The following is a compilation of conversations and written communication I either have had today or will have tomorrow. Some are completely accurate. Some may change a bit once I think about it some more, but it really depends on how much sleep I get tonight.
First sidebar: The Big Kiwi Project is shaping up nicely. Chickadee and her dad were busy this weekend, and I now have a large hairy mama kiwi and three offspring and an egg living here in the house. Sadly, one of the three chicks was immediately confiscated by Monkey, and now lives in a plastic bin where it is being babysat by one of Monkey’s umpteen stuffed puppies.
Second sidebar: Hey, the top of my hair is actually brown again. It almost sort of looks like I had black hair and had highlights done… by a drunken rodeo clown. Shut up.
Onward.
* * * * *
*in the middle of dinner with friends, while everyone talked at once*
Monkey: *raising his hand in the air* Okay, everyone be quiet because I have something to say. *after the subsequent laughter was squelched* Why do we have to eat THIS?
Me: Wow, that WAS important. The rudeness was really just a bonus.
* * * * *
Me: Wait. Did you wash your hands?
Her: Yes.
Me: Did. You. Wash. Your. Hands.?
Her: YES.
Me: Look at me.
Her: WHAT?
Me: Did you wash your hands?
Her: I WASHED MY HANDS!
Me: Go wash your hands, please.
Her: But I DID wash my hands!
Me: No you didn’t. Go wash them.
Her: But–
Me: NOW.
Her: I–
Me: *quick flick of the Mama Death Stare*
Her: How did you KNOW? *stomping off to wash hands*
Me: I am VERY SMART. Do not lie to the ALL-KNOWING MAMA!
* * * * *
Me: Go put your pajamas on, please.
*five minutes pass*
Me: Put your pajamas on!
*five more minutes pass*
Me: Young man! Put your pajamas on THIS INSTANT!
Him: You don’t have to YELL.
Me: Apparently I DO. You don’t seem to have HEARD me before.
Him: I heard you, I heard you. You’re making me mental.
Me: *muffling laughter and ducking out of sight*
* * * * *
Dear Country Elementary,
Please excuse Chickadee from school today at 12:45. I will be picking her up early to take her to a doctor’s appointment in the city. Thank you for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
Mir Lastname
* * * * *
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
Chickadee is very concerned that her doctor’s appointment today will conflict with her picture being taken. Please please please email me back and tell me that photos will be done in the morning. I am a complete moron and somehow managed to schedule two appointments on the very same day, but really, I had no way of knowing that pictures would be today when I made either of those appointments. She’s very excited about her new outfit and I think I will have to chew off my own face to escape if she gets into the car this afternoon wailing that she didn’t have her picture done. Help a mother out, wouldja? Thanks.
Mir
* * * * *
Chickadee: Mama! Don’t put the feet on!
Me: What…? You’re supposed to be sleeping.
Chickadee: Don’t put the feet on the kiwi! I want to do it tomorrow.
Me: Um, honey… I’m not touching your kiwi, or his feet. That’s YOUR project.
Chickadee: Okay, good.
Me: Go to sleep, honey.
Chickadee: Okay. Mama?
Me: What, sweetie?
Chickadee: Can you shine my shoes for my picture?
Me: One, your shoes will not be in the picture. Two, go to sleep. Remind me to look at them in the morning.
Chickadee: I want them to be SHINY.
Me: Right, got it, put feet on your shoes and shine your kiwi. Good night.
Chickadee: MAMA! Hee. Good night.
* * * * *
*ring ring*
Chirpy Phone Voice: Good morning, Family Dental.
Me: Good morning! This is Mir Lastname… my children Chickadee and Monkey have cleanings scheduled for today. It’s the darndest thing, somehow my ex-husband scheduled this cleaning and I scheduled Chickadee’s opthamologist check-up on the SAME DAY… and I didn’t figure it out until yesterday. HAHA! Go figure! Coulda happened to anybody, really! Um, Chickadee’s not feeling well. Could we possibly reschedule her appointment?
CPV: Certainly, could you please hold?
Me: Sure.
*hours pass*
CPV: Alrighty, how about November 21st–
Me: Great!
CPV: –2006?
Me: Oh. Uh. Sure.
CPV: Okay, we’ll see you then!
Me: Thanks. Bye. Chickadee! Go brush your teeth. Twice.
* * * * *
Nurse: Chickadee Lastname? This way please.
Dr. Eyefix: Hi, Chickadee! You’re getting big. How are you?
Chickadee: Fine.
Dr. Eyefix: How’s she doing, Mom? Any problems? Seeing any crossing of the eyes while she’s wearing her glasses?
Me: No problems, no crossing.
Dr. Eyefix: Good, good. Let’s have a look.
*twenty minutes later*
Dr. Eyefix: Good, good. That’ll be eighty gazillion dollars and you can drag yourselves down here again in six months so we can do it again.
Me: Great, thanks.
Chickadee: I want a sticker.
* * * * *
And finally….
Chickadee: He got to see Daddy and I didn’t! No fair!
Monkey: She got a sticker and I didn’t! No fair!
Me: Okay, dinnertime.
Both: I don’t want this! I want [cereal/poptarts/macaroni]!
Me: You’re welcome.
Okay, I just need to know when & where you installed the hidden cameras and microphones in my house. I won’t remove them, I just wasnt to make sure that the camera angles are flattering. My ass needs all the help it can get.
They still do not have faith in the all-knowing mama. Maybe one day, when they are like 50, they will appreciate the fact that you can JUST TELL when they haven’t done what they are meant to.
LMAO…I love the conversation snippets. Life at your house must be so interesting!
We have the hand washing conversation most EVERY day…and yet he still can’t grasp why it’s such a big deal to ME…they’re HIS hands and HE’S the one eating the germs…I should just get over it… Indeed!
“You’re making me mental.” Hee. Where does he get this stuff?
I think it is so cool that you figured out the appointment conflict ahead of time.
I’m always the guy sitting in Dr. A’s waiting room with one child when the cell phone rings and it’s Dentist B calling and wondering where the other child is.
Or I get home and there are five messages on my machine saying “Where are you?” but they never called my cell or office number (you know, the one on the file with the giant letters next to it that says “CALL THIS NUMBER FIRST”)
Bah.
I’m making me mental…
The part about chewing off you own face….I’ll still be laughing NEXT Tuesday!