Kroger—I’m already spending about SEVEN DOLLARS A GALLON on this stuff because I am a sucker and I prefer not to stuff my children full of hormones and antibiotics. Is it too much to ask at that price point that I get to have the fat content I want? Is it??
2) As a corollary to #1 up there: The new Publix has been under construction FOR-FREAKING-EVER. Are they building it one brick at a time? Hand-carried to the job site from out of state? I don’t understand. (And I am not exaggerating. When we came down in FEBRUARY to look at houses, they were already building it. Er, pretending to build it.) I pinky swear I will shop there if they ever finish building it, so HURRY UP.
3) I am getting a cold. BAH. I have no time to be sick. None. Plus the children aren’t even sick, so what is up with this? I haven’t licked any public guardrails in a really long time. Very confusing.
4) My daughter came home with MUD all smeared down the back of her shirt yesterday, and insisted that it was from a boy SPITTING on her. Attempts to explain the physics of the relative size of a child’s cheek capacity vs. the enormous stain on her shirt were unsuccessful. Upon contacting the teacher I found out that my charming child had gotten into trouble yesterday for some minor misbehavior, which may explain the reason she was reluctant to tell the teacher about the shirt incident. The actual event remains something of a mystery, and the shirt is on its second washing but I fear it is ruined. I fear MORE that there is more to this story than she is telling and neither the teacher nor I are sure what that might be.
5) On the heels of the shirt drama we were PULLING INTO THE SCHOOL this morning when Chickadee realized she’d forgotten her folder. I was barely into my “Too bad, so sad, you need to be more responsible” routine when she started to cry, saying that failure to bring it back would lose her another recess and give her a mark on her record. We don’t live all that far from school, but a decision had to be made quickly. I dropped Monkey off and agreed to run Chickadee home to fetch the folder. (“Oh, you can drop her and then bring her folder in and drop it off for her,” offered the nice drop-off monitor. “Um, no,” I told her, “if I have to run home for HER stuff, she is coming with me.”) I don’t know if I made the right decision. Part of me thinks I should’ve let her suffer the consequences. (I was ready to let her suffer the consequence of a tardy, but the traffic gods were kind and we made it back in time.) I settled for “This is the ONE AND ONLY TIME we will do this. Next time you’re out of luck.”
Actually, next time I think I will feed her to a camel cricket.